Effortless (15 page)

As his eyes kept flashing over hers, I finally registered the
look I was seeing on his face. It was an expression of,
I know
you…how do I know you?

Irritated by the whole situation, I started to subtly pull away
from him. Maybe taking the hint, he excused himself from the
gawkers. “It was nice to meet you all…I’ll see you at the show.” I
groaned a little that he’d tossed that in at the end. Now they all
probably assumed that he literally meant he’d spend some time with
them at the performance tonight. And I’ve-slept-with-you girl was
probably expecting a great amount of personal attention.

I was scowling by the time we were outside. He noticed. “Hey,
what’s wrong?”

Glaring over at him, I rolled my eyes. “I hope you all can make
it. See you there, ladies,” I mocked, not really meaning to.

He stopped and stared at me. “I was just being friendly with
some fans, Kiera. It doesn’t mean what you think it means.”

I stopped, setting my hands on my hips. I was fine with the
fans, truly, I was, but that girl in the back had gotten under my
skin. It was so weird to have so many people know what being with
him was like…in
that
way. And they kept popping up
everywhere. This girl, Candy, Rita, and I was pretty sure about
that mechanic chick too…and that was just in the small circle that
I saw often. I knew the list was much, much longer than that.

Pointing back to the building, I snapped out, “You’ve had sex
with that girl!”

He blinked at my tone and my words, then his face heated.
“And?”

I blinked that he didn’t even try and deny it. “And…and…” Not
having a real argument, I sighed and hung my head. “And I’m tired
of running into girls who know what making love to you feels like.
“

He sighed and stepped into me, cupping my face. His voice and
face softer, he shook his head. “No one but you knows what making
love to me feels like.” Raising his eyebrows, he rested his head
against mine. “
I
didn’t even know what making love was
like until you.”

Pulling back, he tilted his head at the building. “What happened
with that girl…was just sex. A mindless, physical act that had no
meaning or feeling behind it. It was just pleasure…and I don’t even
really remember it.”

Squatting down, he met my eye. “I remember every single time
with you. Even before we were together, being with you haunted my
dreams. I couldn’t forget, even when I wanted to…” His thumbs
brushed over my cheeks as I felt tears falling down them.
“You…seared me. That’s making love. That is something that none of
them have over you. You are…unforgettable…and I love you.”

Sniffling, I swallowed a couple times before I could finally
say, “I love you, too.”

He kissed me then, and I felt the passion and the truth in his
words. They’d had him, but not like I’d had him. For some reason, I
was different to him, and I was eternally grateful for that. I was
still thinking about all of his conquests on the drive to his
place, though. Feeling a little melancholy, I sat on his couch
after we walked in his door. He sat beside me, a little
cautiously.

“Kiera? You’re not still mad, are you?”

I shook my head as I looked over at him. “No, I’m not mad, I’m
just…”

Sighing, I bit my lip. Looking nervous, he shrugged. “You’re
what?”

Knowing we had to have this conversation sooner or later, I
gritted my teeth and inhaled. On the exhale, I calmly said, “I’m
curious…about the women.”

Looking away, Kellan sighed, like he’d known this was coming.
“Kiera…you know why I use to…”

He trailed off, staring at the floor. Grabbing his cheek, I made
him look back at me. “I know, Kellan. I know why, I just don’t
know…how many.”

He pulled back from my fingertips, his brows pulling together.
“How many? Why do you…? Why does that…?” Shaking his head, he
shrugged again. “What difference does that make, Kiera?”

Sighing as
I
stared at the floor now, I shrugged. “I
don’t know why, Kellan. I guess I just want to know how
many….others…I could potentially run into.” I peeked back up to
look at him; his brow was still furrowed. “Do you know how many
there has been?”

He swallowed, his eyes avoiding looking at me. “Kiera, I’m not
really comfortable with…” He sighed and finally looked at me. “Can
we not do this, please? Not today, not when I’m leaving
tomorrow.”

