Dirty (20 page)

“Don’t get me wrong, I wanted
a
normal life just like everyone else so I dated casually, but that urge to self-destruct would rear its head and I’d find myself in a place with a guy who
se
name I didn’t bother to get. It was sickening. I knew then that I could never have a quote unquote normal life. And then
,
I met you. You were a breath a fresh air. I think I fell a little bit in love with you before I met you. Noelle would regale me we stories about you. I thought, that’s the kind of guy I could see myself with if I weren’t so damaged.”

Simone could feel Paul stiffen before releasing her. He turned her to face him. “What?”

Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks. “Paul, I had feelings for you from the time we met. I couldn’t explain it but I was drawn to you.”

“But I overheard you tell Simone that I was too nice and that I was soft. You have no idea how emasculated I felt when I heard you say that.”

She gasped. Simone remembered that conversation. She could have sworn she’d heard someone approaching but when no one did, she figured she’d imagined it.
She felt ashamed to know Paul had heard those things she’d said about him
because she didn’t mean them in the way he thought. “I admit saying you were soft wasn’t exactly the right word for me to use. I only told Noelle that
so
she wouldn’t think I was interested in you so she could stop trying to play matchmaker. But you are nice and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Paul, you’re the kind of guy who would go above and beyond for the people he cares about as I’ve seen with Noelle and Alyssa. You have a good heart and that’s what I fell for, not to mention I’m
wildly
attracted to you. This makeover of yours is sexy as hell, but I liked you before just the way you were.”

He furrowed his brows. “Then why the hell did you keep turning me down when I asked you out before
?
”

“Like I said, I’m damaged goods. You deserve better. Look, the only reason why I’m telling you all this is to explain why we can’t be together.
The
only reason I agreed to have an affair with you was because at the
time
I could pretend that I could mean more to you than just a convenient sex partner. Besides, when I was with you, I never felt with anyone what I felt with you. All those faceless men, I never really enjoyed it. It was just an
un
healthy means of releasing some of my pain. But with you
,
it actually felt real.”

“Shit.” He
raked
his hands through his hair and began to
pace.

“I understand if you’re disgusted with me and like I said before, you don’t have to worry about catching anything from me. You’re the only one I’ve ever had sex without protection with. “

He halted before closing the distance between the two of them. “Do you think I’m that goddamn shallow to care about something like that? I’m mad at myself for the way I treated you. I’m thinking about how I left you lying on the floor at your house because of my hurt pride. When I think of that, I could just kick my own ass.”

“Paul, that situation wasn’t ideal but at that point I would have taken anything just to be close to you. And you gave me so much pleasure.”

“Don’t make excuses for
me
. I fucked up.”

“Paul, it’s okay. I’m not angry with you, so please, forgive yourself.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“I feel that way about myself at times as well. Sometimes
,
I can’t look at myself in the mirror.”

“Simone
,
I’m so sorry.”

She cupped his check. “I accept your apology.”

When Simone would have pulled her hand away, Paul caught it and placed it against his chest.

“Simone, I
fell
in love with you the second I laid eyes on you. I knew you were mine the moment our hands accidently brushed against each other. There a spark and I think you felt it
,
too. I
was
devastated by your rejection so I dated other woman, but none of them compared to you. I still want
you
and love you and if you have feelings for me, then there’s no reason why we shouldn’t be together.”

For a moment she wanted to say yes and damn the consequences, but she wouldn’t damn anyone to a lifetime with someone with her hang-ups. She shook her head. “It’s just not possible. Paul, you deserve to be with a woman who doesn’t wake up screaming at night because she’s afraid of monsters, or someone who doesn’t constantly doubt their self-
worth
. I know most of the time I seem like I have everything together but on the inside, I’m a big blubbering mess. You need to be with someone you can settle down and have children with.”

“Simone you told me everything except that you didn’t love me.”

She bit her inner lip. “Paul, one of the times
Melvin
raped me, I got pregnant.”

His eyes widened. “What? How old were you?”

