Dorothy Garlock - [Colorado Wind 03] (25 page)

Vanessa was stunned by his words. She half suspected he was teasing, then saw the look of longing in his eyes. The intense silence that followed seemed to press the breath out of her, drain all coherent thought from her mind until a tremulous joy came over her, so great it was like a pain, and her heart began to race. Then the rest of his words seeped into her mind and dread swept over her like a chill.

“You’re going away . . . from here?”

“Yes. I don’t know just when, but soon.”

“Why? Where are you going?”

“Away . . . on business. But I want to know that you’re here, safe.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“I’ll not be coming back.”

His words hung in the air between them. He watched her with dark and anxious eyes, and through them she sensed the mental agony he was suffering.

“Kain! Oh, Kain! You don’t mean that!” Dear God! She loved him so, and that gave him this awesome power to hurt her.

“I don’t want to go, love, but I must.” His hand moved up and down her arm as if he couldn’t bear not to touch her.

“But if you love me—”

“I do. You must believe that.”

“Then don’t go. Please don’t go!” Vanessa’s words echoed back to her like a lost wail.

“I must, my sweet love. Don’t think about it. We’ve got now. Lie down beside me and let me hold you—for just a little while.” There was a deep huskiness in his voice and he closed his eyes tightly, unable to bear the pain in hers and let her see the moisture in his.

Vanessa didn’t know that she was crying until she felt the tears running down her cheeks. She sank down on the bed, her back to his chest, and he pillowed her head on his arm. Wrapped in his arms, even with the bed sheet and her clothes between them, she could feel the pounding of his heart against her back. He had said he loved her, said he was going away and was not coming back . . . and he had not asked her to go with him. Her face crumbled. This was both heaven and hell.

Kain pressed his lips to the white flesh beneath her ear, and tears ran from his eyes into her hair. He hadn’t meant to tell her of his love. It had just come out. What had he done to this sweet woman? She cared for him; he had been sure of it since the night she had told him about Tass. This would make his leaving all the harder to bear. Was Ellie right? Should they take what happiness they could get in the short time left?

“I know you don’t understand, my love.” His whispered words caressed her neck. “I shouldn’t have told you and put this burden on you. It would have been easier for you if you were angry at me, hated me. But I’m a selfish bastard. I wanted your love, your warmth. More than anything I wanted to hold you in my arms and see love shining in your eyes for me . . . only for me. Pull me into your heart, my love, and hold me there.”

“Oh, Kain,” she whispered and brushed his bare arm with her lips. “All I can say is . . . I love you, and I don’t want you to go.”

“They’re the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard.” His voice vibrated with emotion. “You came into my life so unexpectedly and made me feel things I never thought I would feel. Let me be with you for this little while.”

“I love you so, I don’t know if I can bear it if you go away and leave me.”

“You will, dear heart.”

“Are you already . . . married to someone?”

“No. I’ve never met anyone I wanted to marry until now.”

“Then why?”

“It’s something I have no control over. Don’t ask me, love. Let’s not think about it, not now. Let’s pretend we’re going to be together forever. Push it out of your mind. Push everything out of your mind, sweetheart, but me. We’ve had some hard times, but, darling, there may be some good in knowing we must part because it makes us aware of how precious this time together is and how priceless this thing we feel for each other.”

For a long time they lay without talking. Kain’s hand gripped hers tightly and he buried his face in the softness of her gleaming tresses.

“Why did you tell me, now? Why didn’t you just go?”

“Because I was afraid you’d leave in the morning and I’m not up to following you to town.”

“I didn’t want to leave here, but—”

“I couldn’t let you go. I want you here, with me.” His fingers left her arm and curled about her breast in sweet intimacy. He spoke against the back of her ear after a short silence. “And it’s best that Ellie and Henry stay away from town, too, until I can find out more about Henry Hill. I want to ride out and talk to Logan Horn. He was Henry Clayhill’s adopted son. He may know something about Henry Hill and Adam Hill. Sweetheart, I’m convinced that the man your aunt is looking for is Adam Clayhill.”

“If he’s as mean and ornery as you say, Aunt Ellie will be disappointed, then just stay away from him.”

