Downsizing (15 page)

“
He feels that he’s sold himself
down the river, I suppose.”

“
Precisely, but it brings in
plenty of dosh, and to assuage his guilt for lowering his sights,
he passes more on to me as I could ever spend, what with my simple
tastes and all,” he quipped.

“
That explains your satirical
splendor. And this gaff too, I suppose.” She grinned. “But come on,
don’t stop now. You said there were two things.”

“
All right, but I hope you’re
still going to like me after I make this confession.”

“’
Course I will. Come on, Greg,
stop prevaricating, like you always do when you don’t want to do
something, and spit it out.”

He stood and, with his back to her, stared out
of the window, telling her that his two years abroad had been spent
in South Africa, working with AIDS victims.

“
I think that’s splendid,” she
said, wondering why he was making such a big deal of it. “I hear
its reached epidemic proportions over there.”

“
You don’t know the half of it.”
His tone was unnaturally serious, which bothered her. Greg was
seldom serious about anything. “Some of the things I saw still give
me nightmares. Little children, born HIV positive, it’s
heart-breaking.” He paused for a little too long. “Aren’t you going
to ask me why I chose AIDS, then?”

“
Okay,” she said, perplexed. “Why
did you choose AIDS?”

“
I should have thought the answer
to that one would be obvious.”

“
Not to me. Anyway, you told me to
ask.”

“
Yeah well, the truth is, I’m
gay.”

She shrugged. “Are you really? I didn’t
realize.”

He finally turned to face her. “And it doesn’t
bother you?”

She shook her head. “Why on earth should
it?”

“
Some people find it hard to
take.”

“
I’m not some people,” she said,
standing up to hug him. “I’m your friend, remember.”

“
Thanks. I’ve wanted to tell you
for a while, but was worried you’d be repulsed.”

“
Thanks for the vote of
confidence.” She kissed his cheek and stood back to examine him. “I
must say that you don’t look gay. I never would have
guessed.”

“
What,” he said, sounding much
more like his old self again. “Because I don’t wear outrageous
clothes and make bitchy comments about everyone I meet?” He minced
round the room and flapped a limp wrist at her, making her laugh.
“I don’t advertise my sexuality, Max, but I’m not ashamed of it
either. I’m just an old-fashioned, closeted gay, I suppose, and
reckon it’s nobody’s business but my own.”

“
Quite right, too!” She grinned at
him. “Do you have a partner?”

“
I did,” he said, his expression
shutting down. “But he died of a disease, the name of which we
mustn’t speak.”

“
Which is why you went to Africa,
I suppose.”

“
Smart girl!” He refilled their
glasses. “Right then, Max,” he said, shaking off his somber mood.
“Spill the beans. There’s something in your past that haunts you. I
saw it in your eyes that first day we had a drink together.” When
she didn’t speak it was his turn to chivvy her along. “Come on, it
can’t be as bad as the admissions I’ve just made to
you.”

And so, for the first time since
The
Betrayal
, it all came pouring out. With Greg seated beside her,
holding her hand, hesitantly at first, she told him her story. It
was interspersed with numerous pauses as she grappled to keep her
emotions under control, but once she’d started talking about it,
she couldn’t seem to stop. As the words tumbled clumsily over each
other in their haste to get past her tongue, she felt something
inside her unlocking. She didn’t notice the tears pouring down her
face until she’d almost reached the end of her story and the stream
had turned into a torrent.

All out of words, she rested her head of
Greg’s knee, removed her glasses, and sobbed her heart
out.

“
I take it you still love the
bastard, then?”

“
Don’t call him that. He was my
friend. I think we got on so well because he felt safe with me, and
sex didn’t get in the way of our friendship.”

“
Why not?”

“
Why not? Would you want to have
sex with an ugly, bespectacled woman who weighed more than you
did?” She laughed mirthlessly. “I’d have probably flattened
him.”

