Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale (4 page)

Marcus can’t ignore the pain in my eyes and walks back over to me. I know he loves me; I can see it in his face. He’s doing this because he thinks I don’t love him like he deserves to be loved.
Maybe he’s right.

I can see softness once again enter Marcus’s eyes, making him seem like the sweet, gentle man I married. “I shouldn’t have brought this up tonight. We can talk about it after Christmas. Just forget I said anything.” He leans down and kisses the top of my head and turns towards our bedroom like the past five minutes didn’t just happen. “Are you coming to bed?”

I can’t answer him at first. I just stare at the ground, trying to gather myself. I am completely floored that he can act like he didn’t just basically tell me that he wants to split up. We have an affectionate relationship and a healthy sex life. An amazing sex life, if I compared it to most of my friends. I give him everything I can. He has what was left of my heart but it’s not enough.

I try to smile, wiping the tears from my face. “I told my mom that I’d pick up out here and take the trash out. It won’t take long. I’ll come back in a bit.” I know taking out the trash is something Marcus will avoid like the plague. I know if he thinks that’s what I’m doing, he’ll leave me alone. Marcus will be sound asleep in seconds with the amount he drank tonight, and I need time to clear my head.

I turn hastily, grabbing the empty glasses my mom and dad left sitting at the bar and follow Marcus down the hallway. He pauses at the kitchen and turns to me with a regretful smile. “I’ve just had too much to drink, Cam. I shouldn’t have said anything. You know how much I love you.” He walks up to me and kisses me. I instinctively reach up and wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him back.

When we break apart, I can’t speak. My head is spinning with confusion. Was it anger? Fear? Regret? I need to get fresh air, and away from Marcus. He obviously meant every word he said by the fire, and is now regretting voicing his feelings. He knows me too well. He knows I will protect my heart at all costs.

I take the trash bag from under the sink and stuff in it the large bag my dad has sitting by the door, waiting to be brought out to the cans on the side of the house.
Thanks, Dad,
I think sarcastically. I slip on my dad’s heavy down jacket and boots before heading out to the trash cans outside. I grab the bag, trying to flip it up onto my shoulder like Santa Claus, but the weight of the trash bag almost sends me tumbling over, down the iced-over steps. I regain my footing and turn around, hopping it down the steps to the walkway. The cold air slices through me like a knife when I step onto the porch at the side of my house. It has to be below zero tonight with the wind chill but the cold is a welcomed shock to my numbed system. Tears that were once on my cheeks are swept away with the brutal breeze assaulting my face. I don’t care about the cold. I just need to be away from Marcus, to be away from everyone, so that I can do anything but think about the possibility of causing my marriage to crumble apart.

I begin digging into my dad’s jacket pocket, and quickly find what I knew was hidden there. I pull out an almost empty pack of Marlboro Reds.
Really, Dad?
Without hesitation, I take out a cigarette, trying to flip it up into my mouth like I used to do when I was in college. Unsuccessful at my attempt, I watch as it bounces off my nose and onto my boot. I have to laugh a little at my confident attempt trying something I haven’t tried in years. Learning from my stupidity, I place the cigarette into my mouth this time, taking a deep drag, trying to warm my insides. At first the suffocating sensation of the smoke filling my lungs sends a calm through me. Then the reality that I haven’t smoked in years hits my body, and I begin hacking up a lung. As I’m caught between trying to catch my breath and laughing at myself for another stupid move, the bright headlights of a car slowly turning down the deserted icy street catches my attention. It’s very unusual for a car to drive down our street this time of year, especially this late at night. I can’t help but wonder if it is the Hawker family back from their day in the city. I always loved hearing the stories of their highly dysfunctional family events. It always makes me feel more normal knowing there are people even crazier than me out there.

I take a couple deep breaths and try to clear my throat as my curiosity gets the best of me and I head out towards the street. I need a little neighborly conversation to distract me from the reality of my life, so I continue out to the end of the wooden fence next to the driveway where the trashcans are lined up, dragging the heavy bag of trash behind me so that I can appear to be doing something other than being nosey. My mind seems to freeze as the dark car approaches my house. No one else lives at this end of the street this time of year.
It can’t be.

