Dying Wish: A Novel of the Sentinel Wars (22 page)

“It’s your world, too. You belong here.”

“I know you think so, but I have to do what’s right for me. I’m trying really hard to be a good sport about our accidental predicament. I didn’t even freak out when you said Tynan failed to free me.”

“Because you’ve already made up your mind to move on, with or without our bond.”

“I’m going to help you find these breeding sites, but once the threat is gone, I have to move on. I’ll go insane if my whole life ends up being a series of terror and pain.”

Like it had been for the past two years.

He tried to hide his sympathy for her, knowing it would come across as pity. His Jackie wouldn’t want anyone’s pity. She was too independent for that.

“Are you serious about helping find these nests?” he asked.

“I am. We’ll do this one thing together, and after that, I need you—all of you—to let me go.”

This was likely the only gift he’d ever be able to give her, and he didn’t want it to pass him by. “I will. I’ll let you go.” One way or another.

J
ackie went through the photos Nicholas gave her, searching for something that looked familiar. Many of the caves’ entrances were shielded by brush, but only one of them was a gaping hole that went straight down into the ground.

As soon as she saw it, she remembered that—remembered staring over the edge, knowing that once she went down there, she’d never be able to crawl back up. The drop was too steep, her arms too weak from hunger and loss of blood.

“This one,” she said, handing Iain the photo. “This looks right.”

He nodded, his expression hard. “We’ll need rappelling gear. And you’ll need warm clothes. A cold front is moving in.”

“When do we go?”

“As soon as you’re ready. You should get some sleep first.”

There was no way she was going to be able to sleep, knowing that as soon as she woke, she was headed back to the source of her nightmares. “I’ll sleep in the car,” she lied. “I just want to get this over with.”

“I’ll meet you at the garage in twenty minutes. You’ll find everything you need in the storage room. I’ll drop you off there on my way.”

Twenty minutes later, she had an overnight bag packed with a change of clothes, toiletries, and a fully loaded gun with spare bullets. She stood by the door to the underground garage, watching Iain stride down the hall. His long, thick legs ate up the distance, and his arms bulged with the weight of the gear he carried.

He surveyed her up and down, his black eyes sparkling with respect. “You were fast.”

“It’s easy to pack when you own nothing.”

Her flippant comment made him frown. “We’ll fix that when we get back. You should have the things that make you happy.”

“Things don’t make a person happy.”

“It’ll make me happy to see you with them.”

She tried to picture him smiling, and the only image she could conjure was the one of him smiling down at Serena, love filling his gaze. She would have liked to have him look at her with half as much emotion. Hell, even a fleeting grin would be miraculous.

“Why don’t you ever smile?” she asked him as they went into the garage.

“Demons roam the earth. The people I consider family keep dying. Chances are I won’t live to see summer. What’s there to smile about?”

The idea of his death left her cold. Her voice came out in a wavering whisper. “Why do you think you’ll die?”

“Shit happens,” was all he said.

Jackie was certain there was something more to it than that. “That’s it? Shit happens?”

He unlocked the doors of a big SUV and stowed his gear in the back. He took the strap of her bag from her shoulder and added it to the pile. “I’ve lived a long time. I’ve gotten lucky more than most. I may not grow old and die like humans, but I can be killed. Eventually, I will be. It’s not something you need to worry about.”

“Of course I’m going to worry. Especially when you talk like that. I…care for you.”

His jaw tightened and his gaze went cold. “Don’t,” was all he said, and then he turned and got in behind the wheel.

Jackie got in and fastened her seat belt. “You know, if you don’t loosen up and at least try to get over your past, then you’re going to be stuck with me for a long time.”

“You don’t need to worry about that.”

“Meaning I don’t need to worry, or it’s none of my business?”

“Take it whichever way makes you stop talking about it fastest.”

Jackie wasn’t willing to let it drop. Iain was cold, but it was only because he’d been hurt. He’d lost the woman he loved. That would make anyone a bit frigid. And if this were just about him, she might have respected his decision to wallow in his grief. But it wasn’t. His wallowing directly affected her. Until he got over his heartbreak, she was going to be tied to him, and no matter how wonderfully scorching his kisses were, neither of them wanted that. She wasn’t just pushing him for her sake, but his as well.

