Different Senses (78 page)

“Are you sure?” the doc asked.
“You were a little unsteady before.”

“
I’m
fine
,” I repeated.
“I’ll shower and come straight back in here.”

“As you wish,” Shardul said,
still not looking directly at me. “Nihar-ji, I would be glad to
help.”

“All right.” The doc gave us
both a puzzled look, and I sensed his confusion at the apparent
sudden hostility. “Take it slow, Javen. If you’re not out in ten
minutes, I’m coming in.”

“Fair enough.”

“There is a clean towel in
there for you,” Shardul said, carefully stepping out of my path so
we couldn’t accidentally touch.

Laying it on
a bit thick, aren’t you, Shardul-ji?
What
had I done to bring this on? Telling him how I felt wasn’t a crime,
surely? And he already knew, or should have.

I should never have agreed to
this mad scheme in the first place. It was hard on Shardul, hard on
me, and had exposed him to possibly fatal danger. The fact that
someone in the security forces had had a hand in that exposure made
it even more inexcusable.

The water washed away a little
of my headache, but not the dull depression and sense of failure,
both professional and personal. We had achieved nothing by making
contact with Dandak and had probably made the security situation
worse. As for the situation between Shardul and me...that was
nothing but a disaster too.

What I wouldn’t have given to
be able to talk to Yashi or Tara right now. Or even Kirin. Though
talking to Kirin about Shardul was a refined form of masochism I
tried to avoid.

The water was now cool, and
since I’d had enough of being cold, I stepped out and dried off.
The mirror revealed an unfamiliar face covered in gruesome bruising
down the left side, though a neat dressing covered the worst
injury. I hoped the doc had something I could use to hide all this,
or I’d be scaring people when I went out in public again.

“I’m out and okay,” I shouted
down the stairs, and heard a faint “Thank you” in response. The
effort of showering had taken more out of me than I liked and the
bed was inviting. It was still warm from my—our—bodies. I couldn’t
smell Shardul, but I couldn’t forget how it had felt to lie next to
him, to kiss him. Damn him for that, giving me a taste of what I
could never have for real.

I forced my mind onto the
problem of how we could get out of here. I had to assume all my
friends and relations were monitored, as was my real account. Same
for Shardul, I guessed. We might just have to risk it. I wanted to
keep under the scanners until I found out how deep the rot
went.

Shardul came in a little while
later with a tray of food. I sat up. “Can you get a message to
Kirin without it obviously coming from you or me?” I kept my tone
entirely business-like.

“I think so. You think we’re
under surveillance?”

“I think our escape will have
upset a few people and until I work out who told Dandak who I am, I
want to exercise maximum caution.”

“We’ll need help.”

“We’ll have it.”

He nodded, setting the tray
down. “The doctor believes he can get us to the maglev station.
There’s a farmer he says you know—Nikhil?”

Jyoti’s cousin’s widower.
“Yeah, I’d trust him. But he won’t recognise me, and I don’t want
him to know who I am. He’s not
udawatha
, by the way. He’s had a
rough time at the hands of your people.”

“Ah. Nihar-ji will try to
persuade him, I suspect. And then we will need a way to get from
the maglev port to Hegal. You want Sri Nel to help?”

“
I want
Kirin
to
help, yes. Cursed insanity, Shardul, you don’t want me. Don’t be
snotty about someone who once did.”

He straightened. “I’m
not...I.... Please, eat up. You need the strength.”

I rolled my eyes and picked up
some of the upma on my fork. I concentrated on eating, determined
not to let him get to me. I thought he’d leave, but I heard the
other bed shift slightly. He must have sat down. His choice.

The food was tasty, filling and
wonderfully warm. I felt closer to human now, though I intended to
follow Doc Nihar’s advice and rest as much as I could.

I jumped a little when Shardul
spoke after long minutes of awkward silence. “Javen, I told you I
have regrets over that night. I said hurtful things to someone I
esteem very highly, and can’t offer any reparation for that hurt.
It’s a sin that weighs on my soul very heavily.”

