Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (4 page)

PM

Had great walk and lunch with F&J, kids and Dog.

Apparently, Fenella’s a frustrated musical actress - who would have guessed?  She’d love to join an am/dram but only has the confidence after a couple of crates of Dutch (or usually French) courage.

It’s comforting to know that even affluent people with apparent confidence have their insecurities.  She may sound like she was born with a kilo of plums in her mouth, but deep down she’s very much like me.

Realise I have a lot to learn and shouldn’t be so quick to judge people.  Who knows, there could even be more to Nasty Marcia than meets the eye?

Monday 19
^th
May

Hate
NM
with a passion almost as great as that I feel for MG!

She laughed at Dog and said he was “hardly the sort of specimen that would be allowed through the hallowed gates of Manor House.”

Luckily, Max laughed and said he thought she was jealous.

I didn’t see the funny side.

Tuesday 20
^th
May

Dog held his little head (but still not his leg) high this morning as we walked to nursery.

He looks a lot better after the shampoo’n’set we gave him last night.  Ok, he needs to lose a little weight but he’s a fine dog and Max loves him.

Met Fenella in the park for coffee.  She’s such good fun to be with and I still giggle every time I relive the image of her shimmying her pink feather boa on the breakfast bar prior to the big fall.

“Fuck, Libby.  I can’t get over the price of the school uniform.  I really resent it, you know.  OK, so we want a decent education for our kids but we shouldn’t be expected to fork out that sort of money because they insist on top quality.  What’s so bad about a cheap pair of polyester trousers that, if they don’t grow out of within a month, you can be damn sure they’ll have put their knee through?  Sorry but Todd will be the growing boy with the ankle swinger trousers and corduroy patches on his knees.  I spend money on decent clothes for out of school.  I won’t throw good money away on uniform.”

Funny that, I’d never dream of sending my son to school looking anything less than well turned out.  Maybe the affluent have some strain of perverse frugality.

Have invited F&J back to us this Saturday and don’t even feel like I need to make the house look better than it is.  Feel very secure in our new friendship.

Fenella won’t notice anyway.  After a few bottles of the cheapest but most impressive looking plonk I can find, I’m hoping she’ll be entertaining us again and our homely but worn kitchen and threadbare rugs will be the last things on her mind!

Broadway, here we come!

Wednesday 21
^st
May

Still no one’s claimed Dog and we’re all, including Ned, becoming too fond of him.

Just the sight of his little wet nose and waggy tail in the morning is enough to get anyone out of bed.  And it’s really heart-warming to see Max so eager to walk to nursery and show him off.

I think we may have a permanent new tenant.

Thursday 22
^nd
May

Went downstairs this morning to find that Dog had given birth to six little balls of fluff under the kitchen table!

Neither Ned nor I could actually speak but Max made up for it.

“Oh Mummy, Daddy.  WOW!  He’s such a clever dog.”

Seriously doubt his career as a vet now.

Too dumb-founded to write more and feeling too stupid - yes ‘he’ did wee like a girl!

Friday 23
^rd
May

Dog’s an excellent and very protective mum.  He (silly but I just can’t start calling him ‘she’, even knowing what we now know) has made a very comfortable abode under the kitchen table, by dragging bits of washing from the utility room to accommodate his brood.  Dread to think which articles of clothing we may be missing but couldn’t possibly move the little family now - please God don’t let my silk Versace blouse (my only successful TK Maxx bargain ever!) be amongst it.  That would just be too cruel - but excellent taste on Dog’s part!

Think Ned may still be in shock.  He keeps wandering around the kitchen saying, “It’s a bitch!  A bloody bitch!  Can you believe what we’re lumbered with?  It gave birth under our table for heaven’s sake.  I never wanted a dog and now we’ve got seven of the sodding things squatting in our kitchen.”

