Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (49 page)

Too nervous to consider anything other than a coffee and then broke my golden rule and had a ciggie before nine o’clock.

Fenella called to wish us luck and invited us over tonight - got the distinct feeling that her unspoken words were “to either celebrate or commiserate.”

Just hope the Cosmos is feeling particularly tuned in to me today.

PM

Not the news we were hoping to hear.

‘H&B’ were lovely.  Very sympathetic and understanding but,

“As much as we would hate to lose such a bright and charming boy as little Max, CCL is at full capacity right now and is, sadly, unable to support another child.  Of course, should the situation change, we would be only too delighted to offer assistance through your financial difficulties.  So sorry the news couldn’t have been better.”

That’s it then.  If something doesn’t turn up soon, we’ll have to withdraw him from the private sector and send him to the under-performing local junior.

Ned suggested it might be wise to get his name down for a place now so that we know we’re OK for September if necessary.

Refuse to even consider that as an option and told Ned as much in a very stroppy fashion.

Cancelled F&J as too cranky to inflict myself on anyone.

Drank a bottle of cheap wine that tasted like battery acid, smoked too many fags and went to bed a very miserable woman.

Bloody Cosmos!

DELIVERY

(WITH PAIN RELIEF)

Monday 11
^th
May

Just realised how funny it is that my teenage diaries were filled with endless scribbles during times of angst and drama but as an adult I find it virtually impossible to put pen to paper when I’m feeling so down.

Yep, the last nine days were pretty low ones.  I know Ned’s feeling it just as much, if not more, and it’s so hard having nothing to console each other with.

Poor Bazzer also met his maker last week and Mrs S is in a very bad way.  She held a little ceremony in her garden - attended by us, Pritesh and the Skunk family.  Sure I could hear Bazzer having a little budgie chuckle at the assembled motley crew.  The ‘wake’ was, of course, Babycham and Manilow but the solemnity with which Skunk and Mrs S sang a tribute of “This One’s for You” was genuinely touching.

Was slightly cheered by the gossip on the gates surrounding the Gnome’s disastrous treasure hunt.  It would seem she managed to lose three kids and another was bitten by a stray dog.  The park police got involved in the search and an ambulance was called in to deal with the bite.

Fenella said she’d heard from another mother that they’d all been given a serious dressing down by the police and told that they’d acted extremely irresponsibly.

Gnome seemed to have lost a little of her cockiness and was a tad subdued at pick up this afternoon.  Her ‘fantastically easy party’ had blown up in her face and she was the current talk of the town for all the wrong reasons.

Fenella and I just wallowed in the smugness of being the only parents who’d spotted the bleedin’ obvious.

Tuesday 12
^th
May

Ned still hasn’t had any more interviews.  Everything seems to be at a standstill in the City.  Those that are lucky enough to still have jobs are hanging on to them for dear life and coming to terms with the fact that there won’t be any hefty bonuses around the corner.

I imagine that a huge percentage of Manor Housers come from ‘old money’ so it won’t affect them - guess Fenella’s part of that camp too as nothing seems to curb
her
spending.  Have noticed she’s keeping very quiet about it so I guess she’s trying to spare my feelings but I’ve noticed her new gear and several pairs of very expensive looking shoes - after all, I
am
a woman and I’ve been trained to spot these things from the cradle.

Josh tactfully had a quiet word to Ned, over a pie and a pint last week, and said they’d like to help in any way they can.  Fenella had wanted to talk to me about it but Josh thought it would be better man to man.  I’m told that much back slapping and hand shaking ensued but Ned had, of course, politely declined the offer.

What lovely friends we have - no amount of money in the world could buy the likes of Nic & Rick, Lou & Cam or Fenella & Josh.

And for that I truly
do
thank the Cosmos.

Wednesday 13
^th
May  AM

Max announced through a mouthful of Shreddies at breakfast that we’ll have had Dog for a year on Saturday.

“We really should have a party for him, shouldn’t we Mummy?”

Agreed that we’d do something very simple but could feel Ned cringing at the prospect of any expenditure.

Bumped into Fenella at the gates and asked her if they were free to come for ‘nothing special’ on Saturday to celebrate Dog’s arrival.

“Oh, Sweedie we’d love to.  I’m sure we’ve got a crate of Möet that’s close to its sell-by date and a freezer full of delish nibbles that Mummy brought the last time she was up - got enough to feed an army.”

Past its sell-by date!  Champagne? 
Yeah, nice try, Fenella.