“
Well, I’m not really qualified to
answer questions like that. But if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say
that the saintly Noah could see beyond your size.”

“
He said he could, and I believed
him at the time because I wanted to. But I’m a different person
now, and I know better. I’ve grown up,” she added with a dignity
that made him chuckle.

“
Well, for what it’s worth, I
think he saw in you the same thing that I did when we first met. I
didn’t notice your size, because I was more interested in the
intelligent girl I could see beneath it. A girl with so much to
offer the world, if only she could get over her lack of
self-confidence.”

“
Thanks, but you’re one of the few
who seems to feel that way,” she said, sniffling. “Even here at
Cambridge, where it shouldn’t matter, my size still affects
people’s attitudes.”

“
Then they’re not people who’re
worth knowing, and neither is this Noah character. You’ve wasted
quite enough tears over him,” he said, handing her a
handkerchief.

“
Funnily enough, I haven’t.” She
shrugged self-consciously. “Oh, I’ve
wanted
to, but the
tears just wouldn’t come. This is the first time I’ve had a good
cry over it.”

“
Good God! You mean you’ve been
bottling up all this time. That’s crazy!”

“
No crazier than you keeping your
secret.”

“
That’s different. Anyway, do you
feel better now?”

Maxine thought about it, and discovered that
she actually did. “Yes, I think talking has helped a
lot.”

“
And you’ll forget all about him,
and get on with your life?”

“
I don’t think so,” she replied
decisively. “I don’t think I could even if I wanted to, which I
don’t. He was such an important part of my life that he’ll always
hover on its periphery.” She shook her head. “No, that’s not true.
He occupies a place somewhere close to where my heart used to be,
when I still had one. I can’t imagine feeling that way about anyone
else, ever.”

“
You will. Give it
time.”

“
No,” she said emphatically.
“There’ll never be anyone else for me.” She sighed. “Oh, Greg, I
wish you could have seen him. That someone who looks like he’s just
stepped off the pages of a magazine was interested in me even as a
friend was just so surreal, you have no idea.”

“
In spite of the fact that he
married your friend?”

“
If I thought he’d been seeing
Cassie on the sly, when all the time he pretended to hate her, it
might have been possible for me to put him out of my mind, but
knowing she trapped him…Well, I actually feel sorry for him. I know
what she’s really like, you see, what she’s capable of if she
doesn’t get her way. I’m sure he can’t be happy with her.” She let
out a small laugh. “But if I can’t hate Noah, I can certainly hate
Cassie for what she’s done to him, and to me. One day, I swear,
I’ll get even with her. Sometimes that’s the only thought that
keeps me sane.”

“
It doesn’t do to bear grudges,
Max. Take it from one who knows.”

“
I can’t seem to help it,” she
said, knowing he was right. “I’m just clinging on, you see,
immersing myself in college life and taking one day at a time.
Besides, Noah didn’t actually make me any promises, so it was more
a case of me getting the wrong end of the stick.”

“
We’re a right old pair, aren’t
we.” Greg slid an arm round her shoulders and gave them a squeeze.
“The closet gay who’s afraid to love again and the woman scorned
who’s determined not to.”

Maxine conceded that he had a point. “You’ll
probably think I’m pathetic, but I keep his picture beside my bed
and talk to him every night. I tell him what I’ve done during the
day because I know it would interest him.”

But Greg told her that didn’t think it was
pathetic at all, because he spoke to his dead lover in exactly the
same way.

Chapter Eleven

Noah and Cassie moved onto Broad Street during
the first week of December. Cassie developed a sudden interest in
her new home and was imbued with a frenetic energy to perfect the
interior. She chose furnishings that were way too expensive and not
altogether suitable, but Noah was so pleased to see her passion for
the place that he let her have her way.

The upstairs apartment was on the market for
just two days before it was snapped up by first-time buyers at the
full asking price. Noah was euphoric.

“
We can afford to be a little bit
more ambitious with our next project,” he told Joey. “Given that we
got so much for upstairs, and that Kitty still wants a part of the
next one.”

