Discipline (14 page)

There was a long silence on Noah's end of the line until he whispered, "Oh, God," Noah sighed. "Oh, no. I'm so sorry." He cleared his throat. "I'll come right away. Are you sending a car or...?"

"You can pick it up. You'll come? Right now?" Tobias coughed as his voice started to crack. "I need you."

"Right now. I'm on my way, okay?" He was using that voice again, the strong, capable cop voice. "Get off the road and get inside. I'll be there soon."

"All right. I'm... I'll be there in a couple of minutes." Tobias gripped the wheel a little tighter. He wasn't looking forward to getting there, not sure if Robert would still be there or not. He wasn't sure what would be worse, an empty house or Mrs. Miller's family. "Thankyou," he said quietly.

"I love you," Noah told him in return. "I'm going to hang up and go get the car now, okay?"

"Okay. I love you, too." But he couldn't hit the disconnect. "You have to do it this time," he said. "I can't let go." Of the steering wheel, of Noah, of anything.

Noah cleared his throat again. "Get home safely, please. I'll be there before you know it, I promise."

Noah seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then the line went dead.

Tobias drove in silence the rest of the way, forgetting about the phone until he pulled into the drive. He powered it off and pulled up to the house, oddly relieved to find cars there. As he climbed out of the truck, the porch seemed to fill.

The twins were there, and Peter, and both Robert and his wife, Sue. A fewneighbors , and someone had brought Mrs. Delong up from her farm, though Tobias was fairly sure she wasn't quite over her annual bout ofstrep .

He walked up the steps and reached out a hand to Robert, unsurprised to find himself pulled closer into a hug; the families had been well tied together by Robert's mother, and though he and Robert had never been close, he knew he was much more than simply an employer. The evidence of that was standing all around him.

"Come on now, into the house," Peter said, taking charge for the first time ever. "There's tea on."

So Tobias let himself be led into the house, let himself be taken care of, and he sat with Robert and Sue to help make arrangements.

The hour it would take for Noah to arrive from the city passed quickly with all the company, and Noah did indeed arrive sooner than Tobias expected. He hadn't even heard the car in the drive; he just looked up to see Noah, head to toe in uniform, striding across the living room to him.

Noah stopped short of Tobias, possibly surprised by all the company, and shook Robert's hand.

"Robert," he said, nodding. "I'm so sorry." Then he sat on the couch beside Tobias and looked at him.

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"Nice to have friends around."

Tobias found himself nodding and leaning into Noah. "Better to have you," he whispered. "Thanks for coming."

Noah leaned forward and stroked fingers along his jaw. "I should change my clothes. I'll be back in a few minutes." He stood and greeted the twins as he made his way out of the room.

When Noah returned he was in jeans, a T-shirt, and one of Tobias' sweaters that was slightly too large on him. He took a seat beside Tobias again, slipped an arm through his, and looked at Robert. "Is there anything I can do?"

Robert shook his head, looking faintly amused. "Just take care of Tobias. Can we help you with that?"

Tobias blinked. "I don't need--"

"Oh, yes, you do. At the very least, you need food."

"I think we're all right. Thankyou, Robert. Food I can handle," Noah said with a slight smile. He looked at Tobias. "Right?"

"Well, now, yes," Tobias said, attempting to joke. But then it crashed. "Mrs. Miller made sure you knew what I liked." He sat back on the couch and closed his eyes. "Damn."

Noah rubbed his hand on Tobias' thigh, still talking to Robert. "You'll let us know about the arrangements?"

"Most of it's been settled between us all, just have to make the calls," Tobias heard Robert say. "I'll take the twins home to their mother. Peter?"

"Aye."

"Can you drive Mrs. Delong back down?"

"Aye. Sir, I'll turn the horses out tonight. No need for you or... or Noah to bother."

Tobias opened one eye and nodded. "Thankyou, Peter. I'd like to take the morning feed, though. I think I'll be riding tomorrow, too."

Peter nodded, and then people started to move about, gathering coats and scarves and things.

"Did you call anyone else?" Tobias heard Robert ask Noah. "She'd... well, there are people she was real fond of."