I sighed again, wishing I could just let it go again. But I’d
let it go too many times already, and really, this was the perfect
time to talk about it. “We should have this conversation, Kellan.
We should have already had it, but you and I had…different problems
getting together, so this just kept getting put on the back burner.
But it’s important…we need to talk about it.”

Exhaling, he shook his head. “Why? It’s ancient history. I’m not
that guy anymore, Kiera. I’m not gonna be that guy again. Can’t we
just ignore it?”

Cupping his cheek, I shook my head. “We can’t ignore things and
have a solid relationship. And…it’s not ancient, Kellan. That girl
today proves that it’s still relevant. We’re going to run into
these girls over and over and I need…” I exhaled in a rush, “I just
need to know what I’m up against, Kellan.”

Dropping his head he muttered, “You’re not up against anything.”
I didn’t say anything and he peeked up at me, hope in his eyes that
I’d drop this. When I didn’t, when I just kept silently sitting and
waiting for him, my heart in my throat, he sighed and nodded. “I
don’t know how many, Kiera…I’m sorry.”

Looking around the room, he leaned over and rested his elbows on
his knees. “I suppose if you do the math…” He looked down at his
hands. “I’ve been having sex for about a decade, with two or three
different girls a week,” he peeked up at me, guilt all over his
face, “on average,” he looked back down at his hands, “so
that’s….”

I held my breath, already having calculated the answer. He
looked up at me and blinked after he did the math. “Crap…that’s
over fifteen hundred girls.” He looked back down to his hands and
muttered, “That can’t be right…”

I sighed, knowing it was. Even if he only had sex twice a week
with a different girl each time, that was over one hundred girls a
year. Since he’d started so young, and he had almost ten years of
that sort of behavior under his belt…well, that was almost a
thousand girls. And that was assuming a low average. I had a
feeling some years had been much higher than two or three a week.
Sometimes he’d had two or three a day.

He looked a little ill as he sat on his couch, considering that.
He clearly never had before. “Jesus,” he muttered. “I really am a
whore.”

Actually feeling bad for him, I put a hand on his knee. “Well, I
can see why you don’t remember them all,” I whispered.

He looked up at me, horrified. “I’m so sorry, Kiera. I didn’t
realize…”

He shook his head and I shook mine too. “I wasn’t trying to make
you feel guilty, Kellan, I just…we should talk about this openly,
honestly.”

Sighing, he leaned back against the couch. Nodding, he splayed
his fingers out to me. “What do you want to know?”

“I know you don’t remember all of their names, but do you
remember their faces? Would you recognize them all if we ran into
them again?” I cringed, thinking of this afternoon.

He bit his lip, thinking. “Maybe girls from the last few years,
but before that…no, I’m sorry, the faces blur together and you know
I didn’t always ask…” he looked down,” their names.”

I squeezed my hand on his knee, and asked the one question that
I really needed answered, the one that seemed the most relevant…and
the one that terrified me a little. “Were you safe…with all of
them?”

My heart thudded in my chest. True, STDs and other communicable
diseases were high up on my list of concerns, but the one thing
that scared me the most was the idea of some woman out there having
had his child after a one night fling with him. It happened all the
time. It was so plausible. It terrified me to no end that some
woman knocking on his door would also come with a toddler…with
midnight blue eyes.

 His eyes immediately flashed up to mine. “Yes,” he
whispered, his voice sounding completely sure.

Sighing, I slumped against the couch. “Kellan, you don’t have to
lie to make me feel better…just be honest.”

His hand came out to cup my cheek. “I am. Even from the first,
the very first, we used condoms. I always carried some with me
after that day. I didn’t want…” he sighed and shook his head, “I
didn’t want another…me…to happen to some girl.”

I stared at him blankly, amazed that the circumstances of his
own conception had sacred him straight, so to speak, even at the
tender age of twelve. Without thinking about it, I murmured, “How
can you be sure…if you don’t remember them all?”

