Don't Explain (3 page)

“Well, I am here now. I want to make it up to you.” He paused and flashed
the sweet smile that he knew generally completely disarmed those around him.

She gave him a slight smile in return. “I thought you were just passing
through?’

“I can stay a little longer. So tell me, why are you working in a coffee
shop? Last I knew you were in Lunenburg teaching English at the high school. What
are you doing here?”

“I asked you first,” she said as she crossed her arms under her breasts
and stared directly into his eyes.

He was stunned by her aggressive forwardness. The Caitlyn he knew in
college was compliant and avoided conflict. She never would have turned this back
around on him. He was impressed.

“I came here to get away.” He hesitated. “I decided that I needed a
vacation, so I took the first flight out of Sacramento and landed in Boston. I
drove around until I got tired and ended up here.”

The omission was necessary; she shouldn't have to deal with his problems.
Showing up in someone’s life only to dump your problems on them was wrong. He
looked down and took a deep breath to prevent himself from crossing an emotional
line.

“Teaching wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I wanted to make a
difference, and all I did was drive myself to the edge. The high school snuffed
out any fire I had left in me. So, this spring I got the idea to open this
coffee shop.” She blurted it out, speaking quickly and without censorship.

“It’s really nice.”

Her cheeks flushed and she smiled. “Thanks, but it better be. The town
was a month away from tearing down this building when I bought it. It was an
old one-room schoolhouse and then a craft shop until the late nineties. I paid
in full for the building, borrowed some money to fix her up and fill her with
stuff. And now it’s Fine and Mellow. I’ve been open for almost three weeks, and
you were my fiftieth sale. So we’ll see how long this lasts.” Caitlyn looked
around and admired her work. She glowed and her eyes were bright until her gaze
met his. Then she wrapped her sweater around herself tightly and bit her lip.

“I think it’s funny you quit your teaching job to open a coffee shop in a
schoolhouse.”

“Everyone does.”

Their gazes met for a moment. Michael’s leg bounced wildly, and he had to
set his hand on his thigh to stop it. He felt that he had fulfilled his
friendship duties for the moment. This back and forth was making him
uncomfortable, and he feared that any more conversation would lead to the thing
he least wanted to talk about.

Besides, he found that he couldn’t stop wondering what she looked like
underneath her t-shirt and jeans. If he was not careful, he would do something
that he would regret. Caitlyn didn’t deserve to be on the other end of angry
rebound sex. He needed a few hours to regain a sense of normalcy. He stood up
quickly, immediately putting his hands in his pockets.

Caitlyn followed his lead and smoothed out her apron.

He looked at her and said, “I have to go, but is there any place where we
can grab dinner tonight?”

He watched her fiddle with the bottom edge of her apron. She bit her lip,
tempting him further.

“De Luca's. It's Italian.”

“Meet me here at 7?”

“Sure.”

“I'll see you then.”

He stepped right in front of her and wrapped his arms around her. Her
fingers ran up his back to complete the embrace, and the softness of her touch
sent a tingle of desire through him. He patted her on the back to try to make
it friendlier and pulled away quickly.

“Bye, Murph.”

“Bye, Fitz,” she said as she opened her eyes and gave a small wave
goodbye.

This is bad, he thought after she closed and locked the door behind him.
I should have stayed away. Caitlyn Murphy was anything but trouble in college.
He practically had to force her into the college experience. Now, without
realizing it, she was going to be nothing but trouble for him. At least he wasn’t
going to be here long. He just needed to cool off.

Caitlyn's emotions overwhelmed her. She couldn't figure out how she felt
about the events of the day. She attempted to work it out on the phone with Alexis
while walking home, but all that her friend could offer were fashion tips and strategies
for seducing Michael. Alexis begged Caitlyn to allow her to come over, but Caitlyn
was resolute in being alone for a while. She wanted to avoid telling Alexis
that she didn't want her help getting ready.

When she got home she attempted to watch television to clear her mind,
but the voices and images only served as a background to her racing thoughts. After
realizing that her distraction was failing, she turned the television off and
started getting ready for her date.

Is it a date? she wondered. She was completely unaware of his intentions
for this encounter. “Encounter” was the word she had finally decided she would
use to label it, but even that felt awkward.

She scrubbed herself hard with a loofah in the shower in an attempt to
get the scent of roasted coffee and baked goods off her skin. Most days it was
okay, even kind of comforting, but today it made her feel homely and unappealing.
She worked the shampoo in her hair into lather and washed and rinsed three
times just to be sure not a trace was left.

Her imagination ran wild, but she dismissed all the scenarios as
ridiculous and farfetched. Reality could never live up to the least fantastical
of her expectations of what the night would bring, so she tried to stop
guessing what would happen.

She applied her makeup twice. The first time she thought it looked too
whorish and figured Alexis could have done a better job. She wanted to do
something subtly dramatic, but it turned out those words are contradictory for
a reason. The second time she did some research on the internet and found
something that was just subtle. Though she was a little disappointed in the
ordinariness, the neutral colors and soft strokes accented her natural beauty.

She went through her closet several times, nervously pulling out and
trying on various outfits from casual to formal. Clothes were piled on her bed
and hangers were strewn across the floor before she found the perfect outfit.

Caitlyn moved back to the living room and sat on the couch. She was ready
three hours early. She tried the television again, and then her go-to novel,
Pride
and Prejudice
; but within moments of an attempt to relax, she was on her
feet pacing the living room and kitchen.

