Authors: Calvin Trillin
Dogfight (8 page)
Despite the many contests that he’d won,
The count of delegates could not be spun
In ways that made the plain arithmetic
Look anything but very grim for Rick.
Whatever flaws he has, the man can count.
His campaign debt had now begun to mount.
At Easter time he said he would suspend
His operation. Rick had reached the end.
Adieu Santorum
The race will miss the purity
That you alone endow.
We’ll never find another man
Who’s holier than thou.
And Newt? Would Newt continue in the fray
Now, even though he didn’t have a ray?
One factor made his situation worse:
Shel Adelson was zipping up his purse.
Yes, sixteen million—not a penny more—
Turned out to be as much as Newt could schnorrer
From Adelson, who, though he’d closed Newt’s drama,
Said he’d give millions more to beat Obama.
He guaranteed Republican campaigns
Would benefit from his ill-gotten gains.
End of the Line?
Sheldon Adelson, the Las Vegas billionaire who has been the biggest backer to a group supporting Newt Gingrich, said this week that Mr. Gingrich had reached “the end of his line” in his bid for the presidency.
—The New York Times
So Newt’s coming closer to facing defeat?
His main sugar daddy’s no longer so sweet.
And Newt never was: Why, when he had the power
Of all of that sugar, he still sounded sour.
So why was he remaining in the fight?
Could Newton be there simply out of spite?
Did he remain, and not just take a hike,
To bloody up a man he didn’t like?
It’s possible, but finally, in May,
Newt grudgingly announced he’d go away.
Newt Departs from the Island of Poliwonks
(The saddest leave-taking since Max left the Wild Things)
“Don’t go!” all the poliwonks started to croon.
“What other Republican dared to harpoon
The Mittster for being a heartless tycoon?
Who’s left to start planning a town on the moon,
As if he had stepped from the pages of
Dune
?
Who never did hesitate once to impugn
The press—his best foil—when it seemed opportune?
Oh why, Newt, oh why must you leave us so soon?”
But Newt, though quite portly, as well as jejune,
Just floated away, like a hot air balloon.
So it was Mitt. He’d won. The next month he
Was called “presumptive” by the RNC.
At last the last threat, Rick, had been defeated.
The sniper, Newt, had finally retreated
Back where he could fulfill Callista’s dreams,
With funding from his shady K Street schemes.
The right was stuck with Mitt, so said the news.
But had Mitt now been stuck with all their views?
Small Animals Dispatched
So Mitt’s finally won. The whack-a-mole’s over.
The moles have been whacked, and Mitt is in clover.
The clover smells good, but here is the riddle:
Can Romney now move it a bit toward the middle?
By dropping the wacko-right banner he’s gripping,
Will he be accused of more flopping and flipping?
Mitt’s Got the Gold
So Mitt alone emerged then from the brawl—
Opposed by none, except for Dr. Paul.
The doctor’s praises hadn’t gone unsung
By loyal backers, many of them young.
A libertarian, he espoused the view
That you can do whatever you can do—
Unless (and this requires some contortion)
The thing you want to do is an abortion.
In early contests, Ron Paul did quite well,
Although reporters did begin to dwell
On whether publications in the past
That bore his name were of a racist cast.
His bearing was much less than charismatic.
His views on war were downright Democratic.
His role was of the somewhat odd, erratic,
Eccentric uncle living in the attic.
So Mitt’s advisers saw no cause to fret
That Paul remained. The doctor was no threat.
In fact, they thought it might be sticky wicket
If Paul broke ranks to head another ticket.
So Romney found with Paul some common ground.
The Mittster wanted Paul to stick around.
Opposites Remain
Paul has his own style, which is folksy, not canned.
Religion? He’s got one. His prophet’s Ayn Rand.
By Rand’s eerie theories he’s fervently gripped,
So he won’t do flip-flops. He long ago flipped.
With Romney’s lead now finally unassailable,
His team began to make him unavailable
For those occasions where the work of staff
Could not preclude the presence of a gaffe.
They skipped the gatherings where nonchalance
Could lead to an embarrassing response.
They built, at any must-attend affair,
Around their man a
cordon sanitaire
.
And interviews, which also could bring shocks,
Were not allowed—not even those on Fox.
In interviews, they’d found, their man could quickly
Become a CEO—aloof and prickly.
Mitt Romney’s Handlers Devise a New Strategy
To keep him from uttering what might appall,
He’ll simply be saying now nothing at all.
