Easier to Run (18 page)

“Whenever you’ve worked out your problem,” he said dryly.

I groaned and sat back, dropping my hands at my sides. “That may not be for nine months…. Or eighteen years….” I covered my face with my hands.

“Longer than that,” Mom said.

I groaned and closed my eyes. “I tried talking to her. She doesn’t want to
talk
. She just wants—well, she wants to do what got us into this mess, and that’s not going to work out the problem.”

“Certainly not,” Dad said.

“Well,” I said, “I’m not really sure what to do. The ball is kind of in her court and I’m practically helpless.”

There was one person I could help though. “You think it’d be difficult to get Cassie added to our phone plan?” I still shared a plan with them simply because it was cheaper to split the cost than pay separately for each account.

“I’m sure it’s possible. Does she not have a phone?” Dad asked.

“She does, but—”

“Her grandparents?” Mom asked before I could say anything. She’d spoken with them before too, but she’d never mentioned them again.

I tapped my fingers against the coffee cup, trying to figure out how to delicately describe the situation. “Things aren’t exactly great with them—they threatened to call the police on her for leaving. But, some people got a hold of her number and they’ve been sending her harassing text messages.” That was the least offensive term I could think of.

Dad grumbled and finally took a seat to join us at the table. “Take her over tomorrow. I’ll meet you around lunch.”

“What’s she planning on doing about her grandparents?” Mom asked.

“What can they do?” I shrugged. “She’s twenty-one. They blamed
her
for everything. They told her that hanging out with me was the reason Mitchel abused her.” I had almost gotten my temper under control until I had to say that out loud. “How could anyone have seen what she went through and say that to her?”

Just thinking about it set my blood on fire. “She was a kid. She didn’t deserve having people make her feel guilty over it.”

“No,” Mom agreed. “Is she handling it all okay?”

“She’s doing better today. But she has flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares….”

Mom sighed and dropped her head to the side, reaching across the table to pat my arm. “Has she gotten any help?”

I nodded. “She’s been in counseling and has a couple of prescriptions, but I think she needs more. I mean, she needs a safety net—people who support her. I don’t think she’s had that in a while.”

Dad squeezed my shoulder. “Now she does. Make sure she knows that—and that she can call us anytime.”

I nodded because I didn’t have anything to say.

“When do you want to go back to work?” Dad asked.

I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose. “I don’t know. I feel like I should try again with Liz, but I’m also afraid it’ll go even worse than last time. We can’t talk. We just yell and she doesn’t give me any answers, just an endless run-around.”

Mom picked up her coffee cup, and grimaced when she saw that it was empty. I think over the decades my family had developed the genetic ability to function solely on coffee. “She was really upset the other day,” she said. “I think she’s pretty intent on getting you back.”

“I can’t.” It was draining just to think about it. “I keep telling myself I should try, but what the hell am I supposed to do when we can’t even stand to be in the same room?”

“That’s not how I hear babies are made,” Dad said.

“Thanks, Dad. I’d been wondering about that.”

He smacked me in the back of the head, but I’d seen that coming.

“I screwed up,” I said. “And I don’t know what I can do to fix it.”

Mom leaned back and crossed her arms. “What would you do if Cassie wasn’t around?”

She may as well have kicked me in the balls. I winced, then took a deep breath and stared down at the table. “I’d probably roll over and give Liz whatever she wanted. I wouldn’t care because I wouldn’t have anything to lose.”

“So it comes down to Cassie or the baby?” she asked.

Damn it
. “A baby that I don’t even know for sure is mine. She’s been with another guy since we broke up two months ago.”

Mom raised her eyebrows, but her deadly glare didn’t change.

“I know, Mom.” The only thing worse than the doubts and endless arguments in my mind was the look on her face. “I wish I could make everything right, but I can’t just jump back with her and be her puppet. And I can’t let Cassie down again.
I won’t
. I’m going to do what I can, but Liz thinks another roll in the sack will fix everything and as long as we keep doing that it’s all fine and dandy. But the kid also doesn’t deserve parents who can’t stand to have a normal conversation with each other. I can’t fix that if I’m the only one trying.”

