Dystopyum (The D-ot Hexalogy Book 1) (11 page)

Martha broke her gaze, and looked away.
Why can’t I handle this,
she
thought to herself.
I thought everything was going to be all right, but now
—
Griswolt didn’t care about the rejection. It was so nice to see them
together, like normal. Well, normal enough.
Jan looked at his mother and asked, “Can we eat soon?”
Martha started to get up, and said, “Well, let’s see what we have in
the kitchen.”
Griswolt said, “No, let me get dinner for us. I’ll take care of it.” He
did not want to change anything he saw there. He turned and left the
bedroom, happier than he had been in quite a while.
Griswolt prepared a quick dinner, and they all gathered in the kitchen
to eat. This was their first official meal together, and he relished all of it.
I
thought they were lost forever,
he thought to himself during dinner.
It is
so hard to understand — it’s like a miracle.
During dinner, Griswolt
asked Martha, “So what happened today? How did things change so
quickly?”
Whenever Griswolt would speak, Martha would get a shiver down her
spine to the tip of her tail. It would twitch, and she could not control it. His
male voice triggered it. She would essentially snap her replies at him, if she
responded at all. She could not tell him the truth, which further complicated
things. After a while, her tone lowered, and she became more civil.
Jan was comfortable now, and was more responsive. He still, however, held onto the detached demeanor somewhat.
When dinner was over, Griswolt retired to the living room. Martha
had offered to clean up after dinner, which he welcomed. Jan stayed in the
living room with his dad and played a game of “Stack” with him.
Martha joined them later, but she sat by herself on the chair, reading a
magazine.
“I see you tended to Jan’s wounds,” Griswolt said to Martha gratefully. “Thank you.”
Martha looked at Griswolt with a pursed half-smile, but then quickly
avoided his gaze. The evening went on in largely the same awkward
manner, and at the end of it, Jan went to his bedroom. A little later,
Martha went down to say goodnight to him.

Jan bolted up out of bed, screaming, “Don’t touch me!” He was
standing on the floor on the other side of the bed now.
Martha, startled by his reaction now, rose and quickly told him, “It’s
all right Jan, I won’t touch you. I’m sorry I surprised you. I understand, I
still feel like that now —” She hung her head and continued, “— with
your father.” Then she lifted her head, and catching his eyes said, “We’re
going to get better, I know it. We will be happy again.” With a smile she
said, “Goodnight, Jan.”
Jan was standing there, his heart still pounding.
Why did you just
scare me? You won’t hurt me now, I know it
—
why am I still afraid?
He
did not return her “Goodnight” gniteerg. He stood there in his red and
yellow dotted pajamas, waiting for her to leave.
Martha knew that he only needed a little more time, just as she did, so
she simply went upstairs for the night.
After he lay back down in bed, Jan’s heartbeat began to slow. He
started thinking about the day. He was not so afraid now, but was still
extremely conflicted. “Love is death, isn’t it?” he asked himself.
Why does it feel so good, then?
He thought about how scary yet nice
it felt to hug his mother earlier today, and how he did not feel as
frightened and panicked as before. He could not understand why his fear
came back so fast —
and what about love?
“If love is bad, why does it
make things better?” he asked to the dark room.
“Love is bad only to the dragon,”
the voice said.
“You!” Jan said. “I remember you!” You helped me in the kitchen!”
Jan suddenly felt very safe. The voice seemed to come from inside of
him, but it was the gentlest adult male voice. It felt good — expanding
comfort, pleasance, came with the presence of the voice.
“Can I ask you something?” Jan queried.
“What would you like to ask?”
the voice responded.
“Can you tell me why I was afraid of Mama tonight?” Jan wanted to
know. He felt that the voice would somehow know something about this.
“It was the dragon,”
the voice answered.
“The dragon is driven to
hate and fears love. The school made your dragon stronger, and brought
it close to the center of your mind. It would have stayed there for a long
time if it were not for your mother’s actions. She saved you from your
dragon today.”
Jan was confused. “How did she save me?”
The voice said,
“She made you remember love. The dragon cannot
stand the thought of love. When you accepted it, and chose to forgive your
mother for a moment, the light of that decision arose from your true
center, weakened the dragon, driving it back into the far edges of your
mind.”
Jan became concerned, “Will it come back?”
“It did tonight, when she startled you in bed. As long as you walk this
world, the dragon can return,”
the voice replied. Then the voice said,
“God protects the center. Relax and sleep child, you have won the day.
Well done, Jan!”

