Doreen (17 page)

Heidi Whelan raced across the quad as fast as she could, threading through packs of kids bundled up against the cold, still buzzing from last night's dance. She did not slow down enough to listen to what they were saying, though she was sure that her friend was taking up a lot of real estate in the campus gossip. What were they calling Doreen? Heartbreaker? Man Eater? Fine. Good, even. But murderer? Heidi sped up her pace. They had to keep control of the story before it got out. She hoped it wasn't too late.

She scampered up the stairs to Doreen's room, but Doreen did not answer the door right away. Heidi had to bang and jiggle the handle, yelling out Doreen's name in desperation. Where could she have gone? Heidi's imagination reeled. Finally, after some minutes, Doreen opened the door.

“Oh, thank god,” said Heidi. She burst into Doreen's room. “I thought—you don't know what I thought. You never returned my messages. I was worried.”

“You sound like my cousin,” said Doreen with a smirk. “Anyway, I'm fine. I've just been studying is all.”

“Studying?” Heidi stood gaping as if unsure of the word's intended meaning. She looked at the pile of books on Doreen's desk. “That's unexpected.”

“Yes, studying. And if you don't mind—”

“Listen, Dorie, the whole thing is terrible, of course. It's just awful and I wanted to be sure you weren't taking it all too hard. I was afraid I'd find you here, I don't know, pulling out your hair or sobbing, pounding your chest.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Darling! Simon! Simon Vale!”

Doreen cringed at the mention of his name. “It's unfortunate, of course.”

Heidi nodded gravely. “Doreen, I'm so sorry about the way things went down, but there's no point in blaming yourself.”

“Blame myself? I have no intention . . . You see, I've figured the whole thing out. I'm going to fix it.”

“Really? How?”

“Well, admittedly, I did wake up this morning with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Not literally—after all, the suite where I stayed with Gordon at Hamilton Colonial was exquisite and there were breakfast pastries and cappuccinos and tiny glass jars of French jam. But something about the whole scene last night, it made me feel rotten. I did love Simon and I never loved Gordon—I never could or will love Gordon. I love his power and his access, but there's more to life, I know there is. So I've resolved to be better. I realize that I've lost touch with the girl that I was back in Indiana. And I want to get back to that person, to make my insides more beautiful. I want to be good, Heidi, and that all begins with Simon.”

“But Doreen—”

“Look, don't bother with your disapprovals. I don't want to hear it. I've tried it your way and look where it's gotten me! Sure, I got to wear a fancy dress and stay in a fancy suite, but for what? Simon is a good person, he has a good and giving soul. I should never have treated him that way. And so my plan is to make up with him.”

“Make up with him?”

“Yes, Heidi. And you can skip the list of reasons why he is unsuitable or embarrassing. I just don't care about any of that. I am going to march up to Leaving Place and beg that boy to forgive me. I'll get down on my knees if I have to.”

“Leaving Place? But, Doreen, didn't you get my text messages or e-mails? Haven't you seen? It's all over GryphPages!”

“I don't have a profile. I turned my phone off. What is it?”

Heidi pushed her friend aside and logged onto her own profile on Doreen's old laptop. She clicked a link to the
Chandler Times
homepage.

“I've been trying to reach you all day,” she said as Doreen sunk into her desk chair.

Hometown Football Hero
Survives Suicide Stunt

Simon Vale, 17, apparently threw himself off the Peabody Street Bridge early on Sunday morning. Vale was seen jumping off the bridge some hours after attempting to gain entry into the Chandler Fall Dance at the Hamilton Colonial Hotel on Saturday night. The extent of his injuries is unknown at this time, but onlookers claim that he was in stable condition, though obviously in pain, when the paramedics arrived to retrieve him from the bottom of the ravine. Until recent weeks, Vale was the star quarterback of the Hamilton High School football team. A series of bizarre performances on the field led the coach to bench him for the last game against the Manchester Wild Cats. “He's been acting wicked strange for a while now,” says Coach McCullers. “I don't know what's been up with that kid.”

“Stable condition, see?” said Heidi. “That means he's going to be okay. The Peabody Street Bridge is pretty small. I'm sure it was just a cry for help. Doreen? Dorie? Are you all right?”

But Doreen didn't answer. She groped her way to the bed and sat down. “So I killed him. I killed Simon Vale.”

“No, Dorie, I told you, he's in stable condition. He's going to survive. It even says so in the headline.”

“But he wanted to die, Heidi, didn't he? And it's all because of me, because I told him I didn't love him. I was so cruel to him. Didn't you walk him out of the dance? You did, didn't you?”

“Yes.” Heidi thought of the hopelessness on Simon's bleeding face as he walked away in his rented tux.

“How did he seem then?”

Heidi was surprised to see that her friend's eyes were dry of tears. She seemed shocked, of course, but also somewhat delighted. Heidi was sure of it. “Oh, he was pretty low. I don't think the evening had gone as he'd planned.”

“No. No, of course it didn't. He wanted me back. He loved me so much, and there I was with Gordon Lichter. To think! Heidi, if I saw this in a movie I'm sure I would cry my eyes out! But somehow, since it is happening to me, I feel more astonished than anything else. It's so strange. Simon Vale tried to end his life because he couldn't have me. But I'm still here and you're still here. People are eating. My biology test is still on Tuesday. Everything goes on just the same.” A faraway look came into Doreen's eyes as she gazed out the window onto the darkened quad. “There's something sort of beautiful about it, the way time goes on, indifferently.”

