Dirty Crown: A Bad Boy Secret Baby Royal Romance (with BONUS book - Rebel Rockstar!) (24 page)

T
he fact
that Jem is letting me kiss her again is the best feeling in the whole damn world. She feels amazing in my arms: soft, small, and very sweet. I’m trying not to get too excited about where this might lead—I don’t want to get carried away, to believe in a future that might not happen—but I can’t seem to stop myself. Optimism is flowing through me, washing any reality checks away.

Images of me and Jem
really
giving things a chance fill my mind, and my heart flutters in my chest. I see us as a happy couple, holding hands and kissing. I picture us falling madly and deeply in love, just the way we were always supposed to. I even begin to imagine the bigger picture, the real future…

“Well, well, well.” An icy voice interrupts my thoughts, sending a frozen sensation to pool in the pit of my stomach. “What do we have here?”

I’d recognize that voice anywhere, and to have it ruin a moment this perfect is so annoying that it’s actually physically painful. I don’t even need to pull back to see her face.
Tonya.
Of course. She’s been following me around like a lost puppy for days, trying to seduce me and generally driving me insane. I’m amazed that I actually managed to get away from her for as long as I did!

Jem has already jumped away from me as if she’s been electrocuted, and she’s sending Tonya a confused expression. I want to take her back into my arms, to comfort her, to make all of this go away, to try and re-create a
little
of the magic we were just having, but I know that’s a bad move. That’ll start a bitch war that could escalate way out of control in an instant. Tonya has never been one to play fair, and I don’t want that rained down on Jem.

“What do you want, Tonya?” I ask coolly, standing up to face her.

“I want to know if you two saddos are getting back together.” She sneers as if we’re pathetic, as if the idea of us being a couple disgusts her.

“Why?” Jem snaps back. “What the hell is it to you?” I can’t help but feel proud of her in that moment. She’s standing up for herself, for us, against a woman who really knows how to make people feel terrible about themselves. The Jem I once knew was too shy to even
consider
doing that. She’s obviously been doing some growing up during the time we were last together—I hadn’t realized it until now. There’s a person inside of her that I really need to get to know. I just hope she gives me the time and opportunity to do it.

“Because, you silly little girl,” Tonya turns her tone unnecessarily nasty. “I like to keep track of which skanks my ex-boyfriend is sleeping with now. It’s fun to keep tabs on him.”

“What?” Jem gasps, completely stunned by this news. “Ex?” I feel my heart fall into my shoes as I watch her fall apart.
I should have told her. Why didn’t I tell her?
If she already knew about my past, then she could have come up with a witty reply. Now she’s just a total mess, and it’s entirely my fault.
What an idiot!
I want to slap myself for being so stupid.

“Oh, did he not tell you?” Tonya laughs mirthlessly, knowing she has me. “Before you came along, Nate had a whole other life.” She leans in closer to Jem until their faces are practically touching, and I’m too shocked to do anything about it. I feel like I’m frozen stiff with terror, like a goddamn statue. “A wild one at that.”

Oh God. She did not just say that…did she?
I lost my virginity to Tonya before meeting Jem, which is what she’s bringing up now. It was way more of an awkward fumble than anything wild, but that doesn’t matter now. The damage has been done. I don’t think Jem will ever look at me again. I’m pretty sure that she’s still a virgin, saving herself for the right man, and although she probably knows I’m not exactly innocent now, I can’t imagine she’s going to be impressed that I never told her the truth about me the last time around.
This could not be going any worse for me, and I’m standing here, silent, like a fool!

Say something!
I will myself, but my voice box doesn’t seem to agree.

“I…” Jem starts, gearing up to say something, but I can already see the tears rolling down her face, preventing her from getting anything rational out. I’m internally screaming at myself to stand up for us against Tonya and to at least attempt to defend my actions, to speak the truth out loud, but I feel frozen on the spot, completely helpless.

My silence as Jem glances at me does even more damage than anything Tonya has said. It suggests to her that I’m admitting it all, and that I have nothing to say for myself. I watch her rise slowly, then race off from the deck and out of my life, probably forever.

“Now that the stick-in-the-mud is gone…” Tonya sways her hips seductively as she walks towards me. There’s no denying that this girl is hot as hell, but I’ll never go near her again. Her personality is ugly, and in a way that reflects on the outside. She’s definitely not the one for me, no matter what happens. “Let’s get back down to business.”

