Donorboy (10 page)

—Sean

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: what happens next

Nothing yet. I will let you know.

—R

IM from Sashutup

Sashutup: HOWRU? RU XPLED?

Rosalind90: HEY. NT XPLED!

Sashutup: IM GLAD

Rosalind90: ME2.

Sashutup: PEOPLE R TALKING ABOUT U

Rosalind90: FUCKEM. BUT WHAT R THEY SAYIN?

Sashutup: UVE LOST IT SYCO, BLAH BLAH

Rosalind90: FUCKEM AGAIN. I LOST IT BUT IM NOT SYCO

Sashutup: I TOLD JENNYM THAT ID BREAK HER NOSE 2 IF SHE DIDNT SHUTUP.

Rosalind90: URA TRU FRND. BUT JENNYM MIGHT LIKE A BROKN NOSE CUZ SHE COULD GET THE NOSE JOB SHE NEEDS SO BAD.

Sashutup:

Sashutup: I MISS U. WANNA COME OVER?

Rosalind90: YEAH BUT I PROMISED DONORBOY TO DO SOME DORKY HIKNG OR SOMETHING.
NEXT WKND?

Sashutup: OK.IL ASK MOM.CU

Rosalind90: CU!

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Thanks for coming up

Hey there. I just wanted to say thanks for coming up and how much I enjoyed meeting Rosalind. Not that she said two words to me, but Max is apparently deeply in love with her. Ever since you left he's been asking when Sean and Rosalind are coming again, can we go down and see Sean and Rosalind, maybe Sean and Rosalind can come for Thanksgiving, etc. So she made quite an impression on him. Hopefully she didn't teach him to smoke or anything. That's a joke. So do you think the trip accomplished the bonding you had hoped? Or was it just a walk on the beach? In any case, it was great to see you. Let's not wait so long next time.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Thanks for coming up

Well, I am not certain if the requisite bonding was accomplished or not. That is to say, we did actually talk in the car, at least on the way up, mostly so she could criticize the music I was playing, though we seem to have found some common ground in the Donnas. Though this too caused me to get all uptight about my parenting failure. Should I be commenting that I don't think a song like “Take Me to the Backseat” really expresses a healthy attitude toward sexuality? Should I tell her that female empowerment doesn't necessarily mean hard-partying sleaze? Or should I just roll the windows down and turn the volume up?

Guess which option I chose.

She was silent and sullen all the way home. You would be very proud of me—I managed not to ask her what she was thinking, or how she was doing, or anything. So I suppose that was a positive, though of course when I fail to get in her face I worry that I am being the kind of father my dad was. Ah, that exquisite fear and guilt mélange again.

In any case, it wasn't horrible, she spoke for half the trip, she hung out with Max without punching him, so I suppose we have to count it as a success. I also enjoyed it a lot. Not to feed poor Max's unrequited love too much, but perhaps the three of you could come down here for dinner or something sometime.

Well, back to work. Having brought Charlesborough to heel, I now have to take on some charter school that thinks they don't have to do special ed. Talk to you soon,

—Sean

Dear Fluffy:

Corny bonding day with Sean and his dorky friend was okay, I guess, but why do gym teachers always have those gigantic guts? I seriously can't believe that guy teaches gym. And his wife is this good-looking woman just like on commercials where some fat bonehead always has a pretty wife. Well, the world is weird I guess.

His kid was okay. I beat him at Smash Brothers, so I think he thinks I am a goddess which of course I am, ha ha. I got sad at the beach though. Because the great sea is a metaphor for my own tiny insignificance. Ha, no, but maybe if I made some bullshit poem out of that Westerberg would give me extra credit. It just made me miss going to P-town every summer and the beaches there and the sea is still there but Mom and Mommy are gone, and I don't know I guess I thought maybe they took all the beaches with them or something. Plus I probably will never go to P-town with Sean because I just don't think single straight guys go there unless like their gay dad has a house there or something. Anyway who wants to go there without Mom and Mommy anyway.

So I was quiet for a while and I was glad Sean didn't try to talk to me or bring up something serious like “Oh, I notice you are quiet, and so I'd like to talk about why you are failing everything, or maybe you need to open up, or I'm here for you” but luckily like I said he just shut up and played his old-school dork music.

So tomorrow is back to school and it's 11:30 and I am nervous about walking into class again and everything and I wonder if that kid's friends will be mean to me or what. Probably I will start going like five minutes late to Westerberg's class so I can just not see that fuckhead and his fuckhead friends, but then I will be making this big entrance into English class which is not good either. Ladies and Gentlemen, Rosalind the psycho has arrived! Watch your mouth, or she'll rearrange your face! Blah blah blah. Guess I should go to bed but I don't want to because when I go to bed it will make it almost tomorrow but if I stay up it will still be today. Whatever. I am tired of you tonight Fluffy, no offense or anything but maybe I will watch TV.

