Echoes of Dark and Light (27 page)

Toby plowed past me, the lifeless form of his brother slumped over his shoulder. Not knowing what else to do, I followed a dozen paces behind. I understood Toby’s anger, accepted it, even welcomed it in a strange way. But that didn’t stop the fist of pain crushing my heart or the tears running unchecked down my filthy cheeks.

We slowly made our way back to camp, Toby’s shadowy form carefully picking out a path through the thick forest, me trying to follow silently and invisibly. I heard his breath, ragged and winded under the strain of carrying a burden equal to his own body weight plus some. But he never complained. In fact, he never said a word, as if he struggled through the deserted battleground alone. I didn’t know which hurt worse, my dislocated shoulder or his new hatred of me.

Luckily we avoided stumbling across any other stray Rebels. The bustle of camp and lights from glowing lanterns and beckoning campfires lured us the last quarter mile. Most of the troops had bedded down right in the battlegrounds, leaving the hospital tent as the main bustle of human activity. Orderlies hurried past bearing loaded stretchers of wounded and dying soldiers. Doctors shouted orders and hollered for more supplies over the moaning and screaming of their patients. A jumbled pile of severed limbs grew minute by minute outside one of the tent flaps. Toby stepped around it and ducked inside the tent. I hesitated, and then followed.

Despite the open tent flaps, the air inside felt too stifling and polluted with the smell of unwashed bodies, blood, infection and death. I fought to keep my empty stomach from heaving, and focused instead on staying near Toby. He wove through the confusion and chaos until he found an empty bed, where he carefully, gently lay down Randy’s body.

“Hey! What’s a Reb doing here? Get him out of the way!”

Toby grabbed the orderly’s collar, dragging him in close to avoid any misunderstandings. “He’s my brother, and he stays. Understand?”

The orderly’s eyes grew wide at Toby’s fierceness, paling a bit around his dropped mouth. But he managed to get out a shaky nod.

“Good,” Toby said, releasing the collar. “I’m going to arrange transportation to ship his body home. You make sure no one touches him.”

He turned and walked away without a word or even a glance in my direction. I followed him with my eyes, too dejected to trail after him farther.
Why hadn’t he asked me to watch over Randy?

“Hey, I’m talking to you!” The orderly rudely poked me in the ribs.

“Huh?”

“I said, do you need medical attention?”

Yes, I do.
I needed someone to pop my shoulder back into place. But a doctor would probably insist on me removing my shirt to get a better look at the damage. Obviously, that couldn’t be an option. “I need to see Nurse Davis.”

“Well, sorry Private, but that’s just not possible right now. Can’t you see we’re in the middle of a major mess? Nurse Davis is busy assisting her father. Besides, you’re not the only soldier boy drooling over Nurse Davis; she can’t just go around and divvy out special attentions to every lonely man.”

I’d just about reached my limit for one horrid day. I took Toby’s approach and grabbed him by the collar. “Just go get her!”

I found a crate out of the way and took a seat, my eyes pinned on Randy’s lifeless body. For some reason, I didn’t feel the same horror at having killed this man, as I did with my first. I desperately hoped it wasn’t because I was getting used to it.

God, in all of this confusion, please don’t let me ever become casual over death, especially one that I caused.

“Hey, you! Leave him be,” I hollered at a soldier who’d begun to move Randy. “Arrangements are being made; he’s kin.”

The soldier nodded and moved on, not too surprised at my defense. Having relatives on the other side happed more often than one might think. Once in a while, soldiers came face to face with cousins, brothers, uncles and even best friends. I wondered about the outcome of those other impossible dilemmas. Did they turn and walk away, or shoot each other? I guessed it depended on the situation. I suspected Randy had been fighting for too long. The crazy glint in his eye, the way he failed to recognize Toby, the way his hands shook when aiming the rifle. Hate had eaten away at Randy’s insides, leaving him not quite whole. Maybe in another place, another time, Randy would have walked away, but not today. If I hadn’t stopped him, he would have killed Toby. Maybe that’s why I felt so few regrets. It came down to Toby or Randy, and Toby had to live because—

“Bobbi!”

