Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (11 page)

Sounds ridiculous as I write it but guess you had to be there.

Ended the night (morning?) with a medley of Barry Manilow songs.  Can still see Fenella and Nic doing a memorable duet of ‘I Made it Through the Rain,’ while Josh and Rick watched lovingly.  Mrs S would have been proud of us.

A strange but gay evening!

Monday 16
^th
June  AM

Spent morning trying to catch up on the neglected housework.  Dog & Co have now been moved to some very comfy duvets under the stairs so I can finally clean under the kitchen table.

Yuck, most of the clothes from under the table had to be chucked but thankfully my Versace blouse wasn’t among them and at least a pile of washing and ironing has now left the building.

Mrs S called to tell me that she’s on her sixtieth jar of pickle and that Pritesh had told her off for planning to charge only a pound a jar.  Said that I agreed with Pritesh and that she should charge at least four pounds fifty.  “Think of all your time and the cost of the ingredients, Mrs S.  And anyway the mums won’t buy anything that’s too cheap because they won’t think it’s good enough for them.”

“Oh good, you are agreeing with my Pritesh.  I am thinking that maybe you should meet with him to discuss my profit margins.”

Told her I didn’t think that would be necessary but mentally awarded her ten out of ten for trying. 

Got text from Fenella mid morning:

I SO BORED.  TODD AT NURSERY.  CHARLOTTE AT FRIEND’S.  LUNCH?  MY TREAT.  MUST HAVE XMAS FAIR THINGS TO DISCUSS SO GOOD EXCUSE. XX

As Max was also at a friend for lunch, decided to meet, certain that months of dust and scum could wait another morning.  At least it was clean under the table now so I felt I’d made a fairly good start.  Each journey starts with a small step and all that baloney.

PM

“You went
where
for lunch?”  Ned questioned me over dinner.  “Wooo, that must have set her back a few quid.  Hope she’s not expecting a return match.”

I assured him that she didn’t expect me to reciprocate.  He doesn’t need to know that I had, in fact, insisted on doing so (praying that she’d say no!).  But she’s well aware of our situation and said she’d be delighted to come for a bowl of my carrot soup and walnut bread one day next week.

Fenella never makes it feel like she’s ‘lording it’ over me, which she could so easily.  I really am so pleased that I met her and that’s got nothing to do with the free lunch!

Lou phoned just before bed:

“Tried to ring you at lunchtime.  Where were yeh?  Off at some chi-chi restaurant with your new posh pal, I s’ppose?”

Lou has a tendency towards insecurity and, what would now seem, clairvoyance!

“No, no Lou,” I lied, “I was catching up on the housework.  Must have had the hoover on and didn’t hear the phone.”

“That’s orright then.  As long as you were as bored as me, I don’t mind.  Anyway I’m off now to watch a documentary about donating organs to medical science.  There are a few wee bits of Cam I might give ‘em.  He’s getting on ma tits at the moment.  See yeh.”

Went to bed wondering if I have any
normal
friends.

Tuesday 17
^th
June

CCL meeting

Really wasn’t looking forward to going to the school for our return meeting.  Ned had again made it more than clear that if the majority of the school had voted for the abolition of CCL, then he felt we should start to look at other options.  “And bugger the deposit.  I won’t have Max mixing in those circles.  I need to know that most of them are decent, Lib,” he added before heading off to work.

Dressed in suitable CCL supporting clothes - jeans and a T-shirt - and parked our modest Citroën amongst the 4x4’s, Audi’s and sporty numbers.  Ned says most of them park using the ‘Braille Method’.  “Ooops, bumped it.  Must have been too close.  Let’s see if I can park in that space over there
without
hitting anything.”

Have been told the parking at the school is atrocious on a Friday afternoon as they all bring their
biggest
cars so they can dash off to their country retreats for the weekend.  How lovely!  Fenella has already told me that she got rid of her Range Rover because she was sick of having ‘Rich Bitch!’ shouted at her every time she accidentally cut someone up.  “My nerves simply couldn’t take it any more, Lib.  It’s got nothing to do with wealthy arrogance, I’m just a lousy driver!”

