Effortless With You (30 page)

“No, not them. You.”

“Oh?” I take a step back from him. “What?”

“Well, don’t get mad, but I was watching you before I came down. You were looking at them like you were jealous or something.”

I bite my lower lip. I can’t lie to Justin. My heart is too raw to try.

“I guess that’s because I am.” I sigh and lean back against a tree. The baby is reaching up and pulling the mother’s hair.

“Why?”

“Well, my mom couldn’t do that stuff with me when I was little.”

“Oh?”

“She had undiagnosed post-partum depression,” I explain. “She couldn’t be that way with me.” Justin doesn’t say anything so I continue. “She sunk into a terrible, clinical depression, for years. She never rocked me to sleep or played patty cake. She’d just lie in the living room on the couch.”

“Wow, that must have been hard,” Justin says. “She isn’t that way now though.”

“No, she’s better now. Once they figured out what was wrong she was able to find treatment. A pairing of medication, exercise, and gardening became her therapy. By the time Eric was born, she was better.” I nod back toward the mother and daughter. “I used to watch her play with Eric that way.” I sigh. “I used to hate her for it. But now I’m glad she was able to love a child like that.”

Justin shortens the distance between us. “Lucy.”

I tremble as he comes closer. “Do you really think she didn’t love you?”

“Well, maybe somewhere inside of me, I don’t know, I guess—yeah?”

Justin places his arm around my shoulder in a sideways hug. My body melts into it. “One thing about your mother that is very obvious is that she loves you more than the world itself. The way she looks at you,” he nods toward the mother gazing into the daughter’s eyes. “It’s just like that. Trust me.” He holds me a moment longer before letting go.

“I don’t know why.” I try to sound casual. “I’ve made her life horrible this past year.”

“I can’t say I haven’t noticed tension. But lately?”

“It’s getting better.” I shrug. “We’ve been working on it.”

I start walking back up the hill. Justin follows. “You know that is pretty incredible.”

“What is?”

“You being so mature. You’re already striving to repair your relationship with your mom. Most people don’t do that until their mid-thirties, if ever.”

“I got sick of acting like everyone thinks a sixteen-year-old should.” I force a laugh. “It was way too much work to live up to those shallow standards.”

“Only a kind and good person would find that difficult.”

“Oh trust me, more like evil.” I try to smile mischievously.

He laughs. “I highly doubt that.” He nods down at Jennifer, “She wouldn’t have told you about her and Trish if you were. Jen’s got a sixth sense about people. If Jen approves of you, you’re definitely awesome.” His gaze moves from Jennifer to Allison. “That’s why I’m thinking of asking Allison out on a date. Get to know her, she seems really smart and fun.”

My heart starts to bleed.

Justin continues. “She must be a good person if she’s Jen’s friend, right?”

“Hmmm,” I force enthusiasm into my voice. “What does Jen think?”

He sighs. “She actually refuses to tell me. She doesn’t want to get caught in the middle. Wise but crappy. What do you think?”

“Well.” I navigate my words carefully. “Do whatever makes you happy.”

He smiles and nudges me, recognizing that same advice he gave me at the beach. “Come on, really, what do you think about Allison?”

“She seems cool. There’s no harm in going on a date or two.” I want to punch myself for saying it. But, it's true. As Justin’s friend, I’m going to support him even if that means my heart breaking into a million pieces along the way.

Justin takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’m going to do it.”

“Now?”

“Yup. Unless you can think of a reason for me not to?”

“Can you?”

“Nope.” He takes a deep breath. “Here goes nothing.” He turns away from me and waves to Allison. She waves back. He motions for her to join him on the hill. I sidestep away from Justin. I won’t survive if I have to watch this.

“Well, I’ll leave you two alone then.” I nod back toward the Frisbee game. “They’re getting killed down there. I better get back.”

“Right.” Justin rubs his stubble. He looks nervous. Does he really think there is a chance she’ll say no?