“
How’s she coping?”

Noah grinned. “Well, since telling Ryan about
her inheritance and saying that he’s welcome to do as he likes with
his bimbos because she no longer gives a toss, he’s been toeing the
line.”

Joey chuckled. “Good for her! She’s a nice
lady, and deserves better than Ryan.”

“
Yeah, ain’t that the truth,” Noah
said, too buoyed up with his plans to spare much thought for
anything else. “There’re two adjoining semis going under the hammer
at the next auction. I’ve been to check them out, and they’re
perfect for us.” He pointed to the appropriate page in the
catalogue that he pulled from his back pocket. “A speculator
snapped them up a couple of years ago, but then lost a load of
money on a dodgy investment, so he hasn’t done anything with them.
Planning permission was granted to split them into four units. It’s
expired now, but it’ll just be a formality to revive
it.”

Joey shuffled his feet and cleared his throat.
“Noah, I don’t think I want to get involved with the next
one.”

“
Why not?” Noah glanced up from
the catalogue. “Don’t you think it sounds kosher? If not, we’ll
find something else.”

“
It’s not that.” He grimaced.
“It’s just that I don’t think I’m cut out to be a wheeler-dealer.
All the problems we’ve had with people who might or might not be
trying to shaft us have really got to me. You seem to be able to
take it all in your stride, but I can’t relax when I leave work for
worrying about what’s gonna go wrong next. And that was just two
small conversions. Your plans are big and, well…I suppose I’m a
follower and not a leader.”

“
I understand, but—”

“
Besides, Rachel and I want to get
married straightaway. Her business is growing, and she needs her
own kitchen. We’ve seen a ramshackle flat on Mead Avenue that I
could put a down-payment on with my share from upstairs.” He looked
up from his feet for the first time since starting his obviously
well-rehearsed speech, and met Noah’s eye. “I’m sorry, Noah, I
don’t wanna let you down, but I have to put Rachel
first.”

“’
Course you do. Don’t worry about
it, mate.” Noah patted his shoulder, his mind already whirling as
he tried to think who else might be willing to invest.

“
I’m gonna see if I can sign on
with John Diamond’s mob. They’re always on the lookout for
labor.”

“
Don’t do that, Joey. I can’t
manage without you.”

“
Yes, but I don’t—”

“
Work for me if you don’t want to
be my partner, and I’ll match whatever Diamond would have paid you.
I need someone I can trust on the job.”

Joey grinned. “Thanks, Noah. That would be
brilliant! I hoped you might suggest it but didn’t like to
ask.”

* * * *

Noah keenly anticipated Christmas simply
because Maxine was bound to come home. He’d never stopped thinking
about her, and wouldn’t let up until he’d persuaded her to rekindle
their friendship. Knowing a face-to-face meeting would be the best
way to talk her round was the only reason why he hadn’t continued
trying to reach her.

His hopes were dashed a week before Christmas
when he bumped into Mrs. Small lugging an over-stuffed bag in the
direction of the train station. She told him she was on her way to
spend the festive season with her family in Cambridge, blithely
unaware of the devastation that casual remark caused
him.

Noah was forced to accept that he’d blown his
chances with Maxine. Over the following weeks he developed a sort
of instinctive defense mechanism that kept the hurt at bay by
having conversations with her—in his head when he was working with
others, aloud when he was alone. He still read whenever he could
snatch a few minutes, and always carried a book in his new
briefcase when heading for appointments, having learned that other
people’s idea of punctuality didn’t mirror his own.

He discussed what he read with Maxine,
conducting both sides of the conversation simultaneously,
deliberately making inane remarks just so that he could formulate
the responses—so typical of her—where she put him right without
sounding sarcastic or patronizing. He found these conversations
strangely soothing, and looked forward to being alone so he could
have a lively debate with her. His behavior made Noah wonder
sometimes if he was cracking up.