Desolate Souls (Forgotten Souls MC, #1) (34 page)

“Jax is still mad at me,” I admit. He hasn’t come right out and said the words, but he doesn’t have to. In his eyes I lied to him by not mentioning the letters or my final visit to see Paul, but an omission of the facts isn’t a lie – or is it?

“It’s not so much that he’s mad at you. He’s hurt. Why didn’t you tell him, Alana?”

“What was there to tell?” I ask honestly. “He wrote a few pleading letters trying to convince me to give him another chance. He probably even made a few empty threats like he did before.”

“And the last time, he wiped your account clean,” he reminds me, as if I could forget. “Why did you go see him?”

The million dollar question, one I expected from Jax, but he refuses to talk to me. “To say goodbye. Even after everything he did to me, I felt I owed him that much. I wanted him to know that I was happy, see it for himself, so he could move on too.”

“And how did that work out?”

“Not too good,” I admit.

“And even then, you didn’t go to Jax. You need to look at this through his eyes. That man loves you more than life itself and would do anything for you. Do you really think he would’ve stopped you? He may have tried to convince you it wasn’t a good idea, which it wasn’t, but he wouldn’t have stopped you.”

“I know,” I whisper, lowering my eyes. I could’ve saved myself a lot of heartache if I’d just come to him, but I can’t go back and change the past. “I just wanted to handle it myself.”

“That’s your problem, Alana. It’s not just you anymore. You’ve got to stop trying to protect everyone else and start protecting yourself.”

Nodding my head in agreement, I look up into Deuce’s piercing blue eyes, grateful to have found a friend like him. “I need to talk to him, tell him I’m sorry.”

As if on cue, the front door opens and Jax steps inside, his eyes locking with mine.

“Guess you’re in luck,” Deuce says, winking at me. Turning abruptly, he crosses the room towards the entrance. “Beast and Ruger are on watch,” he adds before walking through the door, leaving Jax and I alone.

He stands there motionless for several moments, his gaze never wavering from mine. Taking in a deep breath, I march towards him, wanting to put this all behind us. “I’m sorry, Jax.”

Closing his eyes, he lets out a rushed breath. “I am too,” he whispers. When he opens his eyes again, I see the pain within them and know I am the cause. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t have a good answer,” I shrug. “In my mind it wasn’t a big deal, but looking at it from a different perspective, I see that it was. There shouldn’t be any secrets between us and I’m sorry I let you down.”

“Alana,” he whispers, pulling me into his arms. “You didn’t let me down, you didn’t let me in. I want you to trust me completely. The letters, you going to see him, I wouldn’t have had a problem with it if it was anyone but him, especially after what he’s done to you.”

Pulling back, I look up at him and finally understand. All the anger and frustration was over my safety, but I wouldn’t jeopardize myself or the life of our son. “Paul may be a lot of things but he’d never physically hurt me,” I tell him, hoping to ease his worry.

“I know you want to believe that Lana, but Paul’s not sane,” he says hesitantly. “Those letters were warnings Alana, and the last one was a promise.”

“You read them?”

“Yes. In his sick mind, he does love you and he would do anything to get you back... no matter the cost.”

“Is that why Beast has been staying here?” I ask, hoping to finally get an answer.

“Yes.”

“So he’s out?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

“Yes.”

“What else?” I know there’s more to it than he is telling me.

“We were at the beach when Deuce got word of his release, he sent Spyder to do a sweep of the house. He found a vial outside our bedroom window that was filled with crushed Mifepristone, the abortion pill. It didn’t look like any was missing, but Spyder covered all bases and cleaned out the kitchen.”

I am literally trembling, not just out of fear but also anger. This baby means everything to me. Without warning, tears begin to fall from my eyes.

“Don’t cry baby,” Jax murmurs, pulling me into his arms. As his arms tighten around me, I begin to openly sob. “I won’t let anything happen Alana, to you or our son. I promise.” He says nothing more, continuing to hold me until my tears finally cease.

“He’s sadistic,” I finally mutter, lifting my tear stained face. And not so long ago, I trusted Paul with my life.

“He’s desperate Lana, and sick, but you’re safe. Deuce has two men on you at all times, so if Paul makes a move, we’ll bring him down.”

Nodding my head, I bury my face in his chest, relishing in the feel of my body pressed tightly to his. As he wraps his arms around me protectively, I feel safer than I have ever felt in my life. I know Jax will do everything in his power to protect me, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen.

A
llowing my gaze to fall on the frosted cake on the counter, I can’t help but smile at my accomplishment. My first attempt at making one from scratch and it’s perfect, down to the Happy Birthday Jax written in red frosting on top.

“Shit!” I mutter when I catch a glimpse of the time. I make a mad dash towards the bedroom, cursing myself for not keeping better track of the time. Jax will be home in less than forty-five minutes and I’m nowhere close to being ready.

With Paul’s location still unknown, I never have a moment to myself so today has been a blessing. Even though I am seemingly home alone, I know Beast, Spyder or someone else is lurking in the shadows outside, watching my every move. It was unsettling at first, more because I know what is at stake – my life and that of my unborn child. Now it has become more of an annoyance. 

Even knowing that Paul is out there somewhere doesn’t change the fact that I need tonight. Some alone time with Jax is something I have been craving. Thankfully, Deuce agreed to a four hour reprieve. Beast will still be standing guard outside, but I’ve been assured he will keep his distance so that I can make this night perfect.

