Double Fudge (13 page)

"You think I do?"

"Just promise you'll come."

"Okay ... I promise."

"Thanks."

I was hoping that when I got home the Howies would be gone. And if not gone, then packing. Instead, the Natural Beauties had returned and all five of the Honolulu Hatchers were lined up in their sleeping bags, out cold.

Two nights turned into four, four nights, into seven. It was the longest week of my life, except for the time Fudge swallowed Dribble, my pet turtle. Finally, Dad said, "Well, Howie ... it's been wonderful getting to know your family but now ..."

"I know, Tubby ... and we feel as bad about leaving as you do. I know you wish we could stay longer ..."

"But you're traveling around the country, and you still have a lot to see," I said, hoping I was right.

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"That was the plan," Cousin Howie said. "But plans sometimes change. And thanks to Henry Bevelheimer ..."

Thanks to Henry Bevelheimer
what?

"We're going to sublet the Chens' apartment while they're traveling in China. Which means we'll be your neighbors until the first of December."

"But but but..." I began.

"Peter, my boy ..." Cousin Howie said, "no one understands better than me how hard it would have been to say good-bye. So even though we'll be separated by ten floors, we'll still be together for another six weeks."

"Six weeks!" Fudge said. "That's how long Uncle Feather's going to wear his splint."

Six weeks!
I thought.
No
... no ... And I fell to the floor.

Fudge laughed. "When Pete gets good news he always pretends to faint!"

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Dad proposed we celebrate our own small family by having dinner at Isola, our favorite neighborhood restaurant. As soon as we walked in, I noticed

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Courtney, this girl from my humanities class. She was with her family. "Hi, Peter," she said.

"Oh ... uh ... hi, Courtney."

"Where are the
Heavenlys?"
she asked. "I hope they're coming back to school soon. They are soooo cool."

"They're not coming back to school."

"That is soooo disappointing."

I shrugged.

"Tell them Courtney from humanities said
hi."

"I'll do that."

As I walked away I heard Courtney telling her parents, "That's Peter Hatcher. He's related to the
Heavenly Hatchers.
He is soooo lucky."

As soon as I sat down at our table, Fudge asked, "Is that your girlfriend, Pete?"

"No, that's
not
my girlfriend," I told him. "I don't
have
a girlfriend, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you about her."

"Don't worry, Pete. Someday you'll find one."

"I'm not worried."

"Because you're not
that
ugly."

"Would somebody turn him off," I said to my parents.

"That's enough, Fudge," Mom said.

Tootsie banged on the table with a spoon. "Eeeenuf, Foo!" Then she threw the spoon. It just missed the waiter

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who was bringing us a basket of bread. Fudge helped himself to a piece, pushed out the middle, and stuffed in into his mouth. Mom handed his crust to Tootsie.

"Guess who came to mixed group today?" Fudge asked, his mouth so full he could hardly talk.

"Rumpelstiltskin?" I said.

Fudge laughed.

"Don't laugh with food in your mouth," I told him.

"Why not?"

Mom and I answered at the same time. I said, "Because it's disgusting." Mom said, "Because you could choke."

"It was the
Stranger Danger
policeman," Fudge said, after he'd chewed and swallowed. "He showed us a video, then we all got secret code names. Only our family can know our secret code name. Want to hear mine?" He motioned for us to come close. "I have to whisper so no one else can hear." We leaned in. "It's
Egduf Muriel,"
Fudge told us. "Isn't that a good code name?"

"Shush ..." Fudge said. Then he whispered again. "It's
Fudge
spelled backwards."

"Oh yeah ...
Fudge
spelled backwards. Very clever."

"What about the
Muriel
part?" Mom asked.

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"That's how you get your code name," Fudge explained. "You spell your first name backwards, and use your grandma's first name for your last name."

"Suppose you have more than one grandma?" I asked.

"Peter ..." Dad said, "let's not make this more complicated than it already is."

"Yeah ... okay," I said. "But I don't get the point of this secret code name."

"It's in case someone tries to steal me, Pete!"

"Steal you?" I asked.
Who'd want to steal him?

"Yeah, Pete. Like some stranger comes up and says,
Your mom's in the hospital and I'm supposed to take you to see her."

Mom said, "I never want you to go anywhere with a stranger, no matter what."

