Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (2 page)

Max insisted on helping, so my julienne vegetables looked a little jagged round the edges and varied considerably in size - there’s only so much you can expect a four year old to do with a blunt knife (sorry, I’m not one of those ‘Continuum Concept’ mums who let their toddlers run around with lethal implements).  Abandoned the idea of dinky little chive-tied parcels and decided to go for the more rustic look.  After all, my son’s happiness is more important than presentation.

Managed to fob Max off with more excuses as to why we can’t get a dog - how long will this phase last?  Been told it’s probably because he’s an only child and will grow out of it soon enough. I do feel a bit sorry for him though, and I’d dearly love one too, but explained we needed to tighten the purse strings now.  “Dog food doesn’t grow on trees,” Ned keeps reminding him.  To which Max, quite cleverly, I think, for a four year old, usually replies, “No, but dog poo grows
under
them doesn’t it, Daddy?”

Saturday 10
^th
May  AM

Woke up with a bit of a hangover this morning - which is hardly surprising given the number of bottles in the recycling.  You can always rely on Nic & Rick to make an evening go with a swing - the joy of having gay actors as friends.

They commented on my “scrummy four course meal” - if you include a few bits of exceptionally stinky cheese as the final course.  I guess I did rather excel myself.  The ‘My God’ regime is definitely improving my culinary skills.  All I needed was a flick of the hair and a seductive simper into an imaginary camera about my ‘dribbling juices’ and I’d have the full package.

Really must stop watching her TV programme - I truly hate the woman.

PM

Went to the park to see if we could blow away the cobwebs.  Felt better after a couple of lattés in the park café - the upper end of the luxuries we can still allow ourselves.

Met a really nice couple with a son Max’s age and it turned out that he’s due to start at Manor House in September too.  Swapped phone numbers and said we’d get together before the tea party.

Felt much happier about having a school gate buddy to see me through the first few anxious days. Until Ned piped up, “You do realise they live in one of those fuck-off mews houses on the river?  They probably won’t want to know us once they realise we’re in a run down cottage.”

Went to bed quite grumpy.

Sunday 11
^th
May  AM

Pretty lazy morning, watching CITV and making Play-Doh figures.  Must make Max realise we can’t keep every single mouse, worm and snail that we make.  Most kids are quite happy to scrunch it up in a ball and stick it back in the pot. But Max remembers every piece like a priceless work of art, who made it and when.  “Oh no Mummy, we can’t get rid of the ant.  Granny made it the day she looked after me.  And that’s the butterfly you made before you got cross with me for sneaking chocolate into my room.”  Guess all kids have their little quirks and how nice to have such an uncluttered brain that you can remember such minutiae?

At 1.15, realised that my own very cluttered brain had forgotten we were meant to be at Mum’s for lunch at 2.  This resulted in a cranky four-year old son and an even crankier forty-year old husband as I hurried them to get ready.  “Sundays aren’t meant for rushing.” Ned moaned.  “I only get two days off a week.”  God, how many children am I dealing with around here?

I would have snapped back that, as a trainee domestic goddess, I don’t have
any
days off so I was looking forward to having someone cook for
me
for a change.  I know what Mum’s cooking is like though, and I’m also well aware of what Ned thinks of it, so I bit my tongue and let him have his moan.

PM

Nice to see Mum today, even if we did have to put up with her ‘private school concerns’ as she delicately puts it.  She even had the cheek to ask Ned if it was what
he
really wanted for his son.  Ned pointed out it had been a joint decision.  I was so proud of the way he supported me until he spluttered his uncooked Brussels sprout across the table when she mentioned that public schools were known for churning out ‘shirt lifters’.  “Oh yes, Ned, homosexuality is rife in those places.  Still, as long as you feel you’re doing the right thing.” Apart from her sweeping generalisation, Mum still hasn’t grasped that Manor House is co-ed.

Both spent the rest of the evening chewing Rennies and watching ‘Brideshead Revisited.’

Monday 12
^th
May

Got the full info pack from the school today - timetable, school dates, rules and regs, after-school clubs and, frighteningly, the school uniform list and social calendar.

Invited Ruth and Beckie round for coffee while the kids were at nursery.

