Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (8 page)

Went to sleep with thoughts of ‘best Christmas Fair ever’ running through my head.

4am

Woke in cold sweat.  I’ll kill Fenella.  She caught me at a weak moment.  I hadn’t had any chocolate for two days so I was vulnerable.  Have never organised anything like this in my life and it will be a total disaster.  We’ll be a laughing stock.  Oh, help!

Thursday 5
^th
June

Not a good start to the day.  Wardrobe malfunction.

Woke up to find that one of the puppies had left a runny poop on the dress I’d stupidly left on the kitchen chair.

Tried to scrape it off and do a spot clean but the effect would have been less ‘Fundraiser Mum’ and more ‘Mum-Who-Needs-Funds’.  Gave up on a bad job and quickly chucked on the first thing I could find - bum lifting jeans and crocheted top.  Not a good omen for the first day in my official school capacity.

Quickly dropped Max at nursery and made a dash down the A3 for our meeting.  The committee Chair, a mother with three already at the school, said she’d prefer for us to go to her as she had a new Filipino housekeeper and wasn’t comfortable with leaving her ‘home alone’ yet.  God, if I had a cleaner I’d be more than happy to leave her alone.  I don’t want to do the cleaning
myself
, so why would I want to watch someone else do it?  We’ve got nothing worth pinching though, so I guess the stakes are much higher.

Had to sit in the driveway of the house for a while to get my mouth to close, before I finally got out of the car.  Wow, I thought F&J’s house was a humdinger but … this one!  No wonder she didn’t want to leave the hired help alone.  If I lived there, though, I’d get around it by taking myself to another wing.

Fenella was just getting out of her car as I pulled my drooling tongue back in.

“Hey, Sweedie.  Will you look at this?  We’re certainly going up in the world aren’t we?  Josh would love it but I find it just a little too ostentatious.  Anyway, shall we?”  She teetered across the gravel drive in her baby blue heels while I tried not to clomp my way in the only boots that went with the jeans - but they’re lovely soft leather and the heel was still ‘this season’ when I last checked.

Sharon (the Chair), or ‘Shaaaron’ as we were told it was pronounced (yeah I bet), was very welcoming and led us through the massive entrance hall, past endless rooms which seemed to have rooms leading off yet more rooms, through to the back of the house to a huge sunny conservatory overlooking a vast garden with, seemingly, also no end.

We were offered Earl Grey tea or Elderflower but my poor toxic body was screaming for a shot of caffeine.  Had just opted for the Earl Grey when Fenella said,

“Would it be terribly forward of me to ask if you have any coffee?  Just bog standard instant is great but I’m just gagging for a cup.”

‘Shaaaron’ made a huge show of, “How terribly rude you must think me.  Yes, yes of course, I’ll get Tuanang to get the cafetière out - I know we don’t keep instant.  Never think to offer it now as I haven’t touched a drop myself for years.”

Felt like a big wuss as I sipped my Earl Grey, when all I craved was coffee but was too shy to ask.  Didn’t even know it was ‘the done thing to do’ - guess it’s a bit like ordering ‘off menu’.  Must make a note for next time.  “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly drink white wine.  Could I perhaps have a Bollinger?”

Spent the next
two hours
going over our rep and Christmas Fair duties.  The repping should be easy peasy (organise a couple of coffee mornings and a class dinner) but the fair looks a mammoth task.

“I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you both for taking this on.  It was beginning to look like it would fall to me this year and I really am so bogged down with my charity work now, I just didn’t feel up to it.  Once you’ve got all your outside traders booked up with your fancy goods - you know jewellery, candles, handbags etc - you’ve really only got to allocate each class an activity to run on the day and you’re away.  Anyway, I think you’ll find it’s all fairly self explanatory from the notes supplied by previous organisers.”

She then gave us each four massive files and told us to give her a call if we had any queries.  Although Thursdays between 9 and 11 was really the only time she would be available as her schedule was “fiendishly tight” at the moment.

Had a quick coffee in the park on the way home (I was spitting feathers for one by then) and noticed Fenella looked a little pale at the thought of the challenge ahead.

“Oh boy, Libby.  What have I got us into?” she whimpered.  “I’m
so
sorry.  Do you absolutely hate me?”

Have to say I felt really sorry for her and tried to be the up-beat one.

