Don't Explain (11 page)

Through a haze of tears Caitlyn looked over at Michael who was watching
her with an intensity that made her even less at ease. She wished he would just
go away. She didn’t want to have this break down in front of him.

She rubbed her forearm lightly and looked at the large burgundy spot
where cream should be. He stood up and crossed the room looking at her with
assessing eyes as he walked.

“Did you burn yourself?” he chided.

“No… no. It's nothing,” she softly said in a monotonous tone, moving her
arm behind her back.

“It doesn't look good. Let me see.” He held out his hand, and she
reluctantly placed her arm in it.

“When are you leaving?” she asked.

“I was thinking on Wednesday morning.” Her heart dropped. Would he expect
her to keep sleeping with him? Could she do that knowing he was leaving? “For
now, I need to look at this.” He tenderly rotated her arm in his hands and
began examining it. “I think we should take you to a doctor. This needs to be
taken care of.”

“I have to work right now. We'll see when I am done.” She pulled her arm
out of his hand and held it against her stomach.

“Then I will have to fix you up here. Run your arm under cool water. I'll
be back in a few minutes.” He turned and left.

The soft sound of Louis's forlorn trumpet buzzed from the speakers
overhead, and Caitlyn began to hum the sad tune to herself. She sat on the
small stool that was behind the counter, put her arm under the cool tap water,
and cried. She allowed herself to feel the pain of a broken heart for just a
moment before she pulled herself together. Whether she meant to or not, she had
fallen for Michael Fitzgerald again, and though it wasn’t for as long this
time, it hurt more. A lot more.

Forcefully, she wiped the salty residue from her face and began cleaning
herself up. She was not this whining, sobbing creature, and it was time that
she pull herself together. This was a mistake, she rationalized, one from which
she could learn.

#

Michael rushed into the shop about ten minutes after he left and found Caitlyn
playing checkers and laughing with an old man. Caitlyn fidgeted with the white
washcloth that draped over her burn but didn't seem to notice that she was
doing so. Michael wondered about this rapid change of mood but ignored it
because he was happy to see her smiling again even if it wasn’t at him. The
creaking of the wood floor alerted Caitlyn to his presence, and she got up
quickly.

“I didn't hear the bell. You got back here quickly. What do you have to
do to make it so that I can avoid a trip to the hospital?” She smiled, but it
wasn’t genuine.

“You were always clumsy, Murph, but this is getting a little ridiculous.”
Michael smiled with one side of his mouth. At any moment, this could change
again. She was like a Magic Eight Ball—give her a good shake and the outcome was
unpredictable.

Admittedly, he had given her several good shakes the last few days.

“It's a good thing I have been around to patch you up. What are you going
to do when I'm not…” his voice trailed. He’d meant it innocently, but he shook
the Eight Ball again.

“I wouldn't be getting hurt if you weren't here.” Her tone was biting,
and Michael felt his stomach twist when she pointed it out.

Motioning her to follow him behind the counter, he grabbed a chair and
began setting up a small treatment area. He put a paper bag on the edge of the
small sink and pulled out a pair of white latex gloves, which he snapped onto
his hands moments later. He dove into the bag again and pulled out a roll of
gauze, some medical tape, a cotton-tipped applicator, and some aloe vera gel. Caitlyn
slowly made her way to his work space and flopped down on the stool that was
now across from him. Holding out her arm, she let out a sigh of discontent and
irritation. Michael took the sigh as though he was the annoyance. She had every
right to feel that way. He didn’t want her to feel like he had used her to get
his rocks off while getting over Margaret. He didn’t plan to hurt her; he
didn’t want to hurt her at all. While for many years she had been nothing but a
distant memory, he always cared about her.

He briefly examined the skin. It was pink and a few small blisters were
forming. After applying the aloe to the cotton-tipped applicator, he grazed it
along the burn. Caitlyn cringed in pain and looked away from the spot. It was a
little worse than a sunburn, but it would sting to the touch. He threw the applicator
away and unrolled the gauze. As he was wrapping her arm loosely in the gauze,
he whispered to Caitlyn, “I'm sorry.”

Before he could continue, she interrupted him, “It was an accident. You
didn't burn me. I just wasn't paying attention.” Her eyes and voice were
distant. The literal meaning of her words hit him figuratively. This was an
accident. He would have hurt her less if he’d gone with his gut the when he
first saw her and took off. He wondered if his rationalization to come back was
actually the work of his penis, and if he wasn’t the good guy he thought he
was.

He grabbed her gaze with his, “This is hard for me too, you know, but I
have responsibilities. I can't just abandon ship because of one bad day there
and a few great days here.” His head fell heavily, and he finished dressing her
wound.

“Thanks,” she said distantly when he had finished.

The bell above the door rang and Caitlyn smiled and waved at the old man
as he left. He used to make her smile. Now she would barely look at him.

Michael pulled his gloves off by the fingertips and responded with a
shrug. “It's my job.” He hesitated, but then said, “I think you should come
back with me for a few days. Take a vacation. Stay with me for a week. I don’t
want this to be the end.”

Caitlyn shook her head, “I can’t leave right now, not when I am just
getting started. I’m floundering as it is. I can’t just ditch it for a week
right now and hope when I get back I have customers.”

“I guess not.” Michael sighed. “I have to go do some stuff. Do you want
to do something for dinner? I can make something, or we can go out.”

“I guess.”

“I'll see you when you get home then?”

Caitlyn didn’t look at him. “I think it would be better if you stayed in
the motel.”

Michael’s chest ached, and he knew that she was going to shut down on him.
“Fair enough. Can I pick you up then?”

