Don't Explain (6 page)

She contemplated pulling her hair back down and drying it or doing a more
complete job on her makeup, but a quick glance at her watch told her that this
was as good as it was going to get this morning.

It didn't really matter to her anyway. She already blew her chance.
Anyone else that came into her coffee shop would require no more from her than
her ability to steam milk and float it on top of espresso, and even her best
friend wasn’t that picky.

 She stretched her arms through her grey sweater jacket, tied the sash
around her waist, and headed out of the door.

She walked down the craggy dirt path to Main Street. The morning was
quiet, and she could hear the crunching of the dirt and leaves under her
sneakers. As she walked she would occasionally twist the ball of her foot into
the dirt to hear and feel the grit of the outdoors. The dew smelled sweet in
the brisk morning air. Her cheeks turned rosy from the chill, and she hugged
herself while walking the mile to her cafe.

She was betting that Michael would be gone. Just like that. He didn’t owe
her anything, and while they were friendly, could they be friends again after
last night? After ten years of nothing? But she didn’t want him to go away. He’s
the only guy who ever really cared about her. Who didn’t just see her as some
kind of conquest. She had been hurt before by guys who only wanted sex, and
when she wasn’t willing to give it freely, they booked it to a girl who would.

 She touched her upper lip to her nose as she sniffled and felt its cold
tip; a chill ran through her body as she turned the key and heard the steel
deadbolt grating against the jamb. She turned the metal knob and pushed the
door forcefully with her shoulder to open it. Turning to lock the door behind
her, Caitlyn felt a strange tingling running through her veins. Today, she
thought, needs to be over as soon as possible.

The first thing she did every morning was plug her MP3 player into the
stereo to play the soothing melodies of the jazz greats. The soft sound of
Billie’s voice filled the silence of the empty room.

She turned on all the lights, lit the wood stove in the middle of the
room, started brewing the coffee, and took the chairs down from the tables. She
slid the muffin pans into the oven; she always prepared the batter the day
before, so that she wouldn't have to get up even earlier. An acrid fragrance
filled the small shop as the American brew dripped into the tall urn.

She tried to focus all of her attention on the little things, the menial
tasks, and not the kiss. Not the warmth of his body pushed against hers or the
strength of his hand on the small of her back.

Caitlyn shook her head. No.

A light rapping on the window startled her. Caitlyn walked over to the
door to let Alexis in.

“You’re early.”

“With good reason. Make me a latte.”

The gurgle and puff of the espresso machine soothed her as the extracted
liquid cascaded into the small mug beneath it, and the milk foamed in the metal
container in her hands. She slowly moved it down diagonally creating a thick
foam along the top until the nozzle was completely exposed. She poured the deep
brown liquid into the bottom of a clear glass mug and then poured a layer of
milk on top. She spooned on foam to finish the beverage and then handed it to
Alexis.

“Here.” Alexis placed a fifty dollar bill on the counter. “The change is
your tip.”

Caitlyn narrowed her eyes at her friend and crossed her arms under her
breasts. “I don’t take handouts.”

A smile crossed Alexis’s lips as she lowered the mug from her mouth.
“Your coffee is worth fifty bucks to me. I’ll pay more if it means you didn’t waste
your summer vacation painting walls, sanding and varnishing floors, and moving
furniture. You work too damn hard.”

Caitlyn wiped the counter. Sure, she worked hard at everything except a
social life.

“So?”

“So what?” but Caitlyn knew. She wanted all of the little details. “I
told you everything to tell.”

“So are you off your man strike? Kiss this guy move on to the next. We
could go to a bar tonight.”

“I wasn’t on a ‘man strike.’ Do you not remember the last time we went to
Boston? All the guys flocked to you, and I was stuck with Greasy Gary. If guys
like that are my fate, can you blame me for taking myself off the market?”
Caitlyn shuddered at the thought of the guy who still wore a name tag and
smelled of sweat. “Besides, this is different.”