Anyway, once again we were shown to the staff room where Nerissa, the smug little gnome, was sorting through her notes and being ignored by other mothers already present.  Thought that was a good sign.

Mrs Montague started with how good it was to see us all back and thanked us for our time and commitment.  She then went on, “Your findings made interesting reading and show the school in a very favourable light.  We have always prided ourselves on being a caring school and this survey has reinforced that.”  She then paused and looked directly at Nerissa, “In short, Mrs Constantinou, all parents - with the exception of five, with whom I’m sure you are on first name terms - have voted for CCL to continue its good work and have agreed to help with future fund raising in any way they can.”

The Gnome looked as if she was about to blow a gasket - obviously not the answer she was expecting.

Mrs Montague continued, clearly loving every minute.  “Should you see fit to remove your children from the school because of this decision, you are, of course, perfectly within your rights.  I would however stress that you would still be required to give a full term’s notice or forfeit your deposit as stated in your original contract with us.  I would be grateful if, as class rep, you could pass this information on to the other opposing mothers.”

She then picked up her files, thanked us all once again and said she had an assembly to attend.

Oh joy, oh bliss!  It was heaven to watch.

The Gnome just sat there looking like a perplexed pixie, deflated, except for her little cheeks which were beginning to puff up as a red flush crept up her neck and face.

“Well …!”  She huffed as she started to gather her bits, “I can’t believe you all support CCL. 
‘Couldn’t Care Less’,
more like.  Well if you want to wait until the school is full of hoodies selling crack and our children are being mugged for their packed
lunches until you see sense, that’s up to you.  Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to go through ‘The Good School Guide’ where, hopefully, I’ll find an institution that doesn’t promote such absurdities.”

Am hoping she still has our sniggers ringing in her pointy little ears!

Wednesday 18
^th
June  AM

Nic called this morning in one of his ‘girlie flaps’.  Both he and Rick have been offered parts on a summer tour, which doesn’t end until a week before their wedding.

“I know it’s an awful lot to ask, Honey-Bun, but would you mind terribly helping with the wedding arrangements?  We’ve got lists and phone numbers and everything so it shouldn’t be too diff.”

Hope I managed to conceal my panic - I could just see my life spiralling out of control.  I’ve taken on the fair and the puppet show and haven’t even given a thought to my
own
birthday (the biggie) also in August.  Thought I was meant to have more time for myself as Max got older?

Nic’s such a good friend though and he really was panicking so I agreed for him to pop round later with the lists and his credit card details.

One
more job can’t hurt and it
is
only a smallish wedding.  How difficult can it be?

PM

Nic forgot to mention they hadn’t got round to actually booking
anything
apart from the registrar! (who was, thankfully, available to perform the ceremony at any approved venue). Oh, they’ve had lots of
ideas,
all of which were listed and one they’d even gone definite on - the colour scheme, black & cream (“
so
much classier than white!”)

Frankly surprised by their lack of organisation.  Really not like them at all but their obsession with detail had degenerated into lots of poofy bickering.

The pursuit of perfection now lies with me and I have a
new
list:

WEDDING LIST- as supplied by Nic & Rick, with notes by me.

Book venue - 23
^rd
August - try to have ceremony and reception in same place.  If gorge hotel, book us the bridal suite as well.  Will trust your judgment on food, Nige’! (Poss: sea food?  No buffet crap.)

Great!  The most popular month of the year for weddings and I’m meant to secure a venue.  Panic then search web.

Once venue sorted, get invites done and posted - decide on one of the two invites in file, cos we can’t. Wording for invites and guest list attached - include the glorious Mrs S if you think she’d be up for it.  Please note black and cream
only
to be worn - makes for fab photos - make clear to Ned in particular, couldn’t bear one his horrendous shirts!

Have decided on the most ornate invite - camp but not over the top.  Review Ned’s shirts with gay eye tomorrow.

Order wedding cake - choc not fruit - must be gorgeous, in keeping with colour scheme and no more than 400 quid.

400 quid?  I’ll make one myself for a
fraction
of that - consider tomorrow.