Dear Fluffy:

Well, school wasn't that bad because as I suspected people are kind of afraid of me and that is cool and I do think the BWP were being extra friendly or respectful or something but maybe I am imagining that. Anyway Jen welcomed me back personally in the hallway, all “I heard that kid made fun of your moms and I'm glad you flattened him,” and so did Kate the Shoplifter, only I should stop calling her that because she has always only been nice to me and so I shouldn't be a bitch and make fun of her even though I'm sorry but she could boost some nice stuff and not just metal shirts. Okay that was mean and from now on I am never making fun of Kate again because like I said she is only ever nice to me and that counts for a lot especially when half of the school is looking at me like I am the psycho bitch from hell.

So, whatever, dorks look at me like they are afraid of me and I don't care even though it does kind of seem funny if you think that at the end of last year I was the last person anybody would ever be afraid of, just another plain flat-chested girl with a headband and way too many freckles, and now I am some badass but I guess I need a Metallica shirt or a Red Chord shirt or whatever Kate is always wearing. I don't think that counts as making fun of her because it's just what she wears.

I did hate lunch though and I don't know what to do about lunch because I do want to be friends with the BWP and also Sasha and Kristen and Sara, well, Sasha and Kristen anyway, I swear to God I am going to kill Sara if she doesn't shut up about how she hates her mom, stupid ungrateful bitch.

So where do I sit at lunchtime, because wherever I sit it's like I am rejecting somebody, so today I just hid in the bathroom and smoked and Jen wasn't there for some reason and nobody else came in except for some skinny girl who looks about twelve who looked really afraid of me which I kind of liked. So that was okay I guess as a solution to the which table problem, except that I was lonely and I didn't get to eat but if you smoke enough you don't really miss the food but it does make you smell.

I guess it's good that I care about hurting people's feelings now, because I actually care about something, which is something that hasn't happened in a while, but mostly it's not that so much as I am just tired of being the alone sad girl and so I don't want to piss anybody off by choosing somebody else because then I'll be the alone sad girl again instead of just the sad girl which I always am anyway, but the only way not to piss people off is to be the alone sad girl. Which counts as a conundrum I guess.

Fuck this anyway. I am too tired to worry about this shit, but then I guess I'm not because my stomach is getting all knotty just thinking about it oh well.

IM from Sashutup

Sashutup: HELLO?

Rosalind90: HELLO. HOW RU?

Sashutup: GOOD BUT IM SORRY BUT I JUST WONDER WHY U DIDN'T SIT W/US TODAY.

Rosalind90: I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO JEN TODAY

Sashutup: RU STILL MY BF?

Rosalind90: YES. I JUST FELT LIKE SITTING THERE TODAY. SOMETIMES WHEN IM SAD I LIKE TO SIT WITH THEM B/C THEY R SAD 2.

Sashutup: WELL I AM THERE 4U

Rosalind90: I KNOW, I JUST WANTED TO SIT OVER THERE TODAY. IM STILL COMING OVER SAT ANYWAY IF IM STILL INVITED

Sashutup: OF COURSE UR.

Rosalind90: OK I AM TIRED SO BYE

Sashutup: RU MAD AT ME?

Rosalind90: IM JUST TIRED. GOODNITE.

Dear Fluffy:

I swear to God Sasha is a pain in my ass. “Are you still my BF?” This is why I hate lunch now because today I was smoking with Jen and then she said come on in and have lunch and what am I going to say, no I am afraid that Sasha might be jealous and thinking of somebody who should be afraid they are a lesbian maybe it's not me because it's not like I am her girlfriend or something but she acts like it.

What am I going to do? Where I am I going to eat? I fucking hate this stupid shit fuck fuck fuck. If I have to pick maybe I will pick my nose ha ha. No but what I was going to say is that Jen and Kate never ask me why I didn't want to sit with them if I sit with Sasha and I don't know if it's because they are just more real or if they don't care because they don't like me as much. Maybe I will sit by myself and see who sits with me. Who cares anyway I guess if somebody is going to disown me over lunch then fuck them, but on the other hand it's not like I have so many friends that I can afford to lose any, especially since my family is now short one teacher and one dentist as Sean might say and I am sorry Mom but I think I would kill myself if I had to do either one of those things and like Sean says you are not going to look down and smile at me so maybe that is what his story means, that you just have to do whatever because somebody who is dead can't be proud of you.