I return to the Frisbee game. I pretend nothing has happened. Jen is watching Justin and Allison talk at the top of the hill. When they disappear to the other side, she smiles at me. I smile back at her. This isn’t a big deal.

My heart is fine. It’s just shattered, bleeding, raw.

No big deal.

The rest of the evening passes like I’ve drunk three espressos. Adrenaline carries me through. I play some Frisbee, make small talk, and listen to Tiffany go on and on about how perfect Allison and Justin are for one another.

As night comes, everyone starts packing stuff up and heading home. Justin and Allison still haven’t returned from the other side of the hill. I won’t allow myself to imagine where they are and what they’re doing. I can’t go there.

Eventually, only Jennifer, Trish, and I remain. Jennifer keeps looking up the hill, waiting.

“This is ridiculous,” she says. “Where are they?”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure they are just walking or something,” Trish offers.

“But this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”

Trish lets out a sweet laugh. “I know he’s one of your best friends, Jen. But you’ve got to let him live.”

“Not like this.” Jen grumbles. She pulls out her phone. Justin still hasn’t responded to her texts. She sits across the picnic table and reaches her hand out to mine. “We can give you a ride home, Lucy. You shouldn’t have to wait for him like this.” Her eyes search mine.

She knows.

I watch Trish pull a strand of hair out of Jennifer’s eyes. If Jennifer can trust me with her secret, I can definitely trust her with mine.

I squeeze her hand back.

“Yeah. This really sucks.” My eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry.” I wipe them away.

“How long?” Jennifer asks.

“I honestly have no idea. I mean, he seriously used to irritate me to death. I dreaded talking to him. He drove me crazy. But now …”

“You’re in love with him,” Jennifer states.

I am in love with him. Totally gone, crazy in love with him.

But I can’t have him.

“You need to tell him, Lucy.”

I shake my head. “I can’t now.”

“Sure you can.” Jennifer pats my hand.

“No really, I can’t. He’s happy hanging out with Allison tonight. I’m not going to disrupt that. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll still be here.”

“Waiting.”

I sigh. “Yes, waiting.”

“But what if it does work?” Trish asks.

“Then I’ll be happy for him. If it works that well, we weren’t meant to be.”

“Wow. You really do love him,” Jennifer whispers.

I nod. Tears roll down my cheeks. I’m thankful for the darkness. An absurd laugh follows. Losing it.

Trish stands and extends her hand to me. “Let’s get you home before you go insane, babe.”

Jennifer puts her arm through mine and walks with me up the hill. Trish carries the cooler behind. Jennifer leans toward me. “I think you should tell him. You can’t live like this forever. It’ll destroy you.”

“But what if he doesn’t love me back?”

“Well,” she sighs. “If he doesn’t, he’s an idiot. But at least then you’ll know. You won’t spend your life waiting for him, for a relationship that will never happen. You’d be able to move on.”

Moving on sounds nice. It's better than this extreme pain.

I crawl into the backseat of Trish’s car. Jennifer slides in next to me. Trish puts on some classical music as we pull out of the lot. We drive down the frontage road when Jennifer asks Trish to pull over.

“Justin,” Jennifer yells out the window. Two outlines, one tall and the other petite, walk hand-in-hand toward us. The light from the headlights bounces off Justin’s white shirt. Justin waves and starts jogging over to the car. Allison follows.

I grasp Jennifer’s arm and squeeze. Justin can’t see me like this. Jennifer shoves me down onto the seat. “You’re asleep,” she whispers. I close my eyes and she throws her jacket over me. I concentrate on faking long, steady breaths.

“What’s up?” Justin’s low voice hangs above me. I breathe in and out.

“Lucy’s sleeping,” Jennifer whispers. “We’re taking her home.”

“Oh,” Justin whispers back. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”

“Yup,” Jennifer says shortly. “Everyone else has left. Allison, Tiffany grabbed a ride home with Cole. She left you her car.” She dangles a pair of keys out the window. Great, at least Justin won’t be driving her home. “Cool?”

