Don't Lie to Me (23 page)

“Nervous?” I asked with a slight grin as I looked at his legs.

He stared out at the dozens of screaming and smiling kids on the playground and said nothing for several minutes while his heel kept bouncing away.

“I don’t even know which one he is….” his voice trailed off and finally he took his eyes off the strangers on the playground and turned to me. “I’m a father, Emma. And I have no idea who my son is. You have no idea how that feels.”

I grasped my phone tightly in my hands, suddenly scared he was going to lash out at me for keeping Logan a secret for so long. I looked away from him, afraid he would see the fear in my own eyes, but he kept talking.

“I don’t blame you, you know. I’m just pissed and angry at myself for not realizing sooner what an asshole my dad is.” He ran his hands roughly through his hair and cursed. “All I’ve been able to think about since you told me about Logan is all the plans I had for us. I wanted to marry you and make a life with our child, and now it’s all so fucked up that I can’t even look at these kids out here and recognize my own son. Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel?”

I turned my head away from him and swallowed down the tears that threatened to spill over.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Marcus snapped at me. “You don’t have shit to be sorry for. I told you, I’m not mad at you. I’ve held on to so much anger for the last few years with my dad that I’m pissed I ever trusted him over the only woman I’ve ever loved…”

“Marcus,” I gasped, startled at his admission to me. Why was he even bringing all of this up now? I didn’t agree to meet him to discuss our relationship, I just wanted him to meet his son and suddenly I felt too overwhelmed by everything to say anything at all.

He raised a hand and cut me off. “Just let me say this, okay?” At my nod, he continued. “You have no idea how much it broke my heart when my dad came to me and told me you asked for money to get rid of our baby. I was too angry and too upset to think rationally. If I would have taken even a second, I would have known you’d never do that. I just….I never thought my dad would lie like that. When he admitted the truth, I wanted to find you, but then I was too scared and too ashamed to admit everything to you. I failed you when you needed me most, and for that – I will always be sorry.”

I wiped away the tears that I couldn’t fight down any longer. It was too much. Too overwhelming and in the open park, I felt walls crushing down on my chest. What would have happened had he come to me years ago?

“And now you’re with Jack,” he spit it out like he was pissed. Or maybe jealous, given his confession. Perhaps he was still disappointed in himself. I didn’t know, but I turned to face him and saw anger in his eyes.

“I am.”

“Do you love him?” Marcus’ voice sounded so pained, I couldn’t say anything at all. Why did I feel bad about this?

I let my silence speak for itself and turned to the playground. Logan stood on a walkway between two slides, his hands gripping the rails and his eyes wide, watching us. I waved to him in a gesture for him to come over and I saw the fear and nerves flash in his tiny little innocent face.

“He’s not good enough for you,” Marcus stated and my jaw tightened in annoyance.

“We didn’t come here to talk about Jack, and I won’t discuss my relationship with him, with you of all people.” I turned to see Logan slowly walking towards us. “Your son wants to meet you and he’s nervous as hell that you won’t like him. Don’t mess this up.”

“Sorry,” he whispered and then wipes his palms nervously on his thighs. “What do I say to him?”

I laughed softly. “Say hello, and then play with him. It’s all he wants, Marcus.”

Logan walked over to me and molded himself to the side of my body. He looked at Marcus with scared little eyes as he tried to hide himself from him. I pulled him onto my lap so he was cradled against my body and held his head against my chest, his face staring directly at his father.

“Logan…” I choked out, tears threatening to spill over again, but I swallowed them down. “This is your dad, Marcus.”

I felt Logan stiffen in my arms and looked to Marcus. With my eyes, I pleaded for him to show Logan some love. Slowly, Marcus reached out his right hand.

“It’s wonderful to finally meet you Logan,” he said softly but with tears spilling over his own eyes. I could see Marcus’ own fear in his eyes and I wondered if he was just as terrified as Logan.

Logan stared at the large hand offered to him and then slowly looked up at me. He pursed his lips and frowned when he saw my tears, but I nodded and with a smile, encouraged him to say hello.

His little hand disappeared into Marcus’s when he finally reached out to hold it. Marcus breathed out a loud exhale and with his free hand, he wiped away his own tears.

“Hi.” Logan’s soft and timid voice brought more tears to my eyes and Marcus’s. I shut my eyes tightly until I felt more in control. Silence surrounded the three of us. I knew kids were shouting and cars were driving by. I’m sure in the distance a car alarm was going off, and adults were chatting on cell phones, but in that moment, there was nothing else in the world besides the three of us.

Finally, Marcus smiled and covered Logan’s small hand with his other one, holding it softly between them. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here earlier for you.”

Logan smiled. “My mom said you were gone for work and just came back. She said you had to travel a lot but didn’t have to do it anymore.”

I wrinkled my nose at the little – okay, enormous – white lie I told Logan. I pleaded with Marcus silently for understanding and he sent me his silent thanks.

Marcus nodded. “I did.”

A tear fell down Logan’s own cheek and my own throat burned from the emotions splayed all over his pudgy little cheeks and innocent face. God I hated this.

“Are you going to travel anymore?” he asked so softly I was afraid Marcus didn’t hear him.

But he did, and he moved to wipe a tear off Logan’s cheek and then his own with the back of his hand.

