Drawn to the Vampire (Blood and Absinthe, Book 4) (23 page)

Kit nibbled on her lower lip. “I don’t know if I believe that,” she said finally. “That’s the story, of course. But by its very nature, no one’s ever been able to verify it. We don’t know what happens to mortals after death.”

“I know. That’s why you have to have faith, the ability to believe in things unseen. Things you can’t prove.”

“As a scientist, that’s hard for me to do.”

“As a vampire, it’s easy for me to do. But I’m cut off forever from whatever afterlife once awaited me.”

Kit frowned. “But you can’t know that for sure. Not really. I mean, if there really is a God…the kind of God you grew up believing in…then…don’t you think he can manage about vampires? I mean, if I can see the goodness in you, don’t you think God can?”

Luke smiled. “You think there’s a place for vampires in heaven? That’s generous of you, but it goes against everything I was ever taught. And that’s why I’ve been looking for a way to recover my humanity.”

“You want to die?”

“I want to die as a human.”

“But you don’t know for sure that there’s a heaven…or a God. Would you really give up immortality for the hope of an afterlife that may not even be real?”

“Does that seem so strange to you? Well, then, let me ask you this. Do you want to be a vampire? Or to make it even simpler—do you want to be immortal? Have you ever thought about that?”

“Actually, I have. I work in a field that makes you think about it. Robotics, computers, artificial intelligence. What if we could download our consciousness into a computer, and essentially live forever? Lots of people I know at MIT would do it in a second.”

“Would you?”

“No. I think that the fact that we’re organic is somehow essential to the way we think and see the world. And part of being organic is…what did you call it? Mutability.”

“So you should be able to understand what I’m talking about.”

“I guess I do. My mother always said we treasure life because it’s finite. Because we know it will end, we don’t take it for granted. Of course, Fae live a lot longer than ordinary humans—but we do eventually age and die. I think death is a part of life, but…I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know what will happen when I die. To my…well, my soul, I guess. I’m not even sure I believe in souls.”

“You believe in vampires and magic and parallel universes, but not souls?”

“I’ve seen vampires and magic and parallel universes in action. I’ve never seen a soul.” She shook her head. “Enough with the metaphysics. We’re getting off topic. This whole conversation started because you were supposed to tell me about your trip to the land of the dead. How did you think that would make you human?”

“A long time ago, I came across a ring. The one I wear on my right hand. It can be used to call the goddess Demeter—or the being our world has always known by that name. What her true nature is I don’t know, but she has power over growing things…and the ability to restore a vampire’s humanity. I’ve used the ring to call her many times, whenever I have anything of value to offer her. But she’s always refused my request. I went to the land of the dead to steal the Gem of Fanor because I’d heard that all the gods desire it, and I hoped it would be an offering she would finally accept. But she didn’t.”

“I’m sorry. But you know, Luke, it was lucky for me that she didn’t. Without you, I wouldn’t stand a chance of saving Peter. It’s because you’re a vampire that I have that chance.”

“I know. It’s the first time in decades I’ve been truly glad to be a monster.”

She frowned at him. “You’re not a monster.”

“Do you need me to do the ‘fang thing’ again, as you call it?”

“Fangs don’t make you a monster.” Kit shifted restlessly in his arms. “We’ve had enough of the supernatural tonight. Can we talk about something ordinary? Something…earthy. Like food. Or the weather.”

When she moved, her knee brushed against his groin. Luke had been congratulating himself on his restraint until that brief moment of contact.

“Tell me about your first sexual experience,” he heard himself say.

She pulled back to look at him, and Luke unconsciously tightened his hold.

“Why do you—”

“Because I want you, and I can’t have you, and I don’t have the strength to leave this bed. The least you can do is regale me with your past glories. Go on, Kit. Tell me about the first man you ever slept with.”

He knew it was a bad idea. His jealousy was as likely to push him over the edge as her nearness. But he had to know. He had to know who had touched her before him—not that he’d touched her yet. Nor ever would, if he could just get through the next few days.