“Sure,” Allison says with clear disappointment in her voice.

“Jen, can you tell Lucy I’ll call her tomorrow? I need her to come with me to the Hill House again.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yup. I need her help to finish my proposal.”

“Sure, I’ll let her know.”

“Thanks, Jen. You’re the best,” Allison says as she clears her throat possessively.

“Whatever. Later,” Jennifer snaps back. The car creeps forward.

“Wait, Jen.” Justin’s feet patter against the pavement. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Just leave her alone, Justin. She’s just jealous.” I swear Allison hisses.

Trish sucks in a loud lungful of air. I can feel Jennifer glaring at both Justin and Allison. I want to open my eyes and see exactly what is going on but I don’t dare. Justin would want to talk to me then.

“Jen,” Justin says apologetically. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Fine,” Jennifer says as evenly as she can. “Have a good night.” The car picks up momentum. Jennifer shakes my side. “He’s such an idiot. What does he see in her?”

I sit up. “He said that if she’s your friend, she must be worth knowing.”

“But, not like that. We’re friends only because we’ve known each other so long.” She sighs, “Our relationship is complicated. Allison has always been there for me but she’s also in unspoken competition with me. It’s really sick. She just wants to use him. She thinks he’ll help her become Homecoming Queen. I couldn’t care less about that plastic tiara.”

Jennifer continues, “You need to tell him how you feel, Lucy. Even if he doesn’t reciprocate the feelings, he’ll know what you feel is real. Allison is all fake.”

I shake my head. I could never risk our friendship.

“Lucy, you’ll save him from being used. He deserves better than that.”

Her words hit me hard. The thought of Allison viewing Justin that way is disgusting. Justin is so much more than a ticket to a crown. His view of relationships and love is perfect and pure. I can’t let her destroy that.

“Fine, I’ll tell him.” I kick the seat in front of me. “This really sucks. I spent the whole summer figuring out who I am and now I’m going to end up a broken hot mess again.”

“You don’t know that,” Trish offers from the front seat.

I think of Justin’s reaction that morning when he thought I was about to tell him I liked him. “Oh, trust me. I do.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

I spend more time turning in bed than I do sleeping. The next morning, I wake up feeling like my heart is trying to break through my chest wall and fly away to safety. I pace around my kitchen, cell phone always in my back pocket. I am one of those girls again, desperately waiting for a guy to call.

When my cell vibrates, I start trembling. I sit down in the middle of the floor, forcing my body to be still. I take a deep breath. “Hey.”

“Hey, Lady. You answered.” My heart aches at the sound of his voice.

“Of course,” I respond vaguely, failing at my attempt to be intriguing.

“Did Jen tell you I need help with the Hill House today?”   

“Not the details. What’s up?” I sound amazingly collected. I start to relax. I can hide these feelings. Maybe I’m not that bad of a liar after all.

“Mason will let us on the grounds again tonight. I just need your opinion about colors and a few problem spots. I’m kind of kicking myself for not doing the research myself.”

“No problem.”

“Great. I’ll pick you up around five? Does that sound good?”

“That’s perfect.”

“Sweet. See you then, Lady.” The phone clicks and he’s gone. I glance at the bird clock; quarter past three. One hour and forty-five minutes to go before friendship destruction.

My heart thuds against my chest and I feel dizzy. I race to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. My cheeks contrast bright red against my ghostly pale skin. My pupils are more dilated than when I leave the eye doctor.

This is what I look like lovesick; a complete lunatic.

I fill the bathtub. I refuse to look like this when I confess my love. I need some dignity.

I soak in the tub for almost an hour. My veins dilate and my heart rate slows. I am going to approach this as a calm and collected individual. I dry my hair and make some long, loose curls. I know I look a bit overdone but I don’t care. This is my only chance. I’m not about to let my hair ruin it. Not that Justin seems to be the type of guy who cares. But still.