“Shit a brick, Lib!  Have you seen the prices of their kit?”  Beckie gasped.  “And the only supplier is Harrods.  You can’t even do a sneaky M&S run cos it’s all so specialist.  Wow, 45 quid for a jumper.  Bet you can’t remember when you last spent that on one for yourself?”

I’m well known amongst my friends for finding the jewels in the charity shop crown but have made a mental note to conceal this from any new friends I’m likely to make at Manor House.

Ruth was busy studying the social calendar and didn’t do much to relieve the situation by drawing my attention to the following:

Thursday 11 September - Cocktail Party in main hall.  £70 per couple to include canapés.

Tuesday 16
 
September - ‘Seedlings’ class Mums coffee morning.  Venue TBA

Saturday 20 September - ‘Seedlings’ Parents dinner.  ‘The Orangery’ 8pm

Tuesday 28 October - Charity quiz night.  Tickets £30 each.  Please donate generously on the night.

Saturday 15 November - Christmas Fair.  Volunteers and raffle prizes needed - so far we only have 2 week skiing trip, crate of vintage Moët, Opera box and 2 pairs of Manolo Blahniks

Wednesday 10 December - Christmas Concert / Mulled wine.

Saturday 13 December - Christmas Ball. Tickets £250 per couple.

“Phew, Libby!  Quite a social life down at Manor House.”

Don’t think I answered her.  I was too busy totting up the cost of the tickets, mentally flicking through my charity shop wardrobe and wondering if I could get away with donating a batch of My God’s ‘Moist Muffins’ to the raffle.

Tuesday 13
^th
May

Fenella, the mum we met in the park, phoned today and said that she and her husband Josh would like to invite us for dinner this weekend.  “It won’t be anything fancy.”  She said.  “And I can fully understand if you’re booked already.  We can always make another date if that would suit you better.”

Looking back, she sounded as unsure of herself as I usually feel and I found myself liking her even more for it.  Agreed to go to their swanky mews at 8 on Saturday.

Mrs Sengupta popped in briefly to let me know that her “beautiful but divorced son, Pritesh” would be coming for lunch on Saturday and would I like to join them.  “Oh, Libbybeta” (her term of endearment), “My Pritesh is so much better suited to you than your Neddy-Man and you are perfect daughter-in-law.  I am very much hoping that one day you will see the light.”

Thank goodness Ned can see the funny side of Mrs Sengupta’s matchmaking or we’d be in the divorce courts before you could say “Chicken Tikka Massala”.

Took the opportunity, while Max was painting a picture of the dog he
still
wants, to start drawing up a list of things I need to do.

PLAN OF ACTION

Buy school uniform -
check eBay first
.

Label all uniform -
can’t afford to lose any at those prices
.

Organise my wardrobe into sections -
cool ‘Drop-off Mum’, chic ‘Coffee Mum’, ‘Cocktail Mum’, ‘Volunteer Mum’, ‘School Ball Mum’ etc
.

Chuck all ‘Knackered & Broke Mum’ clothes and replace with above from either charity shops or eBay -
try for designer only or good copies
.

Book hair appointment -
need snazzy new cut and colour.  Wonder if the grey I’m starting to develop qualifies me for ‘pensioners cut price Wednesday’?  Ha!

Do regular manicure and not just cuticle bashing and a coat of nude.

Decide what to wear to Fenella and Josh’s. 
Possibly trendy jeans with cami and beaded cardie.  Check if all clean and see if shoes need re-heeling
.

Check out Fenella and Josh Hunter-Barnes on web -
always good to know who you’re dealing with
.

Buy expensive looking but cheap gift for Fenella -
possibly pot plant? ‘Moist Muffins’ wrapped to look better than they actually are? Source Cath Kidston fabric maybe
.

Decide on date for F&J to come to us -
if Saturday not disaster
.

If decided on date for F&J to come to us, must do new list of what we can do to make the house look more affluent -
obviously at little or no cost.  Easy!

Start to experiment with more ‘MG’ recipes. 
Doesn’t do to rest on laurels and may need to be entertaining more soon
.

Enter all school social events into diary and pass dates on to Ned -
don’t want to front up on my own
.