Don't Explain (30 page)

 “After I left you, I realized that you were the only guy who had ever
been nice to me. I had to get you back. When I found out that you were moving
across the country, I tried to call you and see you to get you to stay, but you
ignored me. When I found out that you were seeing someone else, I had to do
something to get you back. So I followed you out here and told you I was
pregnant hoping you would leave her and come back to Sacramento. I didn't think
that you would move me across the country.” She began sobbing uncontrollably. “You
were happy without me. You can't be happy without me. I need you.”

“And Rob? How does he play into all of this? Why are you calling him?”

Margaret looked at her hands. “Michael, don’t do this. It’s over between
us. I just needed to get some stuff back.”

Michael ran his fingers through his hair. “What do you mean it’s over?”
He moved back to the chair and sat down. “Were you cheating on me with him?”

Margaret rushed over to him and knelt on the floor. “It’s not like that.
He tricked me and made me think that we were in love. He said he wanted to be
with me forever, so I left you. When he didn’t leave his wife, I realized that
I actually love you, but you were gone. We could be happy now. I could make you
happy. Let’s forget about Rob and Caitlyn and focus on this.”

Michael sat in silence. Margaret cheated on him with that spineless
moron. The one who he called a friend and stood up for with the other ER
doctors. The one that made his schedule with all those overnight shifts.

“You were never pregnant?”

Margaret shook her head. “I’m sorry. It was the only way you would come
back to me.”

He looked at her with disgust. Everything he knew about her was a lie. “I
thought I was stuck with you. When you left, you tore my heart out, but I came
to appreciate that because I fell in love again with Caitlyn. When you told me
you were pregnant, I sucked it up and took it like any good future dad would,
but I was miserable because you broke my heart all over again. There was a time
where I thought we could have been happy forever, but apparently I was
delusional. I could never be happy with you.”

Margaret took in several short, quick breaths to try to stop crying. She
regained enough composure to say, “But Michael, we could be happy, if we tried.”
She grabbed his hands and squeezed them tightly. “I love you.”

“I don’t want to try. I don’t love you anymore, and I will never love you
again. I want you to leave.” He stood up and looked at her intently. “I am
going to go out for a few hours. I'll ship your stuff where ever you want, just
leave an address.” Michael walked across the room, grabbed his checkbook off
the counter, and began scribbling in it as he moved back to Margaret, who
remained kneeling on the floor. “Here's $1000. Please don’t be here when I get
back.” Michael tore the check out and placed it on the coffee table. He grabbed
his jacket from the banister, and left.

He had to see Caitlyn. He had to apologize. He wanted to hold her in his
arms and say he was sorry over and over. She would have to understand, right?
He thought that Margaret was having his child. He acted irrationally to protect
the child. He hoped that they could just go back. Back to the night he came
home from Sacramento. Back to thinking about their future.

He scrolled through his contacts for Caitlyn's number. He held the phone
up to his ear, but it did not ring even once. It went straight to her voicemail
message. The sound of her voice made him only more desperate to see her. He
then tried her home phone. It rang until Michael pulled up to Caitlyn's house.
It was lifeless. He parked and went up to the door anyway. He knocked several
times before giving up and sitting on her stoop. He placed his head in his
hands and cursed. He couldn't believe how screwed up this was. He was filled
with hot anger that pulsed through his head, and he punched his fist into the wooden
porch floor.

He couldn't believe that this could happen to him. He thought he was more
observant, and that he was a better judge of character, but Margaret had
completely fooled him. He had trusted her without question and left Caitlyn
alone. He thought he was doing the right thing. Caitlyn had no reason to
forgive him. If he were in her position, he didn’t know if he could forgive
easily.

He stood up quickly and jogged to his car. The hospital or her mother’s
house, he thought. She could be in either place.

He drove around Worcester searching for her, but Cat was asleep and alone
at the hospital and her house was as quiet as Caitlyn’s. He wouldn't find Caitlyn
tonight. Of all the nights, this is the one when he needed and wanted her the
most.

Caitlyn didn't wake up until 9:30 the next morning, but when she did, she
felt more refreshed than she had from a night's sleep in a long time. She
packed the few things that she brought and checked out. She wasn’t ready to go
back home, but she had to get back to reality.

She turned on her cell phone and saw that she had several messages. She
had turned her phone off after Charles called the night before to ask where to
pick her up. She didn’t want to be bothered this time, and this was going to be
one of the few times in the future that she would have zero responsibilities.
The hospital was taking care of her mother, and she didn’t have a job. Caitlyn
didn’t want any unexpected responsibilities popping up in the middle of her
date, so she cut herself off.

She considered listening to the messages before she left, but she guessed
that it was probably just Alexis demanding to know what happened and where she
was. If it was something else, it could wait a little longer—at least until she
got home—and she would deal with it then.

The ride back was over quickly. It always seemed to her that it took
twice as long to get somewhere than it did to get home from the same place. As
she passed the sign announcing her arrival to town, her phone rang. She was a
bit taken aback by the display on her caller ID and answered teasingly, “Aren't
you calling about two and a half days too early?”

“I don't really believe in those types of rules. Why would I want to wait
to see you if I like you?” questioned Charles. “What are your plans for lunch
today?”

She was crushed by the question and for a moment considered quickly
flipping her car around and heading back, but instead she replied, “Unfortunately,
I am already back in Maple Field. I didn’t figure I’d hear from you again so
soon, so I left after I woke up. Sorry. I really wish I could come back, but I
should go back to the hospital.” She regretted leaving so early in the day. She
hadn't contemplated the possibility that she could have seen Charles again
before she went home. If she had an excuse to stay away longer, she would have
gladly taken it.