Got a bit fed up with all his moaning so tried to placate him with a cheapie glass of plonk and a couple of freshly made MG salmon and cream cheese whirls I’d prepared for tomorrow night - now I’ll need to make more! Why can’t I ever get ahead?

Eventually snapped and told him to stop stating the bleedin’ obvious.

Saturday 24
^th
May  AM

Took Max to the park this morning to get rid of some of his excess energy so that I wouldn’t feel too guilty spending the afternoon cooking for tonight.  Ned seemed a bit calmer and slightly more accepting of the situation.  Honestly, anyone would think it was me who’d just dropped sextuplets under the table and he was being expected to support us all.

“I’ve worked out we can home them all at the end of August,” he said over coffee in the café.  “We should start asking around now to see if anyone’s interested.  And, of course, we do have the problem of who looks after them when we go to Scotland in July.”

Bugger!  That hadn’t even occurred to me.  Our annual get together with Lou and Cameron - just as well one of us thinks about the practicalities of dog owning.

I lied that I’d already considered that and would be speaking to Mum later.  Sure she’d love to stay in the house for a week and look after them.  This works quite well as I know I’ll also come back to a spic and span house.  Bonus!  Good Dog.

Spent the afternoon preparing food and doing a general tidy up of the kitchen.  Felt quite farm-housey, with our little sleeping bundles under the table and Max and Ned making Lego figures on it.

Not quite sure about the hygiene aspect of it all but then nobody ever tells MG to put a hair net on her flowing locks so I’m sure a bit of puppy fur can’t hurt.

PM

Slightly squiffy as I write this.

Had another great evening with F&J.  Food was a big hit, as were the puppies.  Fenella’s decided they’ll have two when they’re ready to leave their Dad.  Mum?  Whatever!

Don’t know how keen Josh was on the idea but he soon agreed after Fenella coquettishly promised him “something delightful” when they got home.

He looked so lovingly at her as she did a very sultry version of ‘Big Spender’.  We didn’t have a breakfast bar or feather boa for her performance but she managed perfectly well with just a chair and a tea-towel.

Evening ended with us all doing a medley of ‘Roll out the Barrel’, ‘Knees up Mother Brown’ and ‘Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner’.  Josh did a very good job of drums on the table and I hopefully correctly recall that I played the spoons rather well.

Had to quieten down at about 1-ish as Max came down and told us we’d keep the puppies awake.

Sunday 25
^th
May

Fairly lazy day.

Nipped next door to Mrs Sengupta with some leftovers but she asked me if I’d mind popping to “Mucky Dee’s” (MacDonalds) for one of her much loved Big Macs.  With strange logic she tells herself they’re not made of sacred cow because she claims there’s no meat in them.  She’d also run out of her “medicinal Babycham” so asked if I could get her a couple of dozen.  She’s a game girl.

Not sure if Pritesh is aware of her fondness for the bubbly stuff.  Keep meaning to find a time to discuss with him but feel it best to avoid any time spent alone with him.  Tend to opt for the safety of email.

Got home to find Max obsessed with taking photos of the puppies and then getting Ned to show him on the computer.  Every dog now has a name and every photo a title.

‘Dog washing Spot’

‘Dog kissing Dot’

‘Dog and Stripe’

‘Splodge and Brown’

‘Sleeping Spot and Patch’

Max made us laugh when he entitled one picture, ‘DOG, my dog.  He is the best dog mum in the world.’

Definitely not one for ‘Show and Tell’ tomorrow.

Monday 26
^th
May  AM

Was called into nursery today for a meeting with Mrs Adams.

Found it quite hard to keep a straight face when she voiced her concerns about Max’s language.  She’d overheard him telling the other children, “Guess what?  The bitch gave birth under the kitchen table!”

Thankfully, she saw the funny side when I explained and he won’t be getting an ASBO just yet.

Even said she’d like to see the puppies as she might want one for her daughter - this breeding lark is a doddle.  Wonder if there’s a career in it for me?