Edge of Chaos (Love on the Edge #1) (12 page)

I took a seat on the edge of his couch, noticing the sunken-in form underneath Justin had molded even more to his body than before. My stomach simmered—this is where he’d rather be than out with me.

He clicked off the Xbox and laid his controller gently on the entertainment stand. He turned to me. “Glad you came over,” he said and stood, taking my hands and pulling me to him.

The simmering stopped. Maybe I wasn’t seeing things differently. Perhaps he didn’t even realize how bad the place was. Work had to be exhausting him. I’d help him get the place back to livable again. Maybe tomorrow.

I wrapped my arms around his middle.

Before I could speak, he swooped an arm underneath my legs and held me against his chest. He rushed us to his bedroom, crunching beer cans as he went.

“Whoa, where is the fire?” I asked when he tossed me on his twin-size mattress. It laid on the floor, which I was thankful I couldn’t see because he’d neglected to turn on the light. I heard the clanking of his belt and then his pants unzipping.

“Right here,” he whispered and tugged at my jeans.

“I thought we were going to watch a movie?” I said as he frantically kissed my neck.

“We will after.”

After the argument with him and then Dash, all I wanted to do was spend some time having a real conversation with Justin. I didn’t want another fight, though. He was right, we’d have good quality time after. And he’d definitely be in a better mood.

My jeans scraped against something cardboard as he tossed them on the floor and my underwear followed two seconds later. He didn’t bother with my shirt. He kissed me hard, his tongue meeting mine with a jarring thrust before he turned me and gripped my hips from behind.

I held my breath as he entered me, trying to think about something that would get me in the same mood as him.

“What is it?” he asked when I hadn’t moved to meet his thrusts.

“Hurts a little,” I whispered.

Justin pushed himself inside again. “You’ll warm up in a minute.”

After a few minutes I slowed him down by moving forward and said, “Justin, kiss me.”

“What?” He grunted, trying to maintain his speed.

“Kiss me,” I said again, this time glancing over my shoulder. My eyes had somewhat adjusted to the darkness, and Justin’s face was easier to see. I wanted him to look at me, to see the plea in my eyes to make this more enjoyable for both of us. I wanted him to kiss me, thinking perhaps a little more time would change things.

He didn’t look at me, though. He just arched his head back.

“Nope. I’m almost there,” he said, clutching me harder and picking up the pace.

I turned back around, a combination of sadness and disappointment curling around my chest and squeezing.

He gave one final thrust and groaned, his body slackening behind mine, then he jumped off the bed and dressed in a hurry. “I’m gonna get a drink,” he said and bolted out the door before I could ask for something myself.

I winced getting off the bed. Justin had gone faster than normal tonight.

I took my clothes into his tiny bathroom and attempted to clean up. I slipped on my underwear carefully, desperately craving a warm bath. I glanced at his tub and shuddered. A dirt ring wrapped around it and orange stains clung to every corner. I’d rather take the pain than climb into
that
. We needed to have a serious talk about the state of this place if he ever wanted me to come back over.

After gathering myself, I made it back to the living room, totally prepared to take a spot next to him on the couch and try to start a conversation, one that would help us find each other again, and one, I hoped, that would bring balance back to my life. I froze two steps in.

Justin’s best friends Mark and Andy sat on either side of him on the couch, a beer in each of their hands. His flat screen had the COD menu up.

“Hey, Blake,” Mark said, and Andy gave me a nod.

“Hey?” I said, but it sounded like a question. The earlier simmering heated to a roaring boil now. This was why Justin had hurried. He’d probably told the guys to meet him at a certain time. “Justin, can I talk to you for a minute?”

He glanced up at me and handed his controller to Andy. I turned and stopped in front of his closed bedroom door with him following behind me.

“What is it?” he asked.

I put my hand on my hip. “Are you kidding me?”

“What?” he snapped.

I flung my hand in the direction of the living room. “I thought it was going to be just us tonight.”

“It was just us. Now I want to hang with my boys and play COD. What’s the big deal? You can watch.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I would not cry. Not here. Not with his friends only feet away. “I really needed this tonight.”

He scrunched his face up. “Needed what?”

“To be with you.”

“You just were with me.”

“Not like that!” I scoffed. “I needed to just . . .”

“What, Blake? You always need me to do something. To talk or to go somewhere or to meet people who won’t matter after school is done. Why can’t you ever be happy with just me?”

“I am! But it’s not just you tonight, is it? Don’t you play games with these guys all the time? Couldn’t you give me one night?”

Justin crossed his arms over his chest. “I am. I have! God, you act like playing video games is worshiping the devil.”

“I do not.”

“Yeah, you do. I don’t know why you can’t get that this is my downtime. It’s like you and your books.”

“I don’t ever blow you off to read a book, Justin.”

“Whatever.”

I sighed and took a step toward him, opting to take a different approach. I pried his hands away from his chest and took them in mine.

“Please. Can you tell the guys to go?” I couldn’t walk out of this door, discarded once again for a game. Maybe telling him outright would make the outcome different.

Justin arched his head back, staring at the ceiling.

Good. He at least considered it.

He yanked his hands out of mine and slammed his foot into the bedroom door. The force of the kick knocked the door back so hard it hung crooked on one hinge, and I flinched as the air whooshed past my face from the momentum.

“No. I shouldn’t have to choose!” he yelled.