Kit cocked one eyebrow at him. “Are you going to hunt him down and cut out his heart?”

Luke smiled in spite of himself. “Only if you’re silly enough to give me his name and address, love.”

Kit’s expression turned inward for a moment. Then she sighed.

“I was just thinking how
not
the next-best-thing-to-sex this is going to be, but maybe that’s good. My history with men is so boring that it’ll probably calm you right down. My first time was about as unsexy as you can get.”

Luke raised himself up on one elbow. “Unsexy?”

Kit frowned. “Well...it was sort of…clinical.”

“Clinical?”

“Yes.”

“What does that mean?”

Kit curled up on her side, pillowing her cheek on her forearm. Luke lay back down again.

“It was my junior year, and I’d never had sex. One of my best friends was a senior, and he’d never had sex either. We were sick of being virgins. So we decided to do it and get it over with. Sort of like a medical procedure.”

“A
medical
procedure?”

“Well…more like a scientific experiment. We were curious.”

 “I see.”

“Like I said, it was sort of clinical. He brought condoms and I brought lubricant—”

“Lubricant?”

“Well, I’d read about the whole sexual process, of course—”

“Of course,” Luke said gravely. “Heaven forbid you skimp on the research.”

“Do you want to hear this or not? Anyway, I wasn’t sure my body would produce the requisite, you know, moisture, so I brought some back-up.”

“Moisture production is the man’s job.”

“Well, George—I mean, uh, Bingo—had never done this either. I didn’t think it was fair to expect him to—”

“All right, all right. So how was it?”

Kit sighed again. “About like you’d expect. Short and to the point. Also painful, since it was my first time.”

Luke felt a clawing of anger in his chest, anger that this ignorant boy had hurt her with his fumblings.

“And then it was over, and our friendship was totally screwed up, because George—I mean Bingo—became suddenly convinced that I was the love of his life, and it was only when he took a job in California that he finally left me alone.”

“So presumably it wasn’t as bad for him as it was for you.”

“I don’t know,” Kit said, her voice sounding hopeless.

Luke was ready to take back what he’d said about cutting the guy’s heart out.

“Tell me about the others.”

“What others?”

“The others after…
Bingo
.”

“There weren’t any others,” Kit said stiffly.

“There weren’t? Why not?”

“I was curious about sex so I performed an experiment. As far as I was concerned the experiment was a failure, and I had no desire to repeat it. Besides, I had my work.”

“Do you mean to tell me—”

“That I’m sexually boring? Yes, I am. Sorry to disappoint you. But maybe that’ll slake your whole vampire lust thing. That’s what you wanted, right?”

She took a deep breath. “It’s your own fault. You asked, and I told you. I’m sorry it wasn’t more titillating.” Her voice was cold, almost bitter, and Luke could have kicked himself.

“Listen, idiot, I don’t want to be titillated. I just…want to know you. Who you are. Everything about you.”

“Okay, well, now you know I’m frigid. That’s what George said, anyway. When I wouldn’t sleep with him again.”

Another bolt of rage shot through him. “George was a moron. Obviously. In four hundred years I’ve never met anyone more passionate than you are.”

Kit’s jaw was tight. “How come no one else has ever thought so?”

“I don’t know. Because they’re idiots? Or because you didn’t know it yourself? I think you made a decision a long time ago to lock the door on your passion. But you’re letting it out now. Look at the warrior you’ve become. And if that’s not enough, remember our kiss in the underworld. It burned me from the inside, and I know you felt the same way.”

Kit stared at him. “It’s not fair,” she whispered.

“What’s not fair?”

“You talk about unleashing all these things inside me, and then you don’t—”

Now he understood what she was talking about. “Kit, you know why we can’t—”

“I know, I know. It’s just…I never thought I’d feel these things, want these things, and now that I do, I can’t have them.”

Luke pulled her to him in a fierce embrace. “Passion is your birthright. If I hadn’t brought it out someone else would have.”

