Don’t Forget to Remember Me (3 page)

My shoulders started to
shake violently and I wrapped my arms around myself. Pretty soon my
anguished voice was crying out my thoughts. “Why, in God’s name?
Jesus,
why
?? Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! Why did
this happen??!!” I screamed into the silent night. I wasn’t sure
how long I remained where I was, crying for long minutes. “She
didn’t deserve this. She’s so good,” I cried brokenly, but more
softly now.

I
furiously
brushed the tears from my face before starting my
walk back to the hospital.
What was I doing? I had to get
to her as soon as I possibly could.

My face was surely swollen and red and I
couldn’t speak without the telltale signs of my tears lacing my
voice, but I didn’t care. I had a new resolve. Julia was going to
be fine. She was going to live and I would be right beside her for
the rest of my life. This was a detour, a little bump in the road.
I would expect a full recovery, to move to New York as planned and
then our wedding.

My vision blurred again.

And, we’ll have more babies, Julia. Gorgeous
babies with your amazing eyes.

I’d felt such joy at the knowledge that she
was carrying my child, however fleeting it was before it had been
replaced with horrible devastation at the loss. Sharing that with
her was something I wanted. Desperately.

The elevator doors opened into ICU and I
stopped to use the hand sanitizer that was located in the hall
before the double doors and then pushed my way through. Jenna, who
was off of her shift in ER, was waiting with Aaron and she motioned
toward a room to her right. I preceded them in, bracing myself for
the sight I was about to face.

Julia was lying in a mire of wires and
machines; beeping and wheezing noises violating the silence. There
were cold packs around her head, her face swollen and bruised. The
vent tube was coming out of her mouth and there were IV’s in both
arms. Everywhere I looked there were tubes. Her arms lay above the
covers, pale even up against the white blanket. I dropped to my
knees beside her bed, fresh tears beginning again.

“Julia, I’m so sorry, baby. I’m here, my
love.” My voice aching as I bent to kiss her cheek softly, my hand
closing around her still one. “Please…come back to me.”

Of course she didn’t move and maybe she
couldn’t hear me considering her drug induced coma, but I had to
say the words. My forehead rested on the hand I held as I willed
her to feel my presence beside her.

Aaron pulled a chair close to Julia’s
bedside and offered it to me. “Ryan, I’m going to take Jen home.
I’ll be back.”

“Uh,” I turned and stood to embrace them
both. “Aaron, you don’t have to come back tonight. It’s so late.
I’ll wait for the others. They will be here soon.”

“Mom and Dad called while you were outside.
They landed at Logan and are catching a cab. Dad’s coming straight
here, but sending Mom to get a hotel room and drop off their bags,”
Aaron said as I let him go and sat down in the chair.

“Okay. Thank you both for being here.
Especially you, Jenna. I can’t tell you how much it helped having
you in there when I couldn’t be.” I hugged her again and she wiped
her eyes as I released her.

After they left, I moved closer so that I
could hold Julia’s hand and my thumb rubbed back and forth over the
top of her fingers. The nurses came in to monitor her vital signs,
although I was watching them myself, and to change the cold packs
around her bandaged head. Her breathing was shallow, even with the
vent, but her pulse was strong. I was told that Dr. Brighton would
be in at 6 am to check on her.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her or the damn
machines that kept reminding me of the gravity of the situation
with their sounds. Every second felt like a year. My eyes were
burning and dry. I pressed the heels of my hands to both of them
and rubbed. I brushed her right hand with my lips and then settled
in, looking away from her face, unrecognizable with swelling and
angry bruises, only to check on her vitals.

Paul arrived first, still in a suit, but
rumpled…looking as rough as I felt. I stood to embrace him. We both
held onto each other for dear life. “I’m so sorry, Paul. I’d give
anything if I could take this away.”

He didn’t say anything, but moved to the
edge of the bed and looked down at Julia. He gasped in shock as he
took it all in. “It doesn’t even look like her.” His voice broke on
the last word. “Julia?”

I put my hand on his shoulder and
squeezed.

“Can you fill me in?” he asked quietly.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for
the reality check I was about to give us both.