"I have a few people in mind to call," Noah said. "I'll make sure they get the word."

Tobias winced at the thought of Phantom's reaction. Standing, he shook Robert's hand again and finally made his way to the door to say his goodbyes. It seemed like an age before they closed it on the last of them and he could turn to Noah. "Sweetheart," he whispered, burying his head in Noah's neck, right there in the front hall.

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"Oh..." Noah put his arms around him. "I've wanted to do this since the moment I walked in, but I didn't think... with all those people around..." He sighed. "I'm so sorry, baby. You know I can't say enough good things about her. She was extraordinary."

"She was," Tobias agreed, mumbling the words into Noah's skin. His eyes were starting to burn, and he could feel his chest tighten. "She lived with her whole heart and wasn't scared of anything."

"She was always so good to me," Noah said softly, leading Tobias back to the couch to sit. "She was sweet, kind, helpful, always ready with a cooking tip or an anecdote about you. She really made me feel welcome here."

Tobias nodded. He wasn't sure how long he could do this. "I... oh, God." He coughed. "She was my family." He blinked rapidly, the tears coming up.

Noah nodded and pulled Tobias down to the couch and into his arms. "You loved her, I know." He stroked a hand over Tobias' back and held him close.

"I did. I do." Tobias began to cry, knowing that if there was anyone on the planet who deserved his tears it wasElizabethMiller.

"I know. She knew it, too. She did." Noah cleared his throat. Tobias felt Noah's hand leave his back for a moment. "She did, baby."

Somehow, knowing Noah was mourning her, too, helped. Having only known her for a few months had affected Noah to the point where he could cry for her as well, and that seemed to loosen even more tears in Tobias. He clung to Noah, let himself cry, let himself feel the loss.

She'd been his mother, his aunt, his guide. She'd never once blinked at his lovers, had welcomed first Phantom and then Noah into her life, had never pried into his private affairs. She'd simply been accepting and strong, teaching class by example, teaching how to love by doing it, and had never once let him hide from a responsibility.

He wept, knowing the world was poorer without her.

Noah held him and rubbed his back, until his shoulders stopped shaking and there was nothing but the sound of their breathing. It was hard to know how long they sat there, Noah being stoic and quiet with Tobias comfortably tucked into his shoulder.

When the sun went down and the house started to get dark and chilly, Noah kissed him on the head. "I should start dinner." He scooted out from under Tobias and fluffed one of the couch pillows for him.

"You rest. I'll let you know when it's ready."

Tobias nodded and sank down onto the couch, feeling drained. He couldn't quite get used to the idea that Mrs. Miller was gone, that she wouldn't be back to run the place when he wasn't there. He felt adrift, like his anchor was gone. No, his anchor was making supper, he reminded himself. But something important had been taken from him, and he had to deal with that.

He fell into a fitful sleep, half dreams of his house falling down plaguing him. A stranger living there during the week, making him feel like a weekend visitor instead of an absent son. He moaned and rolled over, waking slightly. He was cold. He could feel fresh tears on his cheeks. He was alone.

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"Noah?"

The living room was dark, but there was light spilling into the hallway from the direction of the kitchen, and Tobias noted the warm, homey smell of comfort food.

He sat up and wiped his eyes again, then stood and made his way there. The kitchen was always warm; Mrs. Miller had made it the center of his home. He didn't bother wiping these tears away -- he had a feeling there would be more.

"Noah?" he said again as he walked in. "Where are you?"

"Right here, baby." Noah went to him and slipped his arms around his waist.

"I had bad dreams," Tobias whispered. "And I can't stop crying."

"When my father passed away, my mother told me that tears were good for you. Let's hope she's right, huh?" Noah tightened his arms around Tobias and kissed his chest.

Tobias nodded. Something that felt this horrid had to be good for him. "It's like... spinach then?" he asked, choking out a laugh. He held onto Noah and sniffled a little. "God, I hate this."

"It hurts, I know."

"It does. I want... No. I don't want it to stop. She deserves to have me ache for her, does that make sense? She earned these tears." He felt his chest tighten again, and a sob welled up. "I'm sorry," he said, not knowing why.