She grabs my face in her hands and begins to sit on my knee, but I quickly shove her off, just as I should have done every time she behaved this way around me before. “Get off, Tonya,” I snap at her. “Have some dignity and leave me alone.”

“It’s only a matter of time,” she calls out behind me in a singsong voice as I walk away from her. “You’ll be back.” But I know I won’t. Even if Jem never speaks to me again. She’s just too toxic for my liking. “You’ve never been able to resist me.” She sounds far more confident than she should about my nonexistent feelings for her. Clearly my request that she should get some dignity has fallen on deaf ears. She yells desperate messages across the deck, not caring if anyone else is listening.

“Jem!” I call out to her, blocking Tonya out completely. “Jem, wait for me.” She picks up the pace, rushing even faster to get away from me. “Jem, wait, let me explain! Hear me out, please.”

Just as I reach her bedroom door, a young, very pretty girl steps in front of me, preventing me from going inside. “I’m sorry,” she starts, blushing furiously as if she’s uncomfortable with the position she’s been put in. “Jem asked me to tell you to leave her alone.”

“Is she in there?” I try to push past this girl, but she’s having none of it. She holds her arm out in front of the door to keep me on this side of it. “I just need to speak to her,” I plead. “She needs to hear what I have to say.”

“She’s really upset,” the girl continues, looking up at me with her big blue eyes. “I think you’d be better off letting her cool down.”

I know she’s probably right, but I just can’t stand it. I feel like I need to talk
now
. I run my fingers angrily through my hair, tugging on the ends. I cannot believe I let this to happen, let it get this far. I’m so furious that I’ve had my chance with Jem ruined all over again—and this time because of Tonya. Yes, I should have told Jem earlier about our silly little hookup, I know that, but it certainly wasn’t Tonya’s place to say anything. She knew what she was doing, and she’s achieved exactly what she set out to do. She’s torn me and Jem apart all over again, just as she was starting to come back to me.

“Damn it!” I mutter angrily.

“I’m sorry, Nate. I hate to be the messenger…”

“No, it’s not your fault.” I give her a weak smile and extend my hand as a sign of peace. There’s no point in fighting with this girl. She’s only relaying Jem’s wishes—even if I don’t like them very much.

“Lola.” She shakes my hand and smiles again. “I’m Jem’s friend.”

She goes on to tell me that she met Jem on the ship when we first boarded, and that she’s really taken her under her wing, which sounds just like Jem to me. She’s always been an extremely caring, considerate person who reaches out to others, and good people seem to gravitate toward her too. If this Lola is now friends with Jem, then it’s very likely that she’s very kind, that she’s someone worth getting to know.

I already get a
younger sister
vibe from her, and I wonder if we’re going to become friends ourselves. I wouldn’t want to step on any toes, but I wouldn’t turn down the offer of a friendship either. I really could use someone to talk to other than Paul, who’s only interested in my career. It feels like forever since I had someone genuine to talk to, someone who didn’t just want something from me—whether that be my body or my wallet.

In the end, I decide to take a leap of faith and relay my issue to Lola from my perspective, not holding back any of the details. She’s probably heard a bit of it from Jem, but I want her to understand my side too. I explain it all without trying to angle any aspect of the story to make me look better. I just want her to know the facts, to see what she thinks about it all. Lola remains silent throughout, listening intently, allowing me to get it all out in a fairly coherent manner. It’s kind of therapeutic to say it to an open, listening ear, and it actually goes a way toward making me feel a little better about everything.

“So,” I ask once I’m finished. “Any advice for me?” I half wonder if Jem is listening through the door, if she’s heard every word, but I quickly shut that possibility down. There’s no point in thinking that I’ll be that lucky—it certainly hasn’t happened so far. Anyway, it’s unlikely she would listen to all of that without coming out to contribute to the story. Even if just to argue with my points.

“Err…I’m sorry, no.” Lola shakes her head sadly. “I’m still in high school. I’ve only just started in this industry. I’ve never been through anything like that before.”

“I know.” I sigh deeply. “I don’t think anyone has.”

“She’ll come around.” Lola touches my arm gently and sends me a sweet smile. “Just give her time.”

Time. A concept I really don’t like.
I nod. It doesn’t seem like I’m going to have any choice, no matter what I want. I’m just going to have to sit back and wait for her to come to me.