“I was eleven. She took me to this run down building where this old woman lived. It turned out the woman performed illegal abortions. All I remember from the experience was a lot of pain and the old woman gagging me as she basically mutilated my insides to get rid of the baby inside of me. I think there was a lot of blood loss. My mother drove me miles outside of town to a free clinic where no one would ask too many questions. I was given a blood transfusion and some antibiotics. We never spoke about it. Sometime around college, I started having really bad cramping and my
gynecologist
suggested I get a thorough exam. That’s when I received bad news. Between that old bat with her rusty tools and my mother’s neglect, I’m too badly scar
r
ed on the inside for the possibility of conception.”

“Simone, I’m sorry you had to experience that. I truly am, but you still haven’t told me why we can’t be together.”

Wasn’t he paying attention? “Didn’t you hear me? I can’t have children.”

“So what. I don’t want to be with you for your reproductive ability. Sure children will be nice but between my sister and Noelle
,
we’ll have plenty of little ones around and the best part is, we’d get to give them back. Hell, to be perfectly honest, considering my own fucked up background, I’m not sure if I even want children of my own. I mean I like kids and I’m really looking forward to being an Uncle but parenthood is not a commitment for everyone. Besides, if somewhere down the road it becomes something that we both want, there’s always adoption.”

The sincerity in his blue gaze gave Simone the hope she didn’t think she’d ever have again. “You’re not just saying that?”
She
asked cautiously.

“Simone, these past two years we’ve been fighting our feelings for each other and acting out in unhealthy ways because we were both too chicken shit to tell each other how we really felt. Let’s stop being afraid and start being honest. If you tell me you’re willing to give us a try, I promise on my last breath that I will spend the remainder of my days making you happy.” Paul cupped her face in his calloused palms. “Say yes.”

Trust never came easy for her but Paul made her want to believe. Her heart screamed yes, but her head told her no.
For so
long she’d been listening to her head and where did that get her? She took a breath and took a leap of faith. “Yes,” she whispered.

Chapter Twenty-One

“Paul, you still haven’t told me what happened to your face.” Simone touched the corner of his bruised eyes.

He winced. The spot was still tender to the touch. “I didn’t?”
He
teased. “Must have slipped my mind.”

“Be serious Paul. This isn’t the first time you’ve shown up with bruises.”

“Let’s save it until the morning, love. I just want to enjoy holding you some more.” After the emotional story that Simone had shared, Paul had lifted her into his arms and carried her to his bedroom where they just lay on top of the covers. Simone rested her head on his chest and they enjoyed a content silence. Paul didn’t want
to
move out of this position ever. His dream woman was in his arms and he wanted to prolong this moment for as long as possible. Bringing up any unpleasantness would ruin the beautiful peace they’d created.

“No, I need to know. If we want to
have
this work
,
we have to be honest with each other. What have you been up to Paul?”

“There’s a private event called the late night fights where men or sometimes women get together and fight and people place bets on them. It’s a no holds barred anything goes type of deal.”

“Like the movie Fight Club?”

“It’s a little more organized and a lot less Hollywood but something like that. It’s in different locations and you have to be invited by someone who’s connected to the fights, you can’t just show up.”

Simone gasped. “That sounds dangerous. I can only imagine the type of people that would attract. Paul, how did you get involved with something like that? And who did this to your poor face?” She gave him a kiss on his damaged eye
.

“Trust me, I got off a lot easier than the other guy. Believe it or not, I’m quite capable of handling myself in a fight.”

“I don’t doubt that, Paul, I’m just curious as to how you
got
involved is all.”

“I used to box when I was a teenager, just on an amateur level though. A guy who I knew at the gymnasium I attended told me about these fights and how I could make anywhere from five hundred to a thousand dollars a night. I needed a way to pay for college and
they
sounded perfect. I got him to vouch for me and I started going, got my ass kicked quite a few times, but I got better and what’s worse is I got addicted. After a while, it wasn’t about earning money anymore but trying to battle demons. Soon, I realized if I didn’t back away from the fights, I’d lose everything I was working toward. Around that time
,
I’d gotten custody of Alyssa and I needed to provide her with a stable home.”

“Oh Paul, if you stopped going to the fights what made you go back.”

