Detours (18 page)

Ellis rubbed her earlobe between her thumb and forefinger. She knew Mary was waiting for an explanation, but she wasn’t sure what she could say that would do justice to all she was feeling. Ellis shoved a statement past her lips. “What I really meant is that I ruined everything.”

“For Natalie? For me? For you and me?”

Ellis shook her head. “No, for my parents.”

“You’ve lost me, Ellis. Please, no more riddles. Tell me plain and simple what you’re trying to say.”

“My mother and father had the life they wanted. He was living out his dream teaching art at the college. Even though she was sick for most of her life, my mother had raised the twins and was happy hanging on my father’s every word and wish. Then I came along. It ruined everything.”

Ellis doubted that Mary would ever speak. At last, she did.

“Ellis, you didn’t ask to be born. Or if you did, like some of the psycho-babble-good-speak folks would have us believe, your parents had to agree to be the vehicles for getting you to the planet.” She extended her open hand to Ellis who tentatively hooked her index finger over Mary’s pinkie. “Honey, from what you told me, your mom was sick long before you were born. If you hadn’t been born, she might have given up on life a lot sooner than she did. The way I see it, chances are real good you didn’t ruin anything. You probably saved her life and gave her almost twenty years she wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t been there to make her want to live.”

Ellis wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “It’s my fault she died.”

“Why would you say something like that?” Ellis caught the disbelief on Mary’s face.

“She died because I convinced her to go to my outdoor graduation ceremony.”

“Or she might have died exactly when she did even if she’d never set foot outside the house.”

“You can’t know that.”

“And you can’t know that your version is right, either.”

Ellis let Mary pull her hand into a warm clasp as she contemplated the possibility Mary had presented.

“Let me give you one other idea to add to the mix, okay?” Mary squeezed Ellis’s hand. “Maybe seeing you graduate from high school was the proof she needed that she’d done enough to set you on your way. Maybe her death was her way of giving you both the freedom to explore whatever else you each needed to do next.”

“But my father and my brother and sister… I know they blamed me.”

“You
think
they blamed you. If you never asked them, you can’t know for sure.”

“It felt like they thought it was my fault.”

“Even if you’re right in that supposition, that’s their karma. You’re only responsible for you.”

Ellis used her free hand to caress Mary’s fingers interlaced with hers. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can let myself off the hook that easily.”

“News flash. You’re the only one who can ever let yourself off the hook. We don’t get to control what happens in our lives. We don’t get to know why anything happens. All we get to do is decide how we feel about what happens and then pick what we think is the best thing to do next.”

“How’d you get so smart?”

“That’s a laugh. Look at the mess I’ve made of my life.”

“Are you serious?”

“Well, yeah. Here’s a perfect example. I just turned thirty-nine, and even though I’ve known I liked women for more than thirty of those years, I’ve got exactly one notch on my headboard to show for it.” Mary waited until Ellis looked her in the eye before continuing. “And to this very moment, I don’t know if that was a one-to-a-customer deal or if my ticket is still good for another ride.”

Without letting go of Mary’s hand, Ellis stood. “Come with me, cowgirl. I’ve heard the rodeo is in town.”

“What about getting this house ready to sell and talking about kids and making plans for what we’re going to do about us?” Mary let Ellis lead the way through the living room and down the hall.

“Later. Right now, I’m picking the best thing to do next.”

∗ ∗ ∗ ∗

Mary was surprised at Ellis’s sudden change in ardor. “What happened between the kitchen and my bedroom? Don’t you want to do this?

“Every inch of me wants to do this, but seeing your bed reminded me of the little chat your mother had with me in her kitchen while you were taking Gloria and the kids home the other day.” Ellis dropped like a brick onto the seat of the straight-backed chair in the corner of the bedroom.

Mary yanked off her sweatshirt and slammed it into the clothes hamper. “Wonderful. My mother is still ruining my sex life.”

“She’s got some real strong suspicions about what’s going on between us. She quoted the Bible and everything.”

“Oh, hell. That’s no measure of anything. She quotes the Bible when she changes the TV channel.” Mary kicked her shoes off. “You’d better tell me everything she said.”

Ellis recounted the conversation, including her lies.

Mary ran a brush through her hair. “I hoped with Kendall puking his guts out and everyone else bolting for the door, Mother hadn’t heard Natalie’s invitation for you to have a sleepover in her room.”

Ellis pressed her back against the chair. “No such luck. I probably shouldn’t have lied to your mother.”

“Yes, you should have. You don’t need to bear the brunt of her wrath. That honor belongs to me.”

“So you’re going to tell her about us?”

“Of course, but I need to be sure I’ve done all the groundwork.” Mary stepped on the heel of her left sock with her right foot and pulled her foot free, then did the same for the other foot. “But who are we kidding? She already knows. She’s merely giving herself a long cruise down ‘de Nile’ until I fess up and send her to an early grave.”

“How do you think she found out?”

“My mother still refers to my birth as the day I ran away from home. She’s always known every evil thing I’ve ever done or even contemplated doing.”

Ellis moved to the front edge of the chair. “Aren’t you worried that she’ll cut you out of her life?”

Mary smiled wistfully. “Some days, that’s my fondest wish.” She unbuttoned the top button of her shirt. “But she won’t. She’ll fume loudly and pray unceasingly and say things she’ll regret, and eventually, it will fade into oblivion.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“It’s what happened when Naomi married—gasp—a Methodist. Mother swore she’d never allow the heathen in her house. That lasted about two months, and then Naomi turned up pregnant with her first grandchild, and Barry’s horrible deficiency was forgiven, or at least forgotten. Same story with my divorce from Nathan. You’d have thought I’d single-handedly unleashed all the plagues of the Old Testament. She still nags the daylights out of me about that, but she doesn’t think I’m the devil’s stepdaughter, either.”

