Finding Ever After
Read Finding Ever After Online
Authors: Stephanie Hoffman McManus
Finding Ever After
By Stephanie Hoffman McManus
Contents
I wish mommy would get better. She’s been sick for weeks. Even more sick than
that time in the second grade when I got the chicken pox and had to stay home from
school. She’s been to lots of doctors but none of them have helped her. Last
week, when Sebastian and I were supposed to be upstairs doing our homework, we
went downstairs to get a snack and we heard mommy talking to Bas’ Dad. They
were talking about a special doctor that Mr. Cross works with, he wanted mommy
to go see him. She’s gone to lots of different doctors, but I heard her say she
was scared this time.
Mommy never gets scared, not when I hear noises in the
dark at bedtime, not when I see spiders crawling on the floor and not even when
Bas and his big brother, Christian, make us watch those horrible monster movies
they love. She’s the bravest person in the world
. I don’t want mommy to be
scared.
* * *
Today Mommy went to see the special doctor that works with Bas’ dad. He figured
out what was wrong with Mommy, and it’s bad, really, really bad. When Mr. Cross
dropped me off after school he wouldn’t let Sebastian come over. Bas comes over
every day after school, so I knew something wasn’t right. I walked in the house
and Mommy was sitting on the couch in the living room. Her eyes were all red
and puffy, she must have been crying just before I came home.
“Mom?”
“Hey sweetie.”
She looked up and tried to wipe her
eyes. “Why don’t you get started on your homework and I’ll fix you a snack.”
She tried to pretend nothing was wrong.
I drug my backpack into the kitchen, just like I would any other day and pulled
out my schoolwork. I didn’t know what else to do, Mommy didn’t cry after she
saw the other doctors. The way she was looking at me while I sat there trying
to concentrate on my math, made me think she wanted to cry a lot more. That’s
how I knew it wasn’t anything like the chickenpox.
I didn’t like how quiet it was and how sad her eyes were. I had to ask, even
though I was scared of what she would say. “Mom, did the new doctor figure out
why you’ve been sick?” It felt like forever before she answered.
“Yeah Jaxyn.”
She sighed. “He did.”
“Is that why you’re sad?”
“Yeah baby, that’s why I’m sad
.“
“Is he
gonna
make you better?”
“He’s going to try sweetheart, but mommy might not get better.” Her eyes were
getting real shiny as she answered my questions.
“What do you mean you might not get better, isn’t that what doctor’s do, make
people better? Bas’ dad is a doctor and people take their babies to see him
when they’re sick or hurt and he makes them better. Why can’t your doctor just
make you better like Mr. Cross does for all the babies?” How could she say she
might not get better? She has to get better.
“That’s true Jaxy, doctors do make people better, but sometimes people are just
too sick to get better, no matter how hard the doctors try.”
“What’s wrong with you? What’s so bad that the special doctor can’t fix?” I
knew my eyes were shiny too but I was trying so hard not to let the tears out.
“I have cancer baby girl.”
No, no, no, anything but that.
Jessica in my class said that her mom got cancer when she was very little and
she died and now she barely remembers her. In second grade Mom and Mr. Cross
took me and Bas and Chris to a carnival and it was for a girl who used to
babysit kids in our neighborhood. She had cancer too and even though they got
lots of money from the carnival, she still didn’t get better. I know we don’t
have that much money because I see how worried Mom gets when bills come in the
mail. So how will mom get better?
I jumped out of my chair and ran upstairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me.
I dove onto my pink princess bed Mom got me last year on my eighth birthday.
Her and Mr. Cross spent three hours trying to put it together while Bas and I
watched and giggled every time his dad would get frustrated and say bad words.
I tried not to think about that day, or the next day
when they took us to the zoo so I could spend all day watching the monkeys
because they’re my favorite. Then when we got home we had a sleepover and ate
so much candy and ice cream that we were bouncing off the walls and jumping on
that brand new bed all night. I couldn’t think about those times, when I
thought everything in my life was perfect, because now nothing was perfect and
it might not ever be again. I just wanted to cry and not stop. So I didn’t. Not
when I heard Mom knocking on my door, and I still didn’t stop when she came in,
laid down next to me, wrapped her arms around me and held me tight until I
cried myself to sleep.
* * *
Mom looks pretty today. Her skin isn’t so pale and her hair is finally growing
back. I didn’t like when she lost it. I knew the medicine that made it fall out
would hopefully make her better, but I still didn’t like it. I’ve always loved
her hair, the same color as my favorite caramel candies and it’s so soft,
softer than my dolls’ hair. I like when she lets me play with it. Hopefully it
will be long enough for me to practice braiding again soon. Last month the
doctor told her that she doesn’t have to take that medicine anymore. I’m really
happy because it made her feel very sick too.
On days when she had to go to the doctor for her
medicine she made me sleep over at Sebastian’s. I wanted to stay home and take
care of her and make her chicken noodle soup like she always does for me when I
don’t feel good. She said she didn’t want me to have to see her when she was so
sick, but I made sure that Mr. Cross always checked on her and took her soup. I
think he would have done it even if I didn’t make him, he loves her too. I’m
pretty sure Mommy loves him back. They think Sebastian and I don’t see how they
smile at each other, but we do. We want them to get married like Sebastian’s
mom did with his stepdad Daniel, when we were in first grade. It would be the
best if Sebastian and Mr. Cross lived with us and Bas got to be my brother.