Cora ran down the crowded aisle and threw her arms around me in an excruciating bear hug. I shrieked in pain and she immediately pulled away, reverting naturally back into her nursing role.

“Where are you hurt?”

Embarrassed from my screech of pain, I tried a reassuring smile, but it came out more of a grimace. “Popped my shoulder out of joint again. Think you can fix it?”

Her worried brows relaxed a fraction. “That’s not too bad then—”

“Not too bad? Sure hurts like h—”

“—and it’s completely fixable, unlike that poor bloke over there,” she said ignoring my interruption.

I glanced at Randy, and my heart dropped again.

“What? Did you know him?”

I shook my head. “No, but Toby did. His brother. And I killed him.”

“Oh, my.”

I told her what happened as she gently examined my shoulder. Then, without warning, she swiftly popped it back into place. I just barely kept from howling in surprise and pain. But once back in place, it felt a tad better.

“There,” Cora said, offering a tired smile, “now that can begin to heal. But it sounds like fixing your relationship with Toby may take some work.”

I shook my head. “You didn’t see the look in his eye when I pulled the trigger. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.”

“Oh, he’ll forgive you, and one day he’ll even thank you for saving his life. But it will take time. It took quite a bit of courage to stand up for his beliefs against his entire family. And now he’s feeling not only sadness at his brother’s death, but also guilt for choosing a separate path. However, Toby has a good heart and he’ll come around. He knows who’s important in his life.”

“What do you mean?”

“Listen, if you think you’ll be okay, I need to get back to work. You can drink some willow bark tea for the pain, and try to get some rest.”

I shook my head. “No, I need to return to my infantry; they need me—”

“They don’t need you getting killed. Now these are direct orders from a medical nurse: you are to rest for a few days, at least! Preferably a few weeks, but I know the futility of that order. If you can’t sit still in your tent, you may stay here and help out with some light duties, like handing me bandages and such.”

I tried to protest further, but she held up a warning finger to silence me. “Don’t push it, private! I have the authority to ground you and I will do it!”

I sincerely believed her. So I would humor her and rest for a day or two. But then I would return to my place with Toby, whether he acknowledged my existence or not.

I complied with Cora’s orders for a short while, not that I had a whole lot of choice in the matter. My bruised and battered body slept for almost nineteen hours straight. When I finally awoke in the wee hours of May 8
^th
, I somehow managed to wrap my sore arm in a sling and wove my way through the congestion back to the hospital tent. I arrived just as a new wave of wounded flooded the clearing. I scanned the shadowy faces until I spotted Cora, and I hurried to join her. Cora’s pretty face looked pale and drawn; half circles darkened the skin beneath her tired eyes. I wondered if she’d gotten any rest. Guilt burned at the back of my mind for my dip into oblivion, but nothing could be done for it now, except to help Cora in any way she needed.

She greeted me with a tired but genuine smile, handed me a box of bandages and motioned for me to follow her. For hours, I helped clean wounds, bandage holes left from musket balls, offered sips of water, and held trembling hands. After the last patient had been patched up, I convinced Cora to lie down for a few minutes.

“Really Cora, if you don’t get some rest, you’ll collapse. Then what good would you be to your patients? They need you alert and rested to take the best care of them.” I knew that last part wavered on the dirty side of tricks, but it rang true enough. And if it worked and convinced Cora to rest, then all the better.

Cora sighed, barely able to hold her eyes opened. “Okay, I’ll lie down, but only for a minute. You’ll wake me the second someone needs me?”

