Duality (The Hitchhiker Strain) (21 page)

"Back then, we all wanted to live but barely knew what it was we were fighting," Zack fills in the blank for me, reaching over to take my hand in his. My fingers go rigid. Even though the warmth of his skin wrapping ar
ound my fingers feels amazing and helps to steady my pounding heart, I don't deserve comfort right now. I pull away.

"Exactly.
Everyone was desperate and the world we knew was falling apart around us. Even the people who hadn't been infected yet couldn't be trusted—especially if you had something of value. Food, gas, guns. By the time I made it to the camp, people were barely pretending to be human beings. The line for food was chaos. I stood through it anyway, thinking whatever it was I got that night was going to be my last meal. That's where I met her. Right away, she decided we were going to be best friends, in that way that only kids can." It was something my sister used to do all the time. She could charm anyone. "She started following me around, even though her mother kept dragging her back to wherever they were staying. Every ten minutes or so, there she was. For an hour, it was actually pretty funny. She made me laugh..."

I close my eyes, still unable to piece together exactly what happened next
—when I turned for the first time. "I don't even remember biting her. Those first few days were a haze of confusion and hunger. I'd go in and out, flickering between Chelsea and the enemy. I do remember the sound of her mother screaming and the feeling of the girl's body being yanked out of my grasp. I think the girl was crying as the two of them ran away. She was definitely still alive. I hadn't killed her, but my stupidity had doomed her to the same fate as me. If she managed to live that long.

"By the time someone came to see what had happened, I was huddled into a ball in the mud and sobbing uncontrollably. The very picture of huma
nity. Back then, no one knew enough to look more closely. I left that same night, crossing the state line under the cover of night, and went as far away from people as I could manage. At least until Chelsea fell away for good.”

I exhale, not sure if I feel
better or worse for having told my story. That girl’s death, however it ended up happening, was my fault. Me, Chelsea Zimmerman—not the beast. I killed her, and I’m going to have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Something lightly brushes my chee
k and I’m brought back to the present. Zack is delicately wiping away the tears that I didn’t even realize I was crying. He’s so close to me now that I can smell the shampoo he used this morning and make out the light smattering of freckles that sit on the bridge of his nose.

“
It’s going to be okay,” he whispers, not dropping my gaze. I want to believe him but I know he can never understand. “If you ever need to talk about it, about any of it, I’m here.”

I open my mouth to thank him, to say…
something. I don’t know what, but the words don’t make it out of my mouth.

“
We should get back…” In one smooth movement, Zack moves away from me, his body shifting back toward his friends.

“
Yeah, okay.” Disappointment weighs down each step I take. I can’t blame him for not wanting to sit there any longer. But it just feels like there was so much more to say.

Together we walk back over to the others. Liam is watching us with a mixture of curiosity, but Savannah looks positively sick. At first I think she might be angry that
Zack and I are getting close... Maybe her joy at my recovery doesn't extend as far as getting close to her friend. But she never even looks at me, her eyes staying on Zack until the two of us are standing right in front of her.

"What is it?" Zack asks, dr
opping my hand. "Savannah?"

"Alex is here," she deadpans. It sounds like something that should be good news, but her face tells a different story. "He's fine. He wasn't bitten. He just wanted to see you." Still, I'
m not seeing the bad. Zack looks torn and confused. "We have to go see him now. Okay?" She sounds almost robotic, like she's been practicing this speech while we were away.

"Okay..." Zack nods. Savannah stands up from her spot on the couch. "Where is he?"

"I think still in the medical wing with the others. He's waiting for us there. Once we go get him, we'll find somewhere to talk."

That sounds ominous. And more than a little cryptic. But there's nothing to do but let him walk away, wishing I could protect him from whatever disaster is coming next.

Chapter 26 - Savannah

"Alex!” Zack shifts from surprise to excitement in the span of a heartbeat as soon as we enter the nearly empty storage room where Alex is waiting for us. He moves forward to embrace Alex in their usual guy-hug-shoulder-bump. In response, Alex claps him on the back a few times but stays awkward and rigid, looking at me for help.

When Zack finally pulls back, he's grinning like an idiot, and I'm reminded again of how much my friend
’s demeanor has changed since I left. Zack seems more like himself than he has in a long time, and I'm so afraid we're seconds away from ruining that for him.

