Dream of Me/Believe in Me (78 page)

But she would be back and no doubt she would continue to make herself as unpleasant as possible. The thought of Hawk marrying such a woman filled Krysta with dread. He deserved so much better, truly he should have nothing less than the perfect wife. Once she had foolishly hoped to be that, and would still, had love not placed such a burden upon her conscience. But surely she would not make so wrenching a sacrifice only to see him wed to a cold, hard woman unlikely to ever love anyone save herself.

Yet again, Krysta caught herself on the verge of tears. All her emotions seemed heightened, pain and pleasure vying equally, and she seemed fated to swing between one and the other. No wonder she felt vaguely nauseated, as though the meal she had eaten did not sit comfortably on her stomach. Eahlswith looked at her just then and frowned.

“My dear, are you not well?”

“I am … that is, I thought I was.” A wave of dizziness swept over her. She shut her eyes for a moment, hoping that might help, but it did not. The queen leaned over and put her hand on Krysta's, a mother's touch, gentle but firm. “Your skin is clammy. Did you eat anything else today besides what we just had?”

Krysta shook her head. “There was no time. I slept late and then—”

Several ladies giggled suddenly and looked abashed.

A few even blushed. The queen sent them a sharp, admonishing glance but it was too late, the damage done. Krysta paled.

“You really do not look well, my dear,” the queen said. She stood up and signaled to several of the maids. “Come now, you are going back to your quarters and we will see what can be done to make you more comfortable. I'm sure there is nothing to be concerned about but this is the season when such upsets are more common.”

Grateful for any excuse to leave, Krysta stood up and was instantly assaulted by a fresh wave of dizziness. Still, she managed to walk with a little help from the maids. “Please don't disturb yourself,” she entreated Eahlswith. “I will be perfectly fine.”

“Of course you will be, my dear,” the queen said. “But I am coming with you all the same.”

Brushing aside any further objections, Eahlswith accompanied Krysta back to her quarters, saw her comfortably settled in bed, and insisted that she sip an infusion of chamomile. Krysta did so simply as a courtesy, but within a few minutes she had to admit she was feeling better.

“I can't imagine what came over me,” she said with an apologetic smile. “I am never ill.”

“I would say you have had a great deal to cope with of late. That can be unsettling.”

The queen's sympathetic understanding touched Krysta greatly. She who had never known the love of a mother realized that Eahlswith must be a very good one.

“Your children are very fortunate to have you to care for them, my lady. As is your husband.”

Eahlswith looked surprised by the compliment and very pleased. “Thank you, my dear. I have sometimes felt that I do not keep up well enough with all the grand and exciting doings here at court but then I console myself that my family is well and happy.”

“I can think of no greater accomplishment than that,” Krysta said honestly.

“One I am sure you will shortly know.”

She was overly tired and still feeling ill. Her mind spun in confusion and her heart felt near to breaking. Perhaps that was why she could not repress the soft sob that broke from her as she turned her face into the pillows.

At once, Eahlsworth clucked in alarm. She gave a quick order, sending the maids from the room. When the door closed behind them, she held out her arms. Krysta went into them without a second thought.

“There, there,” the queen said gently. “My poor child, you must tell me what distresses you so. I will do everything in my power to see it put to rights.”

Deeply embarrassed by her display of emotion and at the same time grateful for the queen's kindness, Krysta shook her head helplessly. “I thank you, my lady, but truly I don't believe there is anything you can do.”

“Oh, no?” Eahlswith gave her a very womanly smile. “I have always been a good and obedient wife. Anyone will tell you that I have never failed to defer to my husband in all matters. However, you should not think for a moment that means Alfred does not hear my views.”

She sat back, gave Krysta a warm smile, and said, “Now let us see if we can get to the root of this problem. First, are you homesick?”

“Why does everyone ask me that? Or at least Hawk did. I am not homesick. My home was gone the moment I left it. My half-brother rules there now and I knew I would never want to return even presuming he would allow me, which he has made clear he will not.”