“Did you mean what you said?” I
said, poking at the upma and not looking at him. “That I’m the
wrong colour? That you don’t want me?”

No reply. I pursed my lips and
pretended to be fascinated by the chai in my mug. I knew I’d said
we needed to talk, but now we were, I didn’t think it was such a
great idea. “Just forget I—”

“
No, I didn’t mean it.
Not all of it. You
are
the wrong colour—”

I sneered. “And you call my
kind racist.”

“
Please, let me finish.
My association with a Kelon and
guko
as a friend has caused many
of my people significant unease. Were that relationship
to...intensify...I would have to consider that. I haven’t yet had
the courage to do so. I am a coward. I told you.”

“You want it to intensify?”

He stared at me. “You know the
answer to that.”

“I don’t. I can’t read you. Why
can’t I read you?”

He shifted and for the first
time, actually looked guilty instead of just miserable. “Having an
empath as a close relative is a mixed blessing, as you can imagine.
When I was younger, and being gifted academically, a lot of hopes
were vested in me—still are. I was under extreme pressure to be the
perfect child, the perfect son, the perfect student.”

“Same for me and Yashi, but we
could share the burden.”

“I couldn’t. My sisters are
also bright, but much younger. In my early teens, my mother had
health problems and needed assistance looking after us, so I went
to stay with my aunt Roshni for nearly a year while my mother
recovered. But even though Roshni-ji was, and is, very kind and
wise, I felt under constant surveillance, an intolerable strain in
addition to the expectations upon me. It led to...a regrettable
period of rebellion.”

“Yeah? I can’t really see you
as a rebel.”

He smiled briefly. “You’d be
surprised. Fortunately, she realised what was behind it, and began
to teach me some meditative techniques and mental control which
would allow me to hide, as it were, from someone with her talent. I
became quite adept, but as I grew older and more confident, I found
her ability less troublesome, and now I rarely bother to hide from
her.”

“But I’m different.”

“Yes. As I realised your
feelings...when I understood the danger I was in...I revived my
earlier skill.”

“
You’re
hiding
from me?”

“As I said, I’m a coward. But
not so much of a coward that I would reject you as Sri Nel did,
just to avoid dealing with your empathy.”

“Not everyone has a helpful
aunt who can teach them how to trick us, Shardul. I wish you’d
knock it off. It feels weird.”

He shook his head. “Trust me,
it would be far worse to be overwhelmed by all I feel towards you.
The emotions are not always positive.”

“No kidding. First time I met
you, you gave me a migraine because you hated me so much. And you
knew what you were doing.”

He bowed a little. “I confess I
did. It was low of me.”

“It was really shitty.”

“
Yes, it was. Javen,
I’m
not
indifferent to you. Far from it. You know this,
surely.”

“Say it out loud, Shardul.”

He actually rocked a little
back and forth with stress. “I can’t. Not yet. Maybe never. But I
don’t hate you, or despise you, and your race doesn’t affect my
feelings, only my actions. Can that be enough until we are out of
this situation?”

“
Are you going to kiss me
again and push me away? Because you’re killing me. It’s too much,
on top of everything else right now.” Despite my determination to
stay calm, I felt tears pushing at my eyelids. I rubbed my face as
if I was tired—which I
was
—and discreetly wiped my eyes
at the same time.

I didn’t fool him. “I know,” he
said quietly. “That’s why I said I was sorry. I don’t want to hurt
you. I just....”

“Get tired of being strong and
selfless?”

“Yes.”

“Me too. When we get past all
this, how about we book a week off so we can be weak and selfish
and sort this out?”

His unguarded pleasure, more
than his beautiful smile, made his answer sweet as honey. “I’ll
find the time if you find the place.”

“Deal. So can we stop skulking
around each other now?”

“Yes, please do let’s stop. How
do you feel?”

“Better. Great food.”

“He’s a good cook. I suppose
he’s had to learn.”

My appetite wasn’t up to Doc
Nihar’s generosity. Shardul pinched the rest of the upma while I
sipped the chai and wondered if I could ask for something to deal
with the lingering headache. Maybe more rest would be better.

