Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (78 page)

My eyes wander over her body, top to bottom, allowing my body’s desire to take her in. She bites her bottom lip nervously.

“Watching you,” I answer.

Her nose scrunches as she clings to the knot in the towel for dear life. “Watching me?”

Leaning against the doorframe, in a sense trapping her inside, I tilt my head and stare at her. Any other woman may find this uncomfortable, but not Sarah. She’s too crazy.

“Are you giving me a ride or not?”

“I did that already, you didn’t enjoy it as much as I did, remember?” I’m an ass for saying this out loud, but it’s how I feel and I’ve started to care less.

Throughout the time she’s been living with me, I’ve let comments slip here and there. They’re becoming more pointed and direct, but Sarah never takes the bait.

“Wow,” she replies sarcastically. “I work at noon. Are you giving me a ride to The Ward or am I calling Rae?”

The band is practicing this morning before the Ward opens. It’s not often we get to play considering the schedules we all have now, but Hayden’s been wanting to get us together since Bean died. This morning is the first time everyone could be there.

“Yes, Sarah,” I answer, closing my eyes and ignoring the flushed color in her cheeks. The heat from the bathroom smothers us in the small space.

“Thank you,” she replies. “Now, get outta here so I can get dressed.”

Opening my eyes, I focus on hers. I can see by the way she shifts from foot to foot I’m making her uncomfortable.

“Guess I’m not invited to help.”

“Guess not,” she returns, pushing my chest and walking me out the door before slamming it in my face. Slowly trying to kill me.

Once Sarah’s out of the bathroom and locked away in her room, I head into the bathroom and do all I can to ignore the mess she’s left. Combs, curlers, and hair products that I have no fucking clue about, have invaded my space.

“Christ, I don’t know if I want to fuck you or strangle you,” I say before getting ready for the day.

“I fucking heard that!” she screeches from her room.

Slamming the door to the bathroom, I fight the urge to say it again, only this time louder.

* * *

“What’s up, Trav?” Rae asks, walking in my direction from the bar.

Everyone was already setting up by the time we got there. Sarah made us late.

“Heya, Rae. Where’s Ace?”

She looks behind her, then back at me with a puzzled expression. “I swear he was right behind me.”

“Probably in the office with Shelby.”

She nods while moving to sit on the stage, getting comfortable and shifting her hair into a high ponytail. Her eyes assess me carefully, and unfortunately, I’m transparent to her.

“What’s going on with you?” she asks first. “And don’t tell me it’s nothing. You’ve been acting weird for weeks.”

“And you’re just asking me this now?”

With attitude, Rae replies, “I’ve been trying to give you space.”

Taking a seat beside her, I hold my plastic bag full of guitar picks in my hand. “Got shit on my mind.”

“Sarah,” she assumes correctly, but not in the sense she thinks. “Anything else?”

“Rae,” I start to tell her, but I’m too nervous to finish.

Rae’s my best friend. It doesn’t make any sense to those in our group, but she’s the one I’m closest to. Rae’s overcome a horrific past and in some ways, although I’m not sure why, I relate to that.

“Say what’s on your mind,” she prods.

Shaking my head, I study the bag, twisting and turning it in my hands. I’ve never had a real relationship, none worthy of discussion. I’m twenty-seven years old, and although I’ve slept with a few women in the past, they’ve meant nothing in comparison to the one who doesn’t want me.

“Sarah and I. . . .” I start talking without knowing what I’m going to say, so I stop.

“Trav?” Rae questions after my awkward statement. “Are you and Sarah . . . ?”

“No,” I deny, not entirely lying. We aren’t what she’s thinking. “I worry about her.”

“This is nothing new,” she says. “Now, tell me something real, Travis,” she draws out confidently. “Because you want to. I can tell.”

“We’re always at each other,” I tell her, avoiding what I really want to say. I’m unsure what Rae’s reaction would be.

She sighs, tilts her head to the ceiling in thought. “I knew it. She’s too much for you, isn’t she?”

Not in the way she thinks. “Sarah and I aren’t like you and Ace. It’s different.”

“I used to think as she got older she’d be easier to handle, but since Bean’s gone she’s gotten worse.”

“Not really that.”

Rae’s eyebrows furrow. She doesn’t understand.