“No!” she cried. “Only you, Luke—”

His heart sang at her words, but he forced himself to deny them. “I’m yours forever, but you—you don’t have to be bound to me. After all this is over, you’ll meet some—”

“Some what? Some normal guy? Have you not heard a single word I’ve said? I love you, Luke! I don’t want anyone else.”

The demon in him felt a rush of savage delight. The man took hold of himself and spoke gently into her hair.

“You feel that way now. But it’s not right that you—”

“Stop it. You’re turning human, you know that? Right before my eyes. Maybe you’re getting your wish after all.”

When she spoke again it was so softly he almost missed the words. “I almost wish the vampire would come back.”

His arms tightened around her.

“I’m sorry, Kit. But I don’t want that part of myself anywhere near you. Even if that makes you hate me.”

She pushed against his chest so she could look him in the eye. “I’ll never hate you. I’ll love you until the day I die. I just…want things I can’t have.”

He lay still and looked at her. “I understand. Believe me, I understand. But speaking as someone who’s never hesitated to give into want…there are worse things than wanting and not having.”

“Spoken like a four-hundred-year-old vampire.” She rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. “I guess we should try to get some sleep.”

He resisted the urge to pull her into his arms again. “Our conversation hasn’t exactly been soporific, has it?”

He reached out a hand and stroked her hair. “Close your eyes,” he whispered.

For a long time he watched her, keeping vigil as her breast rose and fell with her gentle breathing. He listened to her heartbeat as it settled into a strong, steady rhythm.

His lady was asleep.

Chapter Fifteen

Kit woke with a feeling of almost blissful well-being. It was still dark, though with a flavor in the air of approaching dawn.

There was a presence at her back, a body pressed closely against hers, one well-muscled arm draped over her waist. She assumed at first that Luke was asleep, but then she became aware of something else pressing against her from behind.

Of course that didn’t mean he was awake. Men got erections in their sleep, didn’t they?

Luke moved a little, just a little, pressing himself more firmly against her bottom, and Kit utilized every bit of her self-control to keep her breathing steady and her heart beat regular. Luke could read those signs, and she was afraid if he realized she was awake he would pull away from her.

More than anything, she didn’t want that to happen.

Ever so slightly, he began to move against her, the arm around her waist tightening imperceptibly. She kept still, biting her lip to keep from moaning out loud.

His hold loosened a little and she was afraid he’d caught onto her. Then his hand moved, sliding under the hem of her tee shirt, stroking across her bare stomach softly, surreptitiously, like a thief in the night.

Only I’m the thief,
Kit thought, trembling inside with this stolen pleasure.
Let him keep going, please let him keep going…

Slowly his hand moved, ghosting along her torso, across her stomach and onto her ribs, until the edge of his hand came into contact with the underside of her breast.

She couldn’t control her heart beat anymore, and she could only hope that Luke was lost enough in his own sensations not to notice.
Please,
she thought,
please
…and then, thank God, his hand moved to cup her breast, and she felt him shudder.

She wouldn’t be able to keep still much longer. Her nipple hardened at his touch, and when he began to knead her breast her control finally snapped. Her back arched, pushing her lower body against his erection and her breast into his hand.

“Luke—” she gasped, and at the sound of her voice both of them froze.

He pulled away from her so fast she almost cried out.

“Luke,” she said again. “Can’t we—”

But he was on his feet and gone before she could finish the sentence.

Kit rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. They were traveling to Aberystwyth today, to meet with the Order of Arthur. The lower members were to vet her first, and if she proved herself to them, she’d meet with the Head of the Order tomorrow.

Yesterday, that thought had made her nervous. Today she almost felt sorry for whomever she’d be facing. Hell hath no fury like a sexually frustrated woman, and she would channel all her energy and emotion into her fighting.

But things couldn’t go on like this much longer. Luke hadn’t only woken the warrior in her—he’d woken the woman. A woman who knew what she wanted. A woman who didn’t need to be protected.

Now all she had to do was convince Luke of that.

* * *

The first match was over pretty quickly in Aberystwyth.

“You can put me down as convinced,” Stephen Davies gasped, sitting on the floor. “If it were up to me, I’d give you the harp right now.”