PM

Max very busy making decorations and pictures for ‘Dog’s Do’.  We’ve also asked Rick and Nic who said they’d bring bucket loads of vino, some horrendously calorific puds and, of course, Stripe in his bandana.

Told Ned we wouldn’t be spending anything at this rate and he laughed, “That’s because our friends are all trying to help by stealth.  They’re not allowed to give us money so they donate booze and food, the things they know we like best
after
money!”

Quite looking forward to a bit of a get together.  Far too much despondency going on around here for my liking.

Went to bed feeling remarkably positive.

Thursday 14
^th
May  AM

Ye Gods and little fishes, as my Auntie Maisie was famous for saying!

Hinge or Bracket or Ant or Dec (even harder to tell because I was so excited) called to say that one of the current CCL kids is emigrating and there’s a
possibility
that, subject to the other Trustees’ consent, we may receive funding in September if necessary.

Spent a great deal of time bopping around the kitchen like a stupid thing.  Max might not have to leave after all.

Thank you, Cosmos, Feng Shui, angels, Raphael or Running River - whoever was responsible, thank you!

PM

After a couple of (hopefully not too premature) glasses of celebratory wine, it dawned on me that we’d become one of the ‘unclean charity cases’.

Consoled myself with the fact that I’ve never actually felt like I belonged anyway, so might as well go the whole hog.

Max will thank us for this one day.  When he’s a hot-shot lawyer or sought after brain surgeon.

Or even when he’s a uni drop-out working in McDonald’s.  I just know he’ll thank us.

Friday 15
^th
May  AM

Fry-Up Party

Put our final touches together for the ‘Fry Up’ party tonight and then set off to stock up on the food.  Think Jamie Oliver would have a cardiac arrest at the cholesterol content - but we’re just doing as instructed.

Ned more than happy to settle in for another night’s babysitting -this time with Josh, who’s decided to order us all a take-away (some fancy Taiwanese place he wants to try) when Fenella and I get back. Don’t imagine the kids will get a look in on the Playstation but at least they’ll have company while the daddies play nicely together.

PM

That’s one party that will stick with me for a very long time!

Twelve little boys and girls dressed up to the nines in their overly adult finery, sitting at a massive dining table which, in compliance with ‘Naughty Mummy’s’ specifications, looked like it had been set for a Heads of State dinner.

‘Naughty Mummy’ had also insisted we play classical music as they dined, although it was quite clear that neither Ella-Louise nor any of her guests actually wanted to listen to it.

But dine they did!  I’d never have imagined they could get through so much tucker in such a short space of time.  Fenella and I were tossing eggs and sizzling rashers like entrants for the Guinness World Records - it was almost impossible to keep up with them.  I can only imagine they were filling up on the contraband grub so vehemently denied them by their mummies.

At one point, Fenella asked them if they’d like to change the music to something “a little more fitting for your age group.”

When she was met with blank but polite stares she added, “Surely, you’ve got something better than this crap?!”

Ella-Louise immediately ran to her illicit CD collection upstairs and suddenly the austere and stuffy dining room was pulsating to the rhythm of Black Eyed Peas and an obscure band I’d never heard of.

It was just fantastic to see that little bunch of eleven year olds start to enjoy themselves and actually be allowed to act their age.

Once they’d had their fill of pig, dairy, carbs, fat, sugar and every additive known to man, Ella-Louise asked if it would be OK for them to continue their ‘rave’ in the garden.

With the help of an extension cable we set up a portable CD player and let them run amok - thankfully no neighbours to report us as the property is so huge.

Wish I’d had a camera to capture the images.  Ball gowns were flying and knickers on show as the girls bounced on a trampoline - all ideas of being a ‘proper lady’ forgotten. Boys with rolled up trousers and bow-ties askew, kicking a football around and behaving like … well, boys!

Fenella put her arm around me as we supervised the group, glass of wine in hand.  “This is what it’s all about isn’t it, Lib?  Being allowed to be a kid.”

Felt a bit like a kid myself as the children were collected by their parents and their comments ranged from, “Wicked party” to “You’re cool mums!”

Could ‘Fry Up’ parties be the fad of the future?

Saturday 16
^th
May  AM

Feeling slightly worse for wear after celebrating our ‘coolness’ with a very exotic take-away.

Ned and Josh kept making jokes like, “Yeah, you’re really kickin,’” and, “We got ourselves a couple of fine ‘ho’s!”