After all of that had rushed out, I wasn’t sure if I really liked the open relationship I had always had with my parents. Everything I just said suddenly felt awkward, and with the silence that followed, I wondered if this time I’d been a little too blunt.

“I understand,” Mom finally said. “I just don’t want you pushing one out of your life because of the other.”

“Yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “Problem is, I don’t know how well both of them will coexist. But, I’ll figure it out.” I added quickly before I got another death glare.

“Where is Cassie?” Dad asked.

I rolled the coffee cup between my hands and stared down at the dark liquid in the bottom. “I think she wanted some time to herself. She had a few things to pick up”

Mom grabbed her cup and stood up. “Well, I’ll get out the waffle iron so you can at least keep someone happy.”

“I’ll put you back on the rotation later this week,” Dad said after she left to dig through the cupboards in the pantry.

“Great,” I said.

“Will Cassie be going with you?”

I shrugged. “That’s up to her, I guess. I told her she could tag along for a while. I’m not sure if I want to leave her alone right now.”

“Well, tell her to call us if she needs anything, and I’ll meet you tomorrow to get her on our phone account. Have you talked to her about that, by the way?”

“Uh,” I shook my head slowly. “She just told me about the texts this morning. We agreed on dealing with it tomorrow but didn’t make a specific plan.”

Dad made a sound in his throat, but he smiled so I figured I wasn’t in line to get disowned just yet.

I packed up the waffle iron and headed to the grocery store to pick up enough to last for the next couple of days—and to be prepared for plenty of waffles. Once I got back to the apartment building, I called Brantley and had him meet me in the parking lot so I wouldn’t have to make multiple trips up to the fifth floor to carry everything up.

My phone buzzed when I opened the passenger side door of my pickup and grabbed the first bag. I figured it was Brantley refusing to help, but Cassie’s name popped up and I answered, pinning the phone against my shoulder. “Hey, you didn’t get lost did you?”

“No,” she held the word out. “What are you d-doing?”

“Unloading groceries.”

Brantley appeared next to me, and I handed off the first couple of bags to him.

“I was hoping you’d m-meet me somewhere,” Cassie said.

“Now?”

“Not immediately. When you get done,
goober
.”

“Sure.” I waited for a minute as I hooked the remaining bags over my arm and tucked the waffle iron against my side to slam the door. But the phone went silent. “Cas?”

“Um, yeah. I… I want to visit the cemetery. Can you meet me there?”

Fuck
, she really was jumping in with both feet. “I can be there in about twenty minutes.”

“Thanks,” she said quietly, and the call disconnected.

I turned toward the building, but Brantley stood to the side staring at me. “Never seen you so eager to bend over backward for someone.”

I shook my head and brushed him off. “Come on.”

We stepped into the elevator, and I pressed the key for the fifth floor.

“How does she go from your much younger friend—”

“Stop,” I warned him.

“To sleeping together after a week on the road together.”

It wasn’t exactly a week, but correcting him on that would be counterproductive. So I clenched my jaw and didn’t say anything. Why did this have to be the day everyone wanted to interrogate me?

“And Liz?” he asked.

So, it continues.
“I thought you
liked
that I dumped her.”

“She’s a bitch,” he shrugged. “But, she’s also my step-sister, so….”

“So? You’ve never defended her before. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “This whole thing just seems off. She hasn’t talked to me in weeks. Not since Paige said she came in all beat up one morning. I asked her about it when I got back, but she just shut down and started talking about you.”

The elevator dinged and Brantley stepped off first.

“So exactly what do you expect me to do? She attempted to beat the shit out of
me
yesterday.”

“You did have another girl staying in your room,” he said, glaring at me over his shoulder.

