Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (45 page)

Friday 13
^th
March  AM

Another Friday 13
^th
!

Jenny & Colin tonight

Survived the day without any horrible dramas but no fantastic prospects either.

Surfed the web for some tips on using Feng Shui to boost our wealth areas - can’t hurt to give it a try and we need all the help we can get.  We now have a money tree in our south-east corner and lots of blue, turquoise and green objects.  Doesn’t help that our loo is also in our wealth spot - apparently not good!  Discovered we must always ensure that loo lid is down - except when in use of course.

Can almost feel the money flowing back into our house as I write - perhaps I should set up as a Feng Shui adviser?

Saw Gestapo and the Gnome having a rather heated discussion outside the school. Fenella and I stood as close to them as plausibly polite but couldn’t really pick up on anything.  Gestapo was looking exceptionally rough and I even detected a couple of throbbing zits.  Her dark roots were now looking decidedly greasy with
maybe
even a
hint
of grey.

Tried to be a good Christian and not gloat but, have to admit, found it very difficult.

Not as difficult as Fenella though who just sniggered, “Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person, I say!”

PM

Max very matter-of-factly, over a mouthful of spicy rice, informed us tonight that Mia was crying a lot at school today.

“She says her daddy might have to go away somewhere for a very long time and she’s really sad. 
And
she’s living in a different house and misses her caravan.” (Think he meant Swiss-style playhouse)

So …it looks like Rudeman might be doing time then?

Felt really sad for Mia and, once again, the bubble of pity for Gestapo.

Was relieved to find that the Christian part of me still exists in there somewhere.

Saturday 14
^th
March

Drinks with Jenny & Colin last night didn’t do a great deal to lift our flagging spirits.  They were great company, as usual, but it just seems as though everything’s doom and gloom at the moment.

They confided that Rudeman will be ‘going down’ - rather too many dodgy dealings, apparently, and the last one broke the broker’s back, so to speak.

Also, the school fees are definitely going up by at least 10% in September - that could be the straw that breaks what we laughingly call our bank balance.

Jenny saw us blanch at the fee increase and tactfully suggested CCL.  “I’m not for one minute saying that you won’t get yourselves out of this hole but it could help tide you over, couldn’t it?”

Ned looked at what I hoped was my best ‘non-committal’ face and re-filled my glass saying, “No Jen.  There are others who are far more deserving.  We’ll sort ourselves out and come back with a vengeance.  Won’t we Lib?”

God I love my husband.  Protecting my dignity, even in adversity.

Had mind blowing sex with the lights off and no frilly knickers - who needs props when you’re in love?

Sunday 15
^th
March

Mum came for lunch today and I think our ‘Bert suspicions’ may be confirmed.

After a couple of glasses of wine we’d counted at least fourteen references.

“Oh yes, Bert’s a wonderful gardener.  Totally transformed my front bush, he has.”

Thought Ned was about to choke on his prawns.

“Bert’s such a gentleman.  He always takes me up the back passage when he sees me home.”

Mother!

And finally, when I thought Ned was about to have a cardiac arrest from achingly concealed laughter, “Of course, Bert loves my milky coffee.  He says it’s far nicer than any of these fancy franchises because I give it such a frothy head.”

Kicked Ned sharply under the table and excused myself under the pretext of needing to stir the gravy.

No amount of questioning would get her to admit they’re an item.  Perhaps they’re not and they just enjoy one another’s company.  Am really happy for her, whatever the case, and think she may actually have softened a bit.  She even said how pretty I was looking and how sorry she was that Ned hadn’t found work yet - is this the mum that I know and (still) love?

Over pudding she went on, “Of course if I hadn’t had that disagreement with your godmother, she’d have been the first one to help you out - she’d have done anything for you.  It’s a shame but she was such a sensitive little thing - always misconstruing my turn of phrase.  Can’t think why, the silly moo!  Last I heard she was living the high life in Europe somewhere.”

