Donorboy (14 page)

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Rosalind—please read before deleting

Karen—

I appreciate very much your willingness to set our differences aside and proceed with the job of cooperating for Rosalind's benefit. I also do actually appreciate your willingness to put your feelings in the open rather than just taking digs at me for years. I don't want to get into a long debate about what you've said about me, but I guess I do have to say that I must cop to a certain degree of selfishness on my part. I am a single, childless (well, I used to be, after a fashion) man in my mid-thirties, and, if I am honest, I suppose I thought and still think that raising Rosalind, even for a few years, will give my life some meaning and importance that it doesn't otherwise seem to have. I know that you and I are of an age and similar in our positions in life, and I suppose I would just say I would be surprised if you didn't, on some level, have some of the same motivations. Or perhaps I just assume that everyone else shares my own failings. After saying that I wouldn't respond at length, I find that I have, and so I suppose under the rules of engagement here, you are entitled to respond to my response. And then, hopefully, we can really put this behind us.

So—I have gone on at length about something I claimed I didn't want to talk about because I have so little information about what I do want to talk about. Here are some facts I have:

1. Rosalind has taken up smoking. Camel Reds—very fashionable.

2. Rosalind has been grounded since she and Sasha sneaked out of Sasha's house during a sleepover a week and a half ago.

3. Rosalind has begun cooking dinner every night, and when I get home from work, I frequently find the TV set to the Food Network. I have no idea what this information means.

4. I don't believe that many boys are calling here, though I have not taken the step of examining the incoming calls on her cell phone. This, by the way, reflects a lack of opportunity on my part rather than any kind of grand principle, as I no longer confiscate her phone the minute she walks in the door.

5. Having said that, I am not a hundred percent sure what she does with her after-school time. Except, as I suggested earlier, the evidence points to Emeril.

Thanks again, and I will continue to let you know what, if anything, I find out. You do the same, and thank you.

—Sean

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Thanksgiving

Hey Ros—I totally forgot when we spoke last night to talk to you about Thanksgiving. As usual, I won't be returning to the family compound in Cincinnati. I am going to attempt the famous Butter-field family jello salad, and I have laid in all kinds of provisions. If you feel like spending the night, I've got some videos which we can watch while eating my famous pumpkin pie. Anyway, I know that the holidays are a tough time—already I feel a certain amount of sadness about the fact that we won't have your moms here for Thanksgiving, but I know that you and I can get through it together.

Love,

Karen

Dear Fluffy:

Well, I appear to have a bit of a conundrum here, or possibly I am impaled on the horns of the dilemma. This is why I am still passing English. Actually I haven't told anybody but I might actually get a B because Westerberg stopped me after class again which I hate and was like, look I know you read everything because of what you say in class, if you write me an essay I will give you a B minus even though you haven't done any of the other ones, and I don't know if he can do that but what the hell. I actually kind of liked
To Kill a Mockingbird
even though I was crying at the end like Sean or anyway some female dork with the kids and their dad all “Thank you for my children Arthur.” But anyway I am thinking about writing the stupid essay like I said so I can not hear any more bullshit about how I'm failing everything we're so worried about you do you need a theraputic setting.

But anyway I was talking about my conundrum which is now I have two people expecting me for Thanksgiving and I don't really want to see either one of them but I have to pick one and then hurt the other one's feelings. At least Grandma isn't expecting me in Tampa and who knows whatever happened to Uncle Mike. If I stay here I will more than likely have Sean still going all googly about cooking, which he's been getting better about but whatever. Lisa says he is just happy that I am showing some interest in something that is not getting wasted or whatever but it's not like I am really that interested, I just like the way I can just kind of forget about myself for a few minutes while I am thinking about what to stir or chop or whatever, even though that risotto I tried to make was crunchy. But I don't know, Sean is all excited like I am going to be this master chef or whatever.

So if I stay here I will get/have to cook, which I don't know how I feel about that. But also I think it will be sad and weird because Thanksgiving was always such a big deal with like every gay person who doesn't talk to their family within a five-mile radius in the house, and either way it's not going to be like that.

But at least if I am at Karen's it will be kind of normal because she was always there so it will be like okay this is a little bit of what it used to be. But then again you can tell she's gonna get all weepy like she does practically every time I see her and we're gonna have to cry about how we miss Sandy and Eva so much, boo-hoo and so there won't be any way to pretend that this is my new life or whatever, it will just be like I have this fucked up old life even though the fucked up part is my new life and I don't even really know what I am saying.

I hate feeling like they both want something from me, like Sean is like, make my pathetic life complete and Karen is like, help me remember my best friends and I don't want to help anybody do anything because I am not doing such a shit hot job of helping myself these days, even though I guess I do have a real friend in Kate, I mean she has been e-mailing and calling which Jen never did and Jen is now like skipping school to hang out with the record store guy and whatever which means we see her only like twice a week and she always has forty-eleven CDs of like some new Polish punk band or whatever.

Kate burned me this metal CD which I didn't really like the first time I listened to it but I did appreciate it because except for when Sasha and Kristen came up all crying going we care about you I haven't had that much feeling like somebody cares about me and I know it takes five minutes to make a CD but at least you know somebody was spending five minutes thinking about you.

I don't know I don't know I don't have to make a decision about that right now or maybe even ever so stop asking.

