Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (3 page)

Think up new and tactful ways to make Mrs Sengupta realise that I’m not about to jump ship and abscond with Pritesh even if he does own “very successful emporium of white goods in Wembley”.

Come up with less tactful and more blatant ways to make Pritesh himself realise I am not about to jump ship and abscond with him -
the light in his admittedly gorgeous Bollywood eyes has been shining a little too brightly for my liking lately
.

Start thinking of ideas for Max’s birthday in August. Venue
?  Can’t have his new friends here!  Price?  Speak to Ned, after sex.  Usually the best time to discuss financial outgoings
.

Have sex.

Wednesday 14
^th
May  AM

Felt quite exhausted after starting on my jobs yesterday so forgot to have sex last night.  Still, it’s on the list so am sure we’ll get around to it eventually.

Max is now insisting that he can hear a dog crying outside at night.  This obsession is getting out of hand.  Must look up solution on the web.  Perhaps a toy one would help.

Collected Max from nursery and took the tube to Harrods to get uniform.  Couldn’t find any on eBay and, anyway, decided my conscience wouldn’t allow it.  Max should always feel like an equal and he
will
go to school looking his best.

Felt quite posh walking through Knightsbridge and window-shopping.  Just the smell of Harrods’ perfumery department made me feel posh!  Very tempted to buy some fancy goods in the Food Hall but made do with some reasonably priced virgin olive oil for Mrs Sengupta and some organic biscuits which were close to their sell-by.

School uniform staff were very efficient and advised me to buy slightly too large as Max will have grown a bit by September.  As it turned out, even the smallest size was too big for him so he’ll need to do quite a bit of growing or the teachers will be lucky to find him under it all.  Got quite teary when I saw him trying it all on - almost like a mother seeing her daughter in her wedding dress.  He’s off into ‘the system’ and soon he won’t need me anymore.  I’ll just be boring old Mum.

Felt quite depressed by this so ended up taking him to the toy department and spending 35 quid on a stuffed dog.  Added to the £450 spent on school uniform, PE kit and food delicacies, it had turned out to be quite a day.

Took a while to get home as ‘Dog’ (it’s official) needed to pee at every lamppost.  Max almost persuaded me to get off the tube at one point but I’m not that daft.  I said he could wait until we got to Southfields.

Think I may have sorted the situation.

PM

Ned thought I was raving mad spending that amount on a stuffed toy and, just as I was about to defend myself, Max called down saying that he could hear a dog crying outside again!

Thursday 15
^th
May

Stuffed ‘Dog’ now seems to be a big hit.  Max even took him to nursery and tonight was trouble free with no complaints about crying dogs.

Think Ned was very impressed with my parenting skills and we had rather satisfying sex.

Thanks Dog, 35 quid well spent, methinks!

Friday 16
^th
May

Would you believe it?  Woke up this morning to find a mangy looking mongrel kipping on our doorstep.  Well, it’s definitely a bit worse for wear but, for a stray, surprisingly plump.  He seemed delighted to be let in and fed some leftover MG meatloaf but not half as delighted as Max.

“Oh, Mummy.  I told you I could hear my dog.  THIS is ‘Dog’ not the silly stuffed one!” and, with that, he chucked the expensive bribe aside and threw his arms around the smelly mutt’s neck.

Ned smirked, but then decided to be the voice of reason.  “Max, mate, we can’t keep him.  His owner’s probably missing him.  Tell you what, we’ll look after him for today and Mummy can call the local vets and places he might have been reported missing.  OK?  But he
will
have to go home.”

Max was one step ahead though.  “But Daddy.  What if he doesn’t
have
a home?  Can we keep him then?”  At this point he was leaning on the
real
‘Dog’s’ back and looking like he’d found the best friend in the world.

This, coupled with the fact that he looked so cute in his stripy pyjamas - not to mention that Ned was already running late for a meeting - resulted in Ned relenting, “Perhaps - but only if no one claims him.”

Took ages to get to nursery as Max insisted on walking and telling everyone he met along the way that he had a new dog called Dog!

Took even longer to ring all the vets etc. to report his appearance on our doorstep.

And longer still to pluck up the courage to ring Ned at work and tell him no one had reported a missing dog.

Max made a very intelligent observation on the walk home.  “Look Mummy.  Dog does his wee-wees like a girlie dog.”