“Okay.” I force a weak smile onto my lips. “Time—I can do that. Now, while we wait, why don’t you tell me more about you?”

“What do you want to know?” she gasps, sounding genuinely stunned by my request.

“Everything,” I announce gravely. “Your whole life story. I need something to distract me while I wait.”

With that, we both start laughing, then Lola begins to tell me all the details of her life, taking my mind off of my problems, just for a moment.

I
can hear muffled
voices outside my bedroom door, but I force my face to remain firmly pressed in my pillow. I desperately want to press my ear up against the door to hear what’s being said, but I can’t. Nate has hurt me enough today. I can’t let him do
anything
else to affect my mood. I don’t want to hear his pathetic excuses. There’s no way he can explain away what he’s done. He’s made me look like a complete and utter fool! And that’s not even just now—that includes the last time we were together. All that time I thought I was so lucky to have him, and that Tonya was just jealous…and he’d been with her first.

I hate the fact that he’s slept with her too—that it’s likely she took his virginity. I know he’s been around the block more than once. I only need to pick up a newspaper to have that information forced in my face. But the fact that he purposely kept this from me hurts like hell. I would
never
do anything like that to him.

Okay…I may have my secrets, but I have my reasons for keeping my stuff to myself. And it isn’t just self-protection—I would never be that selfish!

I need to just…focus on this damn cruise ship. Get the job here done. Kim sent me to revamp my image, to become a more grown-up version of myself, and that’s really what I should be concentrating on. Nate is nothing more than a distraction that I really don’t need. I don’t want him and his stupid games to have any sort of negative impact on my career. That isn’t fair. I won’t be here forever, anyway, and once I’m done I can get back to my real life—the one I’ve been living quite well without him, thank you very much! If I just keep that thought at the forefront of my mind, everything will be okay.

I won’t be here forever. He won’t be in my life for too much longer…

The door swings open and I freeze, not daring to lift my head, just in case it’s him. I don’t trust myself to even look at him anymore, especially with the pain that’s still circling around inside of me. I know Lola’s acting as my guard but I know how charming Nate can be, and I wouldn’t put it past him to break down her walls.

“Jem?” Lola’s sweet voice calls out quietly as she slowly tiptoes closer. “You okay?” I think I can only hear one set of feet, but I’m not a hundred percent sure.

“Ugh,” I mutter, still unsure whether or not it’s safe to look up. Just the thought of him in my room right now has my skin standing on edge. I couldn’t bear it. I’d lose every ounce of sanity that I have left.

“He’s gone now.” She starts to rub my back in sympathy. “I managed to get rid of him.” At that news, I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.

I sigh deeply as I sit up, allowing Lola to get a view of my tear-stained face. I didn’t really get the chance to explain anything to her as I raced into my room. All I managed to get out was that she shouldn’t let Nate near me under any circumstances, so I know she’s going to have millions of questions for me. I’m really not in the mood to answer any of them, but I don’t want to blow her off either. She’s the only damn friend I have in this place. I need her.

“Thank you,” I reply a little pathetically, rubbing my face as I speak. “I really didn’t want to see him, so I appreciate you sending him away.”

“He told me a little about your dilemma,” she says thoughtfully, pondering his words. Intense curiosity takes over. I really should have listened at the door—that was an oversight on my behalf. It would have been interesting to hear what he had to say without knowing that I was listening. “Not that it’s any of my business, of course. I just…”

“No, go on. Tell me.” Now that I know he’s been speaking about me, I need to know what he’s said—even though I know it’ll be more like a punishment than anything else. And there’s no excuse for his behavior, but I’d like to know how he managed to justify it to Lola. From the expression on her face, he’s certainly done something to win her over.

“Okay,” she starts, eyeing me suspiciously as if she’s not quite sure that I can handle it. My heart starts to pound. What if she goes on to confirm that Tonya’s the love of his life? And that I’ve always been in the way of their true happiness? Hearing that would kill me for sure. “Well, I know Tonya’s a thing of the past, and he feels terrible for not saying anything…” So that was my imagination running away with me again. But he can’t get away with simply “feeling terrible”—he brought this on himself.

“He should have,” I jump in, my voice harsher than I intend it to be. He’s just made me so damn angry! Lola recoils a little at my words, but she quickly picks herself back up again as if she doesn’t want me to realize that I’ve affected her. It’s too late for that, though. I feel plagued by guilt. “It’s not right that I had to find out like that,” I finish, sounding softer…and hopefully kinder.