They wanted Mitt on message, which was this:
Obama is a man we must dismiss.
He had his opportunity to cure
The hard times that our people still endure.
We can’t recover under his command.
Our system’s something he can’t understand,
Because the man has never had a hand
In business—that’s the business of this land.
What’s needed to escape recession’s clenches?
A man who’s been there in the business trenches,
Who, seeing an economy destroyed,
Rolls up his sleeves and gets those folks employed.
Business Experience
Last week, Mitt Romney floated an idea at a campaign rally in Las Vegas: the future president should be required to have three years of business experience before serving in office.
—The Washington Post
Experience in business is vital, said Mitt—
Three years at the least, in the plan he unveiled.
Though Truman’s accomplishments seem to suggest
The business in question would have to have failed.
Bain
Mitt Romney from the start had often stated
That many jobs by him had been created
In businesses that thrived throughout his reign
As founder and the CEO of Bain.
He said a hundred thousand was the total—
A number shown to be, well, anecdotal.
He dropped the number from his speeches; still,
He said a savvy businessman could fill
So many jobs now vanished since the nation
Got handicapped by overregulation.
Free enterprise, Mitt said, was the elixir
To fix this mess—and he the master fixer.
His business background was Mitt Romney’s pride.
The problem was there was another side.
His rivals in the primaries rebutted:
Mitt’s firm cashed in while companies were gutted.
Rick Perry was the first to brand Bain’s culture
With what was quite a scary label: “vulture.”
In Carolina, not to be outdone,
Newt Gingrich then had grabbed that ball and run.
With money from his Vegas sugar daddy,
He ran some ads that showed Mitt as a baddie
Who piled on riches sitting in his suite
While putting honest workers on the street.
So now the Democrats began to skewer
Mitt Romney as a business evildoer.
Their strategy seemed simple on its face.
As governor the man was no disgrace,
But what’s he mostly praised for in his state?
A health plan he professes now to hate.
And so his great accomplishment was one
On which he wouldn’t be allowed to run.
His business record, then, was all he had;
It’s what was meant to be his launching pad.
Success in business had to be his claim.
And if that claim takes on a hint of shame—
If, when employment figures still are lagging,
He could not point to Bain to back his bragging—
He’s just a guy, no matter what his spiel,
Who salvaged one Olympics—no big deal.
The Bain of Mitt Romney’s Existence
He’s running on all of his triumphs at Bain,
But some say the Democrats ought to refrain
From saying Bain’s gain was at times inhumane
(Because of its strategy aiming to drain
A company’s treasure, no matter what pain
Is caused to the workers whom it won’t retain).
Yes, Bain did some good, its defenders explain:
Some pension funds shared in its capital gain.
So
vulture
’s a label for Mitt they disdain—
Though
buzzard
’s okay, and is just as germane.
Some Democrats found such attacks unfair,
But others pointed out that Bain was where
Mitt Romney said that, gathering those stocks, he
Got skills in leadership and plain old moxie—
The very skills, he says, Obama lacks.
So Bain’s fair game, they said, for such attacks:
Since Bain is central to the claims Mitt’s made,
We need to know just how that game was played.
The White House Prepares
Obama’s team, preparing for the pending
Election, knew some fences needed mending
With groups whose backing had become lukewarm,
Because Obama’s promise of reform
That he as President would carry through
Had ended up too far back in the queue.
The Dream Act hadn’t passed, despite orations.
So he came close by changing regulations
To say a person (often a Latino)
Brought here illegally as a bambino,
Could go about his business and not fret
(As long as some conditions had been met)
About the chance that he could soon be thrown
From here into a land he’d never known.
Thus fences with Latinos were repaired,
And, since they thought of Mitt as gringo squared,
They could present the Democratic slate
With bigger Spanish margins than ’08.
And here is what Obama had to say
That brought a cheer from people who are gay
(Although he didn’t say it when he’d planned,
’Cause Biden, he of loose lips, tipped his hand):
On marriage vows, he now felt ecumenical—
So even those whose sex is quite identical
Should be allowed their separate lives to blend
And live those lives together to the end.
Before, he’d called his thoughts on this “evolving.”
His statement, then, went quite a way toward solving
The beef of those who thought he’d moved too slowly.
Though those who think such unions are unholy
Were mad, the issue has no longer got
A button on it that remains red-hot.
(Opponents are much older, meaning, verily,
This issue will be settled actuarially.)