I only have very vague recollections of my Auntie Maisie - always great fun to be with and able to ‘magic’ anything I ever asked for - from a stuffed pony to the best ever Easter bonnet. I actually believed she was my
fairy
Godmother but one day she just seemed to be spirited away and Mum said we wouldn’t be seeing her again - I was too young to form questions and too sad to voice them anyway.

Mum carried on, “Obviously, I’d help with your situation if I could but the pittance your father left me really can’t run to that.  Can’t Ned’s mum put her hand in her purse for a change?”

‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ definitely doesn’t grace my mother’s book shelf!

Ned just let it run like water off a duck’s back and asked, “So … is your front bush nicely trimmed now, Shelia?  Doesn’t do to let these things go does it?”

Monday 16
^th
March

Mrs S waved us off to school this morning, sporting a brand new curly perm - courtesy of Mrs Skunk.  Not so sure it suits the sari as well as her neat little chignon used to but she seems delighted with it.  As she did with her five pound bingo win where she said she met so many lovely people she doesn’t know why she didn’t start going sooner.  “Now I look back, my Mahesh made me into such a typical Indian housewife, I missed out on so much and I am only getting the chance to enjoy my life now.  Never become a slave to a man, Libbybeta.”

Told her that my relationship with Ned isn’t like that and she harrumphed quite loudly, causing her new curls to wobble on her little head.

The Gnome stopped me at school this morning and asked if I’d like to make a donation to the collection for Araminta at “her very difficult time.”  Noticed a few fifty pound notes and several twenties so, even if I did decide to play the Samaritan, didn’t think a handful of coppers would go down too well.

Thankfully I had the excuse of not having my bag on me and scurried back to the car mumbling some sort of crap like “I’ll catch up with you at another time.”

Met Fenella at her car and asked her if she’d been approached yet.

“Approached?  She practically pounced on me as I left the classroom.  So I very politely reminded her of their own thoughts about ‘certain types’ and ‘those who can’t afford, don’t get.’ And then told her to naff off!”

Tuesday 17
^th
March  AM

Feng Shui implementation not working as quickly as hoped, so added a few more blue and green items to the corner.  Ned says it’s beginning to look a bit like Steptoe’s Yard but he doesn’t understand, dismissing it as a load of mumbo jumbo.  He’ll eat his words when the money starts rolling in.  That’s if I can ever train him to start putting the bloody loo lid down - our finances will never be sorted until he starts to obey the rules.

Even Max is remembering to close the lid every time saying, “Got to keep those pennies in, haven’t we Mummy?”

Must remember to do the lottery this weekend to test if I’ve changed our luck or maybe I could try bingo with Mrs S and Mrs Skunk?  Best not though in case word gets out at the school.

A mum in Max’s class, Fiona, has volunteered to hold a Seedlings drinks party this Saturday.  Rumour has it she only wants to show off her newly refurbished house.  Can’t say the idea is exactly thrilling me but I guess we have to be sociable and, as Ned pointed out, it’s free and a chance to net-work for jobs.

Just hope they don’t charge us an admission fee under the guise of fundraising.

PM

Mum called to say she’s going away for the Easter weekend with Bert.

“Separate rooms, of course.  I’m too old for any shenanigans.  Didn’t actually think that much of it when I was young enough to enjoy it, to be honest!”

Do I
really
want to be hearing this?

“Anyway, thought I’d better let you know I won’t be around for any babysitting duties, but I’m sure Ned’s mum can put herself out for once.”

Told her I didn’t think we’d be doing much over Easter anyway but was she still OK for Saturday?

“Oh yes dear.  Bert and I are looking forward to it.  Thought we might order a take-away and make a bit of a night of it.  Bert’s going to rent a nice romantic comedy for us to watch.”

Glad to hear she’s not into ‘shenanigans’ - don’t think my stomach could take coming home to her canoodling on the sofa.