"I know," Fudge said. "I don't talk to strangers, I don't get into cars with strangers, and I don't help strangers find their puppies. So there!"

"That's exactly right," Mom told him. She took a long drink of water.

"But just in case," Fudge said, "it's good to have a code name. So if a stranger
does
come up to me and says,
Please help me find my puppy,
I can say,
What's my code name?
And if he doesn't know it, I don't go with him."

That got Mom really upset. "Fudge, listen

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carefully ..." she said. "It doesn't matter what a stranger says. It doesn't matter if the stranger is a man or a woman or a teenager. If a stranger tries to talk to you, you shout,
I
don't talk to strangers! Then you run as fast as you can until you find someone you can trust--a policeman or a teacher or a ... a ..."

"Dog?" Fudge asked.

"Woof woof,"
Tootsie said.

"Not a dog!" Mom told him. "How could a dog help you?"

"That was a joke, Mom," Fudge said.

Mom turned to Dad. "I think I'd better have a talk with William and find out what this is all about."

"It's about
Stranger Danger,
Mom," Fudge said. "I already told you that."

A few days before Halloween the elevator in our building was converted to self-service. We've known for months it was going to happen. On the inside, the elevator still looks the same, with a mirrored wall and an upholstered bench. But now, instead of Henry running it, all you have to do is push a button to get to the floor you want. Henry says he's looking forward to his new job as super of our building.

The best thing about the new elevator is the tiny video camera. It's supposed to be for security--or
Stranger Danger
--as Fudge says. This way, nobody can

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get into our elevator without Henry knowing about it. He can watch what's happening on a monitor in our lobby. Anyone else who's interested can watch, too. At first everyone in the building stopped to have a look.

There's Mrs. Tubman putting on her lipstick.

Isn't that Mr. Perez tying his running shoes?

Ohhhh, the Reillys are kissing.

Hey, Gina Golden is adjusting her underwear!

It was like
Candid Camera.
Soon everyone wised up to the fact that they could be seen on the monitor. After that, the Reillys held hands but didn't kiss, and most people stopped checking themselves out in the mirror. Except Fudge. The minute he realized he could be seen on video, he started jumping up and down, waving his arms, and making stupid faces, usually with his tongue hanging out.

Henry called a meeting just for the kids in the building, especially since Halloween is coming. The trick-or-treat sign-up sheet is already posted in the elevator. That's one great thing about living in a high-rise in New York. You never have to leave your building to go trick-or-treating. Not that I'll be trick-or-treating anymore. No. My trick-or-treat days are over. Makes me feel funny to think I'm too old for trick-or-treating. Reminds me of how I felt when I had my first double-digit birthday.
Ten,
I kept saying

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to myself. I'll be in double digits for the rest of my life--unless I live to be over one hundred. Yeah. That'd be cool--to get into triple-digit birthdays. Olivia Osterman might make it. If she does, and I ever get another dog, I'll name him George or Rufus, in her honor.

At the kids' meeting, Henry reminded us the videocam is for our security, not our entertainment, and he looked directly at Fudge. He demonstrated how to use the DOOR OPEN and the DOOR CLOSE buttons. He asked us to close our eyes and feel the numbers and symbols on the buttons. They were all in braille so people who are blind, like Mr. Willard, can use the elevator on his own. Henry said anyone who pushes buttons just for fun will lose elevator privileges. He showed us how we could talk to him and he could talk to us in case there's an
incident.

"What's an
incident?"
Fudge asked.

"Anything that's not supposed to happen in the elevator," Henry said.

"What's not supposed to happen?"

"Let me put it this way, Fudge ... the
only
thing that's supposed to happen is you push the button for the floor you want, the elevator takes you there, and you get out. Same as when I was running the elevator for you."

Then he tested all the kids under twelve.

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If you passed Henry's test, you were allowed to use the elevator on your own. If you didn't, too bad. You'd have to take it again. Fudge passed on his first try.

"Does Mini have a code name?" Fudge asked Eudora. We were in the elevator on Saturday morning. Eudora was on her way to the park with Fudge and Mini. I was meeting Jimmy at the subway station. He was coming up to spend the day with me.

"What kind of code name?" Eudora asked Fudge.

