Desolate Souls (Forgotten Souls MC, #1) (37 page)

“L
ike father like son.”
My words are cold and heartless, meant to inflict the exact same pain he has imposed on me. A feeling of satisfaction swells within me when I see Paul’s eyes close as he absorbs the meaning of what I have said. He and Phil are not unalike. They are one in the same, each using different means to torture their victims.

“Can’t stand hearing the truth?” I ask, adding fuel to the fire. I am not the same Alana I once was. I have become a survivor instead of a victim, something Deuce and Jax helped me become.

Jax
. My heart feels heavy at just the thought of his name. There are so many things I wanted to tell him, to show him, and now I will never have the chance. I try to remind myself that his memory will live on, in my heart and in our son. Daniel Jackson Cade will grow up to be the man his father was – honorable, loyal and trustworthy, with so much love to give.

I am so lost in thought, I don’t see Paul lunge towards me, his large hand encompassing my throat as he slams me against the wall. “How does it feel?!” he shouts as he slowly squeezes, cutting off my supply of air.

I begin to panic as I struggle to wrench myself free, when he suddenly releases his hold and steps back, a crazed look is in his eyes. I am gasping for air, my hands instinctively rising up as he rushes towards me, his weight crashing into me as we fall onto the concrete floor. Curling into a fetal position, I draw my knees tightly to my chest in a vain attempt to protect myself as his fists drive into me over and over.

I cry out in pain with each strike, pleading with him to stop as he continues his relentless assault. He’s going to kill me and there is nothing I can do to stop him.

Lying on the concrete floor, I come to terms with my impending demise. This is how it all will end. Beaten to death by a man who I once trusted with my life. There is no future, no happily ever after. Only pain and misery until he delivers the final blow that ends it all.

I can no longer scream, no longer breathe, as I close my eyes and await the inevitable. And then it ends, just as quickly as it began, one pain being replaced by another.

“I
’m sorry Alana,” I say again as I kneel down in front of her. I am riddled with guilt as I watch tears stream relentlessly down her swollen and bruised cheeks as she stares down at the tiny form cradled in her arms. I did this – to her and an innocent child. “Please let me help you.”

“H-haven’t y-you d-done e-enough?” She lifts her sorrow filled eyes to meet mine. “W-what d-did I d-do t-to d-deserve th-this?”

She is looking to me for answers I am unable to give. Alana did nothing to deserve the fury I unleashed upon her, nor the pain she is suffering over losing her child. “I never meant for this to happen,” I say in a pleading voice.

She shakes her head but says nothing, her eyes lowering to the baby she holds in her arms. I want to take it all away, rewind today’s events and erase them from existence but it’s too late. I can’t undo the damage I have caused and for that I can never forgive myself.

“Do you remember the night I found you in the park?” I ask, breaking the silence. She lifts her eyes briefly to mine but refuses to speak. “I had been following you for weeks, plotting how I was going to approach you. That speech I gave you, I’d given it a hundred times before. You were just one of the countless number of girls I lured in.”

She remains silent but I know she hears every word I speak. “That first night, I knew you were different. It was your eyes. They told a story that I didn’t quite understand, and that’s what first drew me in. The more we talked, the more of a connection I felt. It wasn’t until you revealed your past that I discovered why.”

Alana finally lifts her head, her tear stained face breaking my heart. “I fell in love with you Alana,” I whisper. “But I knew you didn’t feel the same way and you never would.”

It’s hard to speak the truth when you have convinced yourself that the woman you love will one day love you in return. Deep down I knew Alana would never love anyone but Jackson Cade, the boy who stole her heart years before I laid eyes on her, but I refused to give up. “I wanted to believe that I could make you love me.”

She remains silent, but I know she is listening to me as I lay my heart on the line. “I lied to you, coerced you into doing things that I knew were destroying you to try and break you down. And when you hit rock bottom, I was gonna swoop in and make it all better. Everything I told you when we moved to Cedar Falls was the truth. I had it all planned out, down to the very last detail but then he showed up. The moment I discovered who Jax really was I should’ve run. We could’ve have left town and started over somewhere else, just you and me. But you were so angry at him for abandoning you that I let it go thinking you were still mine. I had to sit back and watch him move in on you and I was helpless to do anything but let him win. But he didn’t win, did he? Because you were always his and I never stood a chance.”

Closing my eyes, I continue to pour my heart out to her. “I knew that night in the VIP room that he loved you and that you never stopped loving him. Do you know how many times I told myself I should walk away and let you be happy? I knew he was better for you, but I couldn’t let him win because I’m not the better man,” I whisper, opening my eyes once again.

“I was selfish. I wanted you to be with me and I was willing to do anything to force your hand, even if it meant trying to kill your unborn child. I’m a sick bastard Alana, for even considering it.” My voice cracks as I speak.

I should’ve set Alana free a long time ago but I was too selfish. Only concerned with my own happiness, I continued to do to Alana what I had done from the beginning. Manipulate her to the point that I lost her forever.

Taking in a deep breath, I rise to my feet, my gaze never leaving hers. “We never would’ve made it. You can’t make someone fall in love with you just like you can’t fall out of love with someone that is your world.” Smiling down at her, I slowly reach behind me and feel for my revolver.

