Dreams (New Beginnings Book 3) (18 page)

“I’m in love with a girl who can’t possibly ever love me completely,” he said quietly. “And I knew that going in. What kind of masochist does that make me?”

A beat of silence passed before Ethan spoke.

“Do you remember when we were young, and I used to get on your case about your hockey obsession?” His voice was low, almost a whisper.

Josh regarded his quiet brother beside him, not really sure how that related to his admission. He did remember. Ethan could be cruel about it. Josh was always the focused one of the two. But, when Ethan was off chasing girls, Josh was training. He ended up making it to the NHL. It took a call from their dad to get Ethan into Harvard med.

Josh nodded slowly.

“Hockey mattered more than anything to you,” Ethan went on. “More than school. More than girls. More than your family.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Josh, your career is probably over, and we’re in the car going after a girl. You’ve changed, is all.”

“We haven’t known each other in a long time, Brother.”

“No, I guess we haven’t.”

A few months ago, Josh would have thought he imagined the sadness in his brother’s voice.

Before he could dwell on it too much, they pulled up outside Taylor’s parents’ house.

“I hope you find her,” Ethan said as Josh got out and strode up the walkway.

Me too,
he told himself as he waited nervously for someone to answer the door.

The lock clicked and the door started to move, revealing Mrs. Scott with a grinning Evie beside her.

“Josh,” Mrs. Scott smiled warmly. “Come on in.”

“Thanks,” he said shakily. “Hey Ev.”

Evie reached her arms up with a giggle and Josh picked her up, giving her a hug, before putting her back down.

“Ev,” Mrs. Scott said. “Why don’t you go finish your movie?”

She started to protest, but her mom pushes her towards the living room as she led Josh into the kitchen.

Turning around, she said, “Oh sweetie, she isn’t here.”

The nerves in Josh’s stomach turned into a churning disappointment.

“Where did she go?” he asked.

“She’s with Sarah.” Mrs. Scott’s eyes held a sympathy that Josh suddenly couldn’t take anymore. He had to get out of there before he broke down.

“She left,” he said, more to himself than to her.

She nodded slowly. “You know how fragile she still is.” She spread her arms wide. “I wish it wasn’t like this, but I can only do so much for her. All I can say is, don’t give up on her quite yet.”

Josh walked back towards the front door, and it was all he could do to hold his head up. “She’s already done that. I can’t be the one to fix her this time. Not when I needed her to do the same for me.”

There were tears standing in Mrs. Scott’s eyes when he turned back to her.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you, Josh. Doug is torn up about it.”

“Thank Coach Scott for me, will you? For everything.”

She nodded, and he re-joined his brother.

“She wasn’t there?” Ethan asked.

“No,” he stated. “Let’s just pick up some of my things and get out of this city.”

Josh knew he shouldn’t be leaving just yet. He still had team obligations. They’d want meetings, and there’d be a press release, possibly a press conference. He had a contract, but in that moment, he wanted to get as much space between him and the team as possible. Space between him and hockey.

It felt like a divorce he hadn’t seen coming. He didn’t know how long it would take for him to forgive the game. For giving him what he wanted just long enough for him to taste it and then burning it to the ground.

“Damn it!” His fist collided with the dashboard and Ethan glanced sideways at him, but didn’t say a word.

Once they got some of his stuff from his apartment, they left Columbus behind.

Ethan said they were going home, but Josh couldn’t help but feel he was leaving it.

Twenty

Sarah was waiting at the airport with a grin stretched wide. She ran at Taylor and almost tackled her to the ground.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she squealed.

“Me too,” Taylor said, instantly relaxing. Sarah had that effect on her. She never had to put up a front for her best friend, pretending to be okay.

Sarah shoved Taylor’s bag in the backseat of her car before they both got in.

“Mom and Dad will want to see you,” she said, eying her friend carefully.

Taylor shrank back from the words, so Sarah quickly added, “We can just meet them at a restaurant.”

“Okay,” she sighed in relief. She hadn’t been to Sarah’s parents’ house since the memorial service over the summer, and didn’t want to go back and have to walk by the room Danny had lived in.

She thought she was okay, better. She thought she’d moved on. Until she hadn’t. She’d been so proud of herself when she mailed the videos to Danny’s family. That was supposed to be the final step.

But now, as they drove through the familiar city, old feelings resurfaced. She’d spent the best time of her life with Danny in Portland. She’d also spent the worst year of her life here.

They got to Sarah’s dorm building and went inside. She had a double room to herself, which was perfect. Taylor put her bag down and then sat on one of the beds as Sarah bustled around, picking up a few things.

A water bottle came flying through the air. Taylor saw it last minute and ducked out of the way.

“Oops.” Sarah giggled. “I thought you’d be thirsty.”