Clearing my throat, I offer more. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Trav?” she questions. “Are you okay?”

Swallowing hard, I turn to face her. I take a quick breath before letting it out. “I slept with her.”

Her mouth drops open and she inhales a deep breath at the same time she rests her hand on my arm. She squeezes gently, I’m assuming from disbelief.

She wanted real. It doesn’t get any more real than the truth.

“
Jesus Christ,
I expected you to say you were
interested
in her maybe. And maybe you were going to talk to Ace about,” she abruptly stops and looks around to let her mind process the information. “
When?
”

“The night of Bean’s funeral.”

Releasing my arm and grabbing her forehead, she does her best to hide her expression. I’m not sure if it’s disappointment or disbelief.

“I fucked up, didn’t I?” I ask a few seconds later.

Holding her hand out, palm up, she stands as she says, “Give me a minute. I’m processing.”

“Okay,” I reply. It’s hard to hold in a smile. Rae’s flabbergasted.

Finally pulling herself together, she asks, “How does Sarah feel about it? I mean, you two live together, how are you able to do that?”

The answer is simple. “She won’t talk about it. She pretends it didn’t happen.”

“But you don’t want to pretend it didn’t,” she observes.

“I don’t know what I want anymore.”

She sits down again and turns her entire body into mine. Her knee hits my hip as she gets comfortable, leaning back against the wall. She plays with the hem of her jeans to avoid my eyes.

“God, I’m stunned. I don’t even know what to say to you right now,” she tells me.

“I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“
Wrong,
you shouldn’t have kept this to yourself for so long. It’s been
months
since the funeral, Travis. Weeks since Sarah’s moved in with you.”

Nodding, looking down, I remind her, “She’s been hanging with Devon a lot more lately.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Like I said, Sarah and I are fighting all the fuckin’ time.”

“I heard. Lacey told me she’s witnessed a few good ones.”

“Over the stupidest shit. But her mouth mostly.”

“And the way she dresses, I’m sure.”

“That, too.”

Rae quiets beside me, still fidgeting with her jeans.

Looking ahead, I see my sister at the bar talking to Hayden. He has his arms around her waist and kisses her forehead while she smiles up at him. Marlee and Toby stand at the end of the bar. Marlee’s standing between Toby’s legs as he rests his chin on her shoulder. I’m so envious how easy it is between all of them.

“Want my opinion?” she asks, finally breaking the silence.

“You have one?” I smile.

Smirking back, she says, “I do, but I haven’t had time to think this through so it may be ridiculous.”

“Shoot,” I reply.

“This opinion is based on the fact that you want her, okay? I mean, you haven’t said Sarah’s what you want, but go with me on this.”

“Okay,” I answer, but I already know Sarah’s what I want.

“Give her space and time. Bean was her best friend, and both she and Ace haven’t gotten over the loss.”

“Space,” I repeat.

“Lots of it. Let her decide.”

“I hate Devon,” I tell her.

She smiles. “Well, that makes sense considering . . .” She stops, still processing. “God, this must be killing you!”

“Slowly.”

“Jesus, Travis.”

As I start to stand and position myself in front of her, leaving the view of my friends behind, I tell her, “Look, I know me telling you what happened could fuck things up with Ace. I won’t ask you to—.”

“Enough,” she snaps. “He won’t hear it from me. I’m guessing, though, if you’re this wound up about it, he’ll hear it from one of you two soon enough. You do need to tell him. Eventually. Even if nothing comes of any of this.” Still flabbergasted, she asks again, “How long ago was this?”

I tell her again. Apparently the information isn’t sinking in. “After you left my place the night of Bean’s funeral.”

“Criminy, Trav,” she shakes her head as she speaks, “I knew you and Sarah were close, I just didn’t realize. . . .”

“I know.”

“I’m a shitty best friend,” she tells me. “I should’ve known more was going on.”

“I think Ace will tell you I’m the shitty one.”

She looks up, realization finally settling in. “Sarah has always loved you. When I moved here it was obvious.”

“She’s always crushed on Hayden, remember? She may love me in some fucked-up way, but she tolerates me more than anything else.”

Rae’s eyebrows rise, losing themselves in her hairline. “Uhh, Trav? Even I crush on Hayden Flynn.”