Finally she decided that she would be more content waiting at the coffee
shop, but when she got there she realized that there was nothing to distract
her and all she could do was sit and soak in the whirlpool of her emotions.

First she felt angry. How dare he come in here and discount me so readily,
she thought. He was the one that didn't call me or write me back. He's the one
that showed up at
my
business, in
my
town, on
my
side of
the country. She kneaded her hands apprehensively as she transitioned into
sadness.

It seemed to her that their friendship had not meant much to him. It faded
rather quickly after graduation. She became tired of holding up the
relationship on her own. She felt as though he did not value her, and that was
enough for her to stop trying.

The emotions that hovered above the rest were love and wonder. She
realized that she was angry and sad because she had loved him for so long, and
he had taken that for granted. While she hadn't thought of him and how she had
felt for him for years, the moment he walked through the door the emotion
braided itself into her again. It wasn’t that she loved him again; she didn’t.
But being around someone that she did love for a long time was overwhelming.

Michael had always inspired awe in her. He was humorous and strikingly
handsome. He could have an intelligent and interesting conversation with
anyone, and most that had met him considered him a friend. She never saw these
qualities in herself; plus, she didn't have the courage to attempt intimate connections
with people. At this point in her life she could only think of Alexis as a true
friend.

Fourteen years ago Michael made the first several efforts to construct
the basis for their friendship.

As the time drew closer to Michael's arrival, all of Caitlyn's emotions
were muted by anxiety and fear. She felt sick. Her head ached and her stomach
was turning.

Her thoughts soon turned to excitement, and personal pride, and power. He
didn't know what he was missing, she thought confidently. Now that he's here he
won't be able to resist me. I am remarkable and strong. Caitlyn shook her head
in confusion. When the hell did she become a walking brochure for women’s
empowerment?

Of course he could resist her. They were friends for four years, and
there hadn’t been the slightest indication that he had any interest in her. It
didn’t matter. She didn’t want him anyway. Well, she did want him, but, “Damn
it!” Caitlyn yelled into the empty room. She almost never swore, but if her
thoughts didn’t stop running at a pace that was impossible to keep up with and
exhausting her, she was going to challenge a sailor to a cursing contest.

Caitlyn took a deep breath and pulled her phone out of her clutch.

“Hello?” said a gruff voice.

“Hi, Ma.” If anyone could get her mind to stop racing, it was her mother.
People who didn’t know Cat Murphy well called her a bitch. Everyone else knew
to take what she said with a grain of salt, but when someone is constantly
insulting you, it was difficult.

“Ooh. I’m glad you called. I need you to do me a favor.” This was the
typical beginning of conversations with her.

“What is it?”

“I need you to pick up a prescription. It’s a new one for my bones.
Ortheopeiapoda-something. I don’t remember, but I need it.”

“You realize that I live 45 minutes away, right Ma?”

“I figured you could come visit me tomorrow morning and pick it up on the
way.”

“I have to work. You know that. Maybe on Sunday, but I can’t guarantee
anything.” Caitlyn silently hoped something would come up.

“But I really need those pills, so you need to come tomorrow.”

“I’ll call Mrs. Duncan. She’ll pick up the pills for you.”

“You know that this would be much easier if you moved back to Worcester.
You could have your old room in the house.”

“I’m thirty-three years old. I don’t want to live with my mother.
Besides, I told you before that I am happy here. I don’t want to live in the
city.” Beyond that, it was likely that her mother would put her in an early
grave if Caitlyn lived within 20 minutes of her house.

“But I need the company.” What she needed was the help, but she wasn’t
willing to admit it. That stubborn Irish streak was working against her. Ever
since Caitlyn’s father died, her mother was quickly deteriorating. Caitlyn was
99% sure that her mother only ate things that could be cooked in the microwave.
She wasn’t that old, just over 60, but no one would guess it.

“Did you look at the brochures I gave you? There are all sorts of
activities and social events.”

“You’ve lost your mind if you think that I am going to live in a nursing
home.”

“It’s not a nursing home. It’s a 55+ community.”

“Same thing. You can forget it. Did you call me just to badger me into
living in a dormitory for old people?”

“Nope. Just wanted to say hi.” And to stop her mind from racing, which
she had done successfully.

“You should really call with a purpose. What if I was doing something
important and you interrupted just to say hi?”

“If it’s that important, you probably shouldn’t pick up the phone.”

Headlight beams passed like a spotlight through the front windows of the
shop.

“I gotta go, Ma. I’ll talk to you later.”

“You call about nothing and then just hang up. I didn’t think I raised
such a rude child.”

Caitlyn knew she was just trying to provoke her. “Bye, Ma.” She shoved
the phone back into her purse and looked at the bright lights shining through
the window. She had the impulse to run behind the partition to the back of the
kitchen and hide, ignoring the knocks beckoning her. But it was too late to
back out, and she had to present the façade of the gorgeous, strong woman she
thought she wasn't.

#

De Luca's was a small, family-owned restaurant in the next town over. It
was about ten minutes from the coffee shop. The only sounds during the car ride
were the barely audible music and the low purr of the engine. The Jaguar was
filled with anxious energy. It was awkward for Caitlyn to be around Michael
after a total of ten years apart. While she had hoped everything would just
click back to a feeling of normalcy, the car ride proved that it would not be
that simple.

Caitlyn studied Michael as he maneuvered the curvy, narrow roadway. The
same blue sweater lit up his eyes, but now a white oxford peeked out of the
collar. Black slacks completed his casual, yet formal, look.