I jumped and took a few steps away from him, eyeing the broken door. I crossed my arms to hide the fact that my muscles trembled.

“I shouldn’t have to turn my boys away,” he said, more of a hiss than a yell. “If you want to spend time with me, then this is what we’re doing.” He turned and stomped back to the living room.

I stood there for a moment as my heart plummeted into my stomach. How many times would I let him do this to me?

HAIL SAT BESIDE
my bathtub with her big head leaning over the edge as I soaked and cried my eyes out. No amount of scrubbing my face could stop the tears. I didn’t
want
to cry over this. This wasn’t new behavior from Justin. I knew how he operated, knew how this relationship worked. What was wrong with me?

I submerged myself completely under the warm water and stayed there as long as I could. Dash’s face popped behind my eyelids. I came up slowly, inhaling the steaming air. It was
his
fault. If he hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t think I deserved any more than Justin gave me. He didn’t understand the loyalty that came with years of being together, of growing up together. But his words rang in my head and made me expect more from Justin.

And damn him if he wasn’t right. At least in tonight’s situation. I’d let Justin off the hook, and what had it got me? A blowup and blown off, once again.

I dried off and slipped into my softest T-shirt and sweats combo, pulling my wet hair back in a ponytail. I sank onto the couch, welcoming Hail and her fifty-pound butt into my lap. She licked my chin and pouted at me. She could always tell when Justin and I had fought. I scratched behind her ears and leaned my head back, contemplating hunting for the remote and staring at the TV all night until my brain stopped working.

A knock on my door startled me. Hail slid off the couch and waddled to the door, her butt wiggling. I peered through the peephole, my heart pounding.

Dash stood on the other side. I quickly touched my face, wishing I’d tried to hide the redness surrounding my puffy eyes, but I hadn’t expected anyone to show up outside my door.

Damn. Oh well.

Dash’s green eyes went wide when he got a look at my face. He stepped past me without an invite in. Hail jumped and wiggled at his feet. “What happened?”

I sighed. “What are you doing here, Dash?”

He knelt to pet Hail. “I drove by on the off-chance you’d be home already and saw your car. I felt bad about earlier and wanted to talk.”

My heart lifted. We’d only argued a few hours ago and he already wanted to talk it out? Normally I had to wait a whole twenty-four hours, sometimes more, for that.

“It’s all right. Really, you didn’t have to,” I said and shrugged. I was used to arguments and on the fight scale, Dash’s and mine wasn’t even a blip.

“No, I do have to. I’m sorry. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. I have a problem with that in case you haven’t noticed.” He smiled, and I automatically returned it. “I can’t judge a guy I’ve never met. I just hate seeing you get walked all over . . . but again not my place. It’s just . . .”

He focused his gaze on Hail for a moment.

“What?” I finally asked.

Dash shook his head. “I shouldn’t . . .”

“It’s fine. I promise.”

He sighed and stood up, meeting my eyes. “Don’t tell the guys, all right?”

I raised my eyebrows and nodded.

“You’ve become the closest friend I’ve ever had. I know that sounds crazy after only a month, but I’ve never met anyone like you before. We’re the same in so many ways. And it’s made this annoying urge to protect you crop up inside me and I can’t stop it. That’s why I ran my mouth off earlier. Can you forgive me?”

My heart swelled and then instantly deflated. The nicest and most sincere thing anyone had ever said to me in my entire life came from someone I’d only known a month. Not from the man I’d been more or less dating for eight years. The reality of that hit me like a punch to the chest, and what happened earlier tonight replayed in my head all over again.

Tears streamed from my eyes before I could stop them. I quickly covered up my face with my hands.

“Whoa, woman,” Dash said, and a second later his arms wrapped around me. “What did I say?”

He smelled like the air just after a rainstorm. How had I never noticed that before? Butterflies flapped inside my stomach uncontrollably. I had the undeniable urge to slip my hands underneath his shirt to touch his skin, to find out what his body would feel like against mine. I wondered if he’d take his time with me. I shook my head against his hard chest, but it did nothing to push the involuntary thoughts away.

“I’m so . . . sorry,” I stuttered.

“For what?” He stroked the top of my head.

“For crying like this. I’m so stupid.”

“Hey.” He tipped my chin up toward him. “No you’re not. Talk to me.”

I sucked in a shaking breath and wiped my eyes with my palms. I took a step back, unable to concentrate with his strong hands rubbing my shoulders and his green eyes offering such honest sincerity.

“You were right. Justin totally bailed on me. He only wanted me to come over for . . .” I shut up real quick. Dash didn’t need to know. “Anyway he chose the Xbox over me again. A fucking console wins every time. Am I really a needy psycho chick because I ask for some alone time every now and then?” I sank on the couch and Dash took up the spot next to me. Hail made herself comfortable on his foot.

“No. A psycho chick would’ve taken a baseball bat to the Xbox long ago and probably his head, too. Trust me, you’re far from one of those.”

“The thought had crossed my mind.”

“I can’t imagine you ever doing that. You’re too nice.”

If I adopted a bitch attitude, would I get more out of my relationship? Lindsay snapped at Dash over little things like ordering the wrong drink or whining about the music he picked out. And Dash still treated her well, pulling out her chair for her or attending parties he had no interest in just because she wanted to go. Why couldn’t Justin be like that?