Alexis stood up straight and looked directly into Caitlyn’s eyes. “How is
this different?”

“We’re friends. That’s all.” Caitlyn bit her lip and broke her friend’s
gaze.

“Liar. I can’t believe you just looked into my eyes and lied to me.”
Alexis set her mug on the counter with a thud. “I should take my money back.
This is not what I paid for.”

Caitlyn put her hands on her hips. “You paid for the coffee.”

“And the gossip. If you’re not going to spill about your life, I’ll find
someone in this town that will.” Alexis grabbed her purse, which she had set
down on the counter, and turned to leave.

Caitlyn drew in a choppy breath. “Friends is our only option. He lives in
Sacramento. The kiss was nothing. It could have been something, but I stopped
it. I don’t know if I’ll see him again.”

Alexis put her purse back on the counter. “You could’ve had sex with him?
You have to see him again. Don’t you want to know what it would be like after
all those years of pining after him? You have to get him out of your system, so
we can go out and have some fun.”

Caitlyn bit her thumbnail. “I want to see him again, but…”

“No butts. Go get him.” Alexis walked behind the counter and grabbed the
extra apron that was hanging on a hook behind the counter. “I’ll watch the shop
while you’re gone.”

 Caitlyn paced behind the counter. “I don’t know where he’s staying. I
don’t have a car.”

“Stop making excuses.” Alexis dug into her purse and grabbed her keys.
“There’s only one motel in this town, and I bet Peggy will tell you which room
he’s in and what time his light went out. Take the Porsche.”

“You’re going to let me drive the Porsche?” Caitlyn asked as she took off
her apron.

“If it gets you laid, hell yes.”

#

Michael awoke that afternoon just before one o'clock. He jumped out of
the bed as though he were late, but once he realized that he was in a crummy
motel room, his pulse gradually slowed. He stretched his arms above his head
and closed his eyes. When they reopened, he noticed that a piece of paper had
been shoved under the door. The paper was bunched up and slightly torn after
being jammed through the weather stripping. He opened the door to retrieve the
message in order not to rip it completely. When he unfolded it he saw written
in a familiar print-script combination: “Michael: Come to the shop at three.
Bring your boots. Caitlyn.”

Maybe he hadn’t completely screwed this up.

Caitlyn wheezed a little bit as she moved up the trail. She had not hiked
in a while, and as they neared the top of the mountain, the thin air worked
against her.

The hike up Wachusett Mountain was fairly easy, and fall was the best
time to make the journey. The cool temperatures were comfortable for the
majority of the hike and carrying a light jacket for the chilly temperatures at
the pinnacle was not as bothersome as hiking in the humid summers. The foliage
had begun to change its color, and the sights were breathtaking.

Caitlyn had thought when she moved back to the state that she would hike
all the time. This, however, was only the third time her hiking boots had been
laced to her feet since she bought them eight years ago. She and Michael had
hiked almost every weekend when they lived in Tucson, but the scenery bored Caitlyn,
especially nearing the end. Prickly pear and mesquite trees were not her ideal
surroundings.

They didn't talk much on the way up the mountain. They walked single file
rather than side-by-side, and neither dared to bring up the events of the
previous evening. Caitlyn knew that the hike would allow her to convert her
feelings into the energy it took to climb the mountain.

While she knew the best thing that she could do for him right now was to be
a friend, she occasionally would look up at him and shudder at the sight of his
hard body. Secretly, she hoped that despite having a night to rest and reflect,
he would still want her as much as the previous day. If nothing else, he could
blow off some steam. She could feel he was carrying a lot of stress the night
before.

When they reached the top, they walked around the peak to see all the
views. From most areas they saw hills of reds, oranges, and yellows, which were
also reflected in the reservoirs. At one point, in the distance they could see
the faint outline of Boston, though it was very difficult to catch a glimpse
through the haze. They wasted some quarters in the viewfinders, but the scene
was more beautiful taken in all at once.