“Yes. And I think you should, too. That's part of the reason why I came by. I think we should go to the dining hall and make an appearance. Nobody knew Simon's name, but since the paper mentions his attempt to infiltrate the dance, people are definitely going to make the connection. This kind of scandal—we're in some unchartered territory here, Doreen, and I honestly have no idea how it will go for you. But staying holed up in your room makes it seem like you feel guilty.”

“But I don't. Maybe I should, but I don't feel guilty. Do you think that sounds heartless?”

“The guy was disturbed. He wanted you to be much more than any girl could be to any boy. He wanted you to save him. What did I tell you about influence? Simon couldn't live without you to follow, or anyway, he thought he couldn't. Clearly that's about an emptiness inside him—it has nothing to do with you. Can you help it if you're beautiful? And kind?” She added with slightly less conviction.

“But I was so mean to him after the football game. I never told you about it, Heidi. All of a sudden he seemed disgusting to me. Has that ever happened to you? One minute I was walking around on a love cloud and the next I find Simon Vale to be physically repulsive.”

“It was a pretty pathetic football game.”

“But I think what you said was right. He said he'd done it for me, played like that, embarrassed himself, because football no longer mattered. It was too much! It was weak! I didn't want a child; I wanted a man. You don't think I'm some sort of monster, do you? I couldn't take it if you did.”

Heidi sat down next to her and Doreen rested her head against her shoulder. “No, Doreen. No, of course I don't think you're a monster. It's hard not to feel bad for Simon, but he made his own choices.”

“And to think that I was going to make up with him! I can't decide if that would have been better or worse.”

Their intimacy was like a warm blanket, securing them to one another, and despite the circumstances, Heidi allowed herself to feel comforted. She wanted Doreen to survive this scandal for a host of reasons—her own reputation could suffer by association, and then there was the Roland problem, the sense of failure if Doreen were to become an outcast so early. But overriding all of that was basic concern for her friend's well-being. She'd been given an unexpected gift of true friendship, and she would do what she could to save her.

“Listen, Dorie, why don't you get dressed and we'll go down to the cafeteria, okay? You'll have a nibble of sandwich or something, show your face. How does that sound?”

“If you think it's best, Heidi, I'm happy to.” Doreen gazed at her desk. “Just, one thing. If you don't mind.”

“What do you need, Doreen? Anything.”

“I wouldn't mind a minute alone. Just to collect myself. Would that be all right?”

Heidi smiled. “I understand, of course. I'll just wait for you outside. I should call Peter anyway.”

“I don't know what I'd do without you, Heidi. I've never had a friend like you—never in my life.”

Heidi stopped at the doorway and winked at Doreen. “This is just the beginning, kid.” And swinging Biz's maroon Ferragamo over her shoulder, she let herself out.

As soon as she heard the door click closed, Doreen scrambled over to her desk. She couldn't wait anymore, she had to look. The truth was, she'd been obsessing about the picture all day. The creepy change she saw before was in her head, that's what she told herself over and over again, but still, she had an odd notion that the picture was tracking her every move. And after the way she'd treated Simon at the dance, she couldn't help wondering if the picture had gotten even worse. It was crazy, crazy! But she'd been too afraid to find out. Instead she had vowed to make up with Simon, study, improve herself.

And with Heidi's news that Simon had thrown himself off the bridge because of her, she couldn't avoid it any longer. She had to see for certain if she'd made up the change in the image and if the recent events had any additional effect. Better to know what she was up against, what the picture had in store. With shaking hands, she opened the top drawer of her desk and slid out the photograph.

This time, there could be no doubt. It was real! It happened! The change in the image she'd seen before was no product of her imagination; it was right there in front of her, only worse, more horrifying. The eyes blazed cruelly, the mouth had become redder, as if from blood. There were grotesque boils popping up in the skin. She gave out a cry.

“Doreen? Are you okay?” Heidi asked from the hallway.

“Uh, what? Oh, yeah, I just . . . I stepped on an earring.”

“Oh, okay. Almost ready? The dining hall closes in an hour.”

“Just give me one more minute!” Doreen paced around her room. What should she do? How could she fix this? She thought of ways to make herself better, to counteract the damage that had already been done, but she didn't know how to begin—or if it would even work. She'd have to be a nun, or even better than a nun! She'd have to be Biz! No more boys or distractions. No more manipulating or materialism. No more life.

“No more life,” she whispered. A shiver went down her spine. What a sacrifice. She caught her reflection in the full-length mirror. That girl, the one with the skin of a doll and the face of a model, her hair flowing and soft, would she have to ignore all the perks of beauty in order to be good? It seemed such a shame.

She rubbed some lip gloss on her lips, tied back her lustrous hair. She watched herself do it—so gracefully. How could anyone who looked so perfect be bad? And then it dawned on her. Of course! Why didn't she think of it earlier? She didn't have to change a thing. Doreen Gray could act exactly as she liked. She grinned.

So the picture was getting worse. What of it? Doreen herself had never looked prettier. Look! Look at that girl in the mirror. The only thing that mattered was how she appeared, and her appearance was perfect. She slid the photograph back into the drawer. She'd keep it around for kicks, but she was free to live her life as she wanted, liberated from guilt! Free to stuff herself on the banquet of life! Almost skipping, she ran out to meet her friend.

A wind cut through the quad. Winter was coming, and it wasn't going to be nice about it.

“Brr!” Doreen took Heidi's arm. “Doesn't the cafeteria look warm and inviting? I hope there's soup tonight.”

“Doreen, listen, you don't have to worry. Just be yourself in there, okay? I'm sure everything will just take care of itself. You are on the side of the angels now.”

But Doreen wasn't listening.

“Marvelous, marvelous. To be young! Heidi, to live without doubts. Everybody should be so lucky!”

She was a fascinating person, that Doreen Gray.