"You know ..." Fudge said, "a
code
name. So nobody can steal him."

"Steal
him?" Eudora asked.

"Yes."

"Farley knows he's not supposed to talk to strangers," Eudora said. Only Eudora and Howie still call Mini
Farley.

"Yeah, but does he know if a stranger asks him to help find a puppy, he should run the other way, yell as loud as he can, and tell a
good
grown-up?"

Eudora grabbed Mini's hand. "Right now I don't let him out of my sight when we're on the street." She was quiet for a minute, then she asked Fudge if he had a code name.

Fudge nodded. "A
secret
code name that only the family knows. You want to hear it?"

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"Well, yes ... I guess since I'm family I should know."

"It's
Egduf Muriel,"
Fudge whispered.

"What an unusual name," Eudora said. "Isn't that an unusual name, Farley?"

"Egduf," Mini said.

"Shush ..." Fudge warned him. "Never say it out loud."

"Egduf," Mini whispered.

"That's better," Fudge said. "In case you want to know what it means, it's "Fudge" spelled backwards."

Eudora was quiet for a minute, then she said,
"Yelraf."

"What?" Fudge asked.

"Yelraf,"
Eudora repeated. "That's "Farley" spelled backwards."

"Now he needs a last name. Do you have a mother?" he asked Eudora.

"I did, but she died a few years ago. Her name was Rose."

"You got that, Mini?" Fudge said. "Your code name is
Yelraf Rose,
but it's a secret so don't tell anyone."

"I think Mini's too young to get it," I told Fudge.

"You're never too young for a code name, Pete. And never too old either. You better start working on yours if you're going to take the subway by yourself."

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"Thanks for the advice, Fudge."

"Better safe than sorry! That's what Grandma always says."

Not that I'd admit it to Fudge, but all his talk about code names got me thinking maybe I should have one, too.
Hmmm ... let's see.
I spelled my name backwards in my head.
Retep.
Then I threw in my middle name spelled backwards just to make it more interesting.
Nerraw.
Then I added Grandma's name.
Muriel.
That made me
Retep Nerraw Muriel.
Good name. But who should I tell? Not Fudge--he'd broadcast it to the world. Jimmy? I don't think so. He might laugh. I still couldn't figure out how having a code name would help if I met up with trouble on the subway or anyplace else.

As soon as the Howies were settled in the Chens' apartment, Eudora invited us down to dinner.

"Do I have to go?" I asked Mom.

"Yes."

"Can't you tell them I have a stomachache or something?"

"No."

"Can I go home the second I'm done eating? Because I have a lot of homework."

"You can go home as soon as the table is cleared," Mom said. "As long as you're polite about it."

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"I'll be very polite. You wouldn't believe how polite I can be when I want to be polite. I'll be so polite ..."

"Okay, Peter," Mom said. "I get your point."

At the dinner table, the talk turned to Halloween. Fudge said, "Mini can trick-or-treat with me."

"We're taking him," Flora said. "We've always been curious about ..."

"Halloween," Fauna said.

"What's all this talk about Halloween?" Howie asked. "You know how I feel about candy."

"We don't care about the ..." Fauna began.

"Candy," Flora said. "We're interested in the cultural ..."

"Event," Fauna said. "We want to ..."

"Observe," Flora said, "as part of our ..."

"Studies," Fauna said.

Mom told Cousin Howie how safe it is to trick-or-treat in our building. "We know all the neighbors."

Eudora said, "It might be educational for them to experience Halloween one time, Howie."

Cousin Howie drummed his fingers on the table. His eyebrows crept together. After a while he said, "All right, but just this one time. And no candy. Candy will rot your teeth."

"You don't have to worry about candy, Daddy," the Natural Beauties said together.

I was beginning to see how this worked.

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Cousin Howie said
No
to everything. The Natural Beauties begged and pleaded. Eudora was usually on their side. She had to present the case very carefully to Howie. But in the end, the Natural Beauties almost always got their way.

"What's Mini going to be for Halloween?" Fudge asked.

"He's going to be a ..." Flora began.

"Tiger," Fauna said.

Mini growled.

"Or maybe a ..." Flora began again.

"Lion," Fauna said.

Mini growled, louder this time.

"I know," Flora said. "He wants to be a ..."