Determination (16 page)

“Does it have to do with my being alive?”

“Partly.” Sekiro gasped and spun midair.

The snow near the base of the pine trees swirled and fell with the intensity of a blizzard. Roxie put a hand on her hilt and dropped into a fighting stance. “What is it? More shadow people?” That was the last thing she wanted to deal with right now. She’d had enough of fighting until it was time to face Nexus.

A huge grizzly bear stepped out of the frothing snow and gazed at Sekiro. The bear looked... serious. Its black eyes looked right at them. Roxie looked to Sekiro for a hint whether she should draw her sword or not, but the Numina hovered in place and stared in disbelief.

Sekiro’s silver eyes widened and the bear turned around and loped off, disappearing into the trees.

“Sekiro?” Roxie kept her hand on her hilt.

Sekiro shook her head and stopped gaping. “Sorry. Change in plans. You’re needed at the Gate of Passage. There are a few souls who need to see you.”

“A few?”

“Let’s go.” Sekiro grabbed Roxie’s wrist and tugged her into motion.

Roxie executed a superhuman leap into the air and began following the Numina across the lake. “Whose souls? And what was with that bear?”

“People from other worlds, and that bear is a Numina from another world. His name is Firsos and he didn’t say who we’re meeting.”

The lake zoomed by below and gave way to a featureless gloomy space that made Roxie feel like she was inside a cave big enough to contain New York City. The snow vanished and the sun lay hidden behind the gloom, no clouds in sight, even though the light was blocked out as if a daytime storm had rolled in. It looked almost like night. Sekiro flew on, unperturbed. Roxie said, “What is this darkness?”

“The way to the Gate of Passage. We’re going to a place that serves as a hub to all spirit realms. It’s used by Numina.”

Roxie’s imagination ran wild with speculation as to who she was about to see. Aerigo popped into her mind first, but she’d have expected to see him alone, if they were to reunite during all this madness. Maybe it was Yayu and all the other people dying in the war instead. Maybe they wanted to weigh themselves on her conscience or something, and serve as a constant reminder of all the lives being lost while she was stuck in the Realm of the Dead. Or maybe it was other Aigis, ones who wanted to speak to her and give her some pieces of advice and training so she wouldn’t--

Her heart wrenched at the memory of watching Aerigo fall with the dagger in his chest.

So she wouldn’t... repeat history. A fresh wave of emotional pain tore through her.

Sekiro glanced over a shoulder. “You alright back there?”

“I’ll be fine.” Roxie had no clue if she’d be fine. Part of her didn’t want to go. What if Aerigo really was there? She’d have to face the reality of his death. Right now she wasn’t sure if she could handle another emotional blow. But if it wasn’t him, anything else thrown at her would be easier to take. Meeting the victims of Nexus’s war would only fuel her resolve to do what she needed to do to save lives and worlds. If it was other Aigis, she welcomed everything they had to offer. As much as it would hurt to go on living without Aerigo, she’d do her best to be strong like Grandma, who found a way to keep going after having buried her own son.

A giant stone gate rose in the distance, stretching a hundred feet in the hair with bars as thick as trees, all of it wrapped in vines. A stone wall stretched to either side, getting swallowed in darkness. The gate gave Roxie the impression it was incredibly old, maybe older than Earth itself, maybe even literally as old as time.

She and Sekiro touched down on a dirt path surrounded by wild grass spreading as far as the walls. The rolling field made Roxie think of the mythical Elysian Fields. A breeze sent the wild grass dancing and its sigh sounded like it was urging Roxie to smile, lie down, and enter a deep, peaceful sleep for many years to come. She pushed aside the otherworldly urging and followed Sekiro to the gigantic gate.

The vines were covered in black roses as big as Roxie’s face, and smelled elegant, heady. Sekiro checked on Roxie again, then reached for the gate and pushed one side open. It rumbled with the scrape of stone on stone, and once it was open enough to step through, Sekiro waved her to follow and walked inside.

Roxie started to follow but stopped on the threshold. “It won’t shut on us or anything, will it?”

Sekiro popped a bemused smile. “I know it looks like the type of gate to do that but no, it won’t. Plus I’m here with you. Come. They’re waiting through another gate.”

Nervous despite the assurance, Roxie stepped inside, her shield-bearing hand on her hilt for comfort. A stone tile floor splayed out before them and light orbs danced around overhead like fireflies, moving with purpose or floating in place. Inside, the vast space was bustling with hundreds of beings that had to be Numina from every world. Most were humanoids, many others animals, and others ethereal or creatures Roxie had never seen before. She caught sight of one Numina that looked like the incarnation of Death with a cloak and hood, but without the sickle.

