Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (36 page)

Dozens of references in classical literature verify that the early erotic linkage of pain and pleasure is an age-old phenomenon. In his 18th Century
Confessions
, philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau goes on at length about his early experience of being whipped and punished and his subsequent cravings for reenactments. These experiences marked him permanently.

Although many of our interviewees said that they recall making a connection between pain and pleasure at an early age, most did not recall any specific event (such as a trauma) that revealed this aspect of their sexuality to them. A majority, instead, recall experimenting with painful stimulus in the
regular course of exploring their bodies—and discovering that they were aroused by the pain.

Experiences in later life may also influence an individual’s interest in erotic pain.

Once the desire to give or receive pain is identified in adulthood—and if a willing partner is available—it is very common for both dominant and submissive practitioners consciously to pursue their desires.

Mental receptiveness to unusual erotic stimulus is a key to its enjoyment. Consensual physical restraint, for example, induces a feeling of vulnerability and helplessness. To a bondage enthusiast, restraint is intrinsically erotic, largely because bondage enables him or her to abandon inhibitions.

Pain may be emotionally gratifying because of its association with punishment. For example, a whipping may be a form of penitence which exorcises an individual’s sexual guilt. Just as vulnerability is liberating, penance delivers the penitent from shame or responsibility.

Of course, far more Americans experience sexual guilt than crave to be
punished painfully for it. That many D&Sers perceive corporal punishment as a means of obtaining permission to experience their sexuality, however, is apparent from the results of our interviews.

It may add to the arousal of those who enjoy giving pain to realize that their partners reach new levels of ecstasy as a direct result of their ministrations. In this respect, giving pain is not unlike purely psychological domination: Controlling the partner’s sexual response is psychosexually thrilling. Many whom we interviewed spoke of the satisfaction that they feel in knowing that they are able to give something to their partners which others cannot or will not give them. Most believe that intense stimulation—be it pain, enforced helplessness, or humiliation—can elicit a degree of sexual intensity rare in vanilla relationships.

Also, a growing number of people seem to conceive of pain as an alternate route to spirituality. They may refer to S/M as “Sexual Magic.” A neopagan subset of avant-garde sexuality communities, Sexual Magic holds that transcending the body’s ordinary pain limits is a path to religious enlightenment.

I
NTERVIEWS

My background is Roman Catholic; intellectual lower middle class [on] my mother’s side, and blue-collar lower middle class on my father’s. I usually call myself bi-kinky, but I don’t like to go to bed in a vanilla way with people of the same sex, so I am heterosexual in that [respect]. It also depends on what you call sex. I don’t call S&M sex; I call S&M erotic play. I will play with men or women of any sexual orientation—gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual cross-dressers, transsexuals. [It] doesn’t matter to me in terms of the S&M play.

Besides making a living at S&M, I get sexually turned on by it. I feel alive. I look at the whole thing as a dance. There is a lengthy courting dance of light S&M and progressive buildup. The whole beginning is for them. The courting continues until the person is ready. [And then] I enjoy taking people to their limits and a bit past [them]. That might mean giving two more or three more blows with the cane, or turning up the electricity just a little bit more, or keeping them in bondage and having them beg just a little more. Those five minutes are for me; that is my payback and my enjoyment for all the energy and work I invest.

Strangely enough, very few people want safe words. They just think they have to have them. I will give them a slow-down safe word. If they use that, I will honor it and slow down, but I won’t stop the scene completely: I might go back to it. If they are into very stringent activity, I will give them a stop safe word. I pride myself that no has ever had to use a stop word with me. Also, for my own certainty, if a session involves a gag or heavy bondage, I will give them a safe gesture or a safe sound.

During the warm-up I [develop] feelings of closeness with the people I’m working on, an understanding of them. I [appreciate] the aesthetics of what I’m doing that’s specifically pleasing to them. And there’s a spirit of play. When I get to my own personal enjoyment—true sadism—I get turned on. I get aroused by that moment where I’m pushing limits.