"Zack." I interrupt their reunion and grab a plastic chair from a stack against the wall, offering it to him before getting my own. Alex follows suit
and grabs one for himself. The moments stretch on as Zack watches us. Our expressions must finally register because at last his open smile gives way to worry.

"What happened?" He sits down, keeping his eyes on mine as he searches for answers.

Conversations like these used to be an almost weekly occurrence. Who did we lose this time? Who has been bitten? It never got any easier to get through those talks no matter who you were giving it to. And now, telling Zack and Pierce seems all but impossible. My mouth doesn’t even want to open, let alone form the words.

Zack frowns, and I wonder if he
’s starting to question why Pierce isn’t here too. We stare at each other in a mock standoff for nearly a minute, neither one of us wanting to be the first to say what we're thinking. I know it isn't fair of me and that the possibilities are probably torturing him. Like me, he's got an over active imagination, and sometimes what we come up with is so much worse than reality. But this isn't going to be one of those times. As soon as I say the words out loud, Zack will get sucked into the same black hole that Alex and I are already trying to survive.

On cue, Alex reaches over to squeeze my shoulder.

I can't do this. But I have to. This quiet torture will last forever if I let it.

"It's about Pierce..."

A while later, all of our backlog of bad news is depleted—Pierce, the new settlement, everything. He knows it all. What I don't know is whether Zack is handling it all better than I expected he would or if he's merely in shock. He cried and yelled of course, but he also seemed to fly through several stages of grief in a matter of minutes—denial, anger, all of it. Now he just seems numb.

"So what happens now?" he asks me. We're still in the storage room, but Alex passed out a
few minutes ago, sprawled out on the middle of the floor, essentially leaving me alone with Zack.

"The people from New Ravencrest are going to stay here for about a week to start off their treatment plan. After that, they can go home with injections for M
rs. Park to administer. Paulson wanted me to tell you that you're completely welcome to go back with them, if that's something you want."

Zack shrugs. I know the feeling. There are factors pulling me in both direction, and I have no idea where I'd be bette
r off. "I guess I should go back. I mean, there's not much for me to do here. I don't know how helpful I'm really being now that Chelsea doesn't need me anymore. I don't know though..." He trails off before he finishes his sentence, but I can guess the ending. Chelsea might not need him to bring him trays of food or coach her toward speaking anymore, but that doesn't mean he wants to leave her behind.

"Chelsea, ya?"

Color fills his pale cheeks. "Is it that obvious?"

"Not real
ly. My deductive skills are
that
good."

"Is it weird that I have a crush on the zombie girl?”
The blush in his cheeks spreads to the rest of his face and neck. This is even bigger than I thought. I don't think I've ever heard Zack admit to having a crush on anyone in the entire time we've been friends—not that there were many options before. He looks over at me, his eyes pleading for me to tell him that he isn't crazy.

"I don't think so. She's a little rough around the edges still maybe, but it really hasn't been that long. She's a g
irl. That’s all there is to it." Zack still looks unsure. Even if I were to tell him that I think his feelings are weird or misplaced, which I'm not sure I do, it wouldn't change what he's feeling. "Nah, definitely not weird." I do my best to keep my voice steady and sure. "She seems cool. And she's cured now."

"She is cool!" A smile replaces Zack's frown lines. "She's so strong…
and really funny. Going through what she did and coming out the other side of it with her sanity in tact... I think she's pretty special."

"So what's the problem?"

Zack visibly winces. "I'm not sure. I mean, I've been telling her every way I know how that no one blames her for the things she did while she was infected. And I don't! But it's obviously still weighing really heavily on her. Should I be giving her space for now… until she figures things out?"

"Maybe what she needs now is to remember all the great things about being human. And if it helps, from the little I saw, I don't think your feelings are one-sided."

Zack doesn't respond, instead tilting his head back against the wall he's leaning on to stare up at the ceiling.

"Have you talked to her about any of this?" I ask.

Zack looks horrified at the idea. "No! What would I say exactly? ‘Hey, Chelsea. I kind of have a thing for you, and my friend, who you just met, thinks you might feel the same way. Thing is, I don't want to push too hard in case you freak out and it hurts your recovering from that time you were a horror movie monster’? That'll go well."