After a while, Caitlyn sat down on a bench and started digging through
her knapsack. She pulled out two turkey, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches, a bag
of apple slices, and two bottles of water. She gestured with her head for
Michael to take a seat next to her as she handed him a sandwich.

“Had I known all of this was in your pack I would have carried it for
you.”

Caitlyn grunted at the thought that she was too weak to carry a couple of
sandwiches.

“It's beautiful out here,” he said, entranced by the landscape. “It's a
lot different than the west. I can see why you wanted to come back here.”

“I ended up here because I was too afraid to try anything new. Arizona
was more trouble than it was worth to me,” she admitted. “I do like it here, though.
It is a part of me that I can't seem to let go of. Unless my mother drives me
away, I doubt that I will ever leave for an extended period of time again.”

“How is Cat?”

“She’s a pain in the ass.”

Michael laughed. Caitlyn had only introduced him to her mother and father
once during Family Weekend the fall of their freshman year. It was exactly long
enough for Cat to insult Michael on everything from his hair to his choice of
major, and her mother didn’t dislike him. That didn’t happen until Michael
didn’t come to Caitlyn’s father’s funeral in the fall of their junior year. He
wanted to go, but his teachers were less accommodating than Caitlyn’s, and one
threatened to fail him if he didn’t show up for class. The fact that Caitlyn’s
best friend didn’t show up to her father’s funeral was not acceptable to
Catherine Murphy.

Michael stared out at the skyline. “I could see not leaving here.” He
paused. “I don't know if this vacation is going to cut it. I feel like I need
something new. Some place relaxing.” His revelation startled Caitlyn. She had
always seen Michael as a hustle-and-bustle type who took brief retreats in
nature.

“I don't see you moving here. You’re in your element in Sacramento. I don't
think you could give that up so quickly,” she admitted frankly.

“So you
are
trying to get rid of me. I thought you might be after
last night. I'll go away on my own. You don't have to push me down the
mountain.” He flashed a smile that showed that he was joking, but it had
apologetic undertones.

“Last night you were overloaded by what was going on in your life. We had
a moment of faux intimacy. A rebound kiss. It isn't anything that should
prevent us from being friends. It just shows what good friends we are.” She
shook her head knowing that what she had just said sounded incredibly childish
and was a half lie. She let out a brief, breathy laugh. She was unsure of why
she had just passed off one of the most anticipated and intimate moments of her
life as proof of their platonic friendship. A friendship, she remembered, proven
unable to withstand time and distance. After a few moments she asked, “You
ready to head back down the hill?”

“Let's do it.” He half hid a smile. They walked their trash over to the
nearest receptacle, and then headed to the trail. The walk down was as quiet as
the walk up, but the overall mood was lighter.

They had travelled for a mile in peace when Caitlyn placed her foot on a
loose rock. She lost her balance and swung her arms in circles to try and
regain her footing, but she failed. Her butt hit the cold, hard ground with a
thud. The leaves slipped all around her and she slid down the incline of the
mountain past Michael. Her right foot jammed against a boulder, and it bent
upward slightly.

Caitlyn yelped in pain, closed her eyes, and scrunched her nose. She took
a deep breath and opened her eyes again. Michael rushed down to her and knelt
beside her, asking questions that she couldn't hear through the screaming pain.
She slowly lifted her hands and looked at them; they were scraped from fingertip
to wrist and filled with dark soil from dragging her hands behind her as she
skidded down the mountain. Tears began pooling in the corners of her eyes. She
looked at Michael and breathily whispered, “I'm okay.” If she talked any louder
she would have broken down crying.

She lifted herself off the ground, grimacing. Her hands stung as they dug
into the ground. The moment she placed weight on her right foot she fell
limply. Michael caught hold of her left elbow to keep her from hitting the
earth. She leaned against the boulder that had twisted her foot and let out a
pained sigh. A tear glided down her left cheek, another immediately followed on
the right. She looked to the sky hoping to hold back the rest.