Dick Longg: Sexual Saviour of the Universe (3 page)

‘Whoa! Hold on lady. I don’t know lots of things but one thing I do know is that time travel is impossible. It belongs in books and in movies!’

‘Believe me, Mr. Longg. It’s true. Time travel
was
invented’,
Alice
said in a very matter-of-fact-everyone-knows-that sort of way.

‘Sure. And you’re saying it was developed by some uptight old Victorian guys in stuffy suits, top hats, brogues and gold watches on chains?’

‘Precisely. That’s
how
I’m here. And it’s
why
I’m here!’

Dick was unimpressed. Confused as well, but more unimpressed than confused.

‘Look lady, you’d better go before I call security’, he said. ‘Why are you telling me all this? I don’t know who you are or what you want...’

Alice
pulled Dick towards her once more. ‘I want you!’, she replied with more than a hint of desperation in her voice.

‘Yeah, right’, Dick responded. ‘Tell me something I haven’t heard a million times before’.

Alice
continued forcefully. ‘Please hear me out, I implore you. Suspend your disbelief for a while and assume that what I am telling you is absolutely true’.

Dick groaned. It was a groan that implied ‘I'm bored and want to end this conversation and get back to filming’, rather than a groan he might have emitted while being fondled with a sable glove or having low-fat raspberry yoghourt licked off his testicles. However,
Alice
’s sudden appearance, her clothing and the garbage she was spouting intrigued him and Dick decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Well, for a short time anyway.

 
‘You’ve got one minute’, he told her firmly, ‘and not a second more’. Dick looked down at the Rolex Submariner on his wrist before realising he wasn’t wearing it. He sighed.

Seated on the couch, maintaining a safe distance from Dick,
Alice
continued with an even greater sense of urgency. ‘My home, the
Great Britain
of 2150, is a totalitarian state. It’s governed by the descendants of this cabal of businessmen, scientists, industrialists and politicians from the 1890s who developed time travel and transported themselves one hundred and fifty years into the future where they established a new society’. Dick went to open his lips but
Alice
interrupted him.

‘I know what you’re about to ask… how did a few influential men change society so radically and so quickly?’.

In truth, that wasn’t what Dick wasn’t going to ask. That question would have been too insightful for him, but it gave
Alice
the chance to explain what had happened in the future - and a way for this author to sneak in some exposition without it appearing too contrived. In any case, the reasons
how
and
why
certain Victorian gentlemen time-travelled to the year 2046 is not that important. It’s a MacGuffin. You know, a plot device like the actual Maltese Falcon in the film of the same name or the stolen money in Psycho.
What
these Victorian gentlemen did, however, is key to this story and far, far more important. Anyway, for the sake of both Dick and those readers who want some background information,
Alice
explained what had happened.

‘The facts are imprecise’, she said. ‘Much of the history of that time is unclear and that which does exist, has almost certainly been re-written. However, what we
can
deduce is that soon after this group of men travelled to the future, they infiltrated the top echelons of British society, eventually forming a new political party while keeping their identities and origins a complete secret’.
 
 
 
 
 

Dick frowned the sort of frown a kitten makes as it paws at a mouse on a television screen. Noting his reaction,
Alice
decided to keep the explanation simple.

‘By 2050, society was in decline and family life was being eroded. Crime was rising, particularly among the young, and there was a general lack of respect and discipline. Political parties were indistinguishable. Polices were weak and bland. Their leaders were anonymous, spineless and lacklustre. The public wanted change and they embraced the so-called ‘New Victorians’ and their manifesto of good family values, law and order, a strong work ethic and a willingness to help the less fortunate. They had a charismatic leader who achieved almost celebrity status. What started as a popular movement for reform soon developed into a full grown political party that swept into power - and which has been the ruling the country in various forms for the last hundred years or so’.

Dick was half listening to
Alice
and half counting to himself, trying to work out if a minute had passed. He thought it had.
 
 

‘There’s virtually no opposition to their policies and the Party, as they’re known, run
Great Britain
as a sort of benevolent dictatorship. Their current leader is a mysterious man who is rarely seen in public’.
Alice
halted her explanation and stared at Dick. By the way he was mouthing numbers it was obvious he wasn’t paying full attention.
Alice
gave him the slap round the face she had recently resisted and which she felt he now deserved.

‘Listen to what I’m saying’, she pleaded. ‘I live in this world. A world shaped by Victorian ethics and morals!’.

By now Dick had given up trying to count in his head and was considering what
Alice
had said.

‘Is that so bad?’, he enquired, mainly out of politeness as he still didn’t believe a single word
Alice
was saying.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
‘Well not all of it. As I said, we live by strong values... but there’s also a downside. The Party don’t believe in promiscuity or relationships out of wedlock. They claim it contributes to the ruin of society’.

Alice
paused again for dramatic effect. ‘The result is that there is virtually no sex’.