“He told you that? What a dreadful thing to say. What manner of man is he that he should be so unkind?”

“An angry and resentful man who never forgave our father for taking a second wife, my mother. But in all
fairness, I have to say there were … complications with that union.”

“I am sorry to hear it but these things happen. Many men remarry after being widowed. If you are not homesick, then are you unhappy about your betrothal to Lord Hawk? It is only natural for a young girl to be concerned when she is sent to wed a stranger. I well remember my own concern when that happened to me. But truly, you have nothing to fear from Lord Hawk. He is an exemplary man.”

“I know that,” Krysta said. “Believe me, I hold him in the highest esteem. But it is for that very reason that I …” She was well aware of the import of what she was about to say. But the queen looked so kindly and understanding, and Krysta so badly needed to confide in another. “I cannot marry him.”

Eahlswith stared at her for a long moment as though trying to interpret words she must certainly have misunderstood. Slowly, it dawned on her that she had not. Her eyes widened in alarm. “You cannot marry him? But child, think what that means! Your marriage is the hope for peace between our peoples. It was arranged by the king himself and the great jarl of Sciringesheal, Hawk's own brother-in-law. Believe me, I understand the burden of being wed in such a way for so was I, but you must put aside whatever fears you carry and do what is right. Far too much depends on it.”

“It is because I must do what is right that I cannot marry him. Too much hinges on this marriage to take the risk that—”

“That what? Child, this is gravely serious. You must tell me everything that is in your mind that I may have some hope of understanding how you could possibly have come to such a dire conclusion.”

“I may as well tell you,” Krysta said, her voice very low. “Sven told everyone at Hawkforte so I suppose word of it will reach here soon enough.” Quietly, without looking
at the queen, she related the story of her mother. As she did so, she was certain that Eahlswith must be greatly shocked and even repelled, for surely such a tale would dismay any Christian woman.

But when she had finished, the older woman only sighed deeply and shook her head. “My poor child, what a dreadful weight to bear upon your young shoulders. But whatever the truth of it, and I would not presume to judge that, you have no reason to think you are other than a mortal woman.” She put a finger beneath Krysta's chin and tilted her head up so that she had to meet her gaze. “Do you?”

Krysta thought of Raven and Thorgold, and of the glimpses she sometimes had of a world other folk did not seem to see. Softly, she said, “In all honesty, there are circumstances in my life that sometimes have made me wonder.” She took a deep breath, feeling strangely calm all of a sudden with all the strength drained out of her. Wearily, she said, “I came thinking somehow I could make everything all right but I realize now how foolish that was. Hawk deserves better. Even more than that, do you truly believe any union so shadowed can be pleasing in the eyes of God, enough so to be the basis for lasting peace?”

The queen was an honest woman; she could not say what she truly did not believe. Her gentle face looked somber. “I think there are more things in God's Creation than we know and that they all serve some higher purpose. But as to the present situation, I do see now why you are so concerned. However, I counsel you to make no hasty decisions or take any intemperate action. This requires deep thought.”

“I fear I have no more to give it,” Krysta said and laid her head back against the pillows. Yet the queen's injunction relieved her somewhat. Though she despised herself for so weak a thought, she could not help but hope for just a little more time before she and Hawk parted.

Eahlswith's mind seemed to be running in a similar direction, for she asked, “If you believe you cannot marry and you know you cannot return to your family's lands, what then did you think to do?”

“I didn't think,” Krysta admitted, “at least not until today.” She took another breath, certain she was about to shock the queen yet again. Though the very thought of leaving Hawk was as a dagger in her heart, standing in the scriptorium that day a fleeting wish had come to her that if she must survive without him, she might at least be able to give her life to some useful work. It would be no consolation for the pain certain to assail her but it might at least give purpose to her otherwise empty days. “I wonder if there might be someplace for a woman who is interested in learning. Men with such an inclination may enter the priesthood or become monks. Is there anything like that for women?”