“I will never leave you again,” he said seriously and then turned to me. “I promise.”

Logan took a deep breath and then smiled the largest smile I had ever seen on his little face. “I turn five in…..how many days, mommy?”

I chuckled through my tears. “Two weeks, baby.”

He scrunched up his nose. “I’m not a baby,” And then looked at his…dad. “Two weeks. Will you come to my birthday party? Mommy’s taking me to a place with lots of things to jump on. I forget what they’re called.”

“Trampolines?” Marcus supplied with a smile that practically mirrored his son’s. They were practically mirror images of each other and something in that moment, felt like they had always known each other.

Logan nodded enthusiastically and hopped off my lap. “Yeah, those things. Can you come?”
Marcus nodded. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Do you want to play with me?” Logan asked and then looked at the sand pile to our right filled with empty buckets.

I looked at Marcus, still dressed in his fancy and well-tailored black suit. He had come to meet us directly from work. The idea of him sitting in the sand made me laugh.

Marcus shot me a look full of mischief and amazement. Before I knew it, he had thrown his suit jacket over the back of the bench, and was removing his socks and shoes.

He held out his hand for Logan who, this time, took it without any hesitation. “I love to play in the sand.”

I watched the two of them walk away to the sand pit, content to sit back and watch Logan playing with his dad for the very first time ever. It was absolutely perfect. I pushed back the sadness and the guilt, and for the first time in almost five years, watched with my own eyes – a scene I had envisioned from the moment I found out I was pregnant.

Hours later, after ice cream and Marcus asking Logan a gazillion questions about himself – to which Logan enthusiastically responded to - Marcus walked us back to our apartment. I was starting to worry since I hadn’t yet heard from Jack, even though I had sent him a text at the park letting him know we were still there. He never responded which was odd. No matter what he was doing, Jack had always responded to my texts since the very first date we had. He even sent me dirty messages in the middle of board meetings. To not get a reply from him at all worried me.

“Do you want to see my Legos?” Logan asked Marcus when we reached our building. Marcus smiled, but looked to me.

This was more than I had planned on. I figured after a few hours of playing at the park, and walking and having ice cream, Marcus would be eager to get home. Logan may be his son, but kids were exhausting when you weren’t used to them.

I looked at Logan, who was eagerly awaiting my answer. I couldn’t say no. Not when his hand had been firmly clasped in Marcus’s for the last two hours. He wasn’t ready to say good-bye to his dad yet and I didn’t blame him.

“Sure,” I said with a smile and looked at Marcus – relief flooding every feature on his face. “I’ll cook dinner while you guys play. You can stay if you want.”

“I want. Thank you.”

I led us into the apartment and shooed Logan in the direction of his room after instructing him for the five thousandth time to put away his shoes and hang up his jacket. Marcus watched him skip down the hall before turning to me.

“I’m not sure how to thank you enough for today.”

I brushed him off, although I was in awe how easy the day had gone. After the first few uncomfortable moments between the two of them, they had found their rhythm and by the time we left the park to get lunch, Logan and Marcus smiled and talked as if they’d known each other their entire lives. It was surreal and comfortable at the same time.

“It was the least I could do.”

He took a few steps towards me and I flinched when his hand came out and cupped my cheeks. I turned my eyes away from him, afraid of what I would see if I looked at him. Marcus sighed, but didn’t remove his hand.

“You didn’t have to do anything. And I don’t think I could blame you one bit if you never told me about him. But you did, and you have no idea how thankful I am right now.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets and took a few steps back.

“I feel like we were the family today that I always wanted.”

I inhaled a quick breath and turned from him. For years, I kept hoping Marcus would someday walk back into our lives and all would be forgotten. A stupid naïve dream from a heartbroken young girl, but I wasn’t that young girl anymore, and it was happening before my own eyes. Except now I loved Jack, and I didn’t fully trust Marcus.

“Dad!” Logan yelled from down the hallway, growing impatient with Marcus’s delay in getting to the bedroom.

I smiled faintly. “You better go – your son wants you.”

“God that sounds so awesome.” He shook his head as he walked down the hallway. He turned back to me when he reached Logan’s room. “I meant what I said. This is what I’ve always wanted.”

I turned away without a word and stared lamely at my freezer, trying to find something I could defrost or cook for dinner. Except my mind wasn’t working properly. Instead it was flooded by memories of the day, the comments from Marcus about this being what he wanted, and my concerns for Jack.

I slammed the door shut, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and called for pizza.

After I ordered the pizzas, I sent another text to Jack letting him know I was back home with Logan and everything went well.

Not that it mattered, he never texted me back.

What in the hell was going on?

SEVENTEEN

I nervously entered Jack’s penthouse apartment the next morning. It had been a tough morning with Logan, me explaining to him why he couldn’t see Marcus again, and reassuring him several times that we could call him after work.

Then I received a text message from Marcus, thanking me again, for telling him about Logan. I flip-flopped between feeling happy that Logan finally got to meet his dad, and frustrated that Jack never called or replied to my messages from the day before.

“Jack?” I called out quietly as I shut his front door.

I was met with complete silence. I walked around his penthouse, looking for any sign that he was still at home, but found nothing. I frowned when I entered his bedroom and my heart started beating faster.