I set the mug down on the tray.
“Think I’ll try and catch some more kip. Is Nikhil coming over or
what?”

“Later, if Nihar-ji can
persuade him. I’ll make contact with my people discreetly. Do you
want Kirin to call here?”

“Sanity, no. It’ll all have to
be indirect. And don’t mention my name to anyone, even him, okay?
It’ll send a red flag up however we’re being watched.”

“Understood. I thought I would
try to sketch Dandak. Perhaps Nihar-ji well recognise him.”

“Worth a try. I doubt he was
using his real name. It’s going to be a boring day for you.”

“Nihar-ji has an excellent
library, and says I can use his account to research.” He lifted the
tray. “Will you be all right if I’m downstairs?”

I waved him away. “I’m fine.
Just have a bastard of a headache but that’s normal. I’ll call if I
need anything.”

“Fine.” But then he set the
tray down, leaned in, and gently kissed my forehead, before leaning
his against mine. “I missed you,” he murmured.

I cupped his cheek, and stroked
it with my thumb. “Me too. Can we not do that shit again?”

“I will do my best to avoid it.
Rest, Javen.” He kissed me again, and took the tray away.

Even the headache couldn’t kill
my good mood after that.

Chapter 10

They let me sleep the day
away, apart from the doctor bringing up the portable scan unit to
confirm what he already thought, which was that I didn’t have a
more serious brain injury. He redressed the cheek injury and warned
me again to make sure I had someone look at it in Hegal. It was the
least of my concerns though, because we had to get
back
to
Hegal before I could seek any medical advice there.

Shardul popped in and out a few
times, bringing chai, and checking on me. Nice to have someone who
would, especially when it was him. I gathered he and the doc had
hit it off, and Shardul had been mining the doc’s memory to
discover who our abductors were. No luck, unfortunately.

Nikhil had agreed to take
us by boat to his cousin’s house outside the flood zone, and his
cousin would drive us to the maglev port. Apparently Doc Nihar’s
word was good enough for Nikhil, and he hadn’t asked too many
questions about why and who. The doc had come up with a simple way
of hiding my injuries and my appearance—he planned to cover me with
bandages and put my arm in a fake sling for added authenticity.
Shardul would have to rely on a three-day-growth of stubble and
covering his hair. If someone was actively looking for us, it
wouldn’t fool them, but it might deter attention from us as a
distinctive couple, at least.

One of the few discussions I’d
been involved in was exactly when we should leave. Nightfall would
give us cover, but look suspicious, while daytime would be more
normal but expose us to more curiosity. In the end, we decided on
the morning. Doc Nihar had only told Nikhil we were two travellers
who’d been caught out by the heavy rain, and needed help going
south. Shardul had made contact circuitously with Kirin, who would
pick us up at the other end of the maglev line. Kirin had
transferred funds in the same roundabout fashion for the doc to
give us a prepaid, anonymous paycard which we could use to buy
tickets without being traced. Then, I figured, we’d be safe. A lot
would depend on whether Kirin would help us further, and if my team
agreed to get involved. I wasn’t sure I wanted to ask them but
without their help, I couldn’t do much but scuttle back to my
parents. It would leave Shardul exposed and the traitor untrapped,
and that was not acceptable.

The headache and dizziness
persisted, but I could manage with the help of painkillers pretty
well, now I’d had plenty of rest and enough to eat and drink. The
two of them insisted on me staying upstairs and in bed, and I
didn’t feel like arguing. When Shardul came up to go to bed, he
didn’t even ask where I wanted him to sleep. He slid in beside me
and put his arms around me. “Just friends, huh,” I whispered.

“I can’t have you relapse into
hypothermia, can I?” He spoiled the deadpan delivery with a little
chuckle at the end.

“Certainly not. Thank you.”

He merely tightened his arms
around me. Did I dare let myself get used to this? Maybe I had to
learn to take what I could get, while I could, and stop worrying
about the future.

Yeah,
right.
Not in my nature. But he felt so
good next to me.