Dystopyum (The D-ot Hexalogy Book 1) (13 page)

“…the dragon, for it has lifted the vilest portions of the hidden realm
to the light of life that it may become the life. The great dragon desires
life, but has no awareness of light…”
Martha put the scriptures down, and stared at the opposite wall. “I
don’t understand,” she said to herself. “Jan said that Griswolt raised my
dragon.” She thought about it. “I have this dragon?” she asked herself.
She took a frustrated breath. “Jan’s just a child. He was talking nonsense
this morning. I need to ask Jen the next time I see her.” Jen was a LERN
member that had a wealth of ancient literature, along with copious access
to others with scriptures of their own.
Martha then did her LERN meditations. She focused on love, and
when finding it, she felt it grow inside her.
It is incomprehensible that
other people get along without this,
she thought. She had as much time as
she wanted, and spent a couple of hours “floating”.
Later in the day, Martha listened to the radio. She turned it off as
usual when the propaganda got too thick. “How can intelligent people
take this junk seriously?” she asked herself.
Martha decided to prepare a nice dinner for Griswolt and Jan for
when they came home. “I know, I’ll just think nice thoughts about
Griswolt all day,” Martha said aloud.
I’ve really got to get over this.
Griswolt won’t take my problem forever.

In the early afternoon, Jan came home from school. He was in a hurry
to finish his homework, so he stayed in the living room doing it while
Martha worked on dinner.

When Griswolt arrived from work, he was still angry about the morning’s episode. The day at the office was no picnic, either. He was on
guard when he came downstairs and into the kitchen. Dinner smelled
wonderful, but he wasn’t about to do anything but relax, if he could. He
said nothing, and went to the bedroom to change his clothes.

By the time he came out of the bedroom, Martha was putting dinner
on the table. “Jan, come and eat!” Martha called out. She looked at
Griswolt, who was just walking through the kitchen.
Be nice.
“Griswolt,
are you hungry?” she asked, as sweetly as she could.

