Double Blind (10 page)

Breathing hard, I pull out and take her off the table. I sink into the couch as she straddles my lap. My hands move over her arms and into her hair as she takes hold of the head of the couch. Her body rises and falls in front of me until she lowers her head to kiss me. I breathe in the scent of her hair—lavender. A smell that makes me inexplicably sad.

My hands move down her tiny neck to grope her tits. I will not be down while I’m fucking her. Not while these beautiful things are bouncing in front of me. Then I grab her hips to take control again. I thrust upwards as she tries to meet my rhythm. Smack. Smack.
Smack
.

My cock burns with a need for release, and now I know I can’t slow down for anything. She digs her fingers in my hair.

“I love you.”

She cries into my ear and I feel her muscles clenching around my cock. I groan when I feel it, and then I know it’s soon—any moment now.

And then the sweet release of my orgasm hits me. I keep myself buried inside her still pumping as hot streams burst from my cock. She grabs my head forcefully and kisses me, plunging her tongue inside my mouth.

I love you, too.

Then almost as quickly as it came, the pleasure fades away into memory, and I’m left with my trembling rage. My sadness. I can’t stay here when every kiss she gives me feels like torture. I lift her and set her aside, pulling my pants up and zipping them as quickly as possible.

She touches my leg and I look at her. Her eyes tell me that she wants me to stay, to hold her. If I did, it would only make leaving her harder.

“Goodbye.”

Adriana’s face screws up and the terrible sound of her crying follows me as I leave her dorm. I slam the door behind me. I just want to leave while I can still feel her hands all around me. My cock aches with the ruthless pounding I gave her. I just wanted to fuck her with all of my anger, and be done with it.

How fucking stupid am I?

My chest feels like there’s a python coiling around me, constricting my air.

I’ll give myself one day to feel sad about Adriana, and then I’ll move on.

My voice cries out inside my head and my eyes burn without tears. Inside, everything screams with the agony I’m feeling. The gaping emptiness.

ADRIANA

There’s a faint smell of piss in this bar, which gets stronger the closer I get to the restrooms. After walking several blocks of crumbling streets and dodging the ostentatious ringing of plastic cups with coins, I found the bar where I’m supposed to meet Tony. Men with ragged t-shirts and baseball caps glance at me from the bar in disbelief, as though they don’t believe my presence. I ordered a drink, but considering the clientele and the glasses marked with fingerprints, I don’t think I’ll be drinking it. A drunk man who sits nearby keeps glancing at me with a leer. I’ve never felt so unsafe in my life.

He wanted me to meet him in the back of the store without Jack, but I insisted on a public place. No way am I going anywhere alone with that psycho.

There’s rowdy laughter from the bar—a sound that makes me clench my hands. Then a man in a white tank top slips off his stool, heading to the bathroom. He stops when he passes my table.

“Whoa.”

He looks like a typical Jersey
guido
. Slicked back hair, shaved sides, and a fake tan. His eyes slip up and down laboriously as he checks me out.

“What?” I say a little aggressively.

Just get the fuck away from me, please.

A grin lights up his face. “You want to go home with me, baby? I don’t see a ring on your finger.”

“I’m not interested.”

“Why, do you have a boyfriend?”

I glare at him and his red, hostile eyes stare back. “No,” I say a little louder, “I’m just not interested.”

The urge to apologize rises inside me, but I stamp it down. I will not apologize to this fucker. I will not be bullied by yet another man. Fuck him.

His eyes hot, he walks until his torso is level with me. The idiot flexes his rippling biceps as he leans over me. “Why are you being such a bitch?”

“I’m not a bitch. I’m just not fucking interested in you. Now go away.”

Go away. It bursts out of me. When I was little, it was my mantra. I used to tell strangers, dogs, other children I didn’t like to
go away.

“You’re just a dumb slut,” he mutters finally when he shuffles to the bathroom.

Whatever.

I’m more annoyed than offended. The man I’m meeting scares me a lot more than that Jersey Shore wannabe jerk.

The door creaks open and a man’s huge bulk squeezes inside. Right away, he finds me sitting at the booth in the back. He waves to the bartender and orders something, and then he makes a beeline towards me. Tony grins down at me and suddenly takes my arm.