“He isn’t like anyone Ellie’s come up against. He can be as nice as pie one minute and like a viper the next.”

“Then the sooner she finds out that he’ll not claim Henry as a relative the better. She’s about ready to admit this was a fool’s errand.”

“But think about this: If Adam Clayhill is Adam Hill, that would mean that his brother was Henry Clayhill, not Henry Hill, and he married Ellie under an assumed name.”

“I hadn’t thought about that.”

“I want to find out more about this before Ellie meets Adam Clayhill.”

Time assumed a dreamlike quality. Their desire to lie quietly together was wholly without passion. Neither intruded on the other’s thoughts as they enjoyed the simple pleasure of being close. Kain felt a peace he hadn’t known since that unforgettable day beside the river when he realized that soon he would die. He didn’t feel so lonely now.

Vanessa thought of the love that had sustained her aunt through twenty years. Would it be the same with her? But Ellie had had a child to lavish her love on. Henry was a part of the lover who had swept into her life and out again in one short month. What would she have when Kain was gone? Nothing? She’d not know the joy of mating with the man she loved, the thrill of having his child grow in her body, or looking into tawny eyes knowing they were his eyes unless. . . .

“I must get up,” she whispered. “The house is quiet. Aunt Ellie will wonder—”

“Turn over so I can look at you.”

Vanessa swung her legs off the bed and sat up. Her fingers raked her hair back from her face before she looked at him. Her eyes took in the questioning look in his and the small damp puddle that lay on the bridge of his nose.

“I must look a sight. I always get red eyes and a runny nose when I cry,” she said with a trembly smile.

“You could never look anything but beautiful to me.” God how could this woman make him feel like a king just by looking at him? He felt a surging warmth flow through him like a river. The chilling darkness which had wrapped itself around him loosened and fell way under the spell of her brilliant eyes. His smile answered her, then grew into a low, throaty laugh. “Ah, love, I’ve never been this happy in all my life!”

She leaned over him, and her soft lips touched the dampness in the corner of his eyes. “We’ll be happy while we can,” she whispered. “If you say you have to go I must believe that you don’t want to leave me and I’ll try not to think about it. I’ve never loved before, Kain, and it hurts.” Her voice broke, but she cleared her throat and went on. “Because I love you, I want to make our time together something we’ll always remember. I’ll not question you, but I want you to know that, if you want me, I’ll go with you . . . if it’s to jail, or South America or the Yukon.” Her tears fell on his face and mingled with his.

“Darling, don’t cry.”

“This is the last time. I promise. Kain? Are you . . . going to die? Is someone going to kill you?”

“The only one I know who wanted to see me dead was Tass. We don’t have to worry about him.”

Their lips met and clung. His hand behind her head held her to him. They whispered to each other, mouth to mouth, sharing breath and soft, sweet kisses.

“I must go. Aunt Ellie—”

“She knows I love you.”

“You told her?”

“She guessed. I think everyone knew but you.”

“You said I was stubborn, mule-headed.”

“You are, my sweet.” He laughed against her lips. “Even Henry wanted me to court you.”

“Then you bought the ribbon to please Henry?”

“To please me. Then I was afraid to give it to you, afraid you’d throw it at me.”

“I wouldn’t have.”

“Kiss me some more before you go and come back early in the morning.”

“If we were married I could stay,” she whispered.

“Oh, sweet love, don’t tempt me!” A groan of anguish escaped his throat and he pulled her to him, disregarding the pain in his shoulder. “Little red bird!” His voice was husky, tender. He held her fast and kissed her wet cheeks.

“I don’t want to cry again . . .”

“It’s all right.” He pressed his mouth close against her temple in gentle reverence and spoke soothingly. “We’ll get rid of all the tears tonight, and tomorrow we’ll start to live one day at a time.”

“I’ve been miserable the last few days.” She couldn’t keep the pain from her quivering voice.

“No more than I.” His hand began stroking her forehead, pushing her tousled hair back and smoothing it caressingly. “And not from the holes in me, either,” he added lightly.

She sighed and their seeking lips found each other and lingered. Held close against him, feeling his heart pounding heavily against her breast, she pushed away the waves of despair that had threatened to drown her when she realized their time together would be brief.