Paul sighed. “Hearing you tell Noelle that I was soft triggered something with
in
me. But before you say anything
,
it wasn’t your fault. My father had recently got out of prison and had contacted Alyssa. And then
,
there was you with that guy, I think something inside of me snapped. I found myself going back to the fights and using it as my therapy instead of getting proper help.”

“I feel so bad.”

“Don’t blame yourself. It was my decision to start back up with the fights.”

Simone sat up abruptly. “Has anyone ever died at these fights?”

He nodded leaving out the part out where he nearly killed two men because he couldn’t control his temper. Simone had already internalized so much of her misfortune as her own fault, he didn’t want to add to it.

“Paul, I don’t want you to participate in these fights anymore. Please, they sound really scary and I don’t like seeing you bruised and battered. Promise me you won’t go again.”

“You don’t have to worry about me going back.”

“Promise me,” she insisted as she gripped his arm in urgency.

“I promise. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t go back. I’ve been banned.”

“What did you
do
to be banned from a placed like that?”

“I got a little overzealous with another fighter.”

She sighed. “Sounds like we both have our issues.”

“Yeah.” He pulled her back into her arms and Simone returned her head to his chest. “Paul?”
She
asked after a silence fell between them.

“Yes?”

“You said your father got
out
of prison not too long ago?”

“Yeah.”

“I gather from the way you cringed when you mentioned him that you two aren’t on good terms?”

His father wasn’t his favorite topic of conversation but if they were going to be together, he wanted to tell her as much as he could able his past. “No. Not at all. My father was what people would call a man’s man. He was one of those hyper masculine guys who lived by the credo, eat or be eaten. He was a bully who liked to pick on people who weren’t in a position to fight back. His favorite targets were me and my mom. When he wasn’t using me
or
Mom as a punching bag, he was passed out drunk on the couch. I suffered so many broken bones as a child that I lost count.”

“Oh my God
!
And no one helped you?”

“Kind of like how your mother hid behind her religion, my father hid behind his badge. He was a cop. Every
time
my mom called to file a report, one of his buddies would show up, tell my father to take a walk and tell my mother to stop provoking him. We were prisoners in our own home. I felt helpless. My worst beatings were when I tried to protect my mother and her worst was when she tried to protect me. It became even more stressful when Alyssa came. Babies can’t be quiet on command and she was colicky. He put Mom in the hospital twice because she couldn’t quiet my sister down.
From
the time she was old enough to understand the climate of our household, I protected Alyssa the best way I knew how.”

“I wanted to find a way to protect my mom and Alyssa so I went to this gym that I passed everyday on my way to school. I saw these guys sparring and I realized this was my way to get stronger and fight back against my father. I didn’t have any money but I asked the owner if he’d give me lesson
s
if I did things around the gym like running errands and cleaning up. He agreed and he trained me. I actually got pretty good at it. As I got older
,
my father started to notice and he didn’t bother me as much but he turned his focus on Alyssa. I remember one day
,
she spilled grape juice on the carpet and my father punched her in the chest. She was just a little kid so you could imagine what it was like to see a kid fly across the
room
after being attacked by
a
grown man. My mom who rarely spoke back to my father reprimanded him.”

“It pissed him off and he started beating on her. I’d had enough. I used every bit of
my
training and
the
rage inside
of me
and kicked his ass. Every time I punched him
,
I wanted it to hurt as much as it did when he hit me, Mom and Lis. He was such a coward. He pleaded for mercy. If my mother hadn’t pulled me off of him
,
I probably would have killed him. And do you know what he did after that?”

“What?”

“He had me arrested.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. He had to know what he did was wrong.”

“My
Dad no
longer had any power over me. He realized that so I had to go. With me out of the way, he could continue to terrorize Mom and Alyssa. He even told the judge at my hearing that I was an out of control teen and he’d done all that he could to save me. He actually fucking cried on the stand and pretended that he gave a shit about me.”

“If it were up to him I’d be rotting in a jail cell just like him, but instead the family court judge took pity on me. It was my first offense so I had to remain in juvie until my eighteen
th
birthday.”

“I can’t imagine what you must have experienced in a place like that.”

