Destiny's Path (17 page)

She clapped one hand to her mouth. ‘I wish you hadn’t done that.’

‘Was it so bad?’

‘No. It felt very – sweet. I wish it hadn’t.’

He drew her towards him, surprised when she allowed him to kiss her again. And it was more than sweet, it was . . . the perfect kiss. He wanted very much to kiss her again, but when it ended he smoothed her hair back from her forehead and forced himself to move away. The sun had burnished it to blue-black and he’d been dying to touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked.

After giving him one of her grave looks, she too moved back a little and put out one hand to stop him when he gave in to temptation and tried to pull her close again. ‘No. Please don’t. I couldn’t resist that one kiss, just to see . . . but that’s all it was. One kiss. We have to be sensible.’

He leaned against the backrest. ‘Sometimes I don’t feel like being sensible.’

‘I have to be. It’s the women who carry the fruit of wrongdoing and it can ruin their whole lives.’ She frowned. ‘I must say, I’ve never seen why women are so easily tempted before, but I think I can understand it better now.’

Not a woman’s usual reaction to a kiss, but her serious deliberation about its effect on her enchanted him. He almost wished she’d said something stupid. If she’d mouthed inanities, it’d be much easier to forget how delightful her lips felt against his, how right it had seemed to hold her close!

He told the horse to walk on and it was a few minutes before either of them spoke. He kept his eyes on the road this time and tried to keep his thoughts on it, too. The ground had dried very quickly after the rain of the previous day, because the soil was quite sandy, but he could see from the deep, sun-baked ruts to one side of the track that even these rough roads got waterlogged in winter.

‘How soon do you intend to leave Australia?’ he asked when she made no effort to break the silence.

‘I wish I could leave straight away and get it over with, because even the thought of me going is upsetting Maia so much.’ She sighed and added, ‘And me. We’ve never been apart before and twins are closer than other sisters, but the life I want wouldn’t suit her at all – and I’m not prepared to lead a dull life, even for her.’

‘Why can’t you leave now?’

‘Because servants are hard to find here and I wouldn’t feel right leaving Conn and Mrs Largan in the lurch. And because there aren’t a lot of ships sailing to and from Western Australia.’

‘I don’t like the thought of you travelling back to England on your own.’

She smiled. ‘I’d not be on my own. There would be a ship full of people and this time I’d be a cabin passenger. How exciting to travel in such luxury!’

He thought of his cramped cabin and couldn’t help grimacing. ‘I’d not consider it luxury.’

‘It is compared to conditions in the steerage section. I ought to be quite safe as a cabin passenger, don’t you think?’

His voice came out more harshly than he’d intended. ‘Someone as beautiful as you will never be safe travelling.’

Her smile faded. ‘Even if I dress plainly and behave modestly?’

‘Even so. Beautiful women tempt unscrupulous men and if you don’t understand that, let me tell you that the urges men feel are very strong and sometimes overrule their common sense, even when they’re trying to behave decently. And there are some men who have no scruples, who take what they please if the opportunity arises, by force if necessary.’

‘I’m not completely ignorant, you know. Women of your class may be very sheltered from life, but we weren’t. And my father warned us when we grew older, told us how men feel. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but I’m
not
going to give up my dreams. There must be a way to do what I want. Perhaps I’ll have to hire a travelling companion, an older woman. Do you think that might help?’

‘A little. If you hired a strong man to protect you as well, it’d be even better.’ He couldn’t think of anything he’d like more than to be her guide and protector. It’d be a joy to take her travelling and show her other lands. But if he did, who would protect her from him?

No, he’d better keep his distance. This attraction couldn’t be allowed to lead anywhere because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her.

‘Well, I’ve got plenty of time to work something out.’

Her chin was jutting out and her expression was quietly determined.

No, he thought, you’ll not easily be deflected once you set your mind on something.

‘It’s on the left here!’ she called, jerking him out of his thoughts. ‘You nearly missed the turn.’

When they arrived at Galway House, Ronan was swept away by their host and Xanthe went back to work. Their lives were separate here, even though Conn treated his staff kindly.

It was just as well.

Conn took Kathleen out riding, pointing out the things to look out for in the Australian bush. She was at her best on horseback, not only a good rider, but also careful about her horse, and she listened carefully to his instructions.

But as soon as they came back into the house she reverted to her demanding and unpleasant ways, speaking so rudely to Maia that he saw tears well in the latter’s eyes. He didn’t dare step in to protect her or it’d have made matters worse.

It was a relief when Ronan and Xanthe came back in the late afternoon and there was someone else to share the burden of talking to Kathleen, who had no resources for entertaining herself.

In the late evening after the ladies had gone to bed, Conn and Ronan went out to stroll round the gardens.

‘What are you going to do with her?’ Ronan asked.

‘I’m damned if I know.’

‘Do you want me to go back to Fremantle and make enquiries about when ships are sailing?’

‘I’d have to drug her to make her leave, I think.’

‘Have you asked your mother’s advice?’

‘No. She’s not well at the moment and I don’t want Kathleen snapping at her. It’s for me to sort this out.’ He hesitated, then said, ‘I think I’ll go up to Perth first and take advice about annulling the marriage.’

Ronan gave him a quick look, opened his mouth then snapped it shut again to hold in his surprise.

‘I never bedded her,’ Conn said. ‘I thought it my duty to try, because that was the main purpose of the marriage for me, but she fought me like a tigress and I soon gave up trying. I’m glad of that now.’

‘It’ll take a while to get an annulment.’