“I see why you loved her. She might have been the most beautiful woman ever born. And fearless, too.”

“Jackie,” he said in warning.

“In my vision, it seemed like you two had been together for a while, and yet she still hadn’t taken your luceria. Why not?”

A muscle in his jaw bunched and his knuckles went white as his grip on the steering wheel tightened. At first, she didn’t think he’d answer, but she waited, hoping the silence would expand until he had no choice but to fill it.

“Her mother,” he bit out. “Her mother forbade it. I wasn’t good enough for Serena, and her mother forced her to wait in the hopes that another compatible mate would present himself.”

“It never happened,” guessed Jackie.

Iain shook his head. “No, it happened. Two days before she…” He trailed off, then cleared his throat. “Another warrior came through the town where we were staying. His ring reacted, and Serena’s mother gave her to him.”

“Gave?”

“Customs were different then. Serena’s mother had been alive for centuries, and followed the old ways. She felt Serena was her property and she could do with her as she pleased. So she did.”

“But I saw her with you. It looked like the two of you were planning on…you know.”

“Serena snuck out and came to my home. We decided to bind ourselves to each other that night. I didn’t want to wait, but she wanted everything to be just right. I knew her. I knew the vow she gave me would be forever. She wouldn’t have left any room for her mother to separate us, other than in death.”

“But you were attacked,” said Jackie, remembering the vision. “She never had time to give you any vow.”

He gave a slight nod. “She died because of me, because I didn’t have the courage to steal her away from her overbearing mother. I’d wanted her to accept me as a son, for us to be a family. I thought that’s what Serena wanted, so I played nice. It cost Serena her life. If she’d had access to my power, she could have defended herself. She would have survived.”

And he would still be with her, happy like all the other Theronai couples.

The loss of that happiness was as tragic as Serena’s death. And yet, if he’d been tied to another woman, Jackie wouldn’t have had the courage to choose any of the men. He was the only one she could have picked. All the others she would have let down. It had been Iain’s lack of hope that had allowed her to take a chance, and yet that same lack of hope was also keeping him from moving on.

Maybe a man like him could never get over the death of the woman he loved. Maybe that was what had stolen his hope.

Her head flopped back against the seat in frustration. This situation seemed impossible, and the more she thought about it, the worse things got.

She was tied to a man who was in love with a dead woman, when what she really wanted was for him to love her.

Jackie froze in her seat as the realization dawned on her.

No. That couldn’t be true. She didn’t want his love. What the hell would she do with it, even if she had it? She was strong and independent and ready to take back her old life.

Wasn’t she?

Did it even matter? There was no way a man like Iain could ever love her. She was no exotic beauty who went toe-to-toe with demons, armed only with a skinny sword and blindingly fast reflexes.

She looked at him, enjoying the sight. She knew she shouldn’t stare, but they were too close for her to resist, and watching him calmed some of the fear vibrating inside of her. There was something reassuring in his obvious strength, in the thickness of his limbs and the width of his shoulders. At one time, she would have considered herself shallow for thinking such things, but after having seen what he could do in a fight, she realized the value of such assets as being more than mere eye candy.

His body filled the space, radiating heat and energy. She didn’t have to touch him anymore to feel the pool of power he housed. It wove through their connection, widening the conduit more with every passing hour.

She wondered what he was thinking, but didn’t dare reach out and try to read his mind. That was too intimate, too intrusive. If he’d done so to her, she would
have been pissed, so she kept her mind to herself like a good girl, despite her curiosity.

“You can’t blame yourself for Serena’s death,” she said. “If you want to blame someone, blame her mother and those archaic beliefs.”

“I think it would be better if we didn’t discuss this anymore.”

“I need something to distract me from what we’re about to do. I still can’t believe I let myself get talked into going back to one of those caves. If the demons find me and drag me in—”

“They won’t. I won’t allow it.” He said it like the words created reality, like he could control the outcome through sheer willpower.