“Don’t need to hear this, Rae,” I tell her.

“He’s easy on the eyes, but he’s never been anyone’s type but Lacey’s, and even that was a mess.”

“I guess.”

“God, I’m so . . .”

Smiling into my lap, I tighten the bag at the top before putting it down beside me. “I know.”

Rae leans over and bumps her shoulder into mine. “It’s okay. Things will work out.”

Looking over my shoulder to the stage, I see Ace come out from the side with a clipboard in his hand and pencil behind his ear. He’s so engrossed in what he’s doing he doesn’t notice Rae and me sitting in front of him.

He hasn’t been the same since Bean died, either.

“How was it?” Rae asks, half-smiling.

I narrow my eyes and hope she’s not asking what I think she is. “How was what?”

“You know,” she teases. “Was it weird?”

Raising my eyebrows and trying to remain calm, I ask, “Are you trying to get me to talk about my sex life?”

Her smile widens. “Not really, but thought I’d try.”

“Rae,” Ace calls from behind her and she jumps.

“Shit,” she mumbles, turning in his direction.

“Where’s Sarah?” he asks us.

Rae answers first. “She’s with Lacey at the bar.”

Ace nods, turns around and goes about what he was doing.

“What do you think Ace will say?” she asks, after he is out of view.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re going to eventually tell him, aren’t you?”

Nodding, I return, “Yeah, but I’m not sure when or why. Sarah doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want me.”

“Sarah’s young. She doesn’t know what she wants. Time and space.”

“I know.”

Shaking her head once again in disbelief, she adds, “It makes more sense than it did before.”

“What’s that?”

“You and Sarah. She was mourning Bean, sure, but it was odd she was mourning her without you. I mean you two used to be inseparable, but then . . .”

“Yeah,” I agree. “After the fight with Ace, she showed up at the apartment.”

“You couldn’t say no.”

“I couldn’t turn her away.”

Rae smiles, nudging my shoulder again. “Because you love her.”

Looking down, I agree, “I do.”

CHAPTER FIVE

Sarah

“HOW LONG HAVE
you known him again?” Lacey asks, running her fingers through Liv’s thick dark hair as she sits on her mother’s lap playing with her necklace. Olivia is talking to herself about a cow and a moon. We stopped assuming she was trying to communicate with us long ago and instead we’ve realized she’s probably reciting words from the songs Hayden sings at night to get her to sleep.

“I don’t know. It’s been a while now,” I tell her as we sit around Trav’s dining room table.

“And you’re positive you feel safe going out with him? He treats you okay?”

Her line of questioning already exasperates me. “God, you sound like Ace and Travis! Lacey, it’s a dinner date. People go out together all the time.”

“I know, I know. Sorry. You’ve never really talked about dating anyone before. None of us really know him. He doesn’t say much when he’s around, and you said before you weren’t dating. Friends only, remember?”

Lacey wasn’t around when I was younger and tried to have boyfriends. She missed how Ace always created space between me and any boy I liked. He was vicious, threatening, and took pleasure in scaring the shit out them. Now that I’m not living under his thumb, I’m
almost
free to date whomever I want.

About two months ago, Ace and I finally grew tired of tiptoeing around each other. Ace’s refusal to see me as an adult finally hit its breaking point. I was tired of being told what to do. He’s always been ridiculous, but Bean was always there to run interference. With her gone, our personalities have started to clash more than ever before. After our last big blowout, which involved me coming home after eleven o’clock one night, Ace and I talked. We agreed it was best I go. Then Ace, without my knowledge, moved forward in finding me somewhere to stay until we were able to be in the same room together without wanting to break something, namely each other.

Ace didn’t know that his decision to move me temporarily in with Travis, until I could get on my own feet, completely contradicted what he was trying to accomplish. Since Travis and I spent our night together, we’ve become so distant.

I push, he pulls, both of us refusing to back down.

“Devon doesn’t say much. But he’s a good guy. We’re still just friends,” I tell Lacey as she continues to stare at me.

Devon’s been pushing for more for weeks. I’m not exactly sure what “more” means, since I’ve never had an actual relationship. When I told him he could take me out tonight and we’d label it a date, he was far more enthused than I was.

Lacey quiets, stares down at Liv, and admits, “I’m excited you found someone.”