I nodded, knowing her definition and mine differed on the word ‘need’, and that I’d stick to my definition, at least for a few hours. After I made sure she had laid down, tucking her in with a light wool blanket, I returned to the hospital tent to do anything I could to make the soldiers more comfortable. I needed to do something. Already guilt chewed at my gut for hanging out at the hospital, fed, rested and safe, while the 27
^th
faced the dangers and deaths of the front line. I’d give myself another few hours to rest my shoulder, then I would leave. The guys needed me.

Carrying a jug of water, I made my way around the tent. And, as long as a soldier seemed relatively coherent, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask him about my brother in the process.

“Hey, soldier, thirsty?” I held up the water jug in case his hearing had been damaged.

The weary fellow nodded, and I held a tin cup while he gulped down the liquid. As he nodded his thanks, I asked him if he’d seen Robert. He shook his head, and I swallowed a lump of disappointment, moving on to the next bed. I repeated this procedure over and over with the same results.

I could hear the fellow in the corner mumbling and moaning before I even got to him. His face flushed with fever, and a faraway glint glazed his open eyes. With my good hand, I poured a cup of water, and then set the pitcher down on the table near his cot. Taking the cup, I carefully approached the writhing patient.

“Hello, soldier. Care to wet your whistle?”

The fellow turned to me, a slight smile parting his parched lips. “Ahh, such a lovely sight. I never thought I’d see my pretty Sarah ever again.”

A seed of unease planted in my belly. I dropped my voice, making it sound lower. “Sorry mister, I think you’ve got me confused with someone else.”

“My beautiful Sarah, I’ve missed you so. I knew you would come to nurse me back to health. Could you do somethin’ for my leg? It hurts somethin’ fierce.”

I glanced down and saw his leg amputated mid thigh. The bandage needed changing and a smell of rot emanated from the stump. I turned to go fetch a doctor.

“Please, Sarah,” he mumbled, clutching at my hand. “Don’t go. I’ve missed ya so. Especially how your soft hair sparkles in the sunshine.”

Nervously, I glanced around to see if anyone had overheard him. I’d been pulling off my deception so far, but if a seed of doubt got planted in someone’s head, my days of soldering could be numbered. And I couldn’t afford to get kicked out now. Toby needed me; Robert needed me. It appeared this soldier needed someone as well, but it just couldn’t be me. I gently pulled out of the soldier’s grasp to his somewhat loud objections, and quickly left his bedside.

I found a doctor nearby and pointed out the rambling soldier. Then I quickly went in the other direction, making a metal note to trim my hair.

I found another pitcher of water and continued my rounds.

“Hey, bring me some of that there water! What’s a man gotta do to get a drink around here? Don’t supposed you got anything stronger, like whiskey?”

I raised an eyebrow at the impatient patient and shook my head. “Just water. Want some or not?”

“Yeah, sure. So, what lucky calamity befell you to get ya off the front lines?”

“Shoulder dislocation. But I’m heading back soon.”

“You’re a fool. Milk that shoulder for all it’s worth. Heck, if it’s your trigger finger maybe you could even get moved to the back lines. That’s what I’d do.”

“Can’t. I need to be with my infantry.”

“Don’t no one need to be here, ‘cept maybe those government officials in Washington. It’s their war, maybe they should come down here and shoot a couple of rifles instead of sitting on their cushioned rear ends handing out orders.”

“This is our country’s war. It concerns everyone, whether you like it or not.” I fumbled with the pitcher, almost dumping the contents in his lap.

“Watch it, kid! This war has already given me an extra hole in my body that I didn’t come into this world with; I don’t need a wet lap and a case of pneumonia to go along with it. And as far as this country is concerned, they can keep their dang war. Soon as I’m able to walk, I’m hightailing it up to Canada and good riddance!”

“You’ve been discharged then?” I handed him his cup of water, pushing aside the temptation to ‘accidentally’ let it slip into his lap.

“Hell no! Doc says the hole in my calf will heal up in a few weeks, and in the meantime I’m stuck peeling potatoes with the General’s cook. Then it’s back to the front line, or so they think. But I’m sure I can trust you with my little secret, right?” He elbowed me with a wink.