Taylor laid on her belly and hung herself off the bed to reach where the bottle had rolled underneath. Finally finding it, she pushed herself up and laughed at her friend. “I am. I just don’t want to die for my thirst.”

“You’re hardly going to die from a plastic bottle to the head.” She sat next to Taylor and shrugged. “Maybe just a little brain damage.”

“Oh, is that all? Then sign me up.” Taylor laughed again as water dribbled over her chin.

“Just as graceful as ever, I see,” Sarah joked.

Her own water spilled down her shirt as Taylor pushed her, laughing the entire time.

“It’s good to see you like this.” Sarah’s face was suddenly serious. “When I saw you last, it was still pretty bad.”

“Yeah, well I had a lot of help this year.” Taylor smiled while also silently kicking herself for saying that.
Why did I have to blurt that out? Now Sarah won’t ever let it go.

“Josh?” Sarah grinned.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Have you talked to him since what happened in the game?”

“Sarah,” Taylor warned.

“Tay,” Sarah mimicked her tone. “Do you mind if I call him? I mean, he’s like my brother, and I’m a little worried about him.”

“Go ahead.”

Sarah went out into the hall, and Taylor pulled out her sketchbook. She hadn’t drawn anything in a few days, and her fingers were suddenly itching for it.

Sarah returned a few minutes later and clapped her hands together.

“You’re drawing again,” she yelled excitedly.

“Obviously.”

Sarah laughed and jumped onto the bed, jostling Taylor. She bit back a chastisement for making her smudge the image.

“He asked about you,” she said.

Taylor’s mouth grew dry. She grabbed her water and chugged it back.

Sarah took the sketchbook off Taylor’s lap and closed it, putting up a finger to stop her from protesting.

“We need to talk about this,” she said. “Josh is in a pretty bad place right now.”

Taylor held her breath but didn’t say anything, so Sarah continued.

“I am so happy to see you, and you can stay as long as you like, but I want to make something clear. I don’t think you should be here.”

The sternness is her voice was very un-Sarah like. Taylor couldn’t meet her eyes for fear of the disappointment she’d see there.

She knew she was doing the wrong thing by running away, but she’d done it anyway. It was different hearing someone else say it was wrong.

“Look at me, Tay.” Sarah put her hands on the sides of Taylor’s head and stared at her. “This is not what happened before. Josh is not Danny. When I watched it on TV, I probably had the same scare as you. That day was the worst of both our lives. But Josh woke up. And he’s going to be okay.”

“How do you know that?” Taylor whispered, fighting back tears. “How do you know that next time won’t be different?”

“Because there won’t be a next time. They think he has to hang up his skates.”

“Oh my God.” She collapsed back against the pillows. “He’s done?”

“He’s done.” Sarah sat back on her heels, still regarding her friend coolly.

“And I left.”

“You did.”

“I think I’m in love with him, Sarah.” Taylor buried her face in her arms.

“Wait, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“Not when I’m a selfish bitch who’s still in love with someone else.”

“Danny’s dead, Tay.”

“I know that,” Taylor bit off her words. “Doesn’t make it not true.”

Sarah leaned forward and gathered her in her arms without another word. Both exhausted from the emotional day, they went to bed. Despite the extra bed in the room, they shared Sarah’s just like old times. Taylor fell asleep with her head on her best friend’s shoulder and two boys on her mind.

###

“Shoot the damn puck,” the coach yelled, skating towards his two players that just finished the drill. “When you hit this point, I want that puck leaving your stick. Got it?” He had them run it again as he watched closely.

Taylor used to laugh about how the sound carried across the old practice rink. When she watched the Winterhawks practice, she could hear every frustrated word her dad directed at Danny.

Now it was different, but it felt oddly the same. Most of the guys on the ice were ones she didn’t recognize, as was the nature of junior hockey. Players moved on once they reached a certain age. They’d either go pro, head to play in Europe, or quit altogether.

The seat creaked beneath her as she shifted towards the glass. There were only a few people around her. Practices were open, but not many people came. She didn’t know why she was there. When Sarah left for class this morning, she figured maybe it was time.

This was the place it happened.

Taylor looked up when she heard heavy feet on the concrete steps and found a familiar face looking down at her. Garret grinned as he dropped into the seat beside her.

“Thought my mind was playing a trick on me when I saw you,” he said.

“Nope, it’s me - in the flesh.” Her smile was small, but the fact that it was there was something.

He bumped his shoulder into hers. “It’s good to see you, Tay.”

“Shouldn’t you be on the ice?” she asked, gesturing to the team that was now standing in a circle around their coach.

“Nah,” he drew out the word. “I got banged up pretty bad in our last game, so Coach gave me a maintenance day.”

“So, basically you’re slacking.”

“Pretty much.” His resulting laugh was full and loud, just as it always had been.