There are a few fantasies that turn me on, not many. They all have an element of being pushed: If you are a captive or prisoner, you get pushed. You’re not a slave. I also like embarrassing fantasies because of my strange sense of humor. Embarrassing fantasy [expresses] my intellect, my humor. I like to make people do things that they wouldn’t [ordinarily do]. I like to embarrass someone, because I can play with that embarrassment psychologically.
It’s a mental game. My own sense of sarcasm can come out and play. I find that 99 percent of the people I see are turned on by challenging some taboo.

A part of my psychological satisfaction is [having] fun. I like to be mischievous. I like to poke at people: Poke them with physical objects, like sterile needles, and poke at them with humiliation and mind games. Sometimes I like to get somebody into stringent bondage and just laugh [or] make comments, because it’s aesthetically funny. But I’m not a slave trainer. I am not one to train people to stand in the corner or wait on me perfectly. I’ve never been comfortable with that. It is not my forte to train people for service; I train them to become better masochists and to accept more input.

I believe in being myself in the dungeon. Being myself means having a sense of humor. If I do something that is wrong, [if] I tell somebody, “Stand up” and I forget that I tied a knot to their balls and they cannot stand up, I’m not going to cover up. I say, “Oops! I made a mistake. Mistresses are not perfect, haha!” That’s me. This is one of the reasons why I don’t take fantasy slaves. Fantasy slaves tend to think that you’re always dressed in a corset and high-heel shoes and always act a certain way. I tell people that it’s not so. That’s my part in demystifying [S&M]. If somebody calls and says, “I want an appointment at 11:30.” I say, “You can’t, because I’m going swimming at 11:30.” Or “I’ll be riding my bicycle.” And they go, “Shit, she rides a bicycle! Hmmm!”

Part of me wants people to understand that, just like they’re not in the dungeon being a slave 24 hours a day, I’m not in my dungeon. I’m not following my partner around with a whip when he’s making dinner! That’s me. For some people, the full-time lifestyle might be really wonderful; it’s not for me. People who need a standardized image of a sadist won’t get along with me. People who are willing to be themselves will.

Being a professional dominant is a service to the world—and a valuable service. I do not think that one is like royalty, that things are owed to you. I provide a decent service for the people who need it. Sensory deprivation is a service. Nothing in it is for me. It’s all for the client. A lot of people are interested in sensory deprivation, but very few people know how to do it.

I ask people to write back after a heavy session, so I have a lot of [mail] and feedback. [It seems that] people often go into what they call hypnotic trances, altered states. They go inward. I provide a situation [where] they can go inward rather than outward. This experience is the opposite of slave service. I consider myself like a train conductor: I am the driver; the bottom is the train; I discover where the track is, and I have to follow it.

Knowing the physical condition of the people you play with is very important—are there any sports injuries, old injuries, allergies, phobias,
physical limitations? Questions should be asked before one engages in any sort of bondage. I do not expect the bottom to remember everything. A lot of people say, “I don’t have any problems!” They get on their knees, and five minutes later say, “Mistress, may I please speak,” and I say, “Is it about safety?” They say, “Yes.” And I say, “What is it?” “My knee’s killing me; I really can’t stay on my knees.” “So how come you didn’t tell me earlier?”

You should not expect your partner necessarily to be able to give you all of the information right away about his body condition. That condition is [critically] important in determining what kind of bondage will be done; this extends to any sort of play. One should not engage in exotic stuff unless you’ve done your homework [and] research. It’s common sense: I’ve never been to medical school, but I took CPR and talk to a lot of people [about these issues]. Heavy bondage, sensory deprivation, suspension would not be good for people who have only been playing for a little while. It takes a long time to acquire skills to do these things. That’s why I have a problem with certain videos that show a woman hanging off the floor, suspended by only [her] breasts or wrists. I feel very strongly about this, because somebody can go home and create a dangerous situation.

You’re required to gather the right information. There are groups throughout the country that provide good information. I really [stress S&M] community involvement, so that you learn. I always learn from others. I also give workshops on the things I know. Safety is really important. You cannot just make a quick list of precautions: There are so many things to take into consideration.