“So I don’t need to worry about her looking in your bedroom window and alerting the DeKalb Police Department?”

“I’m not saying we can be totally free around her, but give me some time to work on her. We might as well hope for the best.” Mary undid the next button on her shirt. “And speaking of best, weren’t we supposed to be getting on with the best thing to do next?” She crooked a finger at Ellis.

Ellis began undressing as she rose from the chair. “Thanks for reminding me.”

∗ ∗ ∗ ∗

They made love slowly at first, then with an intense abandon that left them both sated, lying in one another’s arms. Mary dozed, but Ellis stayed awake, savoring the joy of Mary’s long, lean body nestled against her and doubting that anything could ever go wrong between them again. No, they couldn’t be together every night, and maybe not even every weekend, but they would journey on together as a team. Yes, there were still misgivings nipping at the edges of her happiness—Natalie being one of the biggest of those—but for those few electric minutes while Mary reposed peacefully beside her, Ellis had the distinct feeling that her life was only going to get better and better.

∗ ∗ ∗ ∗

Mary stirred awake and spoke. “So you’ll help me get ready to move when the time comes, right?”

Before answering, Ellis settled Mary’s head in a more comfortable spot on her shoulder and tightened her embrace. “Sure I will. Of course, given the way you made me feel over the last hour, you could ask me to carry every piece of your furniture to Clarkesville one by one on my back, and I’d probably do it. I guess it’ll be easier to use my truck, though, huh?”

“I didn’t know my body could feel so much pleasure.” Mary breathed deeply. “Why is it that everything I want seems to be in direct opposition to something else I want?”

“Such as?”

“I want this house to sell fast so that I don’t have to have an endless parade of potential buyers traipsing through it, but at the same time, I don’t want it to sell at all, because it’ll mean moving away from you.”

“Okay, that’s one dichotomy. What else?”

“Having you here in my bed, doing what we’ve been doing is like a dream come true. It was so nice not to have to worry that Nat was going to bang on the door and interrupt us.”

“She can be the queen of less-than-perfect timing, can’t she?”

“No joke, but even though I’m glad she’s not here this very minute, I still miss her. I know she’s safe with Nathan, even if he’s not making her behave herself, but I feel like there’s a giant hole right here in the center of me”—Mary rubbed her chest—“whenever she’s gone.”

“Understood. Anything else?”

“You bet. There’s Nathan. I need him in my life, and I want him to go away and leave me alone. My mom and my sisters make me certifiably insane, but I know they’ll always come through for me if I really need them. I’m excited about finding a new house up in Clarkesville, but I’m not sure what it will be like to live there.” Mary sighed for dramatic effect. “Do you think I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown?”

“No, I don’t think so. It’s more likely a reflection of how complicated your life is.”

“I didn’t even mention the biggest struggle I’m having.”

“Which is what?”

“Now that I know what it means to want somebody, body and soul,” Mary said and hugged Ellis extra hard, “all I want to do is lie in your arms.”

“That doesn’t sound like a conflict of interest to me.” Ellis returned the hug and added a kiss for good measure.

“It is when you take all of the other things I mentioned and put them on the opposite side of the scale. Somehow, I need to tell my ex-husband, my daughter, my mother, and my sisters that I’m Gretchen VanStantvoordt’s love slave.”

“At least that’ll keep me out of the crosshairs. They all think I’m Ellis.”

“See what I mean? I haven’t even told them your real name yet. How will I ever tell them the rest of it?”

“From what I saw of your family the one and only time I’ve been in their company, they probably won’t even hear it until at least the fourth time you say it.”

“Yeah, and even then, I’ll have to stand in the middle of the table, naked as a jaybird, and shout it through a megaphone.”

“Now that paints a picture. Please be sure to videotape the event for me.”

“Tape it? No, m’dear. Despite what I said earlier, the more I think about it, the best way to break this to my mother will be for both of us to be there. She won’t dare go totally ape-shit if you’re right beside me when I drop this little bombshell.”

“I don’t think your mom’s table can support both of us. I’d still vote for your telling her when I’m a safe distance away.” Ellis chuckled. “Say, South America, or maybe Australia.”

“We’ll see.” Ellis heard the distress in Mary’s voice as she continued. “But first things first, I guess. I need to get this house shined up so that the first people who look at it buy it on the spot.” Mary got up to dress.

“I can help,” Ellis said as she pulled the comforter into place on the bed. “Where should we start?”

“Nat’s room. I think the EPA is considering labeling it a hazardous-waste dump. We should probably wear protective clothing while we’re in there.”

“I could go out to the truck and get the heavy-duty gloves I use when I’m spraying weed killer.”

Mary rounded the end of the bed and wrapped Ellis in her arms. “Good idea. The very last thing I’d want you to damage is those magical fingers of yours.”

“Make up your mind, Moss,” Ellis said as a new surge of adrenaline hit her. She caressed Mary’s lower back as Mary pressed herself tighter against her. “Are we packing up your daughter’s room or going back to bed?”

“Let’s tackle the brat’s room.” She kissed Ellis deeply. “And when we’ve had as much of that as we can stand…” She looked meaningfully at the bed. “I know the perfect reward.”

“Have a good weekend with your dad, sweetie.” Mary leaned out the car window to give Natalie a quick kiss on the cheek and waited until she was inside the door to Nathan’s apartment before backing out of the parking space. Her ex-husband waved once as he shut the door.

“He knows,” Mary said, a hint of hysteria in her voice.

“Knows what?” Ellis asked.

“Knows there’s something going on between you and me.” Mary pulled onto the street in front of Nathan’s apartment complex.

“Do you think he and your mother have been comparing notes?”