“Come on, let’s go in the back room.”

“No,” I rip my arm from him. “We can talk here.”

He gives me another amused look. “I own this bar, sweetie. I promise that if I wanted to, I could kill you right here in the open.”

And there’s no one to save me. Now that I’ve driven Vince away for good, I’m horribly alone. I think he knows that.

I stand up carefully, like I’m about to vomit. He takes my arm, leading me into the back while I try to swallow my tears. I know I haven’t been successful. What will he do to me? Will he beat me? Rape me?

He shoves me into a tiny office that smells of mold and I tumble into the chair. The wheels squeak as it rolls back slightly. Four walls. Closed in.

You can do this.

“It’s been a couple weeks. What have you got for me?”

He stands in front of me, blocking the only way out. His thick arms rest on his hips.

“N—not much.”

Tony frowns and wipes a frustrated hand down his face.

“I’m sorry, Tony. I’m trying. He’s very hard to read—I’m not sure if he even likes me like that.”

The suggestion makes him blow air out of his nose. “Of course, he fucking does. Show him some pussy and he’ll come running.”

I’m not a whore, you piece of shit.

“I did what you asked,” I say in a tight voice. “I broke up with Vince and made sure that he’ll never bother me again. I will get close to him, but it’s going to take time.”

“I don’t have time!” He grabs the arms of my chair and leans in, screaming in my face. “I’ve given you a lot of
fucking
leeway, but if you don’t do what I asked you to do, I will start by getting rid of your ex’s mother. I know you went to your mother and warned her to leave town. Stupid bitch!”

My head reels back when his hammy hand slaps my face. It burns hot and tears of rage spring into my eyes, but I keep it out of my voice.

“What? She’s gone?”

My mom left the city? When the hell did that happen?

I look at Tony’s small eyes, which are narrowed in suspicious. “Don’t fucking play dumb.”

“That wasn’t me, I swear to
God
. I haven’t seen her in months.”

It was probably Vince. Vince warned her to leave, I’m sure of it. Thinking about him just makes me want to cry.

Flecks of spit hit my face when he screams. “She’s going to talk and it’s all your
fucking
fault!”

He kicks the chair and my head slams against the wall. Stars burst in front of my vision.

“I—I swear, I didn’t tell her anything!”

“Like fuck you didn’t!”

Oh, Vince. I need you right now. I need you so fucking bad. My face screws up, but I think my tear ducts are permanently dried up.

“I’ll make something happen tonight, Tony,” I say in a high voice that doesn’t seem to belong to me. “I swear. I will.”

His face twists into that terrifying, mad grin. “You fucking better or I start by putting two holes in Mrs. Cesare’s fucking head. I can win this war, but the Vittorios can’t.”

* * *

I used to think that I was a smart girl. I pick up things easily. I adapt. I am adept at getting 100 percent on exams. Other things that people don’t see, I notice. That’s what makes me such a good student and card dealer.

How could such a smart person get herself in such a situation?

I don’t really consider myself human anymore. I’m just a bundle of nerves and fear. Constantly sick to my stomach, wondering when Tony’s patience will run and I’ll meet my end as I’m walking to class. Or in this shitty dorm room. Right in front of Maria. Two holes in the head. Or they could make me disappear so completely that no one would ever hear from me again. Not that anyone would go looking.

A smart person would go to the police or the FBI. They could maybe protect me, but then I would be spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, and I would be throwing Vince under the bus.

I’m fucked.

I read the same sentence over and over again. I’ve read it nearly five times, but I can’t decipher anything out of it. It’s all gibberish.

Setting down the calculus book, I watch Maria. She’s curled up on her bed as she talks to her boyfriend on the phone. Her giggles constantly crack through my concentration. The lighthearted sound irritates me. What I wouldn’t
give
to be that carefree.

I shove the book out of sight. Who the fuck cares about class? I have bigger things to worry about right now. More than anything, I want to run back into Vince’s arms and explain everything. I just want to give up control and let him protect me. I’ve done it so many times that I can’t count. Which makes me feel so useless.