“Of course not, Fenella.  I’m sure once we’ve been through our files it won’t be nearly as bad as it seems.  Let’s both go through them on our own tonight and then get together tomorrow and compare notes.  We’ll be fine … I’m sure … really I am.”

Realised I didn’t sound very convincing but lying has never come easily to me.  I was always the one caught at school.  “Libby Edgington, have you been smoking?”  All the others were quick to deny but not me. “Yes Sir, I have,” I’d readily confess.  Then I’d get in even more trouble for appearing defiant.  Who says, honesty is the best policy?”

Wasn’t about to let on to Fenella that I was, in fact, shitting it.  Made a quick getaway on the pretext of having to be early to pick Max up from nursery.

Will spend an hour going through the notes tonight and hopefully all will become clearer.

Friday 6
^th
June

Am writing this slumped at the kitchen table as I didn’t make it to bed last night.

Ned found me here this morning, surrounded by my files.  Felt so sorry for me, he took Max to nursery and said he’d work from home today so that he can collect him too.

And that’s why I’m still here in my dressing gown at 11.30, slurping on my third cold coffee in a bid to wake myself up enough to get dressed.

Might be in shock as every now and then I make a sound bordering on a whinny.  And it’s accompanied with a little involuntary shudder.

When the landline rang, it didn’t quite compute with my brain and I couldn’t understand why nobody answered when I flipped open my mobile.  After a fleeting ‘D’oh’ moment, I realised my mistake and picked up the home phone.

All I could hear was another little whinnying sound and, for a moment, thought it was me again.  Then I realised who it was.

“Seems as if you’ve been struck by the same dreadful disease as me.”  I said.

“What, ‘Christmas-Fair-itis?”  Fenella replied.

“That’s the one.  Look … need sleep … must go … can’t fight it any longer.   Wine later … here 7pm?”  Seemed to be finding it impossible to speak in full sentences.

“Sleep … good … wine… seven … later.”   Fenella was finding the talking thing difficult too.

Unable to write anymo …

Saturday 7
^th
June

Finally surfaced from bed yesterday at 5pm.  Had quick shower and fed Max, Dog and growing puppies.

Ned and Josh had already spoken and decided to go to the pub while Fenella and I did our Christmas Fair stuff.  Then, when they came back, we’d all have a take away.  Josh had even booked a babysitter while Fenella slept.

Ned popped to the ‘offie’ for emergency supplies.  “Think you may be needing it, don’t you?” he asked jokingly.

Fenella and I were halfway through our second bottle when we stopped and studied our
abbreviated
list.

Make sure all outside traders are booked by May - the quality ones get booked very early for Christmas.

May?  We’re stuffed!  Only tat on sale this year then.

Decide on activity for each class to run.  Purchase all equipment needed. Give full written instructions.  Organise rota for the day - half hour slot per helper. 

And this is for seven classes - nursery through to year 6!

Organise grotto for Santa.  Buy and wrap 300 gifts (to accommodate siblings) - age and sex appropriate.  Locate decorations for grotto.  Book three Santa’s and allocate their time slots.  Enlist help of five elves to be present.  (‘Elf and Safety’
states that Santa cannot be left alone with a child at any time so must have elf chaperones at all times)

We laughed for a long while about the logic behind that one.  All the Santas would be fathers from the school anyway, but what was the sense of trying to control a potential problem by throwing even more small children at it?

Decide on food and refreshments.  Observe list of Health and Safety requirements.  Including: No hot drinks without lids, no nuts, no sharp implements, no sweets.  Beg or bribe unsuspecting mothers to take food stall.  Always the least popular task, so start putting feelers out ASAP.

As unpopular as the actual organisation of the Fair?  We are most definitely doomed.

Start to plan circulars/letters for donations required i.e.: tombola, used toys/books, cakes, raffle.  Ideally a letter should go to each child every week to keep the Fair in forefront of everyone’s minds and the donations more generous.

That’s about 1,800 letters then!  Must stock up on printer ink.

Make sure each mother donates at least one (nut-free) cake or cupcakes to the cake stall.  All donations to be left in school hall the day prior to the Fair.  Cakes then need to be wrapped in attractive,
coordinated
cellophane and ribbons.  Any previously wrapped must be unwrapped and conform to outline above.