“Fine.” Caitlyn sat staring hopelessly at the door, and Michael turned to
leave. The coffee shop was empty, and it was only noon. But as he stepped on
out into the parking lot, she closed the door and clicked the deadbolt into
place. He watched as she closed the blinds, closing him out completely. He had
no idea how he was going to make this right, if that was even possible.

The day had passed and Caitlyn successfully dodged all of Michael's
attempts to contact her. At first she thought that she could get over it, and
they could continue on as before until he left, but the thought of that crushed
her. Instead, she decided that she wanted to leave their momentary relationship
where it was and not move forward, standstill, or recap what had happened with
him. He was going to go back to Sacramento, and at this point she mostly wanted
him to go back.

Caitlyn noticed after she got home that Michael had called her cell phone
and left a message. He wanted to talk to her and make sure that she understood
what was really going on. Caitlyn was positive that she had clearly received
his intentions, so she deleted the message without a second thought.

That evening he came to her house, but she didn't answer the door.
Instead, she locked herself in the bathroom and took a shower, partially to
distract her from her thoughts and partially to keep herself from letting him
in.

After an hour long alternating hot-cold shower, she was pretty sure he
was gone. So, she dried her hair, got dressed and walked three doors down to
Alexis’s house. While her pride was profound, her sadness was more so, and she
needed a friend. Alexis let her in immediately and poured two glasses of wine.
She listened to Caitlyn fill her in on what she had missed and occasionally
threw in a “that bastard” or “what an asshole” for good measure.

Even though the tapping of Alexis’s foot and kneading of her hands told
Caitlyn that she really wanted to let loose with an “I told you so,” she never
passed judgment.

Caitlyn admitted that Michael was her first love and, until recently, an
undeclared love.

“You have a right to be upset, especially since Michael knew that you’d
been in love with him. It’s no wonder you’re such a prude. The only man you
ever loved showed no interest in you sexually. Well, I mean until now.”

Caitlyn didn’t really buy it. She’d had sex with other men. “It’s not
that I don’t think men want me—though they’re not as forthcoming with their
desire to be with me as they are with you. It’s just that I don’t really have a
desire to be desired by them.”

Alexis smacked her hand down on her breakfast bar, startling Caitlyn who
nearly spit the sip of wine she had just taken on her friend. “Holy shit. You
were in love with him the whole time weren’t you?”

Caitlyn gulped down the wine in her mouth. “I hadn’t thought about him
for years until he showed up.”

Alexis shook her head vigorously, “No, it doesn’t matter. You were
totally in love with him the whole time. There’s nothing else that could
explain it.”

“Explain what?” Caitlyn didn’t really want to hear Alexis’s crazy idea,
but she might as well indulge her since Alexis was going to tell her anyway.
Caitlyn chose not to hear most of what Alexis was saying; she was mostly there
to spill her guts and be pitied.

Alexis instead tried to reason with Caitlyn. “Why you would hang your hat
on a few days and a couple of nights for your eternal happiness? Most women
don’t realize that depending on a man for lasting happiness is a mistake, but
you weren’t like most women. Not until the man you love showed up. Love’s a
little fucker. Men are good for only a few things, and love isn’t one of them.”

Caitlyn stopped her before Alexis went into too much detail on what she
thought men were actually good for. “It doesn’t matter now. I’m done with him.
He’s gone the day after tomorrow, and then I won’t even have to bother with
trying to avoid him.”

“It’s not that simple. Once you fall in love,” Alexis gagged a little at
the last word, “it hurts like a bitch for a long time.”

Caitlyn took a sip of her wine and then shrugged. “I guess you’re right.
I mean look at you.”

Alexis’s mouth fell open, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Caitlyn didn’t answer her. She knew that Alexis knew she was talking
about Frank, Alexis’s ex-fiancé, who left her with a large sum of nonrefundable
deposits and a broken heart two weeks before they were supposed to get married.

Caitlyn didn’t know her at the time, but she did know that Alexis had not
even considered a serious relationship since. Alexis had declared war on love,
triumphing when people got divorced or broke up. Alexis was obviously toning it
way down for Caitlyn.

Frank was the easiest way to shut Alexis up.

“It’s getting late. I better go.”

“It’s only 8:00.”

“I left the shop a mess and will have to go in early.” Caitlyn didn’t
stay at the coffee shop for much longer after Michael left. Her usual muffin
making, sweeping, and mopping went undone. She figured that she’d better leave
something to wallow in other than her own self-pity.

Both women stood, and Alexis walked over to Caitlyn and hugged her
tightly. “If you need anything, call me.”

Caitlyn gave a half-hearted smile. “I promise.”

“Want to borrow my Taser?”

“I’ll be alright,” she laughed. “I doubt he’ll attack me.”

“He doesn’t have to attack you.” Alexis let go of Caitlyn and walked her
to the door. “You might just want to light his ass up for fun.”

Caitlyn walked home as quickly as she could. Her ankle was feeling much
better, especially in comparison to her burn, but she was still limping a
little bit. She made sure that all of her ringers were on silent before she
crawled into bed, in case he should attempt to call again.

To her surprise, and dismay, when she checked in the morning she had no
missed calls on any of her lines.

She slogged through her morning routine, feeling even more rejected than
she had the previous day. She now assumed that she wasn't worth the fight. Deep
down she hoped that he would call several times leaving messages pleading her
to forgive him. Michael, however, was not one to plead in multiple attempts,
and she knew this, but her wild fancies were not as easily swayed. She imagined
that he slept on her front porch all night waiting for her to come out in the
morning, but a brief inspection out her front window upon waking quickly eradicated
this daydream from her mind.

Caitlyn felt stupider and more unworthy than the college freshman ogling
the young man asking her for soap. She thought that she had matured beyond
these childish fantasies and accepted her fate. Recent events had taught her
that, given the opportunity, the fantasies immediately began stirring again. Love
or not.