“No, I know.” I watch her face change as she thinks about Nate. Almost instantly a light blush fills her cheeks and a smile plays on her lips. A happy glow begins to surround her—and it can only come from one thing.

She has a crush on him!

The thought hits me so hard that it almost knocks me out. I feel winded by that news. This thing with Tonya is bad enough, but I already hate her guts, so the jealousy I feel is simply added on top of that. Lola is my
friend
. I don’t even know
how
to feel about her liking him too. I mean, of course she does. He’s got a certain charisma that keeps you thinking about him for days, and the looks of a God—the kind that you wouldn’t mind trampling over your friends to get your hands on. Oh, God, she really does like him. What the hell am I going to do about that?

The worst part is there’s absolutely no reason that Nate wouldn’t like her back. Lola is gorgeous, petite, and very sweet. She’s the perfect girl. Sure, she may be a little young, but her personality completely compensates for that.

What will I do if they fall for each other?

My stomach twists up in knots as images of them hugging, holding hands, and kissing unwittingly fill my brain. Horrible emotions flood through me at the prospect of having to pretend to be happy for them as they flaunt their newfound love in front of me. What if they make me come to their wedding? How will I survive that?

“…but I really think he understands his mistake,” Lola continues, rapidly shaking me from my thoughts. Her expression has completely returned to an innocent one, making me wonder if I imagined it all. “He really cares about you a lot, and I can see that you care about him.” I guess I haven’t been hiding that so well. I’ve been trying to keep the majority of my emotions inside, but I’ve never had a particularly good poker face. “I really think you should talk to him. I mean, no harm can come from it, right? Plus, he told me that Tonya totally exaggerated what happened between them, so it might be good for you to hear the truth of what went down…”

The genuine look she gives me makes me feel incredibly guilty for the thoughts I’ve been having. I let my doomsday imagination run away with me again. Of course Lola would never do that to me. She’s the best friend I’ve had in ages, and I can tell that she appreciates my friendship just as much as I do hers. I really can’t see her as the type of person who would choose a guy over her friends, no matter who the guy is.

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” I admit morosely. I’ve embarrassed myself running off like that. Would Nate even want to talk things over now? “I don’t even know where to begin. It’s always been so complicated between us, you know? Maybe it was better before we saw each other again. Maybe I should have just left well enough alone.” Sadness consumes me, making me say all sorts of things I don’t really mean. It’s never been straightforward between me and Nate, but it’s always felt right. It’s just that when the difficulties crop up, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. “Shouldn’t love just be easy? Shouldn’t you just
know
, and that’s it? Happily ever after and all that.”

“That would be all well and good, if it wasn’t for real life getting in the way.” Lola laughs, sounding far wiser than her years. “I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship or anything before, but I would assume real love is something you have to fight for, to
really
make it happen. The easy ones are the ones you start to take for granted. The ones you let slip away.”

Her words resonate with me in a way that nothing else ever has. Nate and I have been through some real shit—individually and together—and maybe if we can make it through this, we’ll come out of it stronger. Maybe we need to experience all of this hardship to prove to one another that we’re meant to be. Maybe I should just throw myself into this thing feet first see where it takes us.

Even if that means I’ll have to tell him
everything
…

No. I quickly get rid of that thought. There’s no way I’m ready to complicate my life with
that
right now. This is all complex enough without me making it worse. I’d rather just focus on the possibility of me and Nate—and that’s difficult enough. If there’s ever going to be a future for us, I’d rather know now, while we’re stuck on this cruise ship. Once we get back home, we’ll revert to our real lives, and if Nate goes back to being the player he’s become, it’ll tear me apart.

I need to know before then. I need to get a definitive answer.

“Okay,” I nod decisively. “I’ll go and speak to him now. You’re right.” My breaths are labored at the panic this induces. If this is a make-or-break kind of situation—and I have a feeling it might be—then it’s huge. Much more than I thought I’d be dealing with today. “I just…I need a minute first.”

“You’ll be all right.” Lola rubs my back in a calming gesture. “Just remember who you’re talking to. He’s someone you’ve known for a very long time. Sure, you lost your way for a while, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t the Nate you once knew.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I stand up and give her a weak smile. “Thank you, Lola.” With that, I swish out of the door and start the long, terrifying walk to Nate’s room.