‘Yes. But surely I can arrange it? And if she’d go back to Ireland while I did so, we’d all be a lot happier.’

‘Why don’t you go to Perth to see the Bishop soon? If you like, I’ll stay here and keep an eye on things.’

Conn looked at him quickly. ‘I think I’d better talk to Kathleen first. She might not agree to do this amicably.’

He took the opportunity to speak to her the following day while they were out riding, trying to explain in simple terms what he wanted to do.

Kathleen frowned at him. ‘I don’t see the need.’

‘I don’t think we’re happy together, and I want a proper family one day – children, a loving wife.’

‘I don’t see why. Your brother can have children to inherit the land. Having children hurts women. Your father told me that before we were married.’

Conn stared at her. Had his father tried to stop him having children – on top of everything else? He could well believe it. His father had liked to control every facet of his family’s life, and had not been pleased when Conn became a lawyer and went to live away from Shilmara.

They rode on in silence, then Kathleen asked suddenly, ‘If we weren’t married, what would I do – afterwards?’

‘You’d make a life for yourself somewhere, a happier life I’m sure, because you’d not be a convict’s wife any longer, so people would talk to you again.’

‘But who would look after me?’

‘Your brother would help you, I’m sure.’

‘He hates me. And I hate him. He wanted to lock me away. I heard him saying that to my father once.’

‘He wouldn’t see you in difficulty and as long as you don’t buy a house near him, I’m sure he would help you. How about finding somewhere in Dublin?’

‘I’m not going to live in a town.’ She looked suddenly as if she wanted to cry as she said, ‘I want to go back and live at Shilmara. I was happy there after you left. Your father was kind to me.’

Conn tried to stay patient. ‘You know you can’t do that. Shilmara belongs to my brother Kieran now. You have no choice but to make a new life for yourself.’

She rode on for a few yards, then reined in her horse. ‘If I’m your wife,
you
have to look after me so I don’t want to end our marriage.’

‘You’ll have enough money to look after yourself.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Of course you can.’

Her scowl grew more fierce. ‘I
can’t
!’

‘Why are you so sure of that?’

She hesitated and he waited patiently, but he didn’t expect what she said.

‘Because I can’t read or write.’

‘Of course you can. I’ve seen notes you’ve written!’

‘Orla writes them for me. I tell her it hurts my eyes to write, that’s what my mother said I should do. Orla reads the letters to me as well.’

‘She’s never even hinted at that.’

Kathleen’s expression became smug. ‘When she became my maid, your father said he’d have her family thrown out of their cottage if she told anyone. And I said it too.’

‘Did your other maid do that for you?’

‘Of course. She’d been with me since I was quite small. But she died. People always die. It’s not fair.’

Conn didn’t know what to say. Kathleen had been clever about hiding her problems and must have been doing it all her life.
Why
couldn’t she read or write? Her governess must have tried hard to teach her. His heart sank as the implications of this sank in. She’d already said that she would find it difficult to manage on her own, so he couldn’t see her allowing him to have their marriage annulled. And she was right. She really did need looking after. But why did it have to be him?

He’d dared to dream last night, dream of Maia, of marriage one day, children. Not big dreams but warm, cosy dreams. Now he could see only years of looking after Kathleen . . . hating her. But he couldn’t just turn her loose in the world.

He wanted to weep. Men weren’t supposed to weep, but he felt he had reason to at the thought of how bleak his life had become since that dreadful day when he’d been arrested.

Sighing, he urged his horse forward and led the way back to Galway House, handing his horse over to Sean and hurrying into the house, ignoring Kathleen.

When he stopped at the kitchen door to look back, his wife had disappeared into the stables.

Turning round, he saw Maia chatting to her sister as she prepared a tea tray for his mother. Her face was rosy and tranquil. She looked at him enquiringly, as if she cared how he was feeling.

The contrast between the two women was too great to be borne. He nodded and hurried across the room, taking refuge in his library, sitting with his head in his hands, sick to the soul.

10

T
wo days later was Sunday and as they got ready for church, it occurred to Conn that he could perhaps ask the advice of the clergyman who came every month to hold services in the barn next to the local shop. The one thing he’d decided after a restless night was to find a way to get this travesty of a marriage annulled. But he would look after Kathleen, see that she had somewhere to live.

He found her dressed in a huge crinoline skirt, the effect spoiled by the material being somewhat crumpled.

She greeted him with, ‘That maid of yours wouldn’t let Orla heat the flatiron to press my skirt. She said she was too busy getting ready for church and wanted the fire to burn down. And she couldn’t clear the table to iron on, because places for lunch were set out there already. You’re letting her take advantage of you, Conn. She’s just being lazy. She should be looking after your guests, especially me, your wife.’

He took a deep breath. ‘She’s not lazy, Kathleen. She
is
too busy. Anyway, no one here wears crinolines. Don’t you have something simpler you could wear?’

‘For church? No, I don’t. Your father always told me to dress up for church and so did my parents.’ She smoothed down the material, seeming unaware of how incongruous her plain face and stocky body looked above such a wide skirt.

‘It’ll take up too much room on the benches. This isn’t a proper church, as I told you. We hold our services in the barn.’ He saw her face become flat and expressionless, a look he’d learned years ago meant she wasn’t paying attention because she didn’t want to hear what she was saying. Frustrated, he stared up at the sky, which was again full of heavy grey clouds. ‘I suppose it’s too late for you to change your clothes now. You’d better take an umbrella, though.’

‘I don’t have one. Besides, we’ll be going in the carriage, so why should I need one? I can run from the carriage to the church door.’