The nearest Numina paused in their trek and gawked at Roxie, and Sekiro took hold of her free hand as she guided her deeper inside.

“Sorry. Guess I shoulda warned you that this place would be busy.”

“They’re all staring at me.”

“You’re alive, remember? You’re technically not supposed to be here.”

“It’s easy to think you and the rest are alive.” Roxie followed closely as Numina as far as she could see stared at her, standing there and watching, like an audience to a parade. The glowing orbs buzzed around overhead, growing thicker in numbers. “What are those things?” Roxie asked, pointing up.

“Energy sprites with the sole purpose of giving off light. They’re attracted to movement, but keep themselves from getting too bunched up.”

“That’s all they do?”

“They don’t think or feel like you or me. They’re about as thoughtful as rocks.” Sekiro veered to another huge stone gate and looked it up and down. “Okay, here’s the first of a few stops. I know Numina and the dead can go in and out, but we’ll see if you’re blocked or not. We’re at a gate to the spirit world belonging to Durna. This’ll probably be the hardest one for you. I figured you’d rather get the hardest part over with.”

Roxie nodded. If what lay on the other side of this gate was the hardest thing she’d face, then she was all for it, despite her pounding heart. She did and didn’t want to go through.

Sekiro pushed the gate open and walked backwards as she waved for Roxie to follow.

Recalling her train incident where she got blocked from boarding, she braced herself for resistance as she stepped over the threshold. She took one step after another and let out her breath at the same time as Sekiro, who turned around and resumed walking forward.

“Well, that’s one less problem to deal with.” Sekiro marched up to the grizzly bear they’d seen earlier. It was lying down, facing them, and raised its head. “Hello, Firsos. As you can see, we made it without trouble.”

Near the bear lay a wolf with a man cloaked in chains sitting next to it, with the excess links trailing off in the grass. Roxie then noticed a second man sitting against the bear’s flank and her heart caught in her throat as her chest tightened. The man sat up, bringing into view a clean-shaven head, broad shoulders, and big, strong arms. His blue-eyed gaze met hers.

Aerigo.

YEAR TWO

Chapter 11

Heartbroken

It was him. It was really him! He was here. She’d hear his voice again, would look into his eyes many more times, speak to him again. Aerigo got to his feet, brows knit with confusion. Of course he was confused. She would explain what she understood in a moment, but first...

Roxie ran to him and her heart soared a little higher with every step. They were together again. She leapt the last stride, arms leading the way. Sekiro shouted at her but Roxie didn’t hear the words as her world tunnel-visioned on Aerigo’s sculpted frame, broad shoulders, wide chest, deep blue eyes--all of it. She wrapped her arms around his strong shoulders, he tried to catch her, but she sailed right through him, feeling nothing more than an icy blast. She hugged her own torso as she stumbled and caught her balance, then took a moment to absorb the cold before registering her empty arms. She unwrapped them and her legs felt weak as the truth sank in.

Aerigo was dead. He was undeniably, irrefutably dead. No more warm hugs or caresses. No taste of a first kiss. No future together. His soul was bound for a journey to inner peace, without her, like her father. They really were never going to be together. On top of that, she had no one left to keep her safe or help her take Nexus down. She was alone. All alone.

Roxie felt sick to her stomach as tears and pain filled the hole in her heart. She dropped to her knees, her mind drawing a blank on how to react to so many emotional blows in a row.

“Roxie!” Sekiro appeared before her, pushed her cap and hair out of her face, and kneeled on the grass.

Roxie looked away, not wanting to take in any more external stimuli. She needed to absorb the truth of the situation. However, hands shook her by the shoulders and she blinked. Sekiro’s worried face came into focus.

“You still with us?”

He’s really gone.
Roxie felt a need to say something but she couldn’t get any words out. She just stared at the Numina with her mouth ajar and thoughts racing through her head.

“Please stay with us.” Sekiro waved someone over and clasped both shoulders again. “Would you be willing to donate some energy again?”

She wanted to say yes but her words were stuck like something had paralyzed her vocal cords. She managed a slight nod. Her whole body felt like it didn’t want to move; just stay frozen while her brain tried to sort things out.

A shadow passed over her and Aerigo kneeled beside Sekiro, his gaze full of sadness and worry. Roxie tried to say his name and reach for him, but all she could do was stare at the ghost of the man she’d fallen in love with so quickly, yet lost even faster. Aerigo’s eyes glowed blue and Roxie felt her eyes start glowing as well. Sekiro took their hands and brought them together, but Roxie gasped at the sudden chill and Aerigo let go as if he’d been stung. The pain in his expression tugged at her heartstrings. Swallowing her own pain, she woodenly held out a hand and braced for the cold.