"Well I wouldn't phrase i
t exactly like that.”

I can't help myself
—I smile. It has been too long since Zack and I have really sat down and talked about anything real.

"Always full of great advice."

"So come up with something better to say and go say it."

"Now?"

"Why not?"

He looks down at his watch. "It's kind of late?"

"Okay, tomorrow then. First thing. It'll give you some time to come up with a better plan than calling her a horror movie super freak." It takes a second, but Zack nods.

"Tomorrow then." He smiles, looking b
oth determined and excited. "What about you? Have you even seen Cole since you've been back?"

I scrunch my face up.

"That's a no?"

"That's a no. I've been kind of busy!"

"Hey, I'm not blaming you. I was surprised he wasn't right there waiting for you as soon as you got back."

The sad thing is, I wasn't surprised. Actually, I'm not sure I even noticed. "He always goes to bed pretty early." Zack raises his eyebrows, unimpressed by my explanation. "Yeah. I know. Things between Cole and I... I don't really know
anymore."

"Are you sure that's not Pierce's death talking? It's understandable that it'll shake us all up for a bit."

"I don't think so."

Zack had no problem opening up to me about the things going on in his life. I guess I owe him the same. "I don't love
Cole." It feels weird to say it out loud. "I don't love Cole, and I'm pretty sure it isn't just a matter of timing."

"Yeah, I know." Zack smiles apologetically as though he'd been holding back some horrible secret that he should have told me before this.

"I mean, Cole and I never said the words to each other—I love you. We haven't been together that long or anything. It's not that though. I feel like we're headed in the wrong direction. Growing farther apart instead of closer together."

Cole and I aren't w
orking. The thought is there now and it'll be impossible to push it back again. I don't know when my crush on the mysterious guy who helped me find my friends and gave me a new goal to work toward diminished into something else. Everything that attracted me to him in the first place is still there—his belief in me, his ability to act, and his desire to make a difference. His green eyes that cut right through me. All still important. But I'm not sure if they're important enough. It seems stupid to even think that it isn't anything he's done wrong—it isn't him, it's me—but I can't help it. He hasn't been a priority for me in a while, and I'm not sure I've really been one for him either.

"I should get some sleep," Zack says, standing up and interrupting my thou
ght process. I didn’t realize I'd stopped talking.

"Yeah, all right. Me too."

"Want me to walk you back?"

"I'm all right. I'll go in a minute."

Zack waves goodnight and leaves. Alex is still lying nearby, fast asleep. I can give him a few more minutes of rest before I have to force him to get up and go to bed for real.

Cole's smile flashes through my mind. Now that I've admitted all of this to myself, I'm not sure what to do with the information. This would be the worst possible time to break up with someo
ne, and I'm not even sure that's what I want. Maybe we can figure this out, work on making it better. Except...the idea of breaking up with Cole doesn't bother me as much as it should.

To be fair though, I am kind of a mess right now. I
’ve lost track of how many times I was reduced to a useless puddle of tears today. Tonight alone has been a roller coaster—thinking I was going to get kicked out, not getting kicked out, learning about Chelsea, telling Zack about Pierce. And now this.

I don't need to decide a
nything tonight. It has been an incredibly long day following an impossibly heartbreaking one. I can talk to Cole tomorrow and go from there. I do want to see him and hear all about everything I missed while I was away, which is obviously a lot. I want him to hold me and tell me all of this is going to be okay, even though it's not.

Yes. Tomorrow things will be clearer.

I stretch my leg out until I manage to nudge Alex with my toes. He grumbles at me to leave him alone.

"You know, we have beds here. I can
find somewhere for you to crash."

"Go away." He turns over so he's facing away from me.

"I can't exactly leave you on the floor of some random storage room. Believe me, you'll never find your way out of here. I'll find your minotaur-mangled corpse in a few weeks and that will be that." I nudge him again. "Get up."

With one last indignant groan, he sits up and then lets me pull him right to his feet even though his eyes are still only half open.

"Come on." I practically have to drag him out the door, but eventually he starts moving on his own.

We both collapse into my tiny bed, lying back to back. He's back to sleep within a minute and I follow shortly after, praying that tomorrow will be a better day.