“She has a pretty serious
head injury.” I couldn’t believe how clinical my voice sounded as I
ran
through it
, trying to keep the medical
terminology to a minimum. “She’s on barbiturates to reduce the
metabolic rate of her brain tissue. That’s important because it
will reduce blood flow and hopefully curtail swelling, one of the
worst things that could happen after head trauma. We’re also
watching for any increase in pressure from fluids.” I sucked in all
the air my lungs could hold and walked to the window. Her father
sat in the chair next to the bed while I continued. “She had a
laceration on her forehead and some bruises over a good portion of
her body. Her left shoulder was dislocated and she has three
fractured ribs. Her left lung collapsed and had to be re-inflated.”
I swallowed the pain rising up in my throat. “The drugs will keep
her in a coma so that her brain can heal. They’ll gradually reduce
them if there are no complications, and hopefully…she’ll wake up
and be…Julia.”

“My God. Do you think she’ll have brain
damage, Ryan? What effect would swelling have?” Part of me wished I
didn’t know the answers.

My throat tightened up
even more. So much; I wasn’t sure I could even get the words out.
“Um…the confines of the skull don’t allow room for the tissue
expansion caused when the brain swells. The only place it has any
room
to
expand is down, and it, uh…” I put
my hand on my hips and blinked my eyes several times to try to stop
the tears, but my voice was shaking, “puts pressure on the brain
stem which controls involuntary body functions, like heart and lung
activity.” I closed my eyes, not wanting to face the possibility of
that happening to Julia. “Everything possible is being done to keep
that from happening. My father is on his way. If she needs a shunt
or bolt, he’ll be here to do it. I don’t trust anyone else
to
fucking
touch
her!” I whispered brokenly and turned back toward the bed. I sat
down on my haunches near her face so I could look at her. Her head
was wrapped in a white bandage, some of her dark hair was plastered
to her face, still caked with blood, and her face was swollen with
black circles under both eyes.

“A shunt or bolt?”

“Uhnggg…” I tried to clear the tears from my
voice and I ghosted my fingers across the velvet softness of
Julia’s cheek. “They are ways of draining fluid, and would need to
be placed surgically. The amount of fluid and where it originates
would determine which of those procedures are used. Right now
that’s not an issue, so I’m praying it won’t become one. If her
brain swells further, it could be, though. The next 48 hours are
critical.”

“Could she die?” I could tell he was crying,
even though he was trying to hide it. Paul was a man’s man, old
school and wouldn’t want to openly show emotion. Even over his only
child. Part of me envied his control because I felt like I was
falling apart.

“No!” I replied sharply. “Please don’t even
say that! I can’t even think about that happening.” I lowered my
voice, more conscious of the tone I was using. “I’m sorry, Paul.
It’s just…I can’t even contemplate losing her. I don’t know what
I’d do.”

Paul drew in a deep breath and nodded. “I’m
so thankful for you, Ryan. I know she’ll get the best care because
you know what the hell is happening. It makes me feel safer,
somehow.”

“Thank you, Paul. That means a lot to me,
but I feel more helpless right now than I ever have in my entire
life.” I let my head fall to my hands.

Minutes later, my father arrived and
thankfully, I didn’t have to explain anything. He could tell just
by looking at her charts, which I assumed he’d already done before
entering the room. Dr. Brighton left instructions with the nurses
to give him access and the resident on duty knew as well.

I lost it again as my father’s arms closed
around me. “Oh, my God, Dad!”

“Ryan, we’ll do all we can. I’ll stay as
long as Julia needs me, son.” He embraced me tightly and placed a
hand on the back of my head. “Your mother will be here soon. She’s
very worried. You know how much she adores Julia.”

When he released me, he turned and offered
Paul his hand. “Hello, Paul. It’s good to see you again, but I wish
it was under better circumstances.”

“Yes. I was expecting a wedding pretty
soon,” he murmured and my heart broke all over again. I went out
into the hallway and asked the nurses if we could get a few more
chairs.