Garret was Danny’s best friend, and the two were similar in a lot of ways. It felt good to be around him again. The silence that followed was comfortable as they watched the next drill take shape.

“What are you doing in Portland, Tay?” he asked after a few moments. “I wasn’t sure we’d ever see you back.”

“Running away from my issues.” she laughed weakly.

“I thought all your issues were here.”

“You know,” she paused to look around, “I didn’t think I’d ever be able to come back in here.”

“I get that,” he said, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. “I actually refused to set foot on that ice after it happened. For weeks, I didn’t skate. I’d stand outside the front doors, but couldn’t make myself open them.”

“What made you finally do it?”

“Your dad,” he laughed. “Training camp was starting, and he threatened me. Said that if I didn’t start acting like the captain and showing the guys it was still okay to play, he’d find a captain who would.”

“Sounds like Dad.”

“When Coach named me captain despite being one of the young guys on the team, Danny was so proud.” He looked down at his hands, his voice getting softer. “I couldn’t let him down.”

“He’ll be watching you in the AHL next year.” Taylor reached out and squeezed his hand.

“Yeah, just wishing he was the one scoring. ‘Get me the puck, Garret.’”

“I’m the one who knows what to do with it,” Taylor laughed as she tried to mimic Danny’s voice.

“It’s a good thing you have a girlfriend, because you can’t score on the ice.” Garret was laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes.

“Man, he was the worst trash-talker.” Taylor wiped at her own watery eyes as she laughed harder.

“And he never stopped doing it.”

Garret went from hysterical to serious in a matter of seconds. His ability to do that had always amazed her. It was one of the reasons he made such a good captain.

“These things you’re running away from,” he said. “If they brought you here, they must be big.”

“I don’t want to talk about this with you.”

“Why not?” he asked, slightly offended.

“You’re Danny’s best friend …” she stopped herself. “Were. You were Danny’s best friend.”

“I still am, Tay. I’ll always be his best friend, just like you’ll always be the girl he loved more than anything. Even hockey.” He looked to the ceiling. “Sorry, bro, spilled the beans.”

Taylor hit his arm and he looked at her again. “If this has to do with Danny, it’s got to be that you finally moved on. Feeling guilty?”

“A bit.”

“I did too. At first. Every shift, every goal, every win. When I was happy it would make me pissed off. When I was upset, I thought I deserved it. But then it got easier.”

“It had for me too,” she admitted. “Until I saw the same thing happen to the guy I moved on with.”

“I thought Walker was okay,” he said quickly. “That’s what the news has been saying.”

“How …”

“Sarah’s been keeping me filled in on you. Plus, I saw his accident replayed on ESPN like a million times.”

“He’s going to be fine, but it just made me want to be near Danny again. And Sarah. And everyone that seemed to make everything so easy back then.”

“Complications are worth it sometimes.”

The team started heading back to the dressing rooms and Garret stood. “I’ve gotta go.”

Taylor got to her feet and nodded before he suddenly pulled her into a hug. “I’m glad I got to see you,” he whispered. “It’s like having a piece of him here too.”

“Don’t be a stranger,” she said when he released her.

He gave her one last grin before taking the steps two at a time. Taylor followed more slowly. She walked through the lobby with purpose, stepping outside just as it started to rain.

It was light at first, but grew heavier by the second. Taylor stood completely still as the freezing cold rain soaked her clothing.

A laugh bubbled out of her chest and she started running, only wishing that Josh was there beside her this time. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to run in the rain without thinking of him.

She had to go home. She just hoped she hadn’t ruined everything.

The street wasn’t far, and when she reached it, she found Sarah waiting in her car.

The heat was on full blast, and she didn’t think she’d ever been more thankful for anything.

“How’d you know I’d be here?” Taylor asked when her teeth stopped chattering.

“Just had a feeling.” Sarah started driving through the pounding rain. The windshield wipers worked furiously, but they still couldn’t see very far in front of them. “I didn’t want you to have to catch a cab to get back.”

Sarah turned the radio on, and they listened as they made their way back slowly.

“Sarah?” Taylor said after a few minutes.

“Yeah?”

“I’m going home tomorrow.”

“I know,” she said. “Your dad already booked your return ticket.”

###

Her dad met her at the airport with a big smile and open arms. Taylor stepped into them and hugged him back.

“I don’t like you being in a different state than me,” he said.

“Except when you leave with the team, which is like always,” she shot back with a sweet smile.

“Touché.”

On the drive home, he asked her all sorts of questions about being back in Portland. It was obvious he missed the place. He loved coaching in the NHL. It was the dream. But at that level, something was lost. He used to say he got to teach his boys to be men. Now he was coaching men, and there wasn’t nearly as much teaching off the ice involved.