Duchess (13 page)

“I want to show you something else.” Her face lit up again, and suddenly, just seeing her happy was his only desire.

“Sure.”

They found a trash can for the remains of their lunch and began the hike back down the stairs. He tried to keep up, but going down was difficult too. She led him to the front of the stage.

“There used to be a reflection pool right here in front of the stage. There was even a fountain in it, and during intermissions, the fountain would turn on.”

“Why did they get rid of it?” he asked, caught up in her enthusiasm for this place.

“The water messed up the natural acoustics.” She climbed the stairs to the stage and motioned for him to follow. “Come on. I’ll show you.”

He climbed up on the stage, careful with his right leg, but luckily, she didn’t seem to notice.

“Listen,” she said before shouting out toward the benches in front of them. “HELLO!”

The sound carried out of the stage and echoed back. He couldn’t resist trying too. “HELLO!”

His voice bounced back with rich tones he didn’t think were possible for an echo.

“Wow.” He turned toward Katie.

“You should hear the music that’s played here. It really was an inspired spot to build this place.”

As he nodded in agreement, a thought came to him. “Sing for me.” He looked at her imploringly.

“What?” Her eyes opened wide.

“Come on—just sing a couple verses of something.” She looked like she was about to argue, so he added, “How else am I going to know if this is the right stage for our concert? It’s for research.” He flashed her an innocent smile, but the truth was, he just wanted to hear her sing again.

“Fine,” she said, then closed her eyes and stood silent for so long that he wondered if she was going to back out. Just when he was about say something, she opened her mouth and began to sing, only it wasn’t like the other night at the bar, when she sang pop songs.

“Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light.” This time a high, rich voice came out that he wasn’t expecting. It was the type of voice you would hear on the best opera stages in the world.

He closed his eyes as he listened to her voice float out over the hills like early morning fog encompassing everything around. His tight muscles relaxed with each soothing note. When she stopped, he tried to blink away the moisture in the corners of his eyes. Her eyes mirrored his as they also shimmered with tears.

“How did you know that I love that song?” His voice sounded quiet to him.

“It was David’s favorite.” She started to turn her head away like she did whenever she began to show emotion.

He caught her chin with his finger. “It was beautiful.” She looked up into his eyes with a gaze of longing that started his heart hammering in his chest. His gaze drifted down to her mouth. She was chewing lightly on her bottom lip. It would be so easy to lean down and place his lips over hers. Somehow, he knew they would fit together. His heart sped up, and his nerves reminded him that he hadn’t kissed anyone since his ex-wife.

The thought of the woman who left him after his injury caused him to pause and stand up straight. He couldn’t get involved with Katie. As soon as she found out about his leg, she would leave like his wife did. Or worse, she would pity him. He couldn’t take that.

Dropping his hand from her face and taking a step back, he thought of something to say. “You belong on this stage.”

Katie shook her head before answering. “No. People like Duchess belong up here. My voice would have been more at home on this stage about forty years ago. No one wants music like mine anymore.”

“I do.”

“Too bad there aren’t more in the world like you.” Her tone was sardonic.

“I think there are. You just won’t give people a chance.” She didn’t reply. “You should be one of our acts for the benefit concert.”

“What? We already discussed this. I can’t.” Katie’s face paled a bit.

“Why not? You’re the one who said new artists often play at benefit concerts to get exposure. You’re a new artist. You should get exposure.”

“No way! I don’t want to expose myself on stage!”

“I didn’t mean expose yourself. I meant … I just thought …You could get noticed. You know, by a record label or something.” He wished he didn’t always say the wrong thing.

“Trust me, I’ve been to all the record labels, and they don’t want my voice. It’s too old-fashioned, too classically trained, and I’m not edgy enough. No, I’m where I’m supposed to be. Backstage.”

She had a stubborn look on her face, and he knew there was nothing he could say to convince her. Instead, he changed the subject. “How do we book this place?”

“Leave it to me. I have connections.” She gave him a mysterious smile, and his mind instantly went to Kyle. He was probably her connection. His stomach hardened as he clenched his fists.