Eahlswith hesitated, clearly uncertain of how much she should say. But once more, innate honesty compelled her. “There are abbeys for women, under the rule of abbesses who often are themselves devoted to learning. So far, there are only a few such places but I have founded one myself and mean to found others.” She looked at Krysta closely. “Entry to such a place would require you to take holy orders. Do you believe you could do that?”

“I don't know,” Krysta said candidly, “nor do I know if any abbey would consider accepting one such as me.”

“My own dear sister is abbess of the foundation I endowed. She is a most sensible woman who also possesses a kind heart. However, we leap ahead. It is far too soon to be considering any such thing.” The queen paused, looking at Krysta closely. “I would counsel you to think long and hard, my dear. It is no small matter to reject marriage with a great lord and seek the sanctuary of holy orders instead. Such a step, once taken, could never be renounced.”

A short while later, the queen departed with admonitions that Krysta should rest. She lay for a little time listening to the sounds of the town floating up through the windows. The light breeze was very pleasant and the room smelled prettily of dried flowers gathered in bouquets. A starling lit on the windowsill and peered at her for a moment before darting off. She was drifting in a state halfway between consciousness and dreams when the door was flung open. Hawk strode into the chamber, went directly to the bed, and grabbed hold of her. He gave her a little shake as he stared at her with stark concern.

“What's the matter with you? What's wrong?”

So startled was she by his sudden appearance that Krysta needed a moment to get her breath. “I'm fine, really. I just felt a little ill, that's all, but it was nothing—”

“What do you mean ‘a little ill’? Do you have a fever?” He landed a hand on her brow. “No, you don't. What's wrong then? Does something hurt?”

Astounded by his obvious worry, Krysta strove to reassure him. “My stomach was upset, that's all.” No need to mention that she was also dizzy; the man was flustered enough as it was and wasn't that amazing? Who would ever have imagined the great Hawk of Essex worried because she had a stomachache?

He shook his head, let her go abruptly, and began pacing back and forth beside the bed, all the while glowering down at her with mingled relief and exasperation. “It's because you don't eat right.”

“It is not! And don't start that again. I just felt a little queasy, that's all.” She almost added that having to deal with Lady Esa might have had something to do with making her nauseated.

“How did you find out I wasn't well?”

“One of the maids told me.” He looked at her a little more calmly. “Are you sure you're feeling better? Alfred
has excellent doctors here. Perhaps one of them should see to you.”

“The queen has already seen to me and very kindly so. I'm actually quite embarrassed to have caused such trouble.” A horrible thought occurred to her. “You weren't still with the king when the maid found you?”

He shrugged, yet further astounding her. “It makes no matter. But I am relieved that you are better.”

“Indeed I am and I should be getting up. It is slothful to lie about in bed during the day.”

“Oh, really?” He sat down again on the edge of the bed and looked at her challengingly. “Have you so much experience with lying about that you can judge the worth of it? I rather thought you were always working. Certainly that is what I saw at Hawkforte.”

He was very close, his hand lying so near to hers that their fingers brushed. It was such a slight contact, yet did Krysta feel it acutely. In the bright light of day, her weakness of the previous night returned with a vengeance. She looked ahead into the lonely years to come and knew that no matter what work she might find, her heart would never heal.

“How long do you think to stay in Winchester?” she asked without looking at him.

“A week perhaps—” He broke off and she felt him staring at her. “Why do you ask?”

“I merely wondered …” A coward's response. She caught herself and tried again. “I think you know why I ask. Because things must be settled between us.”

He got up and walked to the side of the room. Abruptly, he turned to face her. Gone was the kind and tender man concerned about her well-being. In his place was the Lord Hawk, powerful and ruthless, holding fast to that which was his. “Things
are
settled between us and you would do well to accept that. I will allow no fancy of your mind to interfere with what must be.”

“You will allow—?” Pride flared and with it prudence fled. “Think you the matter of our marriage is entirely yours to settle? How can that be when this is a marriage of state? The individuals are of no account when the welfare of so many others must be considered.”

“Yet supposedly it is for my own welfare that you would set yourself aside.”