“I can’t bear for us to quarrel,” she whispered.

“But we will, my little redhead. We’ll quarrel, we’ll fight and we’ll make up. All in the same day. I’ll never sleep again with a misunderstanding between us.”

“I love you, Kain DeBolt.” Her voice was the softest of whispers and she drew back so she could look into his face.

He searched her eyes for confirmation of her words, and when she smiled at him he could see her love in them. She kissed him with fiery sweetness, then stood and looked down at him for a long moment before gently untangling her fingers from his. Without speaking, she swiftly left the room and closed the door behind her.

A light from the kitchen shone out into the hall and she followed it. Ellie sat beside the table sewing one of the dresses for Mary Ben. She looked up when Vanessa came into the room. Her hands stilled, and her knowing eyes searched Vanessa’s teary face.

“He loves me, Aunt Ellie, but he’s going away. Did you know?”

“Yes.”

“He didn’t tell me where he’s going. Did he tell you?”

“I didn’t ask, dear.”

“I think someone is going to kill him. He won’t tell me about it because he doesn’t want me to worry. I don’t think I can bear not knowing.” Her sight was blurred by her tears. She sniffed and wiped her face on her sleeve.

“He must love you very much.”

“But not enough to tell me what’s taking him away from me. I don’t know, Aunt Ellie. I don’t know if I’m strong enough—”

“We’re all stronger than we think we are. Take one day at a time and be happy—make him happy. Make this the happiest time of his life. He’s a fine man.”

“But it’s not fair!” A desperate weariness enveloped Vanessa and she began to tremble.

“Who said life is fair? Go on to bed now, dear, and stop worrying over what you can’t help. I’ve fixed a room for you at the top of the stairs, on your right.”

“I’m not going to let him go! I mean it, Aunt Ellie. If someone is going to kill him they’ll have to kill me, too.”

“I don’t know what to say, dear. Get a good night’s rest. You’re worn out. In the morning you’ll see things in a different light.”

“I won’t! Oh, Aunt Ellie, I wish he hadn’t told me!”

“It wouldn’t have been fair to you. He did what he had to do to keep you from leaving. Take what happiness you can get, Vanessa. Take it and savor it. It comes to such a few of us during our lifetimes.”

“I’ll not give up, you know.”

“I know. Good night, dear.”

*  *  *

Footsteps going down the stairs awakened Vanessa and her first conscious thoughts were of Kain.
He loved her!
Then dark misgivings entered her mind. Determinedly she shoved them aside with the hope that something would happen to prevent him from leaving. She clung to that hope. He had told her that they should live each day as if they would be together forever and that was what she was going to do. It was what she was going to
try
to do.

The light of dawn lit the room with a faint glow. It was a small room with one window, a washstand, the bed and a massive wardrobe that stood against one wall. The bed was a white iron bedstead elaborately decorated with scrolls and gold knobs; the mattress was made of feather ticking. The night before Vanessa had paid little attention to the room. She had pulled off her clothes, drawn a nightdress over her head and gone to sleep, too weary to appreciate the luxury of lying in a real bed after weeks of discomfort in the narrow bunk in the wagon. Now she felt a hairpin poking into her neck and realized she hadn’t even bothered to take down her hair.

She got out of bed, went to the washstand and splashed water on her face. There was an urgency in her movements as she dressed again in the blue dress and laced her black shoes. She brushed her hair up and tied it at the crown with the blue ribbon Kain had given her. Out of curiosity she opened the door of the wardrobe. Her dresses hung there, and several of her boxes were on the floor.

What surprised her was her image in the mirror on the back of the door. In the long, narrow glass inset she could see herself clearly. Her face was thinner and her eyes larger. She had lost weight! The blue dress had a sash that went around her waist and tied in the back, and since it had always been a little too big for her she hadn’t noticed how much looser it had become when she put it on the night before. She looked closely at her face and discovered a generous sprinkling of freckles on her nose. She shrugged. Somehow freckles were not as important to her as they would have been in Missouri. Back there she would have carefully applied a mask of buttermilk morning and night if lemons were out of season until the small brown spots dulled or faded completely.