Aerigo tentatively reached for her, brushing her fingertips with his icy touch. Roxie grit her teeth and nodded for him to take hold. He held on tight, siphoned off her energy, and his form solidified, looking alive. The sensation of her body heat being sapped went away, and Aerigo clasped her hand in both of his.

Roxie put a hand on top of his and this time she didn’t pass through him. Relief, hampered by the cold, washed through her. At least they could touch again. She removed her sword hand and cupped Aerigo’s face, doing her best to ignore the numbing cold. He tilted his head into her hand. She caressed his face and ran her fingers along the line of his jaw, then back up to his ear, down his neck and along his shoulder, feeling the mountain of corded muscle that was him--used to be him. She traced along his chest, making him flex involuntarily, and she pressed her palm over his heart, devoid of a beat. He ran his fingers along her arms and cradled her elbows in his hands. Roxie held Aerigo’s glowing-eyed gaze, then reached up and tugged on the collar of his shirt. The Versaton material stretched, forming an elongated “v” that framed the dagger-sized scar in his chest.

The red line opened a floodgate of emotion. Letting go, Roxie doubled over and battled the tears pushing to burst out. Her throat constricted, eyes stung, and chest tightened, but she fought to hold herself together. She couldn’t afford to lose control.

When Aerigo’s frozen hand began rubbing her back, her emotional dam broke. She began crying hard, harder than she could recall ever crying.

Her crying carried across the grassy field. Aerigo pulled her to him, pressing the side of her face to his lap and holding her tight, his body convulsing with sniffing and quiet sobs. Roxie clamped her arms around his hips and cried with him, for him. He was freezing cold but she didn’t care. Despite her healing powers, she’d go numb eventually, and then it wouldn’t matter how cold he was.

Someone sat next to them and placed their hands over hers. Roxie pried her eyes open long enough to see tears streaming down Sekiro’s face. She closed her own and continued crying the hardest she ever had.

*     *     *

By the time the coldness numbed Roxie’s face, she felt collected enough to bring herself to ease away her tears. It felt like it’d taken days and days to finally go numb, but now that she was, she found it easier to seek comfort in Aerigo’s embrace.

Not only had she cried for Aerigo, she’d cried for her mother, father, and herself. She urged herself to accept Aerigo’s death and to feel thankful for how good of a person he’d been to her, all the wonderful and amazing things he’d shown her, people he’d introduced her to, and even teaching her how to use extended reality. She felt immense gratitude for all the good. He’d believed in her enough to train her--she who must still look like a mere child in his eyes, despite his indifference to their age gap--and even fall in love with her. What a gift to receive love from someone like him.

Roxie cried for her mother, accepting the pain of her mother’s scorn and lack of love. Her tears helped her let it go, accept the truth, and move on. She refused to let herself become a victim of her mother’s selfishness.

She cried for her father, mourning the loss of a parent who could’ve been a great father but never got the chance to. She embraced his love and let all his imperfections go. They didn’t matter anymore.

She cried for herself because she was terrified of facing Nexus alone, and daunted by all who depended on her to be some sort of hero. It was so much to ask of her, but she would never be able to live with herself if she hid in fear and never tried. All those lives lost and any other repercussions would strangle her with guilt. She accepted the burden of such a huge responsibility and took several deep, shaky breaths.

Aerigo stroked her hair, sniffing now and then. His icy touch to the side of her head that hadn’t gone numb felt wonderful and uncomfortable. She could still feel the cold but it was nowhere near as biting as when she’d started crying. Spreading her wings on the grass, Roxie rolled onto her back and lay on Aerigo’s thighs. He smoothed loose hair down and out of her face.

Her life was on the line. She was attempting to go into a fight while knowing that, something she’d never experienced before, and the thought frightened her. The scariest she’d ever faced was taking school tests, doing job interviews, and applying for college. Even with Aerigo, he’d always been there to protect her. Now he could only watch on and hope she fared better. A gentle wave of tears streamed down the sides of her face.

“You and your Frava are so beautiful,” he said, his voice thick and sorrowful, “I’m so proud of you.” He ran a hand through one of her wings. She raised it and brushed his tears with a few feathers.

His voice... his deep, gentle voice. She’d really heard it again. She wanted to resume crying hard but she felt so drained. “Thank you.” Her voice came out hoarse and tired. She was going to have to rest and eat soon, but she wasn’t ready to shut her eyes. What if he had to go as soon as she fell asleep? She didn’t want his stay to be as brief as her father’s. She needed some sort of stability right now. She also wanted to say more than a simple thank you, having so much she wanted to tell him, but all that crying and being enveloped in his icy embrace must have numbed her brain. Her thoughts came and went slowly as she gazed into his blue-glowing eyes glistening with tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Roxie scrunched her brows. “For what?”