Maple Field was rushing reality back to her, and she realized that she
didn’t know when she would get to see Charles again. “I had a really good time
with you last night, but the thing is I don’t know how long I’m going to be
able to date you. My mother will be coming home from the hospital soon, and I’m
going to have to take care of her all the time.”

“You think too far into the future. What about tonight? What if I were
passing through Maple Field this evening? Would you have dinner with me?”

Caitlyn smiled. “Yeah, I can have dinner tonight. Why don't you come over
to my house, and I’ll order something.”

She drove her car down the slope of her driveway and saw Michael's car
parked in front of her house. “Hey, I have to go. Can I call you in a little
bit to give you directions?”

“You're not going to ditch me are you? Forget to call and then turn off
your ringer so you don't hear me calling?” he asked, sounding concerned.

She gave a quick laugh. “I wouldn't do that. I promise. I'll talk to you
soon.”

“Okay. Bye.” Her voice faded as she talked at the phone instead of into
it. She hung up mid syllable, and the last bit was cut off.

Caitlyn wondered what fresh hell was waiting for her now. This is why she
should have checked her messages; she hated surprises.

She parked her car and scrambled out. She hesitantly approached the red
coupe and again reconsidered flipping around and heading back into Amherst, but
it was too late. From a short distance she couldn't see anyone in the car, so she
lifted herself onto her toes to peek through the driver's side window. Michael
was sleeping inside, his jacket was pulled over him like a blanket, and he
looked as uncomfortable as he undoubtedly felt. Caitlyn slowly approached the
car and then tapped on the window with her fingernail, and though he briefly
stirred, he did not awaken. Banging on the window with her fist seemed rude. It
was bad enough that she had to wake him. She hated waking people up. For a
moment, she considered just leaving him there and going about her day, but she
knew that she wouldn't be able to get anything done with him sleeping her
driveway, especially the thing she wanted the most: to relax.

She moved to the passenger side and opened the door. Caitlyn figured that
she could tap him on the shoulder and tell him to go home, but before she could
touch him the cold air assaulted his senses and he rose. Michael turned and
looked at Caitlyn and smiled. “I was waiting for you.” He yawned and stretched
his arms above his head.

“I gathered that much, but I think that you should go home. I don't want
to see you right now.” Caitlyn wanted to yell, but she managed to stay cool and
matter-of-fact. She could feel a wave of emotion rising in her. She wanted
to—she had to—get out of there as quickly as possible. She turned to leave him,
but before she could get a safe distance away, he grabbed her shoulder,
stopping her movement.

“You were right. She was lying to me. She was never pregnant.”

Her heart becoming heavy, Caitlyn turned back to him, “Michael, I really
don't want to deal with this right now.” She took a moment to catch her breath
and the fear, anger, sadness, and love began washing over her. “I don't want to
be brought back into this mess that is you and me. It's too painful, and
frankly, it's unfair for you to spend the night in my driveway expecting that I
would get over it because you know the truth. You didn't believe me when I told
you what was going on, and you knowing I was being honest doesn't make that any
less painful.”

Michael's face was struck with sadness, and he looked at his lap. “I'm
sorry, Caitlyn. I was blinded by my want to believe her, and my thought that
everyone had a bit of goodness in them. But I need you. You're the only one
that I can talk to about this. You're the only one I have to help me.”

Caitlyn felt sick and confused. “You don't have me,” she said sternly.
She knew that if she wasn't careful he could easily pull her back. She let the
anger become prominent.

Michael gulped, trying to push back tears, but they began welling in his
eyes anyway. “I love you. I have loved you since my first night here. I wanted
to be with you. You know that. Please, don't send me away. I want you.” He
grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him. She felt the little hairs on her
arms rise up with the warmth of his body. “Please.” He leaned over and kissed
her delicately on the mouth. She began kissing him back, but after a few
moments she pulled back abruptly.

Her heart ached. She wanted to forgive him, lead him to her bedroom, and
make passionate love like that first week, but she thought about what Charles
had said about letting darkness into her life. She considered the darkness that
she had let him bring in over the last few days, the last few weeks and months,
and managed to say, though not without struggle and gentle tears, “You had a
choice. You didn't choose me, and I realized that I couldn't wait around. Michael,
I’m seeing Charles now, and I'm not going to cut a really good guy out of my
life because your first choice went away.” Maybe this would make him go away.
If he knew that she was moving on, maybe he wouldn't try to pull her back.

Michael leaned in close to her and brushed the hair away from her face
and then said, “Caitlyn, she wasn't my first choice. I thought she was my only
choice. If it were any other way it would have been me and you the whole time.
But I thought she was having my baby. I thought it was the honorable thing to
do.”

Caitlyn stepped out of the car and then wiped the tears from her cheeks
forcefully. “Go home.” Michael slammed his palms against the steering wheel forcefully.
She slammed the door shut and disappeared into her house.

When Caitlyn got inside, she pressed her back to the door and slid down
so that she was sitting on the floor. She took several deep breaths to clear the
tears from her eyes and the sickness from her stomach. The allure of being with
Michael was too overwhelming for her, and it took all of her effort not to jump
up and run back out to him. It wasn't until she heard his tires grinding in the
gravel that she was able to let go of any of the tension in her body.

She pulled herself together and called Charles.

#

Alexis stood in Caitlyn's kitchen with a warm mug of black coffee in her
hand; she was eerily quiet, and Caitlyn knew that she was upset that she left
without calling or telling her what was wrong. “I know that you like to protect
me, but sometimes I have to take care of myself,” she said.