Suddenly snow begins to fall in sheets seemingly coming from nowhere, making the car slow down almost to a stop in front of me. I nervously wrap my dad’s enormous winter coat around me when the mysterious car suddenly pulls in next door, into Holden’s old driveway.
It can’t be.

It’s a black Tahoe with blacked-out windows, a newer version of one like Holden used to drive. My heart skips a beat for a second, hoping it really is Holden, but I know it can’t be. Then reality sets in. Holden hasn’t lived here since his parents died eight years ago. There has been a new owner every summer since he hastily sold it to the first person who made an offer. No one who bought his family’s house stayed year round like Holden’s used to.

I stand motionless for a moment before wiping the snowflakes from my now numb face, and silently curse myself for standing out here in a blizzard being a nosey neighbor for so long. What was I thinking? Even if it had been the Hawkers, I wouldn’t have gone over to them this time of night. Especially with a tear-streaked face and cigarette smoke on my breath.
Holden is gone and is never coming back
.

My eyes are now watering from the cold and my nose is beginning to run. I can only imagine what a mess I must look like and decide to get back into the house before having to make an introduction to our new neighbor looking this way. I pull the hood over my head, trying to protect my face from the flying snowflakes, and quickly open the trashcan, struggling to lift the enormous trash bag inside. I hear a car door open, making me fumble with the bag, and the cans spill everywhere.
Oh crap, please don’t be a polite neighbor and try to talk to me now.

“Need some help, Mr. Dade?” a familiar deep voice asks.

My heart really does stop now. I close my eyes, wishing I could disappear. Wishing I was anywhere else but out here, looking this way, feeling this way.
Dear Lord, please make me a bird so I can fly far…far, far away from here.

Holden’s now next to me, taking the bag from my hands before I can answer. I hesitantly look up from beneath my furry hood, putting on the fakest smile I have ever forced on my face. I can feel every wrinkle on my face from the blistering cold, reminding me of my age.
Tonight just keeps getting better!

“Oh my goodness.” My voice is ten decibels higher than usual.
Great start, Cam.
“Holden, what are you doing here?” I squeak, trying to hide the nervousness in my voice unsuccessfully. I begin looking anywhere but at his face, bending down to grab the cans from the snow at my feet.
I am invisible. I am invisible
.

He places his finger under my chin when I stand up, making my eyes meet his in a way that makes my stomach flutter. “Cam, is that you? I can’t see anything under that hood of yours.” He pulls the hood off my face, leaving me feeling far too exposed.
This sucks!
I shield my eyes from the falling snow…and Holden’s gaze.

Unexpectedly, he pulls me into a tight hug, clearly not noticing the devastation on my face. “I didn’t think I’d get to see you until tomorrow. I wanted to surprise you,” he says cheerfully.

I pull back, still shocked to be standing here with Holden. Noticing the astonishment on my snow covered face, he leads me into his garage and out of the blizzard. He nonchalantly begins to dust off his black wool jacket as if this is a common situation. I can’t help but notice he still wears his hair the same way as he did the last time we saw each other, dark and unruly. I also notice that his mischievous dimpled smile can’t hide the sadness that’s still behind his bright green eyes.

“I didn’t realize you moved back,” is all I can think to say, still in a voice too high to hide my surprise.

His smile grows at my nervousness. “I just bought it back last month. Awhile back, I had asked your dad to let me know when it was on the market again. He said the place had gone to shit since I moved. I can’t let that happen, can I?” he asks casually.

“My dad didn’t mention you spoke with each other recently,” I stutter out. I haven’t spoken to Holden myself for almost a year…and even then, it was just to say happy birthday.

Holden begins to make his way next to me with a mocking smile on his face. It’s a smile I’m all too familiar with, and can’t help but smile back.

“Jealous now, are we?” he asks, wiping snow off my head like I am a five-year-old.

“Shut up, Holden. You’re such a jerk. I guess I would have thought your return after all this time would be something they’d tell me.”