“For leaving you on your own like that.”

“I already told you to stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. That order extends to even now.” Oh, god, she was gonna lose it all again if he was going to have another stupid guilt trip. She fumbled with her shield and unlatched the buckles, freeing her arm, and her shield flopped onto the grass. She took hold of Aerigo’s frozen wrists. “You’re the last person I blame for my predicament. You did everything you could to help me stay alive, so please stay strong for me. I need it really bad right now. I’m scared out of my mind and I have many people depending on me to be strong, find a way back to Nexus, and stop him and his war, and I’m not sure how I’m going to do that.”

“I wish I could help you.”

“Be strong and supportive. Be with me. That’ll help immensely. I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Aerigo nodded. “I can do that. I apologize for my misplaced guilt.”

“Thank you.”

“How did you get here?”

Roxie thought a moment, recalling her fall into darkness. “We don’t know, but the god of this realm knows I’m here. I’m supposed to go to him once I’m ready, and in order to be ready, I have to go on my own personal journey, just like the dead. It’s been a rough ride so far but I’m still alive.” She took a deep breath and slowly let it go. “There’s still a chance of me getting back to the living side and acting for the greater good.”

“I’ll help you in every way I can,” Aerigo said softly, stroking her cheek. “I never wished this responsibility upon you. I’d take it back if I could.”

“I know. I just wish I wasn’t so scared.” Every time people needed Aerigo’s protection, he acted without hesitation. People relied on him to do his job well and keep everyone safe. Sure he’d struggled to keep Roxie safe but she was still alive because of him. Now that she didn’t have him to fall back on whenever she stumbled or failed, she was frightened out of her mind. “How did you become so brave when it comes to fighting and protecting people?”

He gave her a sympathetic smile, eyes still glowing blue. “The fear never goes away,” he said, tracing his fingers along her cuirass, even the curves of her chest.

How she wished she could take both their clothes off and make love with him, but that wasn’t possible anymore.

“You learn to use fear to fuel your senses and actions. There’s a point where the fear lessens as fighting becomes second nature. It’s a matter of gaining experience, but I believe you have all the courage you need to bypass your inexperience. You always acted with confidence and determination while I trained you, and you faced every challenge head-on. You’ll do the same with Nexus. I know it.” He paused with his hand on her shoulder. “What... happened? After I--” He swallowed. “--died.”

His words made Roxie’s heart wrench. Hearing him acknowledge his own death brought a fresh wave of tears. She wiped them away and filed through her memories, recalling sharp metal pressed to her throat. “Nexus was about to kill me with your dagger.” Aerigo’s eyes shifted from blue to red and the sight made her smile on the inside. His love for her warmed her broken heart. “But his mother yelled at him to stop and begged him to leave me alone and go talk with her.”

The glow faded and his eyes widened. “Kara.”

“She was crying.”

“So she really isn’t on his side in all this.”

A familiar voice said, “I never thought she was. She’s too kindhearted for that.”

Roxie jumped to her feet, yanked her sword from its sheath with a metallic hiss, and slipped into her emotionally detached sate. Despite having talked to Aerigo in a dream, despite having taught him how to unlock Frava, she still didn’t trust Daio.

He sat next to a large black wolf that watched her with hooded eyes. Neither the wolf or the bear--the Numina--came off as a threat any more than Sekiro did. These were apex predators she was staring at but she could see their humanistic intelligence in their eyes, and that humanized them enough to make her not feel afraid. But Daio? For all she knew he might try to steal her energy like her mother had. Daio wore over a hundred feet of chain fashioned like a cloak over his shoulders, wrapping around his torso, and hanging down his front and back. She pointed her glowing sword at him as heat returned to her body.

Daio raised his brows. “Wow, she looks impressive. Aerigo, look at her eyes. They’re glowing white.”

“She does,” Aerigo said, sounding just as impressed.

Roxie looked over a shoulder, confused by Aerigo’s lack of concern.

“He’s not an enemy any more than I am,” he said with a shake of his head.

Daio said, “She doesn’t have to trust me. Besides, I think she really can take Nexus down. Her Frava is incredible, and I agree that she has the courage to do it. Now it’s just a matter of the price we’ll all pay for Nexus’s selfishness.”

“Mm,” Aerigo agreed unhappily.

Daio studied Roxie and his pale eyes began to glow blue. “Hit me as many times as you need to if you want. Should make you feel a little better.”