If Dick’s disbelief had been suspended, it just came crashing back down rather heavily. Now
Alice
had his full and undivided attention. A world without sex? It wasn’t worth thinking about. And it definitely wasn’t worth living in.

‘I can’t believe that!’, Dick said, slightly distraught. ‘You’re making it up’.

‘I wish I was’, said
Alice
sadly. ‘Some of us know from surviving fragments of your history how it used to be. In my world the Party have imposed their puritanical attitude towards sex on everyone and since the current leader came to power about three years ago it’s become far worse. Now, most sexual feeling is repressed and that which does take place is only permitted amongst married couples on a weekly basis. Monthly bromide injections to suppress desire are mandatory. Impure thoughts are not allowed to become impure deeds’.

‘Man, I’m glad I’m not living there!’, Dick said anxiously.

‘But you will be’, added Alice nonchalantly, removing from her bag some sort of electronic bracelet with green pulsating lights similar to one she was wearing. ‘You see, I’ve come here to take you back. Or rather, forward. I’m part of a resistance movement which has been trying to overthrow the Party and we need your help’.

‘Me?’, asked Dick incredulously. ‘Why me? I’m a top porn star. I’m a lover not a fighter!’

‘You have been chosen, that’s all I know. Someone very influential in my time has said that you are ‘The One’’.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

‘I’m very flattered, lady but I’m not going anywhere with you’. Dick was not only adamant, he was also angry. ‘Do I think you’re from the future? No way! And even if I did, do I want to live in a future without sex. Never! Do I want to help bring down your government? Of course not! Why would I want to give up everything I’ve got here? Everything I’ve worked for! I’m going back on set and suggest you go back to wherever you came from, whether it’s the future, or more probably, the asylum!’

‘But Mr. Longg!’,
Alice
implored, ‘We don’t have much time! As soon as I arrived here the Party would have detected a disturbance in the time vortex wormhole continuum and would have sent agents to hunt me down!’

For a split second Dick considered asking about the time vortex wormhole continuum, but then thought better of it and instead started to leave. As he headed towards the door he turned back. ‘It was good meeting you. Have a nice day’.

Alice
lunged and grabbed his arm forcefully. ‘Stop! Let me tell you a bit more about my world. Just hear me out, I beg you. Please! Then you’ll see how desperate I am’.

Desperate wasn’t a word Dick associated with her. Insane, yes, as in ‘one hooker short of an orgy’, but desperate, no.

‘All right’, he said, humouring her and shaking loose her hand, which was now beginning to hurt. ‘You’ve got one more minute’. Dick looked down again at his watch that wasn’t there, and sighed.
 

Alice
reached into her bag once more and handed Dick what looked like a bulky pair of ornate opera glasses attached to something that resembled an old leather-flying helmet.

‘Mr. Longg,’ said
Alice
with a hint of panic in her voice. ‘Please put these on so you can see the world I live in. Time is of the essence’.

Dick examined the eyeglasses and asked sarcastically, ‘What are these? Seven by thirty-fives? Eight by forties? They don’t look powerful enough to see across the Valley, let alone into the future’.

‘Mr. Longg, this is a virtual reality device which will enable you to have a glimpse into my life and my world. You can control where you go and what you see’.

‘I’ve done this before’, Dick said brusquely. ‘You’re not talking to an amateur!’

He carefully put the headset on and adjusted the eyepieces until they were comfortable. An image momentarily flickered in and out of focus before stabilising; an image of what Dick assumed was meant to be a city street in
Alice
’s time. Dick thought it looked pretty much how you’d imagine the year 2150 to look. Sleek glass and steel high-rise buildings, an elevated modern subway and wide streets full of streamlined cars that hovered just above the ground. As Dick moved his head, his point of view also changed. By leaning forward slightly he walked forward in his virtual reality world. When he leaned back slightly, he stopped.

‘Cool!’, Dick commented. He’d seen this sort of set-up before in a virtual sex game where the participant could take part in a whole variety of different, and very realistic, scenarios. Two years ago a well-known Japanese computer games manufacturer had asked Dick to endorse their new product and invited him to view a demonstration. In front of a roomful of their senior management and the proud company CEO, Dick tried one of the prototypes. After examining the electronic menu he selected a programme where he would be enjoying virtual sex with a silicon-enhanced brunette spread-eagled on a revolving circular bed. To Dick’s immense surprise he found himself on the bed but sodomising a stocky blond man with a hairy back and bushy moustache. The games company execs blamed a ‘bug’ and were very, very apologetic (although Dick was certain he caught some of them smirking and was sure one of them left the room to laugh). Despite the experience just being virtual, Dick felt extremely queasy afterwards and needed a series of cold showers followed by whole body exfoliation before he felt well enough to enter into any more discussions with the manufacturers. When contact did eventually resume it was just one-way; Dick telling them to fuck off.