He shook his head. “Because it was my rule, and I never broke
it. It was the one thing I…was good about.”

Frowning, I pushed his hand away from my face. “You weren’t with
me. You never even thought about it with me.”

There was a little heat in my tone as I thought about all of our
skin-on-skin moments. He looked down, his eyes flicking back and
forth. “That’s because…” he peeked up at me, “it was you.” I
furrowed my brow, not understanding. He sighed, bringing his
fingers back to my cheek. “I wanted you…so much…and in a way I’d
never wanted any girl.” He rested his forehead against mine,
exhaling lightly. “I loved you…even that first time. I didn’t want
anything between us. I wanted…”

Pulling back, he looked away. Grabbing his cheek, I made him
look at me. “You wanted what?”

Looking guilty again, he shrugged. “I wanted…to own you. I
wanted a part of me in you.” He cringed. “I wanted to mark you,
make you mine.” Sighing, he shook his head. “Because I knew you
really weren’t…but it made me feel…closer to you, to think that
way.”

He lowered his eyes as mine watered. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have
done that.”

Swallowing, I brought his mouth to mine. “I love you, too,” I
muttered between our lips.

Grabbing his head, I pulled him back as I laid down on the
couch. He went freely, settling himself over the top of me as our
mouths moved in perfect synch. Breaths heavier, our kiss
intensified and my body melted under his, ready for him to stake
his claim on me again. But when I tangled my fingers in his messy
hair, lightly scratching his scalp, he pulled away from me.

Staring down on me, he shook his head. “Don’t take this the
wrong way, but can we not have sex right now? Can we
just…cuddle…until you have to go in to work? I just want to be
close to you for a while.”

Shifting my fingers to brush some stray hair from his forehead,
I searched his eyes. “Yeah, of course.”

He smiled lightly and kissed me one final time before shifting
to lie beside me. His head on my shoulder, he wrapped his leg over
mine and laced our fingers together. Kissing my knuckles, he sighed
softly. “I love you, Kiera,” he whispered.

Kissing his forehead, I rested my cheek on his head and absorbed
the feeling of his body sprawled across mine. I was wrong before,
this was the most comforting thing ever.

We stayed that way, cuddling and silently comforting each other,
right up until it was time for me to go to work. Almost immediately
upon entering the bar, Kellan was handed a shot of something from
Sam. A big grin on his imposing face, the huge bouncer clapped
Kellan’s shoulder. “Here, man, it’s your night, drink up!”

Kellan immediately swished it back. “Thanks, Sam.” He grinned,
laughing a little as he handed the empty glass back to him. “I
never thought you, of all people, would hand me alcohol.”

Kellan laughed a little more and Sam rolled his eyes, his smile
dropping. “Well, since you’re not going to end up on my doorstep
tonight, I’ll allow it.”

I frowned at Kellan, remembering his confession of getting
himself obliterated on Sam’s doorstep because of me. I’d had to
deal with the drunken idiot that night, when I’d had no idea why
he’d gotten tossed. It was a little surprising that he could joke
about that evening now, but that was Kellan. If anything, he’d
developed the ability to bounce back. I supposed, with his life,
he’d had to.

Sam shook his head then laughed and clapped Kellan’s shoulder
again. “We’re gonna miss you, Kell.” Walking away from Kellan, I
thought I heard Sam mutter, “Drunken idiot.”

Ignoring that last part, Kellan shouted back, “Thanks!”

I tried to walk with Kellan to his table, but it seemed like
every third step we took someone stopped him, usually offering him
a drink along with their congratulations. He happily took them all,
slinging them back and thanking the person offering it. After the
fourth such stoppage, I gave up walking with him and kissed him on
the cheek, telling him that I had to get to work. He nodded as he
took another shot from someone. Shaking my head, I hoped he slowed
down enough so that he could actually give his final performance
tonight. It would be quite a disappointment to his fans if I had to
drive the drunken idiot home in an hour.