“Liz and I broke up. She doesn’t get to dictate who is in my room. And, she didn’t even know about Cassie when she started swinging.”

“I told you not to fuck her in the first place. I warned you she’d be clingy. I said—”

“I know, Brantley. Fuck.” If one more person mentioned Liz in the next twenty minutes I thought my head would explode.

“Easy is not always better.”

“Dude, you know there’s something wrong when you describe your sister as easy.”

“
Step
-brother, I am. Oblivious, I ain’t.” He stepped aside and waited for me to open the door. “You, however, I’m not so sure about. Sometimes, I think you look for trouble.”

“I don’t look for trouble—” I grumbled, unlocking the door and kicking it open with my foot.

“Fine, you look for a way to go numb and shut out the world.”

I dropped the bags and waffle iron on the kitchen counter. “As if you never do the same thing.”

Brantley rubbed his hand over his beard. “No denying that. Got a stash of weed to prove it, but I ain’t the one in this crazy-ass situation.”

I quickly threw the groceries where they needed to go. “
If
she’s really pregnant, and
if
it’s really mine,” I reminded him.

“I’ll give you that.”

“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “That’s generous of you.”

“Even if not, she’s not exactly going to just walk away from you now. You two have been on and off for how long now? Then Cassie comes in, and you act like everything is going to be different.”

“I gotta go.” I grabbed my keys off the counter, ready to walk out whether he was done with the conversation or not.

“Is it really different or a new way out?” he asked, blocking my path.

“It’s different.” There was absolutely nothing I had to consider about that question.
It’s always different with Cassie
.

Brantley huffed and stepped aside. “Then, I have your back.”

I never really doubted that, I was just tired of it all and it had only been a few days. “Thanks, man.”

Cassie

I sat along the back edge of the cemetery, dreading the moment when I’d have to step out of my car. The green sign marking section G towered over me like an ominous dead end sign, planted against the deceptive beauty of the nearby forest. Hundreds of tombstones surrounded me, marking the rise and fall of generations of people. The fate no one could escape. Lives marked only by chiseled letters and numbers in hard stone. Flowers and vases stood as remembrances of lives once held dear.

I hadn’t been back to the cemetery since Rachel’s funeral.

God, I was older than my sister had been when she died. How does that happen? Why?

This was a stupid idea
.

I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to escape in my mind.

I wasn’t ready to face my family again.

Something tapped at my window and I startled, knocking my knee against the underside of the dash.

Outside the window, Ben waved, then pointed to the engaged lock. I reached for the handle, but my hand shook as I grabbed it and slowly pulled.

Ben opened the door and held out his right hand to me to help me out of the car.

“Ready?” he asked.

I shook my head.
Not in the least
.

He gently brushed his thumb under each of my eyes. I hadn’t even realized I had started crying. Again. It wasn’t so much a surprise anymore.

Ben squeezed my hand, then intertwined his fingers with mine. “How was your morning?”

He pulled me back to the present and anchored me there. “Kaylee said hi. I went to the store and even the c-cashier knew me.”

He closed my door and stood in front of me, blocking my view of where we were headed. “Does it bother you that people remember you?”

“Only when they want to chat.”

“Really?” He could see through me even when I didn’t realize I was lying.

I leaned against the car and tucked my hair back with my free hand, but the wind continued whipping it around in my face. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m afraid of what people remember.”

“You want to know what I remember?”

I didn’t answer. I knew what he remembered.

“I remember seeing you in your backyard and wondering what in the world I needed to do to get you to talk to me.”

I smiled and blinked back fresh tears—I couldn’t look at him.

“I remember losing the state championship and still having my biggest fan excited to see me after the game. I remember the look on your face when we were floating in the water with a manatee no more than a foot away.”

He pulled me against him, and I wrapped my arms around him, pressing my ear above his heart.

“I remember feeling like there was something missing ever since the day you left.”