“I know, Cam. I’m sorry it’s been so long. I guess life’s gotten away from us.” He absentmindedly runs his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends. I can’t help but smile at the familiarity of his actions.

I hit his chest playfully, trying not to act like his return affects me. “It’s great to see you again, Holden.”

Holden hugs me, kissing the top of my head like he has done so many times before. “Seriously, it all happened really fast. I’m working for a firm in New York City now as an associate partner. I thought I could come down on weekends and holidays. I paid less for it than I sold it for, so it’s a win-win situation.”

We both turn and are now leaning against the wall of his empty garage and continue filling each other in on recent turn of events. I, of course, leave out the details of my marriage. My nervousness turns to comfort with the easiness our conversation begins to take on. In a few short minutes, it’s beginning to feel as if we’ve never been apart. I want to cry, knowing that my best friend is back when I need him the most. Relief overtakes me at the absence of sexual tension between us. It’s as if I have my best friend at my side right now, not my ex-boyfriend.

“When will you move everything in?” I ask, noticing there is nothing but a few shelves filled with tools in the garage.

“I’m all moved in. It’s even decorated for Christmas. Your mom did the decorating as a housewarming present. She said that she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if I spent Christmas in a house without a tree.” He laughs, knowing my mom’s controlling personality all too well.

It both warms my heart and pisses me off to know all this has gone on without my knowing. My parents have always kept a close relationship with Holden after his parents died; they invite him to everything, even my wedding. But he never comes, not once. He has never met my girls.

A cold gust of snow comes shooting into the garage, forcing me to wrap my jacket more tightly around me. I’m instantly shot back to the reality that my family is all sound asleep next door on Christmas Eve and decide to go back where I belong.

“It’s great to have you back in town. I’m happy for you, Holden. I guess that means I’ll be seeing more of you, although I don’t get back here too often myself.” I start backing out of the garage, trying to make my escape.

Holden reaches out and grabs my hand before I can make a break for it, sensing the change in my attitude. He’s almost bending down, trying to meet my gaze. “Hey Cam, are you okay? I didn’t mean to upset you. I just didn’t want to get your hopes up if I couldn’t make it tomorrow. It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other.”

I suddenly become angry at his arrogance in thinking he has any effect on me anymore.
Clearly he has no effect on me anymore.
He has relatively shut me out of his life for the past decade.

“What makes you think I would have my hopes up at seeing you again,
Holden
?” All of my sadness before begins to collide with my conflicted feelings of seeing Holden like this, sending a tornado of feelings through me. “We have barely spoken in years, Holden, and that was
your
choice. Like I said, I’m glad you’re back. It’s going to be great catching up. I hope you can stop by and meet my girls and see Marcus tomorrow.” I try to regain control of the conversation and my emotions.

Holden knows me too well. He can see the hurt in my eyes, but he has no idea of the real reason behind it. I am sure of one thing right now. I will do my best to make sure he never knows.

“Will do. I’m looking forward to it. Your mom invited me to brunch.” He winks, knowing this is probably going to put me over the edge.

I can’t help but smile back. “Of course she did.”
Of course she did.

J
uly 4, 2012

“Camryn, please tell your father that he cannot wear this horrible outfit to the party,” my mom bellows to me from the deck in pure disgust. I can hear her pecking away at my dad when I walk outside to see what all her fuss is about.

“Dad, honestly, this is getting a little out of hand. Have you no pride left?” I can’t help but taunt him. It is taking every bit of self-control not to bust out laughing at his ridiculous outfit. Not only is Dad wearing red and blue starred knee-high socks that I’m pretty sure are meant for teenage girls, but his plump belly is accentuated with his skin tight Bruce Springsteen T-shirt tucked in—
yes, I said tucked in
—to blue jean shorts that makes mom jeans seem like low-rise. I begin rubbing his belly playfully. “Please tell me you don’t have a bandanna in your back pocket.”

My mom pulls out her perfectly manicured hand, waving a red bandanna. “He tried, of course. You’re incorrigible, Bobby. Now go on inside and put on the respectable outfit that is laid out on the bed. We are having too many important people here today for you to act like you belong in Seaside.”