That used to be all I wished for. I‘d even take Chris too.
After Mom got sick I didn’t wish for anything but for her to get better. I know
God heard my wishes because she’s finally starting to act like her old self.
She’s smiling and laughing more, and she was even jumping up at down at my last
couple soccer games, her and Sebastian always cheer the loudest.
Hopefully, since she’s feeling better, it means we’ll get to go to my
favorite theme park next month for my tenth birthday. Last year we had to stay
home because mom had just started her treatment and was too tired to go
anywhere, but that was okay. Bas and his dad came over with ice cream. We made
sundaes and watched movies all day. They even put candles in my ice cream, it
was a good day. Maybe this year if Mom really is all better, I’ll wish for Bas
to be my brother again.
* * *
It doesn’t matter what you wish for or how hard you wish it, sometimes it still
doesn‘t come true. I‘ve been replaying the day over and over in my head, how it
should‘ve gone when I came home from school. It was a Friday with no homework,
I should‘ve spent the evening eating pizza and beating Bas at that stupid video
game, but that‘s not what happened.
“Mom!”
I called out as I walked in the door after
soccer practice.
“In here.” She answered from her bedroom. I didn’t hear the catch in her voice.
“Can I go over to Bas’ after I finish my homework? He got that new
game from his mom that we’ve both been dying to play and Mr. Cross is
gonna
order pizza and . . .” I stopped as I walked into her
room and saw her trying to wipe the tears from her eyes and hide the photos of
my father that she doesn’t think I know she keeps tucked in the pages of her
grandma’s old Bible. Every once in a while I see her staring at them with sad
eyes, but she doesn’t usually cry over him anymore. I can tell from how puffy
her eyes are that she must have really been bawling before I came home. It had
be something more than my loser dad. It was at that moment that I remembered
the reason Becky’s Mom had to give me a ride home from practice, Mom had her two
year check up since going into remission. The look on her face said it all
though. It’s back.
Please God, no
.
But even as I sent up that silent prayer, I knew it was true. There was no
point in even asking, so instead I did something I hadn’t since I was six years
old and wondered why most of the other kids in my class had two parents to come
to Parent Night.
“Tell me about my father. What was he like when you fell in love with him?” I
could tell that wasn’t what she was expecting me to ask, knowing how much I
hated the man who left her and broke her heart before I was even born. She took
her time answering, trying to decide what to tell me.
“He was wild and so full of life, and the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. I
knew he was trouble and he was dangerous but I couldn’t help but be attracted
to him. He was so fearless and lived life completely on his terms, not caring
what anyone else thought.” She paused and I knew she was remembering him then.
After the first time I caught her looking at them, I’d snuck a look at the
pictures she had of him. I knew he had been a very attractive man, but even as
young as I was I could see what she meant when she said he was dangerous. It
was in his eyes, something was off, they were cold and grey; they matched the
hard look of his face. I spent hours staring in the mirror hoping that even
though I had his darker hair and those same eyes, which sometimes looked
silver, mine would be warm and kind like Mom’s. I didn’t want to be anything
like him. Realizing I was still watching her, waiting for to go on, she
continued.
“All the girls wanted him, and he loved that. He left
a trail of broken hearts in his wake. I thought I could be the one to tame him,
that he would change his ways for me if I just loved him enough.” She paused
again, this time because I knew it was hard for her to speak about this to me.
It was definitely more than she had told me when I was younger.
“I think,
that maybe he tried at first, that he wanted to love me back, but the truth is
he was made for walking away and it was always going to happen. I just let
myself see what I wanted. I believed his lies and fell for every line, and by
the time I realized he would never actually let me in, it was too late for me
because I had already given him everything.”
The tears streaked down her cheeks again, and I knew my face matched hers. I
just couldn’t imagine how anyone could not love this amazing, special woman in
front of me. How could someone just throw her away like
that.
Mom quickly wiped her eyes when she saw how upset I was becoming, but she was
mistaken about the reason my heart hurt.
“Oh baby girl, you know I don’t regret it, not a single moment of it because I
got you, and you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I will always love
you, no matter what happens.” And I did know, not once in my life had I ever
doubted how much she loved me.
“I know mom, and I love you more than anything, you’re the best mom in the
whole world.” I had to make sure she knew how much she meant to me. My words
brought more tears to her eyes and then we were both sobbing for a completely
different reason than the man who should have loved us both, but had failed.
“I need you to promise me something sweetheart.”
“Anything Mom.”
I meant
it,
I
would give her anything she wanted and do anything she asked of me.
“Promise me you’ll be careful with your heart sweet girl, that you’ll protect
it and won’t give it away to just anyone. Wait for the man who is going to
cherish it. You’re a princess baby girl, and don’t you settle for anyone who
doesn’t see that, you deserve Prince Charming.”
“How will I be able to tell the difference between a prince and one of the bad
guys?” She thought about my question for a moment.
“Well, do you know how much I love you, how special you are to me and how I
would do anything for you, give you the entire world?”
“Yeah.”
“How do you know?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes you do, come on sweetheart, how do you know I love you?”
“I just do.” It was hard to explain how I knew it, I just did. “I see it when
you look at me, when you smile at me for no reason, and when you laugh at my
jokes that even Bas doesn’t think are funny, and even when you get mad at me or
are disappointed in me I still see it. I feel it when you hug me and hold my
hand when I’m scared.”