Entering the bedroom, I head straight for the closet door, wanting to find something more alluring to wear than the shorts and t-shirt I’m sporting, before stopping myself. Looking down at my growing belly, I am reminded that nothing I own fits quite the same way anymore.

Releasing my hold on the doorknob, I opt for plan B. I may not be able to dress up for Jax, but I can at least make myself more presentable. Making my way into the bathroom, I decide to apply just a little makeup and let my hair down, something I’ve been slack about lately.

I have just applied a little mascara when I hear the door close. Slapping the tube on the counter, I shut off the bathroom light. “You’re early,” I call out as I reach for the bedroom door.

“Actually, I’m right on time.”

I freeze at the sound of that voice, one I had hoped never to hear again. Holding my breath, I slowly turn around, my eyes widening at the sight of Paul standing there, the gun in his hand trained on me.

“Don’t look so shocked to see me,” Paul says, stalking towards me, a crazed look on his face.

Swallowing hard, I try to remain calm but inside I am falling apart. “I told you I never wanted to see you again,” I say, proud that my voice doesn’t portray the fear I am feeling.

“How have you been, Lana?” he asks, taking another step towards me.

“Don’t call me that,” I manage to choke out as he reaches out to me, his fingertips grazing my cheek as he lowers the gun to his side. “Why are you here?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

“For you, sweet Lana. I told you I’d never let you go.” Closing my eyes, I pray that this is just a bad dream. That I will wake up and Paul will be gone. “You are so beautiful,” he whispers, his warm breath closing in on me. “You and I can pick up where we left off,” he whispers, his lips lightly grazing my ear as his hand comes to rest on my stomach.

With every bit of strength I can muster, I push him off of me, my hands protectively guarding my swollen belly. “Don’t touch me,” I say through clenched teeth.

“You don’t mean that,” he says, his eyes boring into my own as he closes the distance between us again, the gun still at his side. “Remember how good I make you feel, the things I can do for you. We can have all of that again.”

His lips crash onto mine, his tongue probing the tight seam of my lips. Unwillingly I whimper, trembling in his grasp, as he presses his body against mine. “Don’t fight it, Lana. You know we belong together,” he murmurs, before trying to claim my mouth once again.

Mustering all of strength, I manage to push him off of me just enough so that I can turn, scrambling to open the door. Yanking it open, I take off at full speed, running towards the front door.

Just as I unlatch the dead bolt, I am slammed from behind. Wrenching my arm behind my back, he drags me from the door. “Don’t make me hurt you!” he seethes, pulling me farther away from the entrance.

“Why are you doing this?” I cry out, fighting against his hold on me.

He releases his hold on my arm, roughly turning me around to face him. “Because you’re mine. You will always belong to me, not him!” he screams before rearing his fist back.

As his clenched fist connects with my cheek, I lose my balance, falling back onto the hardwood floor, crying out as my head collides with the unforgiving surface. I stare up at the man I once considered my best friend almost in a dreamlike haze. I can now see him for who he truly is – a cold, heartless monster incapable of caring for anyone but himself.

His lips are moving as he drops to his knees, reaching down to me, lifting my head in his hands. I try to push him away but my arms lay lifeless by my side, not responding to my commands.

As the darkness closes in on me, I see him pull his blood covered hand away from me as he reaches for something on the floor beside him. He lifts the gun in his hand, turning in slow motion as the door swings open and for a brief moment a sense of relief washes over me when I see Jax standing in the doorway.

Then it all vanishes as I watch Paul’s finger pull the trigger, a flash of light escaping the barrel right before the deafening sound echoes in the room.

I try to scream, but nothing comes out as I watch the only man I have ever loved fall to the floor gripping his chest, his eyes locking with mine.

As the darkness consumes me, I am left with an image that will forever haunt me: Jax’s eyes closing for the very last time.

––––––––

“Y
ou should head home. Be with Alexis and Peyton,” I say, finally breaking the silence that is consuming me. The last few days have affected me in a way I can’t describe. Alana is missing and my best friend is lying on death’s door.

“Let me know if anything changes. In the meantime, I still have some favors I can call in. We’ll find her.” I don’t bother turning my head as I hear the chair scrape against the floor. “You saved his life, Deuce. He’ll understand.”

“No, he won’t. I fucked up. I can’t forgive myself, let alone expect him to forgive me. I let them both down.” My voice is filled with agony and torment. Beast lost his life tonight. I may not have pulled the trigger, but I am at fault. I left him there alone, and nothing will change that. Alana is still missing and my best friend had a close call with death. “Give me a few minutes and then send her in.”

There is a brief moment of silence before I hear the door close. Taking in a deep breath, I slowly release it. “I take full responsibility,” I begin. “She just wanted to celebrate your birthday. What was the harm in that? Beast was there and... I fucked up man. I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry, Jax.”

I don’t deserve his forgiveness, but I want it more than anything. I’ve known how much Alana means to him since the day we first met. In his eyes this is the worst thing I could’ve done. “If that doesn’t make you hate me and you somehow find it in your heart to forgive me, know that I will make this right. I will bring her back to you,” I say, stopping abruptly at the sound of the door opening.

“Spyder said I should come in?”