Don't Explain (2 page)

“Listen it's really great to see you Caitlyn, but I'm just passing
through, and I need a quick breakfast.” His voice was shaking, he tapped the
counter quickly with his thumb, and he still wouldn’t look at her. Obviously,
he was lying. If there was one thing that Michael could not do properly, it was
lie.

“Right. Of course.”

There was no use in trying to drag information out of someone who
obviously didn’t want to talk to her. Caitlyn went to work, but she fumbled
through the simple order because she couldn't stop looking up. Ten years had
treated him well physically, but the asshole who wouldn’t even look at her
wasn’t the guy she knew in college.

Michael tapped his foot impatiently. When she placed the beverage and
muffin box in front of him, he thanked her, grabbed them, and hurried out of
the shop.

Her voice trailed after him, “You're welcome.”

Alexis rushed up to the counter. “You know him?” she asked.

“Not anymore.”

When Michael got outside he took a deep breath. He wondered what the
chances were that he would run into someone he knew all the way across the
country in the smallest town he could find. The last thing that he needed right
now was an interrogation from a lost friend. Margaret had made him weak, and he
didn't like people seeing him when he was weak. He slid into the Jaguar and
started the engine, gripping the steering wheel hard until the knuckles on his hands
turned white. After throwing the car into gear, he headed back to the motel.

Reality wasn’t something he wanted to face yet. He wasn’t a coward. He
just needed a vacation, so he jumped on the first plane out of Sacramento in
hopes of going someplace to be anonymous for a few days. Apparently, this
wasn’t the place.

He decided he would pack up his things and leave for another, hopefully
more anonymous, town immediately.

The motel door clicked open, and he flicked on the light. He threw open
the dresser drawers that he had recently filled and started sloppily throwing
his clothes into his suitcase. He hurried around the room checking the closet
and under the bed. He hadn't been there long, but it was late when he arrived, and
he was tired enough then that he wasn't completely sure of where everything had
ended up. After grabbing his bag of toiletries from the bathroom, he stuffed
them into the overflowing bag, pushed in anything hanging over the edge, and
forced the zipper closed. He lifted the bag off of the bed and turned to leave.

The words “Fine and Mellow” printed on the paper coffee cup and muffin
box sitting on the dresser stopped him. Caitlyn had been one of his closest
friends in college, and while they had not spoken in several years, she was one
of the few people he had ever truly trusted. Back then, she took care of him
when he was sick or hung over, and until they were separated by the entirety of
the United States, she knew all of his secrets. If Michael was going to run
into anyone he knew, he was glad it was her. She could help him forget this
mess before he went back to his life. He was always able to distract himself
when Caitlyn was around.

Michael set his bag on the bed and left the motel room without it.

 “Please tell me who he is.” Alexis sat on the cashier's counter watching
Caitlyn as she locked the door and turned the closed sign to face the parking
lot.

Caitlyn turned and glanced at the clock above Alexis’s head. 2:08. The
second hand seemed to trudge through the minute.

“Did you hear that Mary Mueller is growing pot?” Caitlyn tried her best
to distract Alexis with small town gossip. She still hadn’t recovered from the
shock of seeing Michael again for the first time in ten years, and goose bumps
riddled her arms with the mention or passing thought of him. Distracted was
what Caitlyn needed.

“Seriously?” Alexis didn’t take the bait, she was questioning Caitlyn’s
poor attempt at avoiding her plea not Mary Mueller’s extracurricular
activities.

“Really. The Romano’s’ dog dug up her chrysanthemums, and Rebecca said
that she saw the marijuana growing right next to the flowers. She thinks it’s
for her cataracts.”

“Who is he?”

Caitlyn sighed. She had to respond, or Alexis would keep her up all night
until she was satisfied with the answers—fabricated or otherwise. As it was,
Alexis had been glaring at her since Michael left the shop, and she looked like
she was going to explode with curiosity. She had to know exactly who this
stranger was and what his connection was to Caitlyn, and Caitlyn knew it. She
was impressed that Alexis had waited so long to ask.

“Michael Fitzgerald.”

“I don’t care about his name. I want to know who he is.”

“We lived in the same dorm at the U of A.”

“He's gorgeous. Please tell me that you slept with him a least once.”

Most of the time Alexis’s forthrightness and honesty was refreshing to
Caitlyn. Today was an exception.

“No. We were really good friends. That’s all. I wasn’t really his type.”

Alexis shook her head in disappointment.

“I don’t get it. If you guys were really good friends, why did he leave
so quickly?”

Caitlyn grabbed a broom that was leaning against the wall, trying to
figure out the answer.

“Honestly, I have no idea. We were really close all through college. We
met freshman year. Studied together. Took some classes together. He was my best
friend for those four years. The last time I saw Michael we had lunch, hugged,
and said goodbye.”

Caitlyn paused and tried to remember what she could have done that would
make him so cold toward her, but she couldn’t think of any reason he would act
that way.

“In fact, he wanted me to move to California with him, near his med
school. Of course I said no. I had to get back here after my father died to be
at least sort of close to my mother. And you know how I feel about cities.”

Alexis rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. They’re overcrowded and overrated.”

 “Something like that.”

Caitlyn sneered at her friend and then returned to her sweeping. Caitlyn
had longed for the East coast and a small town after college. The university
had made her numb to other people, and the state of Arizona was like some sort
of hell on Earth. It wasn’t so bad the first couple of years, but by the spring
semester of her junior year, she was ready to go home. She convinced herself to
just put her head down and get it over with.

The East was her home, so she had imagined that she would immediately be
comforted by the humidity and seasons, but she had been disillusioned by the
distance and found there was even less privacy in a small, gossiping community.
It was better, though. At least here, she wasn’t surrounded by a group of strangers
wherever she went.