Griswolt looked at her, trying not to betray his distrust. “Yes, I sure
am,” he replied.
“Well, have a seat, we are almost ready,” she curtly responded.
She’s ordering me,
Griswolt resentfully thought.
Oh well, I’d better
have a seat.
Jan came in from the living room, and they sat down to eat. Try as she
may, Martha was finding herself annoyed by Griswolt’s chewing sounds.
“Could you try to eat like a D’otian, and not like a gendra?” she asked
with a terse tone.
Griswolt had had enough. She was taking another potentially enjoyable moment, and turning it into an attack. He looked at her and said,
“Why don’t you shut the hell up, and let me eat in peace?”
Jan tightened up, anticipating something bad.
Martha threw her fork at Griswolt, got up, and ran out of the kitchen
yelling, “I’ll leave you in peace! This is the thanks I get.” She ran down
the hallway to their bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
Yeah, I’d like to give you more than thanks, bitch,
Griswolt thought to
himself, as he continued to munch on his dinner.
Jan had lost his appetite, but Griswolt made him stick around and
finish most of his plate.
Later in the evening, Jan was thinking about what happened during
dinner. He wanted to help his mother. Not knowing exactly what to say,
he went into her bedroom anyway. She was lying on the bed, reading a
magazine. “Can I come in?” he asked.
“Yes, love,” she responded, “Come up here in bed with me, Jan.”
He hopped into bed, and snuggled with her. They lay there for a while
without saying anything.
Eventually, Martha put down the magazine with a sigh. “I’m sorry
about ruining dinner, Jan,” she said. “I tried. I really, really tried. I
prepared all day for it. I don’t know. I feel like this will never change.”
Jan was thinking.
How can I tell her?
“I think it will change when
you do what I did,” he said.
Martha turned over in bed, facing Jan, and asked, “What did you do,
dear?”
Jan had mixed feelings.
Should I tell her? She won’t believe me. Oh,
well.
“I was with someone who loves me, and he helped me look at my
dragon, and it went away.”
“What? Who?” Very alert now, Martha propped herself up on her
elbow.
“The Guide,” Jan said, plainly.
“Who’s the Guide?” Martha asked, suspiciously.
“He comes to me in my dreams, and talks to me in the day sometimes,” Jan said. “He always helps me, and makes me feel good — like
you do.”
Is he crazy?
Martha found herself thinking.
Did love-deprogramming
school drive him mad?
She dismissed the thought. “Oh, Jan, that’s just
your childish imagination,” Martha said.
I knew she wouldn’t believe me,
Jan thought. However, he was as
persistent as usual, “Just try this, OK? I know you will feel better if you
do this, Mama.”
“What? What do you want me to do?” Martha responded with a sigh.
“Just look at me and let me love you,” Jan said. “Then, when you are
ready, tell me, and I will take you there.”
Martha shook her head, “Take me where?”
Jan confidently said, “I’ll tell you when we are ready.”
Martha was still lying there, facing Jan. She was lost, and her son
seemed convinced that he had the answer.
What am I doing?
Martha
thought. She looked into Jan’s deep eyes. He was focusing on her with
care and tenderness.
Jan instinctively started stroking her forehead, lovingly tracing the
start of her crest, following down to the ridges above her eyes, and
trailing his fingers along her left ear.
“That tickles,” she giggled.
He smiled,
I love you so much,
he thought. He said lowly, “I love you,
Mama.”
“I love you too, sweetheart,” Martha responded, feeling her body
relax into the loving comfort of the moment.
Jan continued his slow stroking of her forehead, and said, “I’ll stay
her with you, but you need to look at your dragon now.”
Martha was not sure what he meant. “How can I look at the dragon?”
she asked suspiciously, somehow afraid that he did have an answer.
“You have to look at your own dragon. You have to remember what
happened at the school. I’ll be here with you, OK?” Jan said.
Martha blinked. “What does the school have to do with the dragon?”
she asked.
“The school raised our dragons.” He paused thoughtfully and then
said, “I think the dragons were there already, but the school made them
very strong.”
Martha became anxious. “I’m not going to do that,” she said firmly,
feeling the tension rising further. “I need to forget it all, I want to bury it.”
“But it’s still there. You can’t see it, but it is there. It makes you fight
with Daddy,” Jan said. “You have to look at it like I did. You need to
have love with you when you do. It was scary at first, but then I laughed,”
he said, hoping to sell her on the idea.
Something about what Jan was saying, crazy as it was, made some
sense to Martha.
Should I? It’s not getting any better with Griswolt.
She
lay her head back down, and closed her eyes.
Jan continued stroking her forehead, and waited.
Martha went back to feeling the comfort of the loving son she had,
trying to help her now. She felt she was ready, and found herself first
remembering the stench of the school. Then she was drawn to the face of
her torturer. She was surprised that the memory of him did not bother her
so much now.
Maybe Jan was right about this,
she found herself
wondering. She started thinking about the horrible photos of Jan. Then
she found herself remembering the sexual trauma rapists.
Her pulse quickened, and in no time she was curling up into a ball,
grunting — heart pounding. She sat up in bed with a loud “No!” She
looked at Jan, who was startled by her spontaneous reaction.
I can’t do this.
“Look at me, I’m trembling,” Martha complained to
Jan, shaking her head. “I can’t do this. You don’t know. Nobody knows
what I went through.”
Jan looked at her.
She’s done for now, I think.
He sighed. “Can I sleep
with you tonight?” he asked.
Martha broke her line of thought, and looked at him. She rubbed his