The voice then appeared to fade away, and Jan curled up on his side,
eyes closed and relaxed, smiling. He stretched, gave a yawn, and drifted
off into a pleasant night’s sleep.

As Jan’s body was slowly releasing, he slipped deeper and deeper,
and became barely aware of a whispering in his ears. It sounded like
many voices, male and female, all whispering unintelligible words. The
whispering then fell silent at the reappearance of the voice.

In the dawning of a dream, Jan found himself in his kitchen, and the
voice was above the kitchen table, in a diffused extremely white light,
very reminiscent of when he had been a toddler confronting the trachna.
Although the voice sounded like it was coming from his own thoughts, it
also seemed to be part of the lovely light suspended softly before him. Jan
was standing on the chair, pondering the light — so bright yet soft, so
gentle — so purely white.

“How could I forget you?” he asked the light, knowing that someone
was there. “Who are you?” Jan asked the light.
The voice spoke, and it said,
“I am the Guide, Jan. Please take my
hand.”
Jan wondered about this. He was thinking,
what hand?
Then he saw it. A hand slowly appeared in the light, and Jan found
himself wondering why he hadn’t seen it before. He knew that somehow
it was there the whole time.
“Take my hand, Jan,”
the voice repeated.
Jan slowly reached his hand out to the light, feeling the opposite of a
chill as his hand crossed over into it. The gentlest expanding warmth
filled his hand as he continued, tentatively grasping the hand presented to
him. The remarkable warm feeling traveled up his arm, and his heart
deeply accepted it. From there, his whole body seemed to be filled with
this wonderful presence, inside and out. As he felt the glow of this, his
vision opened. He saw more in the light, starting with the hand, then the
arm, and then before he knew it, the experience changed. Jan was holding
the hand of what seemed like an angel standing next to him, beside the
table now, in the kitchen.
Jan looked closely at the hand. The each scale was glowing, perfectly
smooth as glass, and rounded — the scales together appeared countless in
number and depth. The Guide patiently waited as Jan intimately examined
hand and arm, which extended from the brilliant white robe he was
wearing, and then Jan’s attention was turned to the whole. The robe
looked as if it were woven from threads of light. He looked up.
The Guide’s face was stunning, glowing. His shade of color appeared
to alternate between white light and random striking pure colors of the
rainbow, depending on each instant’s perception. All of the Guide’s scales
were translucent over what appeared to be light underneath. His body
scales projected thin prism-like rainbows of color around their outlines as
well. They appeared to be scales within scales, like mirrors within
mirrors. It was all very mesmerizing to Jan.
“You are so beautiful! How? What are you?” Jan was in absolute
awe.
His scales — what is it? Each one looks like a star, as deep as the
sky, but they’re small, here in front of me. So beautiful, so strange — so
perfect.
“What am I?”
The Guide responded,
“I am your future. I am everyone’s future. I come to those in the world who the Author has chosen for
special uses. Everyone has a special use. Some of these are especially
critical to the timing of the plan. You are one of these. I am here to teach,
and you are here to learn.”
“What do you want me to learn?” Jan asked, still in a state of awe. He
would do anything for this person — just to have his presence.
“You need to learn many things, but for now, you need to learn about
the dragon,”
The Guide said.
“Here,”
he said,
“Let me show you
something”.
Then he reached over and pinched Jan in the arm.
“Ow!” Jan said, surprised, as he backed away.
“Now then,”
the Guide said.
“Did that hurt?”
“Yes!” said Jan, as he was rubbing his arm.
“Tell me now,”
the Guide gently challenged,
“How can your arm
hurt if this is a dream?”
Jan was standing there, rubbing his arm.
He’s right, you know
, he
thought to himself,
this is a dream.
As he continued rubbing his arm, he
realized that it didn’t hurt at all. He had been hoodwinked — by himself.
He unexpectedly felt foolish.