“I always wanted your happiness. I just thought I was the one who would be giving it to you.”

Slowly, Alana lifts her eyes to meet mine. “You were my friend Paul and I did love you, just not in the way I did Jax,” Alana says, a single tear sliding from her bright blue eyes.

“I know,” I whisper as I pull the gun from the back of my warn jeans, letting it dangle from my fingertips at my side. I stare down at the woman who stole my heart and unwillingly claimed it as her own. She has suffered enough in this lifetime and I have only added to her misery. Because of me, she has lost the son she had fallen in love with from the moment she learned of his existence. I stole that from her, ripped her dream right out from under her. There is no consoling her and I cannot bear to ask for her forgiveness because I am undeserving of it.

I could just walk away, but that was never an option. It always came down to this moment. Some people are meant to be together, and others are not. Love means loss, and losing her is something I cannot bear.

Slow desolate tears run from her unblinking eyes and drip steadily onto her shirt as she stares up at me, the pain I am responsible for etching her face.

––––––––

“I
will never forget the moment I realized I loved you,” I say as I take in another deep breath. “I’m more broken than you think, Alana. Before you, I never knew what love could be and my heart never knew loneliness until you walked away.”

“Paul, please...” her bottom lips trembles, unbridled fear emanating from every pore of her body as I lift the gun in my hand.

“You and Jax belong together,” I whisper. This is how it was supposed to end.

Smiling down at her one last time, I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. This is my final gift to her. Now she will finally be free.

A
s I stare down at Alana’s sleeping form, a sense of relief washes over me.
She’s going to be fine.
The doctor’s words replay in my mind over and over again, but it’s not enough. I need to see those big beautiful eyes of hers to know for sure.

The past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. Getting shot and almost losing my life pales in comparison to thinking I would never see Alana again. She is my lifeline, my reason for existence, and for a short time, I almost gave up hope.

My mind continues to replay the events of that first night, the beginning of my real life nightmare, just like scenes from a movie. The moment I walked into the house and saw Alana lying there, the blood on Paul’s hands, and the intense rage I felt are all still fresh in my mind. The guilt still weighs heavily on my shoulders for not being the knight in shining armor she deserves. I failed her again, only this time she lost so much more and I don’t know if she will ever recover. I’m not even sure I will.

After ransacking Paul’s apartment, I discovered he had recently purchased some land fifty miles outside of Cedar Falls. I took a leap of faith and made it to the location in record time, praying that I would somehow find Alana there, safe and sound.

The moment I found the shallow grave outside the house, my heart sunk. I stood there, unable to move, for several minutes before dropping to my knees. With tear filled eyes, I began to dig until my fingertips brushed against cold flesh. Holding my breath, I continued to uncover the body, praying that my worst fear was not a reality.

I was overcome with relief to discover Trix’s body in the first stages of decomposition, but also filled with despair. Any doubt I had in Trix disappeared in that moment. She lost her life to not only save her sister, but right her wrongs where Alana was concerned. She did not die in vain and her sacrifice will not go unnoticed.

But it is what I witnessed when I entered that basement will forever haunt me.

“Alana!” I call out as I slowly descend the narrow staircase, gripping my pistol tightly in my hand, the only response is faint whimpering in the distance.

As I emerge into the musty room, I am unprepared for the scene in front of me. Paul lies on the concrete floor, a pool of blood encircling his head. Taking no chances, I approach him cautiously, kicking the gun lying on the floor beside him out of reach before pushing him over to confirm my belief, the oozing wound at the back of his head the only proof I need. He is gone and will never be able to harm my family again.

Letting out a relieved sigh, I look to my left and my heart stops beating. Seated on the floor against the far wall, her back to me, I see Alana rocking back and forth, her arms in a cradling position.

“Alana?” Her name is a mere whisper escaping my lips.

My world came crashing down within seconds.

As I round the cot, my eyes land on her tear stained face. Fresh bruises cover her normally flawless complexion, dried blood encrusting the corners of her mouth.

When I take a step closer, only then does she become aware she isn’t alone. Lifting her eyes to mine, there is no relief emanating from them, only pain as an endless flow of tears trail down her cheeks.

My legs give out from under me, forcing me to my knees as my eyes land on the tiny form she embraces in her arms.

“You should head home and try to get some sleep.” Deuce’s voice brings me back to the present. Looking over my shoulder, I see him leaning against the wall, his arms crossed in front of him.

“How long have you been standing there?” I ask, turning my attention back to Alana.

“Long enough,” he says as he crosses the room, taking a seat in the empty chair beside me. “She’s gonna be alright. You know that, right?”

“But will she be the same?” I ask, verbalizing my worst fears.

“Alana is strong. She will overcome this too,” he says reassuringly.

I am overwhelmed with emotion. There’s no doubt that she will recover physically, the doctor has assured me of that, but mentally I’m not so sure. “Will she?” I ask, turning towards him. “She’s lost so much in her life, but this... this is more than anyone can bear. Some wounds run too deep to heal.”

“In time, all wounds heal and you’re left with a ridged scar. Sometimes it takes weeks, months, even years, but when that scar forms, it means the hurt is over.” Deuce pauses, looking over at Alana and smiling. “Alana will heal, one day at a time.”