Despite the flood of emotions that I felt, all of the tension drained from my body, and I relaxed against him. “Me too. I knew I was in for it the first time you talked to me. I didn’t know how or why, I just knew nothing would be the same.”

“What other people remember doesn’t matter, Cas.” He took a step back so I had to face him. “You went through hell and fought your way back.”

“I’m still fighting,” I whispered. “And it’s exhausting.”

He pressed his hands to my cheeks. “But you’re an amazing girl, and you keep going.”

My throat tightened, and I could barely swallow. I felt like he gave me too much credit, but hearing it come from him—a man who’d never lied to me—I didn’t know what to do with it. “Guess we should try this,” I said, peeking past his shoulder to the field beyond.

Hand in hand, Ben led the way through the maze of tombstones to the back row. A large double stone marked my parents, and next to them a smaller marker stood for my sister.

My stomach tightened, and I nearly fell to my knees. Ben wrapped his arm around my middle, holding me on my feet. It wasn’t fair. My eyes hopped from each engraved name and date, pausing on the death dates. I’d lost my sister within six months of saying goodbye to my parents. Suddenly, everything had been gone. The people I’d known since the day I was born. The people who’d taught me to walk, talk, read, love.

I just wanted one more hug. One more word. One more moment. I wanted to see them one more time. One more smile. One more laugh. I wanted someone I could ask for advice. Someone to gossip with about boys, or to tell me my shoes didn’t match my socks.

Ben stepped behind me, holding me tighter with both arms as he pulled my back against his chest.

“I really hope they haven’t been watching me,” I said, my voice a mix of a laugh and a sob.

“I think they’d see the same young woman I do,” Ben whispered and kissed my neck.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against his shoulder, letting his strength fill me. The pain still ate at me, pumping hot poison through my veins, but for once, it felt manageable. I knew it wouldn’t ever end—and truthfully, part of me didn’t want it to end. I felt like it was my responsibility to hurt for the family I had lost. The family I missed every minute of my life.

But then, a smile came to my face. I didn’t know where it came from and for an instant, I felt guilty. But as the pain that once paralyzed me faded to a dull roar just beneath my skin, I realized that it wasn’t my responsibility to
hurt
for them. It was my responsibility to
live
for them.

I twisted my neck to look up at Ben. His smile was hesitant as his eyes searched my face.

“I’m not afraid to turn the page anymore.”

He chuckled and squeezed me, planting a kiss on my cheek.

I figured I may as well face whatever else was coming head on rather than rolling up in a corner and waiting for it to pass. I filled my lungs with the hot summer air. It carried the sweet smell of flowers from a nearby bush and reminded me of the flowers that used to bloom outside our back door.

I silently told my family how much I loved and missed them. Then, I turned to face my best friend—the man who’d become so much more than my best friend—wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him down to meet me eye to eye. I felt like I should say something, but no words came. Instead, I pressed my lips to his, and with that touch, I poured all of my thoughts and feelings into him.

Thank you.

I love you.

I’m ready to move forward.

Finally.

He took my face between his hands, deepening the kiss and repeating the same things back to me.

My body felt lighter than it had in years. Released from the doubts and fears that had tied me back like blocks of concrete. Maybe I didn’t know what the future would bring, but I finally felt strong enough to face it.

We strolled back to our cars, watching the birds flutter through the trees and squirrels scamper across roots and through bushes. I didn’t need my camera to see it anymore. I didn’t feel the need to stop the world just to turn it into something I could tolerate.

“Kaylee mentioned a place I might be able to get a job,” I said. “Little Jewels Studio. I thought I might swing by tomorrow.”

“Speaking of tomorrow…,” Ben said, swinging me around to face him.

For a moment, I was afraid he was going to tell me that that he had a run. That my safe and secure little world was getting its first minor earthquake.

“I talked to Mom and Dad since we share a phone plan, and Dad said he’d meet us tomorrow and add you—if you want. New number, new start.”

