Dogfight (3 page)

Pawlenty, as a man from one state north,

Had pinned his hopes on being thus thrust forth.

It’s true he’d shown some weakness in debate,

But Iowa, some thought, could be Tim’s state.

Right-wing, and evangelical to boot,

He had a quality that seemed to suit

The Hawkeye voters: When he’s at his best,

Pawlenty’s manner clearly shouts, “Midwest!”

And as for right-wing dogma, he could sell it

Without impressing voters as a zealot.

There were, in fact, among the cognoscenti

Some folks who’d placed their bets on Tim Pawlenty.

They thought that Tim might be the man to beat

Mitt Romney (who at Ames did not compete).

Tim’s hopes for being lead beast in the herd

Were dashed in Ames: Pawlenty came in third—

Far back in third. It wasn’t even close.

So, quickly, Tim Pawlenty said
adios
.

Too quickly, several pundits would propound.

Pawlenty, they advised, should stick around.

But Tim Pawlenty wasn’t looking back.

So thus ordained as leader of the pack

Was Congresswoman Bachmann, who’d gained ground

All summer, ’til in August she was crowned

The straw poll winner, meaning, so to speak,

She got discussed as flavor of the week.

And nationally she started to emerge

While overtaking Romney in a surge.

No longer was it fair to introduce

Michele as “Sarah Palin minus moose.”

The next “I’m out” upset Michele’s domain:

Ed Rollins, who had managed her campaign,

Announced that he would leave—a key defection.

Her quest since Ames had somehow lost direction.

The scrutiny front-runners always get

Exposed some things the Bachmanns might regret.

Their clinic was a source of great debate,

Since it seemed keen on turning gay men straight.

Some rumors that were passed around in stealth

Implied Michele was not in perfect health.

As indicated by the groans and laughs,

Ms. Bachmann could be counted on for gaffes.

Before she ran, she’d casually been able

To shade or to exaggerate on cable.

Now, things she said—some wrong, some just inscrutable—

Were not, in this campaign, considered suitable:

The history was flawed, the science too.

(She said, although it’s not remotely true,

That shots now given girls across the nation

Have been the cause of mental retardation.)

When northeast states were walloped by Irene,

She said God’s wrath had surely set that scene.

So by September, Bachmann, back to punt,

Was someone who had briefly been in front

But who, it was increasingly quite clear,

Would from now on be stalled more toward the rear.

The new front-runner wasn’t Romney, though.

From Texas now a mighty wind did blow.

Its smile was broad, its hair just short of stunning:

Rick Perry, who had hit the pavement running.

A great campaign for Perry was projected.

In every race he’d run he’d been elected.

He did that Texas swagger to perfection,

And he was known to have a close connection

To lots of Texas money that would make

Financing his campaign a piece of cake.

And under Perry, Texas added gobs

Of what this race was most about—that’s jobs.

He needed no instruction and no training

To seem at home at door-to-door campaigning.

In Iowa, he played the good ol’ boy.

Compared to Mitt, he seemed the real McCoy—

A man who schmoozed and didn’t seem contrived,

As if from many focus groups derived.

Conservatives considered Perry pure,

And he became the favorite du jour.

As nationally Rick’s polling numbers soared,

The analysts who crunched the numbers scored

Him well ahead; some said he couldn’t lose.

They thought once more Republicans might choose

A Texas governor at their convention,

Though Bush’s name was one they’d never mention.

But Perry’s chances started going south

When Perry started opening his mouth.

Debates and interviews just did him in,

For they revealed his grasp of facts was thin.

He wasn’t really strong on world affairs.

He didn’t seem to have a lot upstairs.

Of justices his knowledge wasn’t great:

He somehow thought that there were only eight.

He thought the voting age was twenty-one.

By then, the press and bloggers had begun

To look for Perry gaffes on which to jump,

And that put Perry’s numbers in a slump.

For donors, it could be a strong deflater

To watch their man Rick Perry as debater.

The biggest gaffe had happened in November,

When Perry, in debate, could not remember

The third of three departments he would toss

Into the scrap heap once he was the boss.

Then he said “Oops.” With that word it was clear

The White House was a place he’d not get near;

All three departments’ workers could relax,

For he’d become the butt of comics’ cracks.

He held out for a while—two months at most—

But from that moment Rick’s campaign was toast.

And that left true believers with a plight:

For their crusade they didn’t have a knight.

The first chance voters had to have their say

In caucuses was some two months away.

Though actual voters still had not been faced,

Some serious threats to Mitt had been erased.

Two candidates whom pundits might construe

As hurdles Romney had to jump were through.

A third campaigner who had seemed a threat,

Jon Huntsman, hadn’t really caught on yet.

One problem that Jon Huntsman had to face:

He wasn’t welcomed warmly by the base.

The people who thought compromise was treason

Suspected he was vulnerable to reason.

His politics and theirs were much the same,

But something troubled them about his name.

Not Huntsman, but the part just past the comma:

“Ambassador to China for Obama.”

Credentials as a true Obama hater

Could not be issued; Huntsman was a traitor.

So he was not the man the right would bless

As champion to stop the Mitt Express.

The weakest candidates were those now left,

And right-wing true believers were bereft.