“It wasn’t pleasant. But my worst memory of being there was getting the news that my mother had been murdered by my father. One day he started beating her and just didn’t stop. I had to attend her funeral in shackles. There were relatives there that apparently my mom had alienated herself from but none of them wanted to take Alyssa. I couldn’t mourn her properly because I was trying to keep my sanity in a place that wanted me to lose it. When I was released, I worked toward getting custody of Alyssa.”

Simone raised her head and stared at him with tears in her eyes. “You suffered so much but you never let on.”

“I could say
the same
for you. You’ve had to be strong all your life, we both have, but now that we have each other, we can be strong together.”

Simone’s eyes were teary. “I’d like that.”

“Simone. If you don’t know by now, I love you.”

“I love you
,
too.” Simone leaned in to his kiss and for the first time in a very long time, Paul felt at peace.

<><><>

Simone breathed a sigh of relief as she stepped out
of
the doctor’s office. Though most of her appointment was hard to get through
,
she was happy she came. It would be a long journey for her but now she didn’t have to take it alone. A smile touched her lips as she saw Paul in the waiting room.

He returned her smile as he looked up from his magazine. “How’d it go?”

“Better than I thought it would be.”

He stood up and held his hand out to her. “Ready to go?”

She nodded and took his hand. A wave of warmth shot throughout her body from this simple act of hand holding. These past two months with Paul had been better than she imagined. They had decided to take things slow and get to know each other better. Paul suggested that she learn true intimacy before they had sex again and while she was eager to be close to him again
,
Simone was now glad they decided to wait. The kisses they shared made her toes curled. There were times when he’d touch her hand or send her a smile that made her heart flutter.

Now that they had each other
,
Paul had decided to take it easy with the expansion of the bakery. The second storefront for Dot’s was still going ahead as schedule
d
, but Paul decided that he didn’t want to rush into any further expansions. He wanted to spend more time in the bakery in preparation for when Noelle went on maternity leave. Paul apparently enjoyed being more hands on in the kitchen than dealing with the finance and marketing end. As for Simone, she too had decided to put some of her plans on hold as well. She didn’t need Fashion Week, at least not yet. The boutique was doing great and she was looking into a larger location. Simone had learned to delegate more responsibilities to her staff and it had been a tremendous help to alleviating her stress level.

Since they’d both reduced their work load
,
they were able to enjoy friends and family and most importantly each other. Simone enjoyed their long walks and talking on the phone with Paul like they were silly teenagers. Paul was even teaching her how to box. For the first time in her life
,
she was in love and to have it returned was the best feeling in the world.

“So what did you and the therapist discuss?”

“Well since it’s the first session
,
we talked a little bit about me and what I do for a living. She asked me how I got into my line of work and stuff like that. It was more of a getting to know you kind of session, ya know?”

Paul nodded.

“She asked me what I wanted out of the subsequent sessions as well. I felt really at ease with her. I’m glad Noelle suggested her to me. And
,
I’m glad you came.”

“I wanted to be here to give you support. You’ve inspired me
,
you know.”

Simone raised a brow. “I have?”

“While you were in your session with the therapist, I made an appointment of my own.”

She threw her arms around him. “That’s great, babe. Will you be with Dr. Hodges as well?”

“No, I’ll be seeing her partner. My first appointment is two weeks from now.”

“That’s great, we can come to our sessions together. And maybe eventually
,
we can do a tandem thing.”

Paul chuckled. “We’ll see.” He kissed her on top of her forehead.

They chatted about their work day as Paul drove Simone back to her house. She’d promised him dinner as a thank you for taking her to her first therapy session. There was an unfamiliar car in her driveway
,
parked in her extra spot.

“Were you expecting company?” Paul inquired.

“No.”

When she got out of Paul’s vehicle
,
she looked at the black car parked on her property. As she drew closer, the passenger and driver side door
s
opened. From the driver’s side stepped a man, who looked a lot like her brother but she wasn’t sure. The last time she’d seen
Derek
, he was tall, good looking and athletic. This man was a good two hundred pounds larger than the
Derek
she remembered.

And from the passenger side was the last person she expected to see and had no desire seeing again: her mother.