“I don’t want to bum—”

“We split the bill,” he cut off my argument before it even stood a chance. “So, you’d pay a quart of it.”

“Fine,” I agreed. “I guess I can live with that.”

At least he was finally letting me pay for something.

When we reached the cars, he pinned my back against the driver’s door.

“We’re in a cemetery,” I said wriggling against his hands as they pushed my hips backward.

“No one is around, and all I want is a kiss.” But the curl of his lips, and the sparkle in his eyes said that wasn’t
all
he wanted.

Every point where our bodies touched ignited with heat. I wanted more than the brush of our lips together—yet it scared me as much as it thrilled me. Despite the fear, I never wanted the sensation to end.

Our lips touched for a fraction of a second.

“I’ll see you at home,” he said, then pressed another quick kiss to my lips.

Home
.

Home meant staying put. Having roots. Having ties.

Family. Friends.

Permanence.

I was torn between desire and fear, but I took a deep breath and slid into my car.
I’m not letting fear win this time
.

Ben

When we got home, I put a few strips of chicken breast and fries in the oven, along with a pot of green beans on the stove. Cassie took a seat at the island breakfast bar, and Brantley joined us when the food was done.

Cassie was quiet with him in the room, mostly sitting back and snickering at our banter as we stood around and fought over the remaining chicken and fries.

“So, what are your plans, Cassie?” Brantley asked her.

She froze mid-drink and glared at me, but I wasn’t intervening.
Let her stand on her own
, I reminded myself.

“I g-guess I start living,” she said. Her shoulders were tense and pulled up toward her ears. “Still trying to f-figure it out.”

“Most of us are,” Brantley said. “Although few are brave enough to room with a couple of truckers while doing so.”

Cassie snorted, and dropped her shoulders. “Glutton for p-punishment, I guess.”

I was amazed at how much easier she was talking compared to less than a week ago when she’d showed up at the dispatch office. She really was stronger than she realized.

A pounding shook the door, and I dropped my plate on the counter. “What now?”

Brantley wiped his hands on a paper towel. “I’ll get it. I look tougher.”

Cassie jumped out of her tall barstool, came around the island, and stood next to me.

“Lee,” Liz said, pushing right by her step-brother.

“Come in. Sit down. Make yourself at home,” Brantley said, not bothering at all to cover up his sarcasm or annoyance. They may have been joined when their parents got married, but most of the time I didn’t think they could stand to be in the same room together. I wondered how they’d managed to live together as teenagers.

“What can I do for you, Liz?” I asked, attempting to be as polite as I could.

“Came across something I thought you’d be interested in.”

“What?” I asked. Even though I doubted I’d ever be interested—and frankly, I didn’t want to even know.

Liz smirked. “Just thought you should ask your new girlfriend who she’s been screwing online.”

Next to me, Cassie muttered something, covering her mouth and backing against the cabinets. Brantley’s eyes widened and fixed on me. And Liz’s smirk didn’t fade in the least.

“Get out,” I said.

Liz shook her head. “Maybe your parents will be interested, then.”

Cassie slid down to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees.

“Liz,” my voice growled almost painfully in my throat, “you do this and there will
never
be anything remotely hospitable between the two of us.”

She snorted. “You’d take any reason you could to not be around for the baby.”

“Fuck you,” I yelled, rounding the island. Brantley grabbed my arm, keeping me away from Liz. “I’ll sue for custody. How about that? You can go on with your life like nothing ever happened, and that should suit you just fine because you don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself.”

“All right, man.” Brantley pulled me back.

I ignored him. “You do anything to hurt Cassie and we will never have a reason to even speak again.”

Liz crossed her arms, cocking her head and staring past me. “Should have kept her from slumming with hookers.”

Rage boiled under my skin. My hands tightened into fists at my sides, but if I lost my temper, she won. If I let the rage win, I wouldn’t be hurting anyone except Cassie and myself.