“Fine.” He didn’t trust himself to say anything else. An awkward silence took over until Katie spoke.

“Shall we leave?”

“Sure,” Chase agreed.

“Okay. I’ll drive you home.”

He nodded and followed her off the stage. Thoughts of her lips ran through his mind, but were soon overshadowed by the image of Kyle holding her in his arms on the dance floor. Grimacing, he reminded himself that Kyle would be a better match for her. She would never pity Kyle. Chase continued to tell himself it was for the best until he thought the words would haunt his dreams.

Chapter Fifteen

The hospital was an exercise in frustration. Katie watched her mother doze on and off while she waited for a doctor to come give the okay to take her mother home. The steady beeping of the machines sounded in the background as her mind wandered to five days before when she’d taken Chase to the Hollywood Bowl. The place had always been her happy spot, but having Chase there made it magical. For one brief moment, she’d thought he would kiss her, but he hadn’t. She leaned back in the hospital chair and swallowed hard at the memory. She should have known better. Guys like him didn’t fall for girls like her.

The hospital room door opened, and a doctor stepped inside. Katie nudged her mom awake as he spoke. “Well, everything is set up for hospice to come into your home. They’ll arrange for oxygen to be delivered.” He glanced down at his clipboard.

“Wait—hospice?” Katie tilted her head to the side. “What for? She’s fine now. We’ll be getting another consultation next week. There’s another clinical trial going on soon. I mean, there’s always hope, right?”

The doctor finally looked up from his clipboard with a frown and turned his gaze to her mom. “Shirley, I thought this is what you wanted.”

“It is.”

Katie stared down at her mother with wide eyes. “What does he mean, this is what you want? You want to get better, not wait around to die. That’s what hospice means. We discussed this—you wanted to fight till there was no more hope. That’s why I’m doing all this. To help you fight.”

Her mother didn’t answer her. “Thank you, Doctor. Please continue making the arrangements for me to leave this place. I’ll talk to my daughter.”

The doctor gave quick directives as he left.

Katie waited impatiently for him to leave. As soon as he shut the door, she turned to her mother. “What are you doing? Are you giving up, because I won’t let you!”

“Katie, sit down.”

Katie shook her head. She knew she was being stubborn, but she didn’t care.

Her mother sighed. “I’m not giving up. I told you I would fight until there was no more that could be done.”

“We can try something else. There’s so much more that can be done,” Katie protested.

“Not without losing my dignity. Do you want me to spend my last days or weeks being stabbed with needles and infused with more toxic medicine that leaves me too weak to hold up my head? I don’t want to be too weak to talk, or to laugh, or to cry. I want the rest of my life to be lived the way I choose.” A tear escaped down her mother’s cheek, and Katie found that her own face was wet as well. “Don’t take away this choice from me. It may be the last choice I’m ever allowed to make.” 

“But I can’t lose you, Mom. I’m not ready yet.” Katie took her mother’s hand in both of hers. “There’s got to be more we can do. I don’t have anyone else. You’re all I have left.”

“No, I’m not, Katie Bug.” Shirley’s face grew firm. “You have a father.”

Katie straightened her spine as soon her mother mentioned him.

“No, I don’t. A father doesn’t leave when things get hard.” She couldn’t believe her mother was going to push for this again. Didn’t she still feel the pain his disappearance brought them both? How could she suddenly forget it?

“It wasn’t all his fault, Katie. I contributed to his leaving. I’m to blame too. You don’t have a father because I let my pride get in the way.”

“Whatever you did, you didn’t make him leave. He made that choice all on his own.”

“But I didn’t make it easy for him to stay, either. Katie, you have to forgive him. You can’t live the rest of your life with that anger building up inside. Please, for me?”

Katie saw the desperation in her mother’s eyes, but she couldn’t bring herself to make that promise. Her mother didn’t know what she was asking.

“Maybe someday, but not now. I just can’t, Mom.”

“You’re stronger than you think you are, Katie Bug.”

“You have to say that because you’re my mother.”