head and answered, “Sure, you stay with me tonight. I’m tired of sleeping
alone anyway.”
It was getting late, so they turned out the lights on another day, and
went to sleep.
The next morning Martha called in sick again, just so she could work
on herself. After Jan and Griswolt left for the day, she spent the morning
studying and meditating. She tried to find out more about the dragon, but
other than the day before, she could find nothing practical. There was
nothing there about the dragon that she could really understand.
I still feel as if Jan was on to something yesterday
, she thought. Jan
had said that she needed to have love with her when she looked into her
memories of the torture room. She chuckled.
I’m taking the advice of a
kid. But what else can I do?
What was there left to do with this unworkable situation?
OK, I’m going start with growing my love.
She had a couple of LERN
methods to do this. One was the “Love Shower”, in which she imagined
being in a shower of water made of love, and as she returned the love to
God, it would grow. It took about a half hour to build up steam, but it was
effective. Martha soon found herself forgetting her troubles, and
“floating” with the presence of love. It made her surroundings seem less
real.
Now’s the time,
she thought. She forced her mind to recall that awful
room — the torture room.
OK, so far so good, I guess.
Then she recalled
the face of her torturer. His ugly, fat, sore-riddled face readily came to
mind. She looked at it — at him.
The love is leaving,
she thought. Tension
was creeping in to replace the love being lost.
Martha focused on the “Love Shower” again, and it replaced the
tension. After re-tuning to a solid love channel, she continued with her
attempt.
I have got to find my dragon, if there is such a thing — I must
continue.
This time her mind took her to the aching of her limbs that she
experienced when tied to the toilet. Then she recalled her experience of
being bound in excruciating positions while being repeatedly raped.
They
did it over and over, it never stopped, the pain — I never had a chance —
stay with me,
she found herself silently talking to the love that was with
her.
Please stay with me.
She heard her own inner voice saying,
you are
here now, this memory is past — the past has no power here.
She found
she was able to retain the awareness of love’s presence while the stark
terror of the torture room seemed to fade from any discernable physical
tension. As she did this, she felt better. Lighter.
Martha started to feel good, and ready to continue. She was surprisingly confident now, and found herself able to face anything from the
torture room, without losing the presence of love.
I understand!
She
thought.
The whole ordeal, all of the horrible things that happened to me,
this is the dragon!
She went to work with confidence. She sat there and asked herself if
there was anything left in the dragon. Every time she asked, another
negative memory would appear, and she would stare it down, with love at
her side. Martha’s mind eventually took her past the torture room, and
carried her to other painful episodes in her life. She looked at those
memories too, feeling lighter and more confident with each success. After
a few hours of this, she was simply exhausted from the mental exertion,
and took a nap.
She awoke an hour later, feeling like a new person. The room looked
brighter, and she was looking forward to Jan and Griswolt coming home.
She kept repeating, “I feel wonderful!” throughout the day. “I’m going to
make the best dinner!”
Martha went into the kitchen. “This room is filthy!” she declared to
the kitchen. She went and got her cleaning supplies, and started working
on it, beginning with the floor. While cleaning the kitchen, Martha
thought about the choices for dinner. “Griswolt loves tenderloin of
splint,” she said with inspiration. She called the local grocery to have one
delivered, along with some fresh bread, yama extract spices, and some
yama wine.
This evening may turn into a romantic one,
she thought with a
smile.
Martha had it all planned out. She could not wait for Griswolt to
come home. “I miss him so much,” she thought, as if she had not seen
him in a year. “You’ve been so good, I know it has been hard for you,”
she said aloud to her image of Griswolt.
When Jan came home later in the day, Martha greeted him with an
enthusiasm that set him back a moment. Then he realized that it was real,
and his mama was truly home now. The tenderloin was roasting in the
oven, and had a tantalizing smell. Jan was in the living room doing his
homework when his dad came home.
Griswolt descended the stairs and came into the kitchen pretty much
like any other day. Martha was in the bathroom when he arrived. He
noticed the smell of the cleaning detergent Martha had used on the floor
and cabinets, and realized that the kitchen was sparkling. Then he took a
peek in the oven, and saw the tenderloin, looking and smelling fantastic.
“Harrumph,” he grunted. “Another meal to ruin with your company
today,” he said to an absent Martha.
He then went into the living room to see Jan. “Hello, son,” he said.
“How was your day?”
Jan looked up from the homework he was doing on the floor. “It was
really good!” he replied. “I can’t wait till dinner. Mama’s in a good mood
today!” He was hoping with all his heart that they would not fight today.
Martha came out of the bathroom and checked on the roast. Then she
went into the living room where the other two were, Griswolt now sitting
on the sofa. “Hi Griswolt,” she said with a smile that took him by
surprise. “I made a nice dinner for us tonight.”
“So I see,” said Griswolt, warily.
Martha went right up to Griswolt and shocked him by bending over
and giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “I am so sorry for the way I
have been, dear,” she said to an astonished Griswolt.