"It makes perfect sense, baby, and you're right, she deserves to be missed. She will be, sorely." Noah held on tightly and a quiet moment passed before he finally asked, "Are you hungry at all?"

"No." He wasn't. "I don't know. I don't... I should make some calls."

"Some calls? Who are you calling?" Noah pulled him over to the kitchen table and sat him in a chair.

"Have a few bites, you need it." Despite having just been told that Tobias wasn't hungry, Noah went to the stove and dished up some stew and sat it in front of Tobias with a hunk of crusty bread.

"I should call... well, Bradford. Phan will have to know, he loved her." Tobias played with the fork in front of him. "Dee. Um. Order flowers. I have to decide what to do about the house."

"Whoa, hey, all of that can wait." Noah sat at the table with him. "Eat. The house will be fine for a while, I've taken the rest of the week off work. Flowers can wait until tomorrow. I'm sure Dee isn't expecting to hear from you yet, and I can call Phan. Don't push, you're allowed to just grieve, Tobias."

"I don't grieve well," Tobias admitted.

Noah snorted, then shot Tobias a look of disbelief. "Tobias, who grieves 'well'?"

"Well, do you find people to take it out on?" Tobias demanded. "Do you bury yourself in work for months and ignore everyone? Do you forget to eat, and drive yourself so hard that you nearly wind up in a hospital?"

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"If you think I'm going to let you do any of those things, you have another think coming, Dr. Vincent."

Noah stood and went back to the stove. "And on that note, will you eat something, please?"

Tobias looked at him and managed a weak smile. "If I was feeling better I'd say no, just on principle. I advise you to lose the 'please' by the day after tomorrow. Maybe Bradford can give you a quick lesson on how to order me around."

Noah turned around and walked back to the table with a quirky grin tugging at his lips. As he leaned both hands on the table, the smile disappeared and he looked Tobias in the eye. "Eat. Smart-ass."

"Spankings and stroke counts are cumulative," Tobias said evenly. He didn't pick up his fork.

"So be it. But I love you and it's my job to take care of you and see to your needs. What you need right now is your strength. So you can levy me fifty strokes if you like, but I'm not moving until you pick up that fork and eat something."

Tobias looked at him and finally sighed. "Brat," he said, picking up his fork.

"You're eating." Noah grinned smugly and went to get him a glass of water.

"Yes," Tobias said, taking a bite of the bread. "Be proud of yourself. Now. Are you sure you can take the time off work? I don't want to eat your vacation time; we're still going to Paris."

"I have plenty, and you're exactly the person I want to spend it on," Noah said easily, setting the glass down in front of Tobias. "Honestly." He sat again and crossed his legs.

"All right." Tobias let it go and concentrated on eating everything Noah put in front of him. Fork, lift, chew, swallow. Easy. Mindless. No need to think or feel, only do. He finished everything and finally looked up. "I... I need to go lie down." He felt slightly queasy and suddenly realized he had no idea what he'd eaten.

"Go on upstairs. I'll clean up here and bring you some tea in a bit. You want a bath?" Noah picked up his bowl and moved it to the sink.

"I... I don't know." Tobias shook his head. "Yeah, I guess so. I'll take care of it, don't worry." He stood up slowly, feeling a hundred years old. "Thankyou, sweetheart."

Noah turned from the sink and watched him. "You're welcome, sir. I'll be up soon." He gave Tobias a kiss and another quick hug before sending him on his way.

Tobias bathed mechanically, unable to relax; every time he did, he found himself remembering and tears would well up, or he'd begin to make plans. Neither were the mind-numbing blankness he craved. Once clean and dry again, he crawled into bed and left all the lights on, waiting for Noah to come up.

Noah chose these few minutes alone to let his own grief out, letting tears fall as he washed the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. He needed to keep it together for Tobias. The more off-balance Tobias was, the steadier Noah needed to be. That was understood.

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He hadn't known Mrs. M all that well, really, or for very long, but she was one of those people that you couldn't help but love from the moment you met her. And as corny as it sounded, it really was true that she was a big part of what made him finally feel at home in Tobias' house.