And so the vigil began; all of us sitting in
silence, watching Julia. My father, Aaron and I conferred with the
doctors and monitored the equipment. When Julia’s mother, Marin,
arrived she was hysterical and Paul took her out of the room. I
understood it and wanted to comfort her, but I couldn’t leave
Julia.

I never left her side. When my mother came,
she just sat beside me, rubbing my back or bringing me coffee and
sandwiches that I didn’t touch.

It must have been a new day because the
nurses changed shifts and the other’s clothes changed. Jen and
Aaron came and went, Aaron doing his rotations and Jenna working
downstairs in ER.

Ellie and Harris finally arrived the
following morning.

Ellie looked terrible, her
eyes bloodshot and
red-rimmed
, and
clutching Harris’s hand for dear life until she ran to me. My arms
closed around her as she sobbed into my shoulder. “Ryan, I’m so
sorry. How is she doing?”

“She hasn’t gotten any worse, so that’s
something, but it’s…not good, Ellie. Her injuries are extensive.”
Hearing my words, Marin started crying again and my mother tried to
comfort her.

Ellie pulled back, her expression pained,
apparent that she knew about the baby. I pleaded with her silently
not to say anything and prayed that she would read it in my
expression.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner. I um…I was
in New York visiting Julia, helping her pack and then when she…came
to Boston; I got a plane to L.A. I wasn’t even home when Aaron
called me to let me know about her accident. Harris met me at the
airport and we turned right around.”

I nodded. “I
know
, Ellie,” were the only words I could
get out but she understood what I was trying to say.

“I’m so sorry,
Ryan.
So
sorry.” Her grey eyes were
wide, her chin trembling. “Julia…was so happy about it. She decided
not to go to Paris.”

I closed my eyes against the burning ache
that consumed me. “Thanks, Ellie. It would mean the world to Julia
that you guys are here, as it does to me.”

I returned to my place beside Julia’s
bedside until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Ryan, you need to go home and get some
rest. You’re going to make yourself ill.” My father’s voice was
firm. “You’ll be no good to her if you kill yourself.”

“Dad…I’m not going anywhere. If you guys
want to leave, go ahead,” I said woodenly, still watching for any
signs of consciousness from Julia. “Take Marin to dinner.” I
glanced across the bed at the woman who was brushing the hair off
of Julia’s forehead again and again. I tried to smile at her. “You
should get out of here for a while.”

“What about you? Will you come with us?”
Marin was a slight woman and I could see a little of Julia around
her eyes, but that was where the similarities ended. Julia had
Paul’s coloring and his attitude.

I let my breath out in a huff, and shook my
head. “I’m not going anywhere. My place is here.”

“Ellie is here now. She can stay with Julia
as can Elyse or I. Go get something to eat and sleep. Even Paul’s
gone back to the hotel to get some rest. You should, too,” my
father insisted.

I shook my head again but didn’t say a word.
The truth was, I was scared shitless and I didn’t want to leave for
even a second in case something happened. Maybe she’d wake up and
God, what if I lost her? I’d never forgive myself if I missed even
one second with her. I’d blown off my classes and clinical. I
didn’t even know if any of my professors were aware of my
situation. I didn’t know what day it was. Graduating mattered
little to me at this point. If something happened to Julia, if she
didn’t wake up, or if she woke up damaged, my life would be over
anyway.

Everyone cleared out
except my mother and me. I was thankful for the silence. Mom was
sitting on the window sill, her sad eyes watching me. I sat and
held Julia’s right hand, as I’d been doing since I’d walked into
this room the night she was admitted. I was thankful that I could
let the façade fall away and allow the emotions that I’d been
struggling to hide, come to the surface. S
obs
rose in my throat. My mother came to kneel next to me and put
her head on my knee.

“Ryan…Julia wouldn’t want you to hurt
yourself. It’s been three days and you should go home. Eat, shower
and sleep.”

“I
can’t
leave
! What if…something
happens?” My voice broke and tears formed in my eyes. I wiped at
them impatiently. She moved and put her arms around me and I melted
into her, sobbing into her shoulder, but still rubbing my thumb
over Julia’s wrist. “I love her so much, Mom. Jesus, she has to be
okay.”