“No, I don’t. I have to say it because it’s true.” Shirley squeezed her hand, but it was weak, and Katie had to face the fact that her mother was not getting better.

Katie pushed the pain and anger down deep inside. She had to live up to her mother’s illusions that she was strong. “When can we blow this Popsicle stand?” She tried to smile, but it was a feeble attempt.

“Right now.” The nurse walked in with paperwork in her hands, and Katie let the discharge process consume her thoughts.

Soon, they were home, and Katie got her mom set up in the upstairs room.

“Are you going to be all right, Katie Bug?” Shirley asked.

Katie wanted to shout and scream, “No, I won’t be all right.” But what would that accomplish? Besides, her mother thought she was strong. Why would she disappoint her now?

“I’m fine, Mom. I’m just going for a walk. I have my cell. Call me if you need anything.”

Katie couldn’t leave the house fast enough. She went out the backdoor and down the path to their private backyard that overlooked the beach. She loved this feature of the house. There was a pool to one side, and to the other, a sandy area with chairs and a round brick fire pit. She’d grabbed her jacket on the way out, but the cold breeze made her shiver. She walked to a pile of firewood and placed a few logs in the fire pit. That’s what she needed to do right now—burn something. She couldn’t hit anyone, she couldn’t scream, and she definitely couldn’t cry anymore. But she could start a fire.

Katie thought about what her mother had said. Was she being selfish about wanting Shirley to fight some more? Katie brought a chair over by the fire and dropped into it with a long, low sigh.

The treatments were supposed to lead to remission—at least, one of them should have helped.
Why didn’t any of it work?
Katie put her head in hands. The fire warmed only the parts the light could touch. The rest of her still shivered.

She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there when she heard footsteps coming down the path. She expected to see her mother come out from behind the bushes, and she was ready with a scathing lecture. Instead, Chase stepped out.

“Chase? What are you doing here?”

He only shrugged and strode closer to the fire. “Mind if I join you?”

“I guess.” She didn’t know why she was happy to see him, but she was.

He pulled up a chair next to hers and sat quietly watching the fire. Katie realized the dusky sky had turned dark, and the flames burned bright. She kept waiting for him to say something, but he just stared at the fire. It was almost like he saw the same mysterious dance in the flames.

“My mother called you, didn’t she?”

He nodded before speaking. “She’s worried about you, Katie.”

“Why? I’m not the one dying.” She tried to say the sentence flippantly, but she almost choked on the last word. Why was it so hard to admit that her mother could—would—die soon?

He didn’t comment right away. Instead, he just leaned back in the chair and stretched his legs out and set them on the edge of the brick around the fire pit.

“You know,” he began, “sometimes I think those who pass on have it easier than those of us left here to continue trudging through life. So she has every right to worry about you.”

Katie didn’t want to be pitied. She wanted cancer to go away and never come back. She cursed under her breath.

“I
hate
cancer!” She echoed the words she’d heard her mother speak several times over the course of the past two years.

“I do too,” he agreed with her, then went quiet.

“I mean, these cancer cells sit in our bodies, and then just decide to show up out of nowhere?”

Chase’s lips quirked to the side like he was about to contradict her, but instead, he said, “Something like that.”

She took that as permission to continue rambling. “And unless you go in for body scans all the time, you don’t know cancer is lurking until it’s too late to do something about it.”

He just nodded, and she couldn’t stop the words from pouring out.

“Maybe Mom is right. Maybe it’s all a conspiracy, and no one will ever cure cancer because it brings in too much money. Heaven knows we’ve spent plenty trying to find the treatment that would at least put her in remission. Something, anything! I guess they’re right—you can’t buy time. I tried!”

A single tear escaped her eye and traveled down her cheek. She swiped at it quickly, hoping he didn’t see.

“Katie, you did everything humanly possible. No one can ever doubt that.” His husky voice was soft.

“Then why doesn’t it feel like it? Why do I feel like I have to keep trying? Why does it feel like failure to let hospice come in? Why can’t I agree with her choice?”

He sighed, and Katie knew she sounded like a two-year-old having a temper tantrum.