She looked out the window of the front door. She wondered how the world
could look so peaceful here when she knew how chaotic it could be elsewhere.
Even if she did decide to close the coffee shop and do something else, she
wouldn’t give up her small town life.

Plus, she could say she was near her aging mother without actually being
close to her mother.

“Anyway,” Caitlyn continued, “we lost contact like seven years ago. I’d
email him. He’d send a two-line response. I called, but he was always busy. I
stopped trying. We were both busy with our separate lives on opposite sides of
the country. I don’t even know him anymore.”

The opportunities for Michael to take a vacation during med school were
lacking, and after med school she imagined he would probably want to go
somewhere more interesting than Massachusetts. She could have visited him, but
she never went anywhere without a direct invitation, and she had never received
one.

“What are you going to do?” Alexis asked.

Caitlyn shrugged. “There’s nothing to do. He’s gone. I probably won’t
hear from him again.”

She had hoped during the first few years that Michael would come back
into her life, but she finally let go of that hope and chose to forget about
him the best that she could. Now that he had actually shown up in her coffee
shop, she didn’t really want to have him back in her life, especially if he was
going to take one look at her and run.

Alexis let a long breath out of her
mouth. “If he comes back, can I have a stab at him?” Caitlyn’s head shot up and
her eyes narrowed.

Alexis held her hands up in
submission, “Okay, okay. I get it. Tell me how you really feel.”

Caitlyn just ignored her. She dumped her dust pan, grabbed a rag, and
started wiping down the formerly occupied tables, humming along to “Don’t
Explain” as she worked.

“So you did
want
to have sex with him, right? Tell me you tried at
least once to take advantage of a late night study session.”

Caitlyn opened her mouth to tell her that she wished she had, but there
was a quick rapping on the wooden frame of the door. “Sorry, I’m closed for the
day. I've already cleaned the equipment.”  She shook her head and looked at
Alexis. “How come I only get customers when I’m closed?”

Alexis jumped down from the counter. “Hey, I'm going to take off.”

 Caitlyn looked up at her and saw Alexis's eyes were wide and that she
was fiercely but discreetly pointing in the direction of the door. Caitlyn
turned around, puzzled by her friend's erratic behavior. Her cheeks flushed
when she saw Michael standing behind the glass pane. The brunette bounced across
the room and unlocked the door, letting him in. Over his shoulder she silently
indicated that Caitlyn must call her immediately after she was done there.  

Caitlyn’s heart pounded against her chest, and she was gripping the damp
rag so tightly water dripped on the floor.

“Caitlyn, I’m sorry.” Michael's voice filled her with a warm sensation.

“Forget about it.” She pulled down a chair and offered it to him. Michael
hesitated for a moment and then sat down.

She grabbed a chair for herself and sat across from him. For a few
moments they sat in awkward silence. She nervously offered everything on the
menu, but he declined, smiling at her. Her need to please was strong. She hated
to think that she couldn’t make someone more comfortable.

 “I was incredibly shocked to see you,” he admitted.

“Me too.” She couldn't help but turn into a shy, meek woman. A woman whom
she no longer thought she was. At least, one she hadn’t been since she left
Arizona.

“I acted like a jerk.”

“Yeah, you did.”

He gave her a bright smile. One that several years ago could have
convinced her to do just about anything from skinny dipping to eating half of a
large pizza at Zachary’s, which is equivalent to eating three whole regular
pizza place pizzas. “I came back to see you when I realized it.”

The words overwhelmed Caitlyn, stunning her into a brief silence.
Back
to see you.
The feelings she had for Michael as a young woman flooded her
mind. Inside the sleeves of her sweater her hair stood on end. The nape of her
neck tingled. Her breath became labored, but only she would notice.

“That's okay,” she covered the fib with a smile. “I understand completely.”
She started wiping the table next to her again in anxious embarrassment. It was
less awkward than just sitting there trying not to stare at him. Michael moved
his chair closer to her; the wood floor creaked beneath him, emphasizing the silence.

He moved his body so that he was leaning forward and looking slightly up
at her, trying to grab her gaze. “
Tu m'as manqué
,” he whispered.

His words stopped her repetitive movement. She sighed heavily to release
her tension. “I missed you too.”

They had taken French together in college and would often speak to each
other to practice. It had always made Caitlyn feel a stronger connection
between them. Caitlyn, however, was the only one who felt this connection. They
were good friends, but she had let herself fall totally in love with Michael.

 “What are you doing here?” Caitlyn asked.

Michael drummed his thumb against the table. He knew the question would
come, but he was hoping it would come later. He paused, trying to figure out a
way to avoid responding. After a moment's contemplation, he decided to turn it back
on her.

“Why haven't you called or written in six years?”

His mouth slowly turned thinking he knew the answer. She's beautiful, he
thought as he examined her conspicuously. Her jeans sensually hugged her hips,
and her sweater hung freely from her shoulders, softly embracing her curves.
The t-shirt beneath was loose at her waist but tightened around her breasts. A
few strawberry strands had fallen across her freckled face, and she pushed them
back behind her ear. Her pale eyes wandered from his face to the floor and back.
Finally they froze on his eyes.

“It’s been
seven
years, and it’s because you’re a terrible pen
pal, and you don't slow down enough to have worthwhile phone conversations.” A
bit of resentment accompanied her playful tone. Her eyes dropped to the floor
again.

He felt ashamed and aggressively kneaded his hands. He knew what she said
was true. Med school was a busy time for him; residency was even busier, and struggling
to get his practice off the ground left little time for anything more than
immediacy and proximity. He knew she was a great friend, but his impatience for
long distance relationships of any kind had thwarted all of her attempts to
remain in contact. Watching her sitting there, he knew he had to reconcile.