Wonder if he has a future as a vet?

Must remember to get Dog’s gender checked if he ends up staying with us.

Saturday 17
^th
May

Managed to avoid getting dragged next door for a date with my future husband although Mrs Sengupta did call out, “Oh, Libbybeta, Pritesh has brought me wonderful new Dibeder player.”  Worked out she meant DVD as she added, “I am very much thinking you would never go without electrical or battery operated goods if you made my Pritesh a happy man.”

Pritesh gave me a saucy wink as he sauntered up the path with a box of cables.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t flattered by his crush (which I realise is partly fuelled by his mother) but I’m a very happily married woman so I am always careful not to give the wrong impression.  Hope I managed a very English and frigid smile and not one that made me look like I had a bad case of wind.

Off to Fenella & Josh’s tonight, so had lovely long walk on the common to wear Max and Dog out.  Definitely a dog in need of exercise judging by the size of his girth.  He does seem to be rather hungry too.  Must worm him.

Sunday 18
^th
May  AM

Thankfully, Mum didn’t mind babysitting Max
and
Dog while we went to F&J’s last night.  In fact, she became a bit misty eyed before we set off.  “Oh, look at the pair of them snuggled up there.  Poor Maxie, the little lamb.  It’s just what he needs, being an only child and all.”

Mum still can’t accept that not
all
women fall pregnant at the whiff of a bonk and can be quite insensitive at times.  It’s not like she doesn’t know we’ve been trying for two years.  Some women are blessed with only one child and maybe I’m one of those.  Anyway, didn’t want her to upset my mood as I was looking forward to an evening with possible new friends and felt I was looking pretty glam, so I let her get away with her tactlessness.

Had decided on my best jeans with a low cut sparkly kaftan type top and strappy sandals, as it was quite a warm evening.  My hair did as it was told for once and Ned commented on how good I looked.  It felt like a magical evening, which I know sounds a bit ‘Disney’, but it’s truly how I felt …. the promise of a new chapter in our lives.

As it turns out the evening
was
great.  Fenella and Josh are a lovely couple and so easy to get on with.  Their house is, of course, gorgeous and they obviously have big money but they’re just so … well, normal, I guess.  Fenella was entertaining and attentive - between feeding three cats and constantly ushering her two kids back to bed.  They have Todd - who’s joining Max at Manor House - and a daughter, Charlotte, almost three.

“Both IVF babies!”  She volunteered as she swigged her Pinot Grigio and threw fresh Parmesan onto some rocket.  “Sometimes nature needs a little helping hand.  Of course, I accept it’s not for everyone but it seemed the right thing for us.  Do you think you’ll have any more, Libby?”

I’ve been known to get snappy with people when they ask, but it’s usually to do with the way it’s worded.  I’ve even been asked (by ‘Nasty Marcia’, of course) if I
chose
to have only one baby.  As if I’m past my sell-by-date already! (Which, at 39, I privately concede is quite possible).  But the increasing openness of Fenella, and the feeling that this was the start of a
real
friendship, didn’t get my back up at all.  I just answered, “No, I think it’s unlikely that we’ll have more.  It would have been nice but maybe it’s a little late now and keeping one in private school will be enough for us, won’t it Ned?”

Ned hadn’t heard a word of the girlie chat, as he was too busy ogling pictures of the boat Josh has moored on the Thames and knocking back the Claret.  We really have hit the high life!

Food was delicious, Josh charming and very humorous, Fenella the perfect British hostess until after the dessert wine when she regaled us with Broadway show tunes and fell off the breakfast bar.

Laughed our way walking through the back streets until home.

Had sex.

All in all a pretty good night.

Woke this morning with a raging hangover, Dog desperate for a wee and my ears ringing with the bleeping of a text message.  Ned, buoyed by the alcohol-fuelled bonk, saw to Dog while I checked the mobile.  Damn, just realised I forgot to bring up the subject of Max’s party!  AGAIN.  Add to new list.

Text message read:

I SO SOZ.  2 PISSED!  DID I MAKE BIG FOOL OF SELF?  WILL U EVER WANT 2 C US AGAIN?  HOW ABOUT WALK AND LUNCH AT PUB 2DAY AT 2?  LOVE FENELLA X

Laughed so hard my hangover hurt even more - I like our new friends.