“You may not be able to stop them. What if you get poisoned again?”

“You have my power now. You’re hardly defenseless anymore.”

That was true. Sometimes she was sure she could feel a new ability come to her out of thin air. Helen had struggled with learning fire. Lexi had trouble doing anything for a while. But unlike with her sisters, the knowledge seemed to pop into her head when she needed it, as if she’d been born knowing what to do. Even things she’d never actually tried before, she was certain she could pull off.

At least her confidence hadn’t been destroyed with the rest of her life.

They rode in silence for more than an hour. Weariness began to drag at her. She hadn’t slept much in days, and she feared it would slow her reflexes or hinder her judgment. She closed her eyes, hoping to get a nap, and fell into a hard, dreamless sleep.

The car’s engine went quiet, jolting Jackie awake.

“Easy,” said Iain, putting a comforting hand on her thigh. “Everything’s fine.”

She’d woken so many times to terror and tragedy during her captivity, it was hard for her to remember
that she was safe now. In those few brief seconds before she remembered she was free, her body reacted, filling her system with adrenaline.

Her heart raced, and it was hard to pull in a full breath. She focused on the heat of Iain’s wide hand on her leg, sinking through her jeans. That was real. Solid. He wasn’t going to let anything happen to her.

Slowly, her jangled nerves relaxed, and she filled her lungs with oxygen to slow her breathing.

“Next time I’ll make sure you wake more gently,” he said, staring at her, unmoving.

That comment sent all kinds of interesting ideas floating about her head. His mouth was gentle. He could definitely use that to good advantage. She wouldn’t mind at all waking up to find his mouth on her.

Not that that was going to happen, but it was nice to think about, and gave her something else to fill her mind that had nothing to do with fear.

They were parked outside a small house that had neighbors so distant she could barely see them. The sun was low in the sky, casting stringy shadows over the ground. She’d slept for hours, likely thanks to the soothing effect his nearness had on her.

“Where are we?” she asked.

“You wanted to visit Samson. This is his home.”

Surprise and joy slid through her, warming her up. “You arranged this?”

He shrugged one heavy shoulder and pulled his hand from her thigh. “Joseph doesn’t know, but Samson’s foster parents are expecting us.”

She was so excited to see him again and hold him close. He was so precious, and the fact that he was still alive after several weeks was more than a miracle.

She reached for the car door handle, and hurried toward the house. Iain slipped smoothly in front of her, blocking her path. “There’s something you need to know before we go in.”

Was something wrong with Samson? Was he sick or dying like all the other half-Synestryn babies?

Fear sat in her stomach, cold and hard. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know. “What?”

“He’s not growing normally.”

She grabbed his arm to steady herself. This couldn’t be happening, not after he’d beaten the odds and survived.

Denial rose to Samson’s defense, protecting Jackie from her worst fears. “They can’t know yet. He’s only a few weeks old. There’s no way they can tell he’s not growing yet. Give him time.”

Iain’s hand smoothed over her hair in a comforting caress. “No, it’s not that. He’s growing, but he’s growing too fast. He’s not the infant you remember. I didn’t want you to be shocked when you saw him.”

“He’s too big?”

Iain nodded, cupping her shoulder. “I’m sure he’s exactly the size he’s supposed to be, but it’s not normal for a human. He may have been altered in some way so he would grow fast, or it may simply be a side effect of his parentage.”

While he was touching her, her fear for Samson was manageable. There was something about being near Iain that made the worst things seem not so bad.

She nodded her understanding, and then reached for his hand, threading her fingers through his. She needed to be strong for Samson, and if that meant clinging to Iain like some lovesick schoolgirl, then that’s what she’d do. “I want to see him, but we can’t stay long. It’s almost dark. I won’t draw any danger to him.”

“Okay. Let’s go.”

Hope spent all day hydrating and lounging in the sun, soaking up as much as she could. It sank into her cells, reviving them in a way she still didn’t understand. By the time dusk fell, she hurried back to the suite she shared with Logan.