But I do have to decide where to go to Thanksgiving and I guess Karen will probably die or something if she has to spend it by herself and Sean is probably used to it so I guess I will go there but I actually do feel kind of bad for him but don't tell him because I have an image to protect, ha-ha.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Tofurky Day

Hey Sean. I am sorry to report that I think I am going to have Thanksgiving with Karen. It's actually nothing personal and it's not like I hate you or anything even though I think I did say that when you grounded me, but you know I was just mad and also drunk. (and by the way, am I ever getting un-grounded? I am just wondering) It's just that I had Thanksgiving with Karen for as long as I remember, and I would just feel weird telling her no. Sorry again but if you save the Tofurky maybe we can have it on Friday and it will be like two Thanksgivings or something.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: I'm a loser, baby

… so why don't you kill me. Well, in answer to your question about what our Thanksgiving plans are, I suppose we currently have divergent plans. Which is to say that Rosalind is going to spend Thanksgiving with her “aunt” Karen, who, as we know, is not an actual aunt, not that I am entertaining any resentment or bitterness.

And yes, that is obviously a lie. I feel bitter and resentful, and, as a nice bonus, I feel guilty for feeling that way because it reminds me that I did have selfish motives for initiating this whole parenthood thing, which is to say that I thought I would no longer have to spend Thanksgiving either alone or in the company of my father, which amounts to much the same thing and nearly always involves some sort of Hungry Man turkey dinner, which is so pathetic it makes me cringe.

So there you are. Rosalind is spending an important holiday with someone who has been important to her for her entire life, and this not only reminds me that I expected Rosalind to fill a hole in my life, but also that I have a long way to go before I get to the place where we have a relationship as real as the one she has with Karen. Or perhaps that will never happen. Perhaps she will leave for college—unlikely with her current grades, but let's assume she pulls it together at some point—and just never look back, and think occasionally of the strange four years she spent with that pathetic man trying to be her father.

I am sorry to be indulging in a pretty serious pity party—indeed, I think this might qualify as a pity bender—but I am trying my best to mask my disappointment in front of Rosalind, as I don't want to be imposing my needs on her when she has all she can do to keep herself afloat at this juncture.

I will end with some positive news, which is that I got a call from her English teacher, who praised at length her intelligence and insight and said that she wrote a fantastic essay on
To Kill a Mockingbird
. I was delighted to hear that it was fantastic, but I was ecstatic to hear that she had actually bothered to write an essay at all. So perhaps she is getting better.

Now if only I could do the same.

—Sean

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Thanksgiving

Hello there. Well Rosalind informs me that she will be joining you for Thanksgiving. I had a brainstorm, which might be a bad idea, but I did think I might run it by you. Perhaps the three of us could spend the holiday together.

I recognize that you and I are not exactly, or even inexactly, friends, and indeed would probably never speak but for Rosalind, but we do, as we've discussed, both care for her, and so I suppose in some expansive definition that makes us like a family.

(Indeed, if you and I could both get drunk and start yelling vulgar epithets at each other, it would be much like an actual family Thanksgiving at Grandmother Cassidy's house that I remember all too keenly.)

In any case, I appreciate that Sandy and Eva's absence will be especially glaring during this holiday season, and I certainly understand if you feel that the two of you need some time alone, but please consider my offer.

Thanks,

Sean

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Thanksgiving

Sean—

Even though I am pretty sure I never met your grandmother, I am also sure I went to the exact same Thanksgiving dinner when I was young. Was yours in Cincinnati? Did Uncle Jack throw a punch at Uncle Rob?

In any case, I do appreciate what you are saying about how we are stuck with each other. (You put it more nicely than that, but I obviously don't have your talent for euphemism.) I do think, however, that it's important for Rosalind and me to be together and share our sadness this Thanksgiving. Thanks for your understanding.

—Karen

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Loser part 2

So immediately after sending you the pity bender e-mail, I sent one to Karen, pathetically begging her to allow me to share their Thanksgiving dinner, because apparently I do not have even a shred of dignity.

And she turned me down, making me feel like even more of a loser. I telephoned every homeless shelter in town and found that they all have full staffs of volunteers for Thanksgiving, so I cannot even take that route to dodge the reality of my solitary Thanksgiving.

I suppose I could go to Philadelphia, but I am not quite emotionally prepared to face that alone. I am trying, instead, to look at this as an opportunity to rest up and regroup. That is to say, Rosalind will be Karen's responsibility for the night, so I will be able to exhale, relax, and watch football without fear of John Madden bringing up the sensitive subject of turduckens.

So there you have it. Did I mention that I will be dining on Tofurky? I suppose I could still snag the bachelor-size Butterball, but I feel like I've already spent the money on the complete Tofurky dinner, so I may as well enjoy, or at least consume it.

I hope you have a nice relaxing vacation and get lots of papers corrected … oh, wait, never mind.

—Sean

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Loser part 2

Ah, the old gym teacher joke. Feelin' like a loser, so make fun of the gym teacher. (You know I am actually making my students this year do a WRITTEN fitness evaluation, with lots of data from various activities they're doing over the course of the semester.) Ah, you sucked me in, you bastard.

Anyway, the bottom line is that Thanksgiving is just a day, and you are going to have lots of days with her, and you'll be able to eat all the gross vegetarian food you want, and I do think that this time is going to be important to her, and she won't look at you like some foster home she used to live in.

But you know that, anyway. So enjoy the football, and I am glad to hear you're taking a break, because you need it. You also need a date, my friend. It's been a while since you hit the magical six-month barrier with, what the hell was her name? Oh, right, right, Jan, trying to date the entire Brady Bunch, pathetic sitcom fixation, right right.