Dad’s cold body sits in that grave plot I stopped visiting, quietly rotting into dust while I help his murderers kill a man who has been perfectly nice to me.

Grow a backbone and forget about your issues with the Rizzo family.

Blinking back tears, I reach into our mini fridge to grab the bottle of vodka. I hesitate for a moment before I unscrew the cap. There’s no more Vince to keep me away from what I want the most. I pour a generous amount into my coffee mug as Maria watches out of the corner of her eye, and I take a sip. A small shudder runs through my body as it burns down my throat.

Ah, it feels good.

It’s nice not to have him breathing down my neck about every drop of alcohol I consume. It calms me, numbs all feeling so that I don’t feel my racing heart.

How the fuck do I make this guy like me?

Maybe if I go there a bit tipsy, I’ll have a bit more courage to—to I don’t know, flirt. Maybe I won’t be consumed with this nauseating dread and paralyzing fear that Mrs. Cesare might end up dead if I don’t make major strides with Carmine tonight.

He’s just such a decent, polite guy that the guilt I feel makes it that much harder.

It’s either him or us.

Maria ends her phone call and tosses her phone on the bed, giving me a beady look that I ignore.

“Another drink, eh?”

The judgment in her voice makes me snarl. “Yeah.”

She tosses her thickly highlighted hair behind her shoulders. “Are you sure you’re doing okay? Ever since you and Vince broke up, I don’t know—you’ve been different.”

I know she’s delicately hinting towards the fact that I’m a fucking mess. So what? She has no idea what I’m going through.

“I’m a bit stressed, that’s all. It has nothing to do with him.”

She stares at me, probably seeing right through my lies as easily as a knife sliding through butter.

“I don’t know how these mafia assholes got you, but it’s pretty easy to tell that they have some kind of hold on you. I don’t know what it’s about, but I’m worried, Ade.”

I set the mug down and iron my face with my hands, rubbing hard. “I am in a bit of trouble, but it’s temporary.”

Maria blinks rather rapidly as she inhales sharply. “Is it serious?”

“Maria, please stay out of this.”

She gives me an extremely offended look. “I’m only trying to help you—”

I stand up, feeling more and more nettled by the second. “No, you’re being nosy.

 “Have you considered—I mean, have you thought about going to the poli—”

“Are you out of your goddamn mind?” The air seems to vibrate with my screams. “Stay the fuck out of it!”

Maria blinks rather rapidly, her face burning red as my words seem to strike her in the face. I hurt her. At once, I feel a wave of remorse. Why am I yelling at my best friend? Why am I doing any of this?

“Sorry.” Tears burst from my throat and I sink to the floor, appalled with myself. “Oh, fuck.”

There is no way out of this.

She climbs down her chair and sits down beside me, throwing an arm around my shoulder. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” Her voice is thick with tears. She sounds like she hardly believes it.

I let her arms surround me, desperate for a sliver of hope. I miss her. I miss just hanging out with her and not having to worry about all this shit, going to class, hanging out in cafes. I miss it all.

She waits until the tears subside before talking again. “What does Vincent think about all this?” she says softly.

“He doesn’t really know, and I plan to keep it that way.” I raise my tear-stained head from her shoulder and wipe my eyes. “I’ve got to get ready for work.”

Maria’s mournful gaze follows me as I disappear into the bathroom. I stand under the shower, hoping that the hot water will somehow seep into my brain to give me a sudden jolt of understanding—an idea that will solve all my problems.

I’m too drunk to think.

* * *

The lights in front of Worlds Casino seem more hazy than usual, or maybe it’s the alcohol fucking up my brain. The colorful lights in the casino blur together, the sounds oddly distorted.

Jesus Christ.

After Tony’s threats, I needed to do something to numb the gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear. I actually held my cell phone in my hand and my thumb trembled over the “call” button next to Vince’s name. Tony did threaten to
kill his mother
.

I don’t think he’ll really do it. It was a bluff—just something to scare me into action.

It worked.

My heels scuff on a hole in the carpet of the casino, and I nearly stumble.

A venomous voice that sounds remarkably like Vincent’s hisses in my head.
Pull yourself together, for fuck’s sake.