“You see Jan,”
the Guide continued,
“This is a part of you that is not
part of the world of harm. You need to become more aware of this part of
you, if you are to be brave in the world of harm. When your dragon rises,
you will forget this part of you. When you forget this part of you, your
dragon rises, because of your world. We must protect your memory by
binding the dragon. We should do this tonight.”

Jan was nodding his head. For now, he only understood that he did
not want the dragon, and that the Guide knew how to keep the dragon
away. “What is the dragon?” he asked, a little fearful of the answer.

“It is that. The fear you feel when thinking about it. The dragon is a
place of bad memories inside you and everybody. It needs you to be
afraid, because if it can make you afraid, you become bound to it.”

“What do you want me to do?” Jan asked the Guide.
“Please hold my hand again Jan,”
the Guide requested.
Jan took hold of the Guide’s hand.
The Guide continued,
“Now, Jan, I want you to think, as clearly as

Jan recoiled at the thought. He let go of the Guide’s hand and said,
“No! I won’t go there!”
The Guide slowly squatted down, and looked Jan eye to eye.
Jan was quite easily mesmerized by the empathetic eyes and loving
expression on the face of the Guide. “I love you,” Jan found himself
saying.
“I know,”
said the Guide, returning the love as Jan’s heart warmed.
“Trust me in this, Jan. You will understand when we are through. Can
you trust me for a little while longer?”
Jan diverted his gaze. S
hould I? I don’t want to think about that
school. But —
“Will you be there with me all the time?” he asked.
The Guide broke into a loving smile,
“Yes, I will, the entire time you
stay with it, I will be with you, Jan.”
Jan was ready, “OK, then, what do you want me to do?”
“Hold my hand,”
the Guide said, having a seat beside Jan.
Jan held the Guide’s hand, and then said, “Now what?”
The Guide replied,
“I want you to return your mind to the first thing
you can remember about the love-destruction school.”

Jan felt a flash of fear when he remembered taking his one last glance
at his mother in front of the school when the guards knocked her
unconscious. He saw her slumping body being held up as she was
attacked. After a moment, Jan realized something, and said, “I don’t feel
anything right now. I thought I was afraid. She’s not there now — she’s
safe here at home.”

The Guide answered,
“You can do this. You are a child, and your
mother has exposed you to much love. That fact makes it easier for you to
talk to me than it is for an adult to talk to me. Love flows more purely in
children for a while in the world. It does not last. Each painful experience
builds the dragon. The dragon cherishes each pain, and saves it. It is true
that the dragon and I cannot stand in the same place at the same time.
Keep me with you, and we will do this together.”

One by one, the Guide and Jan went through Jan’s horrific episodes in
love-deprogramming school. As each fearful episode was handed over to
the common observation of Jan and the Guide together, the Guide’s
presence erased any trace of fear associated with the memories. Memory
by memory, Jan’s load was lightened.
It didn’t hurt this part of me at all!
Jan realized. He was thinking,
is this real?
Then, out of the blue, he saw
his torturer’s sore-riddled face right in front of him, and it scared the
daylights out of him.

Jan sprang up in bed, wide-awake, with his heart pounding in the
dark. He was sitting, bracing himself up with his arms, and panting for
breath. His chest was still seized with fear.
It’s OK —
he thought to
himself,
there’s nobody here.
He started to relax, and wondering about the
Guide. He heard the Guide’s voice again.

“Jan — it’s all right Jan. I’m here with you. I’m always here.”
the
Guide said in an easy, soothing manner.
The Guide was reassuring, and Jan started to relax. He felt the gentlest warmth again that came with the voice of the Guide. In his dark
bedroom, Jan began to notice a soothing glow coming from his chest. It
was both inside him and outside him. The glow grew to about the size of
his chest, and he could not stop looking down into it.

The Guide said,
“Remember what I’ve said. When you bring me with
you, you can look at any frightening thing, and it won’t scare you. We
need to continue. Don’t be afraid, Jan.”

Jan knew what he meant. He now understood that his memory of the
torture room was still there, inside, untapped, full of dark potential. He
knew what the Guide wanted, and Jan did not want it.

He said to the Guide, “If I look in there, I’ll die!”
“That is your dragon talking. The only thing vulnerable is the dragon.
It wants your pain to remain hidden. If we look at it together, it can’t
control you any longer, and your mother won’t frighten you anymore.
Please, look, and I will be there with you.”
Jan trusted the Guide, but still. In the end, he seemed to have no
choice. He had to do it.
“OK, I’ll try,” Jan said with a sigh.
Jan resumed his focus on the glow coming from his chest to get more
secure, and then thought of the school. He was drawn to his most fearful
memory of the school. His torturer had just come back from a break, and
had found him crying. Jan’s torturer punished him for this by giving him a
double dose of electricity. His ugly face was in front of Jan’s face,
delighting in Jan’s misery.
“I don’t feel anything!” Jan exclaimed. “Look at him! He can’t touch
me, nothing can touch me!” He looked at the image, and said, “You can’t
touch me, can you?” The image of the torturer faded from his mind.
“Why aren't you afraid?”
The Guide asked.
Jan answered, “Because when I look at the dragon with you here, I
can tell that it's not real, because you are
more
real.
You
are what’s real,
not what happened!” He hesitated, waiting for the words to describe how
he felt. “I feel so strong!” Jan started laughing.
“Yes, Jan. You have begun to discover what you really are. You cannot be hurt, but in the world, your body can be hurt. This fact is what you
will learn. Our Author created us safe forever and ever, but souls in your
world are blind to this. During childhood, they soon forget their
invulnerability, because that was not what they came here for. I cannot
tell you why, it is too much for you to bear for now.
“When you look at love, you become blind to the dragon’s temporary,
but powerful, existence in the world. You cannot both carry love and
remember pain in any given instant. Painful memories and revenge are
the only things the dragon has, aside from its hosts’ cooperation. It is
impossible for the dragon to see the only true light, because the dragon
does not exist in truth. The dragon does not come from eternity, and
cannot understand or see any of this — but you do and you can.”
“I feel wonderful! I can really feel love everywhere!” exclaimed Jan.
Then, with the Guide’s help, he continued to look for other painful
memories of the love-deprogramming school, and the fear went away
with each one. Then they proceeded to search for any other bad memories. When they were through, Jan was told that his dragon would never
be completely gone while in the world. For many souls, it would stay
attached long after leaving the world, keeping those souls trapped, blind,
lost and confused, outside of heaven’s gate, until they were led to choose
again.
Jan, bright boy that he was, asked, “What about the good memories?
Where are they?”
“Ahhh,”
said the Guide, pleased with the question.
“They are accepted by the white dragon, which immediately adds them to your
treasure in heaven for safekeeping. Each soul has developed talents and
skills made in to survive in the black dragon’s realm. We steal these
talents from the black dragon after binding it, and the white dragon is
built from this, in the service of heaven.”
Jan smiled at that. He could not comprehend much of what the Guide
had said, but understood that his good memories would be safe in heaven.
When they were finishing, the Guide made a request, saying,
“I want
you to help Rebecca tomorrow. She needs you to lend her a hand with
this, but she does not know. She cannot see it. Remember to do this.”
After they were through, Jan was exhausted. The voice of the